Friday, October 27, 2006

Where Have All the Ninjas Gone?

I just had a thought, and at first I thought I was really stupid for only thinking of this just now and not way earlier. But then I felt pretty smart because I must be the first person to have thought of this because obviously if someone else had thought of this it would already have happened. The thought I had is, "Why isn't the Army using more Ninjas?" I mean, think about it. The Army is in a war right now that was scheduled to end several years ago, and wasn't even originally billed as a war. They are apparently struggling with an insurgency. The problem is Iraqis have a different definition of "greeting as liberators" than Americans do. In their culture that means fire-bombing, flag burning, and rocket launching. This is merely a cultural difference, and one that our traditional Army may not be trained or equipped to handle.

It's not that the soldiers in Iraq are not good at what they do. In fact they are very talented men and women. I have watched quite a few documentaries on the Marines and the Navy SEALS (The Rock, The Marine, G.I. Jane) and they have a lot of similar traits to Ninjas. But the one quality that our Marines and SEALS possess that a Ninja does not, is sympathy. As the Iraqi insurgents place bombs under our soldiers' trucks, our men are taken aback by their sweet gestures. They think "Oh look, how thoughtful. He is greeting me as a liberator by killing my friends." And then instead of stopping the bomber by putting one swift bullet into his head, he merely takes him captive and tortures him. If Ninjas were in Iraq, that bomber would have been dead before he woke up that morning.

That brings up another issue that would be cleared up if the Army relied soley on Ninjas: Torture. Ninjas don't torture. Maybe they would if they had time, but unfortunately their victim was dead after the first blow. In fact, by Ninja standards, torture is when it takes two shots to kill a man.

Another benefit to using Ninjas in our Army is that the Draft would no longer be necessary. For a war like the one we are having in Iraq, you'd need like 5, maybe 6 Ninjas at most. So Cindy Sheehan could cool her jets and enjoy some much needed family time (at home).

Having Ninjas as our only soldiers would also make the Presiden't job a lot easier. If the American people demanded to know what the troops were doing, the President could hold a press conference and just be like, "I don't know what they are doing. They are Ninjas, you know? They're very secretive. Hard to keep track of." And everyone would be like, "Oh, yeah...that's a good point."

Ninjas are also very effective nation builders. One night the people of Iraq would go to sleep, and the next morning they'd wake up and look out their windows (or bomb holes) and....DEMOCRACY!

So I'm not sure what it's going to take to round up the Ninjas we are looking for. Maybe Chuck Norris has some sort of special Ninja whistle that only Ninjas can hear. I don't know. All I'm saying is let's stop wasting our time looking for alternative fuels, and see if we can't find an alternative soldier.


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