When I was a kid my parents would always save one big gift for last and say "you know what Nate, I think the cat is stuck in the garage. Why don't you go out and get him?" And then I'd go to the garage and there would be an awesome gift. Well, this blog entry is sort of like that, except it could very possibly be a major let down. But Meowkaat, here is my answer to your tag.
3 Things I Want for Christmas
1. Peace on the Moon. I figure we're never going to get it here and eventually we'll be living on the Moon, so we might as well get off to a good start.
2. Good will towards Min. He's my nunchuck instructor.
3. 1000's of readers. Want to get me something for Christmas? Tell your friends about my blog.
3 Things I Don't Want for Christmas
1. A punch in the balls. I get that every year!
2. My two front teeth. That would make things crowded.
3. A Holiday sweater from Grandma.
Monday, December 25, 2006
When I was a kid my parents would always save one big gift for last and say "you know what Nate, I think the cat is stuck in the garage. Why don't you go out and get him?" And then I'd go to the garage and there would be an awesome gift. Well, this blog entry is sort of like that, except it could very possibly be a major let down. But Meowkaat, here is my answer to your tag.
Wednesday, December 20, 2006
Tuesday, December 19, 2006
Ladies and Gentlemen, boys and girls! Put your helmets on because it is time for another exciting edition of BEST NATE SMITH EVER! Today's challenger comes from Chico, California, which is Spanish for Boy, California. He sells homes for a living and goes by the name Real Estate Nate. Is he a better Nate Smith than me??? Let's find out!
First of all he is the first Asian Nate Smith I have ever come across. That's pretty cool. Maybe he's a real estate agent by day, and a ninja by night!!! I know, I know...assuming that he is an awesome ninja purely because of his race is stereotyping him and politically incorrect. But c'mon, I said he was a ninja, which is one of the coolest things ever! It's not like I said, "how come there isn't a camera around his neck?" or "woah, if you see this guy on the road, watch out!"
Now, Nate didn't answer my e-mail asking him to participate willingly in this contest. Probably because he's too busy selling houses. Or maybe it's because he really is a ninja and ninjas don't answer e-mails. They just kill you in your sleep. That's how they let you know they got your message. Taking that into consideration, I don't think I'm going to sleep for the next few nights, just in case.
I have no real evidence that Nate is a ninja, but if he is, saying that I am better than him would be a real taboo. Ninjas have pretty big egos. If I were to say that I am better than Real Estate Nate, he would most likely kill me. But he wouldn't just kill me. He would first sell me a house, one that is way out of my price range, and then kill me in it on the day that the deal closed. That would be costly and deadly. A double whammy. So I'm going to go ahead and say that this Nate Smith is indeed better than me. Not because I believe it, but because I value my life (which I secretly think is better than his).
The Best Nate Smith Ever! World Rankings
Friday, December 15, 2006
Thursday, December 14, 2006
NUNCHUCK NATE GETS LAID OFF...
Nunchuck Nate was diligently working on his newest special ninja move, where he nunchucks his opponent with his right hand, and kicks them with his left leg (virtually unstoppable), when suddenly his beeper went off.
"The Chuck Signal!" Nate exasperated. He did a back flip to where his nightstand was and grabbed his beeper. It was the Commissioner. "Justice needs me!" Nate ran up the stairs to call him back. Upstairs Nunchuck Nate's Grandpa was using the only phone in the house to order cheap prescription drugs from Canada. "Grandpa! I need to use the phone!"
"This is a long distance call you lil' whipper snapper. Soon I'll be dead and you can make as phone calls as you want!" Shouted Grandpa.
"You're making Justice cry, Grandpa!" Nate yelled as he bolted out of the house. Nate had to find a payphone and fast! He ran to the corner of the street to where his usual payphone was. This time, it wasn't there. "What!?" Nate exclaimed. An old homeless guy sitting on the curb cackled at Nunchuck Nate.
WHAM! Nate Nunchucked the man's head clean off, then he sprinted down the street in desperate pursuit of a payphone. Why wasn't his usual payphone there? Why hadn't he seen any payphones anywhere? What was going on? And then Nate saw the answer to all his questions. There, in the strip mall, was a new store. GLOBILE MOBILE, a giant cell phone emporium. Nate's beeper shook nervously as he entered the store.
"Welcome to Globile Mobile, how can I make your day?" said an overly friendly employee.
"I need to use a phone."
"Well we have plenty of phones here. Let me start by asking you how many minutes you'll be needing."
"I'm just going to need it for 2 minutes," said Nate.
"Okay, well our smallest plan includes 15,000,000 minutes a month, and of course that is with a 2 year agreement."
"No, I just need it for 2 minutes, right now. Justice is waiting!" Nate was getting impatient and his nunchuck was starting to itch.
"Well I'm sorry but these phones are for sell, I can't let you use one until you buy it."
"How about this, I'll trade you this nunchuck for a phone."
"What? We don't really take ninja weaponry as currency..."
WHAM!!! Nate walloped the employee and took his phone. He dialed 1-800-JUSTICE. The Commissioner answered.
"Nunchuck Nate, thanks for calling me back."
"When Justice calls, you answer. It's a lot like nature in that way," replied Nate. "What hideous crime am I preventing today Commissioner?"
"Actually...none. Nate you've done such an effective job of fighting crime in this city, that there are literally no more jobs for you. Our budget is tight, and without any real crime out there, we can't justify keeping you on the payroll. I'm sorry." The Commissioner hung up. Nate paused a really long time. Then he set the phone on the counter, and nunchucked it. Nate sadly wallowed out into the street and walked home. What would he do now? Nate would have to find a real job.
To Be Continued...
Wednesday, December 13, 2006
Tuesday, December 12, 2006
I've decided I want to purchase a new software from www.spectorsoft.com. It is called keystroke capture and it is really rad. Here are my top 5 reasons for buying this software.
1. If Tom Cruise repels through my air ducts and steals my top secret files, I'll be able to see what he stole.
2. If I pass out and my head lands on my keyboard, I'll be able to find out what files I accidentally deleted.
3. I can monitor my cat's use of my computer.
4. After drunken IM sessions, Mark Foley can find out what he asked that under-aged page to do.
5. Now I can find out what my sister is writing about me in her e-diary.
Do me a favor and check the site out by clicking on the link above.
My first attempt at a video blog. I'll keep the written blogs coming, but I'm gonna start throwing these in there as well. Let me know what you think.
Friday, December 08, 2006
Attention Christmas Shoppers! It is time for Nate's Awesome Gift Ideas! (C'mon, Nate can't you think of a better title than that?) Today's awesome gift idea comes from www.OpticsPlanet.net.
Let me tell you why I like OpticsPlanet.com. I have a lot of hobbies. One of those hobbies is people watching. Late night people watching. Late night people watching through windows. That's why I love these radical ATN night vision goggles. I'll tell you what, when I am crouched behind my favorite people watching bush, there is no other goggle I want strapped to my head than these bad boys. The straps are black which matches my people watching outfit perfectly. The only thing that I'm upset about this offer is that the clear head is not included.
But people watching is not my only hobby. I am also an avid butt kicker and crime fighter. Jack Bauer is one of my biggest heroes. And that is why I absolutely must have these Bushnell 2x24 Prowler Night Vision Waterproof Monoculars. Now I can see crime and butt coming a mile a way and then fight and/or kick it accordingly.
I'm also an avid hunter. My favorite thing to hunt is homeless people. Of course I always want to shoot them from pretty far away because of their smell. That's why I use the rifle scopes at OpticPlanet.com. Check them out! This one is my favorite. It's the Leupold Mark 4 CQ/T 1.3x14mm close Quarter/Tactical Rifle Scope. The name just rolls off your tongue, doesn't it?
These awesome vision enhancing gifts, and much much more are all available at www.opticsplanet.com. You can find an enormous selection of holiday gifts – the best brand name Telescopes, Microscopes, Spotting scopes, Digital Camera Scopes & Binoculars, Rifles Scopes, Red Dot Sights, Pocket Monoculars, binoculars, rangefinders, radar guns, sunglasses, goggles, flashlights etc Discount pricing, FREE UPS on orders over $29.95.
As usual I have not just been good, I have been extremely awesome this year. My radicalness has been rather excessive and I'm almost afraid that I am too good for my own good. But whatever, I can handle it. As you know, I am not sending you a Christmas wish list. This is a Christmas list of demands. Meet my demands, or I will meet you in an icy back alley in the North Pole and then I'll make every little kid's fear come true. Got it?
My Christmas List of Demands:
1. An Osama Bin Laden Punching bag.
2. A Texas Ranger Star Badge Shining Kit. I used my star to slit a man's throat.
3. A rocket ship so I can fly to the moon. I'm sure there's some bad guys up there.
4. A baby. I've always wanted a boy of my own so I can name him Crawler, Texas Ranger.
5. My own theme park like Dolly Pardon has. I'll call it Chuck Island.
6. A musical written about my life. And it will have the greatest kick line ever.
7. A new Christmas tie. I used my last one to strangle a man.
8. Help my new book "Kicking Bad Guys for Dummies: An Idiot's Guide to Stopping Evil Doers with Your Foot," get to the top seller list.
9. A new pair of boots. I shoved my last pair up a bad guy's ass.
10. World Peace...oh wait, I'll handle that one.
Tuesday, December 05, 2006
Well, it's been kind of a weird year. First I get the greatest gift of all; my own TV show. Then I get the biggest lump of coal possible when the Democrats took control of the Senate and the House. What gives Santa? I always knew you were just a commercialistic A-Hole who simply lives and breathes to make the baby Jesus cry. First you crash his Birthday party and make it all about you, and now you are giving the Democrats an early Christmas. Thanks for nothing, Nick.
Well this year I am going to take the War on the War on Christmas one step further. Not only will I refuse to say "Happy Holidays" instead of "Merry Christmas", when I pronounce "Christmas" I will no longer say "Chris mas". That sounds too much like I am honoring you, Kris Kringle. From now on I am going to be saying "Merry CHRIST-mas" and really emphasise the Christ. Because CHRIST-mas has nothing to do with you pal. You are nothing more than a liberal pine tree hugging hippy, spreading joy and gayness, to the far left. Oh sure, you wear all red, but you live in the North Pole so I am sure your blood is as blue as a smurf. Vanity Smurf. so this year, I don't care how many times you check up on me. I am not going to be nice to you. Santa Claus, you are dead to me.
Monday, December 04, 2006
Several people have commented that they felt the Beef of Fish? should have addressed what kind of beef Fish have, as opposed to which fish is the beef of the fish world. Since Nate is a Blog is a democracy (when I feel like it) I have decided to comply with your wishes. So here is "Beef of Fish?" for the people, by Nate Smith.
Beef of Fish?
Many people would like to believe that Fish live a stress free life under the sea, swimming around happily all day long without a worry in the world. This simply is not true. Fish are acutally very angst filled creatures. Don't let Disney fool you with its fairy tale version of life under the sea, where everything's better, down where it's wetter, take it from me. The water world is a very annoying place to be, and Fish have a lot of pet peeves. But what is the biggest Beef of Fish? Dolphins!
Fish and Dolphins have been at odds for centuries. First there was the common misconception among man that Dolphins were Fish. This really annoyed the Fish. Dolphins are not Fish, they are aquatic mammals. Basically, they are spies from the land. It's like the mammals said, "Hey, what the heck do you think those fish are doing? I don't trust them. Somebody should dress up like them and go keep tabs on them." And so Dolphins became the CIA of the mammal world. And that is pretty fitting because Dolphins are really really intelligent. So smart in fact, that men decided there is no way they could be Fish. Fish are way too dumb. These Dolphins must be some sort of different kind of animal. This pissed the Fish off even more. And of course there was Flipper, the so called "King of the Sea." What a pompous ass! And then as if that weren't enough, the Dolphins started sucking up to humans. Everyone knows that when humans come under water and try to swim with the Fish, it is a rule that the Fish have to scatter as quickly as possible making it very difficult to get good pictures. But do Dolphins do this? No! Dolphins swim WITH the humans. They let the humans touch them and hold onto them. And they swim next to their boats doing all sorts of tricks. Mammal tricks. And now other Fish are starting to follow the Dolphin example and swim with humans instead of scattering. People are starting to think that Fish are easy to find and that just anyone can swim with them. That's why the Fish had to make an example of somebody, and show the world that Fish are not just an underwater tourist attraction. So the Fish got together and chose a sacrifice. Steve Erwin. But don't blame the Fish for that. They didn't want to do it. The Dolphins pushed them to it. You did this Dolphins! Steve Erwin's death is on your bottle nosed head!
Sunday, December 03, 2006
Well, the results are in and for December 4th, 2006, according to Lizza and Bobby Griffin, my blog was the Best Blog of the Day! Don't believe me? Check it out at The Bestest Blog of All-Time. Now I know what you are saying, "How can a blog that calls itself the Bestest Blog of All-Time review other blogs and call them the bestest blog of a certain day? Aren't those days included in the realm of 'All-Time'? What the hell is going on!!!!" I understand your confusion and frustration, but then again, this blog is called "Nate is a Blog," and I am clearly not a blog, but rather a person who writes a blog. So let's cut them some slack.
Lizza wrote some really nice things about this blog in her review. That leads me to one conclusion: She is chemically inbalanced. This just goes to show that you should never drink and blog. Lizza, seek help. You have a problem.
I have been a very good girl this year. Please don't believe the tabloids and all the lies they are spreading about me. I have been busy bringing joy and happiness to the men of America all year long. And what do I get in return? A divorce. That's not fair. Talk about an unexpected turn of events, right?
Anyway, I wanted to tell you about a new charity that I started for the Christmas season. You know how they have Toys for Tots? The charity where people donate Toys to needy children? I'm not sure what Tater Tots have to do with it, but it does sound cute. Anyway, my charity is called Tits for Tots. It's a charity for child actresses who aren't talented enough to make it in the acting world on their own merit. I have gotten celebrities to donate new and used breast implants for these needy children. First of all, I think that definitely puts me on the Nice list. Second of all, I was wondering if you would donate to my cause. Do your elves make child sized breast implants? If not, are you interested in helping Mrs. Claus maximize her mammaries? If so, you know where to find me.
Wednesday, November 29, 2006
If I was a robot, what kind of robot would I be?
First of all I have to decide if I would have legs, or tank style treads like Johnny Five. Actually, you know what, I don't have to decide. Because I will just have both. I will have legs, and on the bottom of my feet have treads, kind of like those shoes that all the kids wear these days. But no, I will not just wear those shoes...that's ridiculous. The reason I would have legs is so that I can sneak into the NBA. It would be pretty obvious that I was a robot if I didn't have legs.
My torso would have a computer/Nintendo Wii game console built right in. My belly button would project the screen onto walls. Built into my left wrist would be a universal remote. On my right wrist would be a cool watch.
For my hands, I have to decide if I want to go with the old fashioned two pronged crane hands, or the newfangled 5 fingered hand. I'm partial to the crane hand, so I'm going to go with that, but I will have 5 fingered attachments that I can slip on over the cranes for when I need to be more dexterous (and also for when I am sneaking into the NBA).
My left eye would be a camera that would record everything that I see. The recordings would be uploaded to an internet server via my internal WiFi system and would always be accessible. I would also have an internal Google system that would allow me to search for any and all information that is picked up by my sensors.
My right eye would be a laser pointer. That way when people ask me what I am looking at I can turn it on and say "That."
My most important feature would be my retractable mustache. Little tiny holes just below my aroma sensor would allow illustrious black hairs to protrude and form a glorious mustache. The mustache can then be retracted when making out or attempting to look youthful.
Tuesday, November 28, 2006
With the huge success of the hit game show Deal or No Deal, NBC executives have rushed to cash in on the popularity of its format. Here are 10 new game show ideas being pitched at NBC.
1. Feel or No Feel: A pedophile picks through 26 briefcases containing pictures of little boys to see if he can win a date with a very special child.
2. Heal or No Heal: A terminally ill patient tests his luck to see if he can pick the briefcase with the right anecdote.
3. Reel or No Reel: A group of movie goers pick 1 of 26 different movie theaters and see if they get to watch a movie, or sit in uncomfortable silence for 2 hours.
4. Kneel or No Kneel: A possible Groom to be blindly picks from 26 girls and then is forced to decide if he will propose or not.
5. Squeal or No Squeal: A cross between Fear Factor and Deal or No Deal, contestants choose a briefcase to put their hand into. If the contents of the briefcase make them squeal, they have to eat it.
6. Peel or No Peel: 26 fruits are displayed. The contestant must decide if he would like to peel them or not.
7. Biel or No Biel: A nerd tries his luck to see if he can win a date with Jessica Biel.
8. Teal or No Teal: Bridesmaids watch nervously as the Bride picks out their dresses.
9. Meal or No Meal: Homeless people get the chance to win anything from a half eaten bologne sandwich to a full 10 course meal.
10. Appeal or No Appeal: A mix between Deal or No Deal and Judge Judy, contestants can possibly plea bargain their way out of jail time, but if they aren't careful they could end up with multiple life sentences.
I was recently filling out a questionnaire and the essay prompt was "Beef of fish?" I think they meant "Beef or Fish?" But I took their question quite literally, and here is my answer.
"Beef of fish?"
What is the beef of fish? There are many different kinds of fish and other water dwelling creatures, but which one deserves the title "Beef of fish?" One might foolishly jump to the conclusion that the Manatee must be the beef of fish. After all, it is known as the Sea Cow. But first of all, the Manatee is not actually a fish, it is a mammal. So it is immediately disqualified. Besides, it takes a lot more than just being called a cow to be the beef of something. Cows are the beef of mammals, but if it weren't for the fact that they render a meat that is so tasty, as well as versatile in its culinary uses, we would strip that title from them and give it to Chicken.
So what fish deserves this audacious title? The Tuna Fish has certainly made a name for itself as being a versatile food item available in a vast array of entrees and dishes. Unfortunately, that name is "Chicken of the Sea," which is a close second to "Beef of fish." Halibut is definitely a tasty fish enjoyed by many, but there are not too many different ways one can serve Halibut. So it too does not qualify. But then there is Salmon. Now Salmon is a tasty treat that comes in a variety of forms. You can get it sliced up and cooked right in front of you at Benihanas, you can get it in hot dog form at Safeway, you can have a nice salmonwich, and I've even had Salmon Jerky. Therefore, I nominate Salmon as the "Beef of fish."
Monday, November 27, 2006
Welcome to a new series on Nate is a Blog called "Lesser of Two Evils." In this series I will contemplate two evil activities and then decide which I would rather do. Enjoy.
Evil #1: Kill the last living koala bear with a cheese grater.
Evil #2: Give birth to a child that I know for a fact will successfully grow up to become the next Hitler and committ mass genocide.
Okay, let's get started. First we should talk about exactly how one goes about killing a koala bear with a cheese grater. You simply hold the furry little fellow down and run the cheese grater along his head until you have grated enough of his brains away to kill him. That's pretty awful. I'm not sure I could bring myself to pull the trigger of a rifle and kill an animal from 100 yards away, let alone do it point blank with a kitchen instrument.
So I guess I'll just have to condemn millions of innocent people to death. No one ever blames Hitler's parents for what he did. Then again, they didn't know Hitler was going to grow up to be...Hitler. If only I could have the evil baby and then kill it immediately! Or maybe I could have an abortion. Damn! I don't believe in abortion! I couldn't live with myself if I was responsible for the next Holocaust!
But, man! Those little Koala bears are so damned cute! They have those huge adorable eyes, and fluffy ears! And I am horrible with a cheese grater. The last time I tried using one, it took me almost two hours to grate a 2 inch block of cheese. Imagine how hard it would be to grate a living, struggling, extremely huggable creature. Not to mention it is the last of its kind! There might be a way to save the species! I can't let Koala's go down like that.
But then again, I would personally have to give birth to the Hitler baby. Just like Arnold Schwarzenegger in Junior, or like sea horses (maybe that's a plus!), I would have to shove this little demonic child out of my butt. That sounds really painful! On the other hand, if I kill a Koala bear, PETA will be all over me. They'll hound me and send me mean messages and send their topless celebrities after me...and...Okay, that's it. I know my answer. Koala bears are cute and all, but I am not giving birth to the 4th Reich.
If you would like to suggest a choice of two evil things for me to choose, please send your choices to firstname.lastname@example.org .
Wednesday, November 22, 2006
Nate will be away from his blog for the next few days. If you would like to leave a message, please wait for the beep.
Tuesday, November 21, 2006
The White Man invited us all to a big dinner. I'm really not that excited about it. Every time those guys give us something, they take it back right away. I can just picture what it would be like. "Hey can you pass the salt?" "Sure, here you go. Oh actually I want to use it. Sorry." Stupid Whitie Givers.
I have a feeling this is going to be a pretty stressful gathering. My Uncle, Chief Running for President, just found out that my cousin, Dances with Muskrats, is actually Dances with Boys. This did not go over well. Things are going to be pretty tense.
Monday, November 20, 2006
Things have not been going so well. We got to this awesome land, and were really excited about starting our new nation here. But we started looking around our new property and apparently there are some other people here. They like to squat a lot, and they are on OUR property without permission, so I've been calling them squatters. Everyone else is calling them Indians but um...I really don't think that's what they are. But whatever they are called, they are annoying. First of all, it seems like they don't know how to do anything because everytime we see them the first thing they say is "How?" And it's pretty obvious that they don't know how to do much because they are living in tents. Ever heard of making a house? But "how" is pretty much the only English word they have learned. Which makes for some pretty awkward situations. Like there was that time when we asked them if we could take their horses and their land. They just laughed and nodded at us so we assumed that meant it was okay. But then when we started riding away with their horses, they shot arrows at us. Awkward. Kind of annoying if you think about it. They said we could have their horses and land, and then they took them back. Everyone else is calling it "Indian Giving." But I really don't agree with that term. They aren't Indians. I call it "Squatter Giving."
Anyway, we're trying to put all of those troubles behind us for now. It's getting really frickin cold here and we need some food. So we've decided to have a joint feast with Squatters. The one thing they do know how to do is have a party. They're going to bring the corn, the bread, the cornbread, the entertainment, and the peace pipe. We're going to bring a turkey. That seems pretty fair. I just hope they are grateful.
Sunday, November 19, 2006
Tired of having extra money? Wish you could give it to someone who isn't really all that needy but would still benefit from a little extra cash? Well now you can solve both of those problems in one daft move. Check out my new cafepress.com shop called Nate is a Shop. Right now it only has a few items, featuring my new clothing line "No Juan." You can tell the world that you "Fear No Juan" or that "No Juan Cares." In time there will be more items. But I need your help. If there is anything from any of my previous posts that you would like to see featured on a t-shirt or button or mug or some other type of product that cafepress sales; let me know. I'll do my best to accomodate. But know this: If you make a request, and I spend time making the graphics for that item, I expect you to purchase that item. For now, each item will only be marked up $2 from the production cost, so I will only be making $2 off each sale (I'm good at math).
Friday, November 17, 2006
I decided today that I need a new catch phrase. Help me pick out the best one.
1. Sweet Balls
2. Holy Hummus
3. Go Punch Yourself
4. I'm full of Tacos
5. Crap on a biscuit and call it a muffin
6. I'm the Tornado of Justice
7. Here comes a big plate of crazy
8. Pilates Power
9. Show me the bunny
10. I have shiny pants
Thursday, November 16, 2006
Welcome to the 4th installment of The Best Nate Smith Ever! Today's contender is a fierce competitor who is sure to give me a run for my money.
Nate Smith is a Sophomore for the USC Trojans Baseball team. At first glance I thought I could beat this guy easily, because I am much better at wearing baseball hats. But then I looked at his stats and realized it was going to be an uphill battle.
First of all, he is 6'2" and 230 pounds. Yikes. I am 5'10" and 160 pounds (that's a generous estimate). This guy could eat me.
His senior year of high school he batted .397 and had 6 homeruns. I haven't hit 6 homeruns my whole life!
Last but not least, his favorite movie is Scarface, which is much cooler than my favorite movie; Legally Blonde 2: Red, White & Blonde.
So unfortunately, this Nate Smith is clearly a better Nate Smith than me. I concede to you Mr. Trojan. Ah! This is so frustrating! Look how badly he is wearing his hat! How could someone who is so much better than me, be so bad at wearing hats? Whatever, I'm over it.
If you are a Nate Smith or you know a Nate Smith and think he is better than me, bring it on. E-mail me at email@example.com and prove to me that you are The Best Nate Smith Ever!
The Best Nate Smith Ever! World Rankings
Wednesday, November 15, 2006
1. James Bond has a license to kill. I have a learner's permit to kill.
2. James Bond's watch shoots a laser. My laser shoots a watch.
3. James Bond takes orders from the Queen of England. I used to take orders at Dairy Queen.
4. James Bond likes his Martinis shaken, not stirred. I like my babies shaken, not stirred.
5. James Bond has had sex with many exotic women. I've had sex.
6. James Bond can get himself out of any situation. I can get myself into any situation.
7. James Bond is an expert marksman. I am an expert groomsman.
8. James Bond gets all the ladies. I get all the maladies.
9. James Bond fears no one. I fear no Juan.
10. There is an on going dispute as to which James Bond is the best. There is an on going dispute as to which Nate Smith is the best ever.
Monday, November 13, 2006
I'm not sure what the big deal is. Here we are in the middle of the grocery store looking for a good deal on deli meats, and we decided to express our love for each other by locking lips for 45 seconds. What's wrong with that? Do you have something against hearing our lips flap against each other as our saliva swaps back and forth? Are you trying to say this is an inappropriate spot to make out? We just found a great deal on lunch meats and wanted to share our excitement right here and now. Don't you kiss when you find a bargain on meat? Oh I suppose you only kiss when you are alone and in private. Are you ashamed of your love? Well we're not ashamed and we're going to show it. First here in the meat section, and then we're going to head over to the dairy section and gnaw on each other's faces for a while. And then to top it all off we are going ride the cashier's conveyor belt together. Shopping is fun!
Friday, November 10, 2006
Today I had to confront one of my greatest fears. I had to bring Jack Palance to the afterlife. I've been putting this off for about 20 years. He is one scary dude! I actually tried taking him about 15 years ago. I thought he was ready go after hearing him breathe. I approached him and told him it was his time to go. He just sneered at me, and then started doing one handed push ups. I've never been confronted like that. It really freaked me out and I just kind of slinked away.
But now, 15 years later, I finally manned up and finished the job. It wasn't easy. He was still freakishly strong and had a death stare that could melt butter. But I'm friggin' Death Baby! When I want someone dead I make them dead! And I don't take no shit from no one!
Okay, to be honest, I had to make a deal with him. He made me promise that when Billy Crystal dies, he gets to be the one to take him. At first I said no, because I've never let anyone else do my job. But then he took out a wooden match, struck it on his face, lit up a cigarrette, and then just stared at me. That scared the crap out of me. So I gave in. But I'm still going to consider this a victory. In your face Jack!
Thursday, November 09, 2006
Okay, I've been tagged. I will answer these questions. But I am not going to tag anyone else. I don't play tag. I'm a Kick the Can man.
Four Jobs I Have Had:
1. International Man of Mystery: I'm not sure what I was doing, but it was overseas.
2. Headless Chicken Chaser: After the chickens have their heads chopped off, someone has to chase them down.
3. Oprah: I used to be Oprah...but I got tired of that.
4. Gun Slinger: I could throw a gun a good 10 to 15 feet.
Four TV Shows I Love to Watch:
1. The Bronze Girls: It's a tanner version of the Golden Girls and it is hot!
2. CSI Caribbean: Jack Sparrow inspecting pirate bones with a flash light. Brilliant!
3. 3,576,829,578's Company: 1 guy roommate, 3,576,829,577 girl roommates, and a goofy land lord.
4. Gyros: A group of greek sandwiches discover they have super powers.
Four of My Favorite Foods:
Four Movies That I Could Watch Over and Over:
1. Memento: As soon as I get it, I'll stop watching it.
2. Ocean's 22: It hasn't come out yet, but I can already tell it's going to be good.
3. The Gaytrix: I can never get enough of the line "I know Fung Shui."
4. Burger King Safety Procedures Instructional Video #2: Saftey First.
Four Places I Have Lived:
1. In my mother's womb: It was a studio apartment.
2. In my father's shadow: It's cold and bitter.
3. In my wife's dog house: It's cold and bitter.
4. Wisconsin: It's cold and bitter.
Four Places I Would Rather Be Right Now:
1. In my mother's womb: I have issues.
2. In my wife's arms: My wife wrote that one.
3. On the LOST island...in Sawyer's arms: Damn you Kate!
4. In the studio of my own daily comedy TV show: That's not a joke.
As I was vainly checking up on who was checking up on me, and how they were checking up on me, I noticed in the list of google search terms used to find my website, someone entered the term "Ending it all." OH NO! Well whoever this person was I am glad they found my blog rather than "DeathyMcDeatherton'sGuidetoMakingYourselfNotAlive.blogspot.com". I hope that the sheer hilarity of my blog was enough to make this googler feel like life was worth living. But just in case frivolous jokes about Panda Bears and Ninjas (or maybe Ninja Bears!!! coming soon) isn't enough to keep this person from throwing in the towel, here is a message to them.
Dear awesome person deserving of living a long life and only dying of natural causes,
I noticed you are interested in gathering information on "ending it all." Please do not end it all. In fact please do not end more than 50% of it. You have so much to live for! Just think about all the awesome things out there. There are things like handlebar mustaches, Pinatas that look like Weird Al Yankovich, one legged puppies named Pogo, Lunchables, Dinnerables, and Brunchables. There are monkeys that know how to do Kung Fu, Rock bands that dance on treadmills, and men that preach about the sins of same sex marriage and then get caught paying for a male prostitute.
This is just a short list. I could go on and on. The point is, there are too many good things around to end it all. So instead of ending it all, why don't you try starting some of it.
Wednesday, November 08, 2006
It's a sad day here in the White House. Oh, who am I kidding, I'm not in the White House, I'm at my ranch. I'm here so often, I think I will give the ranch a name similar to Michael Jackson's Ranch. He calls his the Never Never Land Ranch. I'm gonna call mine the Never Never Work Ranch.
The reason I'm sad is, my good buddy Donny Rumsy is steppin' down. I sure am going to miss that old hoot. But the worst part is now I have to think of somebody to take his place. I hate thinkin'. Here are some of the options I am considering for the new Secretary of the Fence.
- Saddam Hussein: You gotta admit, he's pretty good.
- Ben Wallace: I hear he's good at defense.
- Jack Bauer: Once we get him back from the Chinese, he'll probably want a desk job.
- Mark Foley: He knows a lot about being on the defensive, and he's got his finger on the pulse of America's youth.
- Bob Saget: I just like that guy.
- Raul: He is in charge of the fence at my ranch. He does a fine job.
- Walker Texas Ranger: Walker American Secretary of the Fence. (For him I could have it changed to Administrative Assistant of the Fence)
Tuesday, November 07, 2006
Mad Props to Nevins Manafe who not only designed the banner at the top of the page, he showed me how to implant it into my html. He might do the same for you. Go check out his site.
Monday, November 06, 2006
Okay, I've been getting a little bitter lately and it's really been building up so I need to get this off my chest. There was a time when I was respected and widely regarded as one of the most magical creatures in the world. But these days, I am just not feeling the love. Sure, the Unicorn is pretty damned magical, so magical no one has ever even seen one. I concede. I mean, one might say that Unicorns don't actually exist. I'm not saying that. I'm just saying, it'd help their case a lot if they showed up once in a while. Nevertheless, Unicorns are the most magical creature ever. Fine. But lately some other animals have been getting some mention and it just doesn't make any sense. PANDA BEARS? Who in the hell decided that Panda Bears are magical? They're just bears! What's their magic power? Eating Bamboo sticks? Congratufrickinlations! You're a living wood chipper.
You want magic? I'll give you some magic. Did you know that male Sea Horses are the ones that get pregnant? That's right. Sea Horses are the Arnold Schwarzenegger of the animal world. What do I gotta do to get a little respect around here? Run for Governor? Do I need to grow a horn in the middle of my head and become Sea Unicorn? Is that what it's going to take to get you guys to give me a little magical respect? C'mon people! I'm a friggin' horse, in the friggin' sea! And if you can't appreciate that, well then maybe I need to pull my own little Unicorn stunt and disappear for a while. Maybe then you'll learn to have a little gratitude for the whimsical nature that I possess.
Sunday, November 05, 2006
Joe Blogs is a British bloke who is writing a guide to America. Upon his request, I have responded to his blog.
"There are 51 states, the 51st being the movie featuring Samuel L. Jackson, and Robert Carlyle."
Actually the 51st state is Canada. Sorry Puerto Rico, I know we said you were next, but uh...maybe next time.
"The President is George W. Bush. The USA is still a bit like the old west, Bush wants Bin Laden, Dead or Alive. I believe Clint Eastwood is on his trail for a fistful of dollars."
Actually, The US is much more like the future...say 2029 when the Terminator is now a state Governor.
"Celebrities are treated like British royalty. Brad Pitt and Anjolina Jolie are practically King and Queen. Well they do fly Monarch Airlines at least. The family are the Pitts though. And then you have Prince..."
Hmmm...I'm not comfortable claiming Prince as our own. We might treat our celebrities like British Royalty, but Prince acts like British Royalty. He's from Minnesota, but I'm going to assume he snuck over the Canadian border (before it was made a US State).
"Most of Americas clothes are dirty. They are X rated. XXXL that is."
America: More Cushion for the Pushin'.
"The cops love donuts. The teenagers love doing donuts in cop cars."
Guilty as charged.
"The Baseball World Series is held only in America, with American teams."
The Majority of the Major League Baseball Players were not born in America.
"US TV series are shown all around the world. So if this is an indication of the culture, it consists of, Friends, Desperate Housewives, Wife Swap, American Idols, and Sex In The City, and that's just on a Thursday night."
Sounds like somebody is jealous. If you don't like it you can get LOST, or head down to 24 to work out, or go hang out with some of those SCRUBS you call friends.
Go check out Joe Blogs.
The facts above may not be entirely true and are most likely completely false.
Friday, November 03, 2006
Man, I sure am bored. I really want to get back down there. Dad says I have to wait. It's not time yet. But I don't know, it sure seems like they need me. There's a lot of bad stuff going on down there, and what's worse is a lot of it is being done in my name. I didn't authorize any of that crap.
But when I go back, before I do any work, I'm going to have a little fun. I didn't take the time to enjoy myself last time. This time, I'm going to have a little me time. I think first, I'll find a really self righteous and greedy winery owner who has a huge vineyard and open up my own little wine stand across the street from him. I'll just have a hose connected to a fire hydrant and when the water comes out it'll be wine. I'll call it Jesus Juice, or JJ for short. And I'll give it away for free, and then that other guy's business will tank. I just have to make sure that if there is a fire nearby, I turn the fire hydrant wine back into water, because I think wine is flammable.
Oh, but before I do that, I have to hit a Krispy Kreme! Man those doughnuts are so good! They are to ascend for! I can't believe we don't have one up in Heaven.
And of course, the last thing I'll do before I get to work, is get myself a hooker. Because you know how I like to hang out with the prostitutes. And the best part is, I get to write it off as a business expense. "Thank you Mary, now go and sin no more."
Thursday, November 02, 2006
Boss: Welcome Nate, thank you for coming in today.
Nate: You're welcome. Thank you for having me.
Boss: Have a seat and let's just get started shall we?
Nate: Sounds great.
Boss: First off, are you awesome?
Nate: Yes. Definitely.
Boss: Can you give me an example of how you have been awesome recently?
Nate: The other day I saw a lady who I could have sworn was pregnant. And I really wanted to ask her when the baby was due. But I didn't, because I learn from my mistakes. And as it turns out, she wasn't pregnant, and I avoided a huge catastrophe. That was pretty awesome.
Boss: That is pretty awesome. Okay, what about rad? Are you rad?
Nate: Oh, indeed. I am rad to the max. My friends call me Rad Max.
Boss: Good. I don't need any examples of your radness, that response was more than enough proof. Let's see...do you rule?
Nate: Do I ever!
Boss: Can you prove it?
Nate: The other day I was playing World Series Of Poker on my Playstation 2 and I got 2nd place in a tournament of 1,377 computer generated people. I rule!
Boss: Yes, you certainly do. Okay you seem to have all the qualifications we are looking for. I'm happy to say welcome to the team, Nate.
Nate: Thank you very much! Can I go on break now?
Tuesday, October 31, 2006
Dag-nabbit! The day I hate the most is here again! Halloween! All those greedy little kids with their grubby little hands will be ringing my doorbell all night long. Can't you see that my porch light isn't on you little bastards?! All I want to do is have a peaceful night at home watching re-runs of the Golden Girls. Them Golden Girls are so hot! When are they going to make the Golden Girls Gone Wild DVD? If I don't die before they make it, it will surely be the thing that kills me.
I tell you what, the first little mangy child that shows up to my door is getting a major whallop in the chin. It will be "Trick or..." PUNCH! And then I'll say, "What are you supposed to be little girl? Princess of Broken Nose Land?" Oh, that will be good. Maybe Halloween isn't so bad after all.
Monday, October 30, 2006
(Best if read out loud with dramatic voice)
Nate's Left Arm is weaker than his Right Arm. His Left Arm will try to tell you that he is good at doing specialized activities like holding the phone, but isn't this just an excuse for being...noodley? His Left Hand can't even write. How specialized is that?
Take a look at Nate's Left Arm's voting record and you'll see some things you might not like. Nate's Left Arm voted YES on proposition 72 that would have allowed more vegetables to enter the body. Nate's Left Arm also voted YES on the High Five Appropriations Bill that would have authorized a reckless number of high fives to complete strangers as Nate passed them on the street. Nate's Left Arm is conservative on some issues, and liberal on others, that's a flip flop.
To make things worse, Nate's Left Arm was caught making an obscene gesture to a group of little girls. Is this the kind of Arm you want to keep in office?
Paid for by friends of Nate's Right Arm.
I'm Nate's Right Arm, and I approve this message.
Friday, October 27, 2006
S Q T from Fantasy and Sci Fi Lovin' Blog wrote a science fiction story about my mustache. It's so funny I almost hesitate to send you there for fear of you realizing that I am a hack. But I gotta give a shout out for this amazing piece of work. Die hard fans will notice a lot of really good references. Check it out.
I just had a thought, and at first I thought I was really stupid for only thinking of this just now and not way earlier. But then I felt pretty smart because I must be the first person to have thought of this because obviously if someone else had thought of this it would already have happened. The thought I had is, "Why isn't the Army using more Ninjas?" I mean, think about it. The Army is in a war right now that was scheduled to end several years ago, and wasn't even originally billed as a war. They are apparently struggling with an insurgency. The problem is Iraqis have a different definition of "greeting as liberators" than Americans do. In their culture that means fire-bombing, flag burning, and rocket launching. This is merely a cultural difference, and one that our traditional Army may not be trained or equipped to handle.
It's not that the soldiers in Iraq are not good at what they do. In fact they are very talented men and women. I have watched quite a few documentaries on the Marines and the Navy SEALS (The Rock, The Marine, G.I. Jane) and they have a lot of similar traits to Ninjas. But the one quality that our Marines and SEALS possess that a Ninja does not, is sympathy. As the Iraqi insurgents place bombs under our soldiers' trucks, our men are taken aback by their sweet gestures. They think "Oh look, how thoughtful. He is greeting me as a liberator by killing my friends." And then instead of stopping the bomber by putting one swift bullet into his head, he merely takes him captive and tortures him. If Ninjas were in Iraq, that bomber would have been dead before he woke up that morning.
That brings up another issue that would be cleared up if the Army relied soley on Ninjas: Torture. Ninjas don't torture. Maybe they would if they had time, but unfortunately their victim was dead after the first blow. In fact, by Ninja standards, torture is when it takes two shots to kill a man.
Another benefit to using Ninjas in our Army is that the Draft would no longer be necessary. For a war like the one we are having in Iraq, you'd need like 5, maybe 6 Ninjas at most. So Cindy Sheehan could cool her jets and enjoy some much needed family time (at home).
Having Ninjas as our only soldiers would also make the Presiden't job a lot easier. If the American people demanded to know what the troops were doing, the President could hold a press conference and just be like, "I don't know what they are doing. They are Ninjas, you know? They're very secretive. Hard to keep track of." And everyone would be like, "Oh, yeah...that's a good point."
Ninjas are also very effective nation builders. One night the people of Iraq would go to sleep, and the next morning they'd wake up and look out their windows (or bomb holes) and....DEMOCRACY!
So I'm not sure what it's going to take to round up the Ninjas we are looking for. Maybe Chuck Norris has some sort of special Ninja whistle that only Ninjas can hear. I don't know. All I'm saying is let's stop wasting our time looking for alternative fuels, and see if we can't find an alternative soldier.
Man, here I am, all alone. Completely blank. I sure wish someone would come and write something on me. Could be anything. Doesn't have to be something special, just something. Oh wait, what's this guy doing? He's writing on me! YES! He's...wait...what's he writing about? Ew, that's sick. Hey! Stop writing that! I don't want to be apart of this! That's illegal! I will not be a culprit in your sick and twisted crime. I don't want to be evidence in your court case someday. Look, you used pencil. You can erase all that writing right now and I'll be as good as new. Nobody has to know. I can't even remember what you wrote. I didn't see anything.
Look, seriously...if you don't stop this right now, I'm going to give you a paper cut. First I'll make it really hard for you to pick me up, and then when you finally do get me off the table I'm going to bend in an unexpected way and get you right underneath the fingernail. I swear I'll do it. You aren't the only cold hearted killer in the room. That's right. I'd give you a paper cut to the jugular if I could just get close enough. Don't test me.
Hey what are you doing? Stop it. Why are you crumpling me up? No don't throw me away! It was a great plan! You should definitely keep it! I really liked the part about using the knife instead of the gun so that no one would hear it. You've got something good going here. Don't toss it! Please don't throw me in the trash can with the post-it-notes and the used tissues!
Oh hey guys...um...no offense.
Wednesday, October 25, 2006
Hey kids! Halloween is right around the corner. Most of you probably have not figured out your costume yet because you're incredibly lazy, and even though you'll think about it 10 or 12 more times between now and the big night, you still won't get your act together. Slacker. But don't worry. Here are 10 easy costume ideas that are still scary and fun.
- Hooker: Instead of saying "Trick or Treat!" you can just say "Trick!"
- Nudist Zombie: Just be sure to keep your candy bag at waist level.
- Salmonella Man: Take mom's chicken out of the freezer, let it thaw for an afternoon. Then if the little old lady doesn't give you some candy, give her a salmonella slap.
- Clumsy Clyde: Nothing scares a homeowner like a lawsuit because someone got injured on their property. Run around their yard and pretend to get injured. They'll give you all the candy they have if you just get off their property.
- Sexual Offender: They're scary, but they look just like everyone else.
- Ghost of a Ku Klux Klan Member: You'll need one big white sheet, and one small white sheet.
- Homeless Guy: Make a cardboard sign that says "Will Trick for Treat."
- Child Actor in Horror Film: Are you 12? Are you pale? According to Hollywood you are terrifying.
- Mel Gibson with Tourettes: All you need is a good Australian accent and a list of anti-Semitic words.
- A Public Service Announcement: Go to each door and say "I'm the product of too much alcohol and unprotected sex." Now that's scary.
Tuesday, October 24, 2006
It's time to clean out the mailbox and answer some Frequently Asked Questions.
Q: What is your greatest fear?
A: My greatest fear is that I will forget what my greatest fear is and then I will have the opportunity to face my fear but completely miss it because I will have forgotten what it is.
Q: What is your best personal trait?
A: My humility. I am extremely humble. And I am really proud of that because I think humility is the best possible quality a human could possess. And I have a lot of it. In fact, I'm going to go on record as saying I am the most humble person ever, therefore making me the best person ever.
Q: If you were evil, what would be your evil plan?
A: I would hire (or hypnotize if need be) Wolverine to work for me. Then he would be the world's most ruthless and unstoppable suicide bomber. I haven't worked the rest out yet.
Q: Are you a good dancer?
A: Yes. Check it out here
Please send your questions to firstname.lastname@example.org
Monday, October 23, 2006
It is time for the third match in my running competition called Best Nate Smith Ever! I have a bad feeling about this one, much like when I was in elementary school and I knew I was about to have my lunch money taken from me. The Nate Smith I am challenging today is owner of the web domain www.nate-smith.com. Already, that is cooler than me.
This Nate Smith is a musician currently living in New York. In contrast I am a comedian currently living in Portland. While being a comedian is cool, being a musician is cooler. Musicians always get the chicks. You don't see a lot of underwear getting thrown onto the stage during a comedy show. Well, there was that one time, but that was because I forgot my underwear and my mom ran up to the stage to give them to me.
As a comedian I'd probably be much better off living in New York like he is. New York is home to Saturday Night Live, The Daily Show, The Late Show with David Letterman, and a host of famous stand up and improv comedy clubs. At the same time, as a musician, this Nate Smith would probably be better off living in Portland. This area is home to great bands like Nirvana and the Shins. Maybe we should start a Nate Smith Exchange program.
Now, I couldn't get a hold of Nate Smith. The e-mail address listed on his site is defunct, and he has yet to answer my message I sent to his myspace page. He loses some major points there because a good Nate Smith always answers his e-mails promptly. You can test this by e-mailing me at email@example.com. Since I could not get a hold of Nate, I decided to interview him and use his bio from his website as his answers.
Q: Nate, where were you born?
A: Nate Smith, born in Missoula, MT.
Q: Have you always talked like a caveman?
A: My earliest influences were Stewart Copeland and Steve Gadd.
Q: And what are your influences now?
A: The New York Voices.
Q: I see...and how long have you been hearing voices?
A: Two summers.
Q: Sounds like someone might have experimented with a little drug use.
A: While in college.
Q: Where did you get these drugs?
A: From the drug chair.
Q: Okay...are you high right now?
I cut the interview short because you as you can see, he was high as a kite. And that is too bad for Nate, because as we learned during our childhood, Users are Losers. It rhymes so it must be true. Nate Smith, I am a better Nate Smith than you.
Wow, I didn't think I was going to win that one. If you are a Nate Smith or you know a Nate Smith and think he is better than me, bring it on. E-mail me at firstname.lastname@example.org and prove to me that you are The Best Nate Smith Ever!
The Best Nate Smith Ever! World Rankings
Friday, October 20, 2006
Man, I am so pissed! So, here I am just minding my own business, following my nose where ever it may go, and what happens? I find out that Cheerios has totally started to copy me. What the hell? I already have to fend off cheap imitators like "Fruit-O's", "Loops-O-Fruit" and "Fruit of the Loom". But now I have to deal with this? Cheerios is stabbing me in the back! Forget following my nose. Try following my foot as I shove it your ass, Cheerios.
Does Cheerios even have a mascot? I don't think they do. I imagine if they do it's some British pansy running around saying "Cheerio!" Either that, or a drooling baby. But what's the difference? That wouldn't even be a fair fight. I just wouldn't feel good about myself for beating up on a poor defenseless British guy. I'll have to retaliate in some other way.
Cheerios, be warned: It is on! I am going to unleash an army of new cereal products that may or may not be similar to your products. In the future keep an eye out for Frootless Loops, Honey Nut Loops without Froot, and Frosted Loops of the unfrooted variety. And if you don't like it, you can go cry to your Queen.
And Fruit of the Loom, be on the alert, we will soon be releasing an edible underwear called Fruit of the Loops. We're watching you.
Wednesday, October 18, 2006
Pardon my french, but Cheerios has made the biggest bitch move in the history of cereal competition. Cheerios has released a new version of their beloved breakfast item.
Fruity Cheerios. Man, that looks really familiar. What does that remind me of?
Oh yeah. Fricking Froot Loops!Are you kidding me Cheerios? I mean, really? C'mon. Who are you trying to fool?
But I have noticed a trend in what seems to be blatant conceptual theft. Right after the Fruity Cheerios ad I saw on TV, there was an ad for a new TV show starring Taye Diggs. The concept is that Taye Diggs keeps living the same violent day over and over, and each day his girlfriend is killed until he finally puts all the clues together and solves the crime and saves the day. Sound familiar? What's the title for this show? 6 Feet In the Groundhogs Day ?
Well I hope Froot Loops strikes back and releases a retaliation breakfast item. I'd like to see Frootless Loops. Or maybe Froot Loops could be trend setters in the Cereal arena and move on from fruit. Maybe Froot Loops could bring together the sugary fun of a breakfast in a bowl, and the hearty goodness of a home-cooked breakfast with Meat Loops! MMMMMMMMMM.....
Tuesday, October 17, 2006
This headline and picture was on the front of CNN.com yesterday.
Social Worker Beaten to Death, Baby Missing
Now, is it me, or does this headline make it sound like the Baby is the suspect? "Social Worker Beaten to Death, Baby at Large!" But maybe the Baby did beat this woman to death. You can clearly see from the picture that this baby is not comfortable being held by this lady. Maybe the baby lashed out in a fit of rage and grabbed a nearby frying pan or rolling pin and went to town on the her.
Now let's look at the lady. I have reason to believe that this baby had a twin and was merely acting in self defense in order to avoid being eaten, because this lady looks hungry.
I think it is time that we search every dollhouse, playhouse, treehouse, show called House, and Speaker of the House, until we find this killer baby and bring it to justice!
Before letting me go, my boss told me I could write my own letter of recommendation for future employers and she would sign it. Here's what I submitted.
To Whom It May Concern:
Nate Smith worked for me for 2 years as my assistant. I am writing this letter of recommendation to confirm that his recent lay off from our company was not in any way related to his performance, and to highly recommend him as an employee for your organization.
Nate is a hard worker who gets tasks done accurately and on time. Nate has strong computer skills and is maybe the fastest typer I have ever seen. Nate also has incredible people skills. Also, Nate is a quick learner who takes direction well.
Furthermore, Nate smells good. I mean really good. I don't know what it is. I don't think it is a cologne of any sort, I think it is just his natural smell. Nate is also probably the strongest man in our company. You wouldn't know it just by looking at him, but I have seen him lift boxes that were way too heavy for him. He's like an ant!
I'm also pretty sure that Nate is a ninja master. I haven't seen him demonstrate any actual ninja skills, but I can't just tell by the way that he walks that he has some sort of martial arts skills. Also, one time a pen rolled off his desk and he caught it before it hit the ground. If that's not ninjastical, then I don't know what is.
I would also like to comment on Nate's good fashion sense. It can best be described by musician and poet, Jewel, who says he is "fashionably sensitive, but too cool to care." I would often ask him how long it took him to pick out his stunning outfits, and he would usually say, "Oh this, I didn't even realized it matched."
Finally, I would like to say that Nate is the best human being ever. There never has been, and there never will be a better person. EVER. That includes Jesus and Chuck Norris. Because essentially he is Jesus and Chuck Norris combined. He is Chuck Christ. So unless you are insecure and only hire people who are lesser than you, this is a no brainer. Hire Nate Smith or reap the whirlwind.
Friday, October 13, 2006
I got laid off from my job on Thursday. Here are 10 reasons I'm glad it happened.
1. The chair in front of my computer at home is a lot more comfortable than the chair in front of my computer at work.
2. Better hours.
3. Better commute.
4. Saying "I got laid off" is the closest I've ever come to saying "I got laid."
5. More time to practice my nunchuck skills.
6. Everyday is a casual Friday.
7. I don't have to sign someone's birthday card every other day.
8. Better conversations around the water cooler.
9. I can finally start that Boy Band I've always dreamt about.
10. More time to Blog.
Thursday, October 12, 2006
Nunchuck Nate is a super hero armed only with nunchucks and a fierce sense of justice. In this installment of The Adventures of Nunchuck Nate, our hero is pitted against the Evil Genius Nevins Manafe.
Nunchuck Nate VS The Evil Genius Nevins Manafe...
Nunchuck Nate was diligently working on his Nunchucking skills in the basement of his Parents' house when suddenly his beeper went off.
"The chuck signal!" Nate said as he lunged to the beeper. It was the Commissioner. He quickly sprinted up the stairs to call him back. His mom was on the phone.
"Mom, get off the phone, I have to save the world!" he yelled.
"Nate, I'm on the phone with Grandma," his mom replied.
"UGGH!" Nate exclaimed as he ran out the door to look for a payphone.
"Nate, you're not wearing any pants!!!" his mother yelled. Nate had no time for pants. Justice was expecting his call. As he ran down to the corner of the street, he came across a payphone. He reached into his pocket for some change, and then realized he didn't have any pockets because he wasn't wearing pants.
"Drat!" he exclaimed. Behind him was an elderly homeless man who had a cup full of spare change. Nate asked him for a quarter to make his call, but the old man refused.
"This is all the money I have in the world. I need it so I can buy some food tonight," whined the old man. Without hesitating, Nate nunchucked the old man in the head rendering him unconsious.
"Sorry old man, it's for justice." Nate grabbed a quarter and made his call. The Commissioner answered. "Commissioner, how may my nunchucks best serve the cause of justice today?"
"Nunchuck Nate, the Evil Genius Nevins Manafe has unleashed a fiendish plot to sieze control of the city by placing subliminal messages all over the signs and billboards in the city! You must stop him!"
"I'm on it. To the Chuck Bus!" Nate then ran around the corner to where the bus stop was and patiently waited for the bus to arrive. Before it got there, Nate realized he had no money for bus fare, and went back to the homeless man's cup and stole some more change for justice. The bus arrived and Nate asked the driver to take him to the Evil Genius Nevins Manafe's Secret Lair. The driver had no idea what Nate was talking about but told him he could not deviate from his normal route. Luckily for Nate, the secret lair was located only a few blocks from one of the bus stops. Nate jumped off the bus and headed towards the lair.
Once inside the lair Nate easily snuck past Nevins Manafe's henchman and made it to Nevins' main control room. There sat Nevins Manafe, one of the most brilliant evil minds of our time, in his giant swivel chair.
"Hello Nevins," Nate said boldly. Nevins spun around to face him.
"Ah, Nunchuck Nate. I've been expecting you. But I was expecting you to wear pants."
"Justice doesn't wait for pants, Nevins. And it doesn't put up with the likes of you. Let's go."
Nevins laughed maniacally. "What makes you think I will go that easily?" he asked.
"Because I have nunchucks. I guess you're not so smart after all," Nate said with a sneer.
"Nunchucks, eh? Well I have Monkeys with Katana Swords," Nevins retorted. "Release the Katana Monkeys!" A dutiful henchman opened the monkey cage and got out of the way. The 4 monkeys started to run at Nunchuck Nate and he took his defensive stance and started swinging his nunchucks. Before the monkeys got half way there 2 of them killed themselves with their own swords, one started humping the leg of a henchman, and one took a dump in the corner.
"We hadn't really completed their training process," Nevins said with regret. "That's a shame." Then Nevins darted out of the room and down the hall. Nate chased after him. Two henchmen tried to stop Nate and he easily nunchucked their heads off (literally). Down the hall Nevins ducked into a room and closed the door behind him. Nate caught up and tried to open the door but it was locked. Nate swiftly nunchucked the door knob off and kicked in the door. Inside, the room was full of children playing with toys. Nevins stood at the other end of the room.
"What is this? A daycare?" asked Nate.
"Yes. Most of my henchmen are single fathers who can't afford a nanny. I think it's important that we take care of our children. Afterall, they are our future."
"Wow, maybe you're not so evil after all," said Nate. But just then Nevins picked up a baby and threw it at Nate. Nate nunchucked the baby out of the way and charged at Nevins. But Nevins had already slipped out through another door. Down the hallway Nate chased Nevins. It was too late, Nevins had already entered his escape pod. As the pod began to take off Nevins let out another maniacal laugh.
"Until we meet again Nunchuck Nancy!"
"It's Nunchuck Nate!" he yelled as the Pod flew away.
While the Evil Genius Nevins Manafe had slipped his grips, justice had prevailed. Now that Nevins had fled to a secret hideaway, the city was able to restore all their signs and billboards. Nunchuck Nate's job was done. Justice had been served. And now he could put his pants on.
To learn more about Nevins Manafe go to his blog . Nevins is not evil, but he is a genius. He makes things like banners for people and trades them for odd things like this story. Here is what he made for me.
Wednesday, October 11, 2006
Now, Kim Jong has never been a fan of
- Give him a starring role in a movie: He's always wanted to be in a Hollywood film, and if he's bombing in a movie, he won't feel the need to bomb America.
- Drop loads of oversized sunglasses all over North Korea: The man loves his oversized sunglasses, and if he's busy running around picking these shaded treasures up, he won't have time to push the button (Or pull the lever).
- Start a new Reality TV Show called "America's Next Toppled Regime": We don't have the means to fight real war with North Korea, but if Tyra Banks tells him he's out, what else can he do?
- Double Dog Dare him not to bomb us: That always works.
- We could all move to another country and not leave a forwarding address: I'm sorry, the country you have bombed is no longer occupied. Please hang up and try again.
- Hide his house Keys: I don't know about you, but I can't get anything done if I know my keys are missing.
- Download the Garden State Soundtrack onto his iPod: How can you launch a nuclear weapon while listening to the smooth stylings of Paul Simon?
Tuesday, October 10, 2006
I've been tagged. Now Blake, Jen, and Skippy are it.
1. ONE BOOK THAT CHANGED YOUR LIFE?
Santa is Dead by Friedrich Nietzsche
I read this when I was 7 years old, and was never the same again.
2. ONE BOOK YOU HAVE READ MORE THAN ONCE?
How to Keep an Idiot in Suspense
The first page of this book says that the last page of the book will tell you how to keep an idiot in suspense. When you get to the last page, it says that the answer is on the first page.
3. ONE BOOK YOU WOULD WANT ON A DESERT ISLAND?
Eat This Book by Abbie Hoffman
A very tasty sequel from the author of Steal This Book
4. ONE BOOK THAT MADE YOU LAUGH?
This is Not a Book by Nate Smith
A collection of my best blog entries from over the year(s). This book will be released sometime in the future. (If you think this is a good idea, and would be a book worth reading/buying, let me know.)
5. ONE BOOK THAT MADE YOU CRY?
Snakes on a Plane
So much better than the movie! In the end, when Samuel L. and the Queen Snake finally kiss...It doesn't get any more romantic than that.
6. ONE BOOK YOU WISH YOU HAD WRITTEN?
The Bible by God
Man, talk about a sacrificial cash cow.
7. ONE BOOK YOU WISH HAD NEVER BEEN WRITTEN?
The Bible by God
I love it, and I read it, but there'd be a lot less war without it.
8. ONE BOOK YOU ARE CURRENTLY READING?
End-It-Yourself: A Suicidal Do-It-Yourself Book
9. ONE BOOK YOU HAVE BEEN MEANING TO READ?
Procrastination: Why You Do It, What to Do About It by Jane B. Burka
10. ONE BOOK YOU'RE GLAD YOU OWN?
Everyone Poops by Amanda Mayer Stinchecum
For a while I thought it was just me. I feel so much better now.
11. ONE BOOK THAT MUST BE READ ALOUD?
A Picture Book of Lewis and Clark by David A. Adler
Monday, October 09, 2006
An earlier post of mine, Portlanders Protest Protesting, has been published at Demockeracy.com. It's an edited version, only 100 words, but you should check out the rest of the site. It's got some funny stuff.
As I stood at the Emotional Baggage Claim carousel waiting for my baggage to arrive, I couldn't help but make some observations. I realized everyone's emotional baggage looks almost exactly the same. I was waiting for my suitcase of anger, and each time I thought I saw mine, it was actually someone else's. Each bag looked almost identical but they all belonged to different people. I thought to myself, "Man, I thought I was the only person carrying around this much anger." Turns out, we are all dealing with pretty similar problems.
I also noticed that there was no impatience or frustration coming out of the carousel. People tend to take that in their carry-on bags. It's a good thing I had my frustration with me, because it was taking a long time for my baggage to come out.
Finally the carousel stopped. The man running the emotional baggage claim said, "That's it. If your bags didn't come out please come see me." About 20 people rushed over to him. I was third in line. The lady at the front was furious. Only one of her bags had arrived. Needless to say it was her anger.
"I'm sorry Ma'am, but your sadness about the death of your son seems to have been lost along the way. I'm not sure if we are going to be able to find it."
"What!? But that was mine! How can you have just lost it! I need it!" She exclaimed. I couldn't understand it. Why would she want that baggage? There was nothing in there that was useful. It's just a bunch of stuff that will clutter her space. She filled out the form the man gave her and scuttled off in a huff.
When it was my turn the man said, "I'm sorry sir, but your resentment for your sister's ex-boyfriends who treated her badly has been misplaced. Where would you like us to send it once we find it?"
"You know what? Just toss it out. I don't need it anymore."
I'm back. I want to thank you guys for your nice comments while I was away. I will get back into the groove sometime today once I catch up with my real work.
Posted by Unknown at 10:30 AM
Wednesday, October 04, 2006
You have reached the Blog of Nate Smith. Nate can't come to the blog right now, but if you leave your name, blog address, and a brief message, Nate will get back to you as soon as he can. Nate will be out of town until Monday the 9th.
Should I Buy a Prosthetic Limb?
I have a tough decision I am trying to make and I need your help. Basically I am trying to decide if I should buy a prosthetic limb. Right away I should let you know that I am not currently missing any limbs. I am completely limbful. I am at 100% limb status. That being said, I’m still considering purchasing a prosthetic limb. What do you think?
You’re probably going to say no because I do not need one. But I think you are being way too hasty and aren’t looking at the big picture. But you’ll just ignore that and try to tell me that buying a prosthetic limb when I don’t need one is immoral and an insult to those who really do need one. You’ll probably give me some sob story about little Jimmy who lost his leg in a freak Easy Bake Oven accident and needs a brand shining new leg and I might be taking the last one. Well first of all, Jimmy and I are probably not going to need the same size leg, so don’t worry. But again I tell you, you aren’t looking at the big picture. Haven’t you ever heard of supply and demand? If I buy a prosthetic limb, that will create more demand for prosthetic limbs, which in turn will force the prosthetic limb manufacturers to create a greater supply of them. The hike in supply will cause the price to go down. And then Jimmy will be able to get his tiny little fake leg for a much cheaper price. There you go Jimmy. Mobility is on me.
So now that I clearly have demolished your argument that purchasing a prosthetic limb, while still having all of my real limbs, is immoral, you will try to tell me that buying a prosthetic limb is stupid because I don’t need one. Well, you don’t need that iPod, but there it is right there in your pocket blasting “My Humps” by the Black Eyed Peas (I love that song too!). So yes, maybe I don’t need a prosthetic limb right now. But who’s to say I won’t need one in the future? You apparently were never a boy scout. Always be prepared. You don’t go on a long road trip with out a spare tire do you? Well life is one long road trip and you never know when you might lose a limb. Little Jimmy’s parents didn’t love him enough to have a spare limb on hand (so to speak) and he had to spend the whole weekend waiting for his new leg to arrive in the mail. In the meantime all of Jimmy’s friends had a blast playing on their brand new roller blades.
Even if I never lose one of my real limbs, having an extra one can still be very handy. For instance, don’t you ever get tired of only getting half the credit for winning a three-legged race? And wouldn’t it be nice to have an extra hand that your girlfriend could hold so that you can still have access to both of your other hands? Or what about at concerts when you want to hold a lighter in the air but your arm is just too tired? The possibilities are endless. Here is a short list of possible uses for an extra limb.
1. Designated “High Five” hand for people who give annoyingly strong high fives.
2. Now you can get that tattoo you always wanted without dealing with the pain.
3. You can literally have a “leg up” on the competition.
4. Decoy leg for horny dogs.
5. Portable cup holder.
6. If you get drunk, your third leg can serve as a kickstand.
7. At night, drape your third arm over your wife’s shoulder and get points for cuddling.
8. Destroy the competition when playing Twister.
9. Drive and talk on the cell phone at the same time.
10. Run 33% faster! (This may or may not be true.)
Well that settles it. Jimmy and I are off to buy some prosthetic limbs and a new Easy Bake Oven. You want one?