Wednesday, May 30, 2007

Freed Willies

A headline on today read "Whales May Have Slipped Into Ocean Before Dawn." The story goes on to say that two whales that had gotten lost and ended up near the Golden Gate Bridge may have found their way back into the Ocean on Wednesday morning. Rescuers had planned on returning them to their rightful home, but when they showed up this morning the Whales were already gone. A search for them yeilded no results and it is believed they are back in the wild. But don't be surprised if next summer there is a Free Willy 4 in a theater near you.

Monday, May 28, 2007

10 Movies I Wish Hollywood Would Make

1. Hannibal Lectern: A movie about a podium that eats people as they try to give speeches.
2. Pulp Diction: A movie about two guys with really bad vocabularies.
3. Lamp Before Time: A movie about how fire was discovered by three young dinosaurs.
4. Rakes on a Plane: While walking through the aisle of a jetliner, Samuel L. Jackson continuously steps on rakes, causing them to hit him in the face over and over until he finally yells "I'm tired of all these Mother F#%*in' rakes on this Mother F#%*in' Plane!
5. Pirates of the Carabiner: Captain Jack Sparrow climbs the 7 Deadly Trees in search of gold.
6. Schindler's Lisp: A Nazi struggles with his inability to pronounce the word "execute."
7. So I Married an Axe: A complete shot by shot re-make of Mike Meyer's "So I Married an Axe Murderer" only this time his love interest is an axe.
8. 3 Men and a Kid: A re-make of the 3 Men and a Baby movie, only instead of a baby, it's a goat!
9. Mortal Wombat: Cute and cuddly little wombats destroy each other in a martial arts tournament to the death.
10. Jurassic Pork: The Pornographic prequel to Jurassic Park which explains how the dinosaurs were really created.

Wednesday, May 23, 2007

Are You Healthier Than a Fifth Grader?

So I'm strolling through grocery store, and by that I mean I was fighting traffic in an extremely aggravated manner and cussing out little stay at home moms as they amble down the aisles with no real sense of direction, and what do I find? Maybe the greatest food item endorsed by a redneck comedian ever! Jeff Foxworthy "Premium Quality" Beef Jerky. YESSSSSS!!!! A quote from Jeff says that this beef jerky is so good you'll want to eat it naked. I highly doubted that. Of all the foods in the world that I would consider it a faux pas to eat while naked, jerky really takes the cake. But once I got home and opened up a bag of Jeff's Jerky, oddly enough I found myself wanting to remove articles of clothing. Don't worry, I was able to maintain control. But damn, it is good. My Wife and I seriously considered going back to the grocery store, and filling a shopping cart with it, and then having a week's worth of meals that consisted solely of Jeff Foxworthy Beef Jerky and potato chips.

Another noteworthy item is the sticker that says "10% MORE." If you look closer it goes on to say "than 3.65 oz. size!" Well, it's a 4 oz. bag. So, I would sure hope that they'd give us 10% more when the bag is 10% bigger. But I guess that is pretty exciting.

Anyway, look for this at your local grocer. It should be right next to the Jeff Foxworthy Defibrillator. "So much voltage, you'll want to defibrillate yourself naked!"

Wednesday, May 16, 2007

Ode to the Helicopter Hangy Thingy

Okay, so officially they're called skids, but I want to pay tribute to those landing bars that are on the bottom of Helicopters that are always being hung onto by action heroes. Can you imagine what our world would be like if we didn't have those? Well, I guess first of all, there would be 100% more helicopter crashes because without those there is no way you can land a chopper safely. But besides that, just think of all the time a villain would have gotten away because the hero didn't have anything to grab onto and then climb up and kill the bad guys. Those hangy thingies are the unsung hero of the crime fighting world.

When I originally set out to write this post, I had grand visions of posting a bunch of pics from classic action flicks where a hero is hanging from the skid of a helicopter. But I spent approximately 3 hours scouring google images and could not find one satisfactory pic. This makes this famous helicopter part even more majestic. Now, like Unicorns, we know that they exist and that they are glorious, but we can't seem to proof of their existence. I mean, sure, I can find plenty of pictures of the actual part, just like I can find plenty of pictures of a real horse. But just try finding a picture of a person hanging from one. You'll find it just as impossible as finding a real picture of a horse with a single horn on its head. But yet, we know both of those things exist.


Sunday, May 13, 2007

if I say so

I've come to a realization that anytime I make a declaration that I'm going to do something, I don't do it. It's not that I am not trying to do it. I fully intend to do it. But invariably, something gets in my way. Case in point: I recently declared that I was going to take a hiatus from this blog. After a couple of weeks, I missed it so damn much that I started writing it again. So then I declared that I was going to start writing this blog regularly again. And's been 6 days since my last post. And let's face it, I was pretty much just phoning it in on those posts. At first I thought this was a horrible character flaw on my part. Look at me! I'm the guy who can't make good on any of his promises. But then I realized, even if I promised to be a slacker, I couldn't live "up" to that. So maybe my curse, is really my power. Maybe I can use this power for good. Maybe I can start declaring that I am NOT going to do certain things that I do want to do. For instance, I am not going to ever get my own comedy show on national TV. That's right! I said it people! NEVER! I will never do that! Also, I will never punch Dr. Phil in the throat (I would have gone for punching him in the balls, but there seems to be a layer of fat blocking access to his balls, and his throat is a much bigger target anyway). And, I am NEVER going to cheat on my wife...wait, I mean I WILL cheat on my wife!
Of course, now that I think about it, based on the theory that whatever I say will happen, the opposite happens, I guess this curse will no longer exist. Crap.

Monday, May 07, 2007

Just Nuke It!

In an article in scientists claim to have created a machine that can give you an 8 hour sleep in just 3 hours. Using a technique called Transcranial Magnetic Stimulation the scientists can induce slow waves like the ones your brain gives off when you are in your deepest sleep.

"The TMS device sends harmless magnetic signals through the scalp and skull and into the brain where it activates electrical impulses."
It's kind of like sticking a frozen pizza in the microwave and having a tasty treat in a matter of minutes. Only instead of a frozen pizza, it's your brain!

So is this a good idea? Or a bad idea? Let's weigh the pros and cons together.

Pro: No more sleepless nights.
Con: No more "sleepless night" excuses.

Pro: Great for making sure your buddy doesn't wake up before you finish drawing on his face.
Con: I'm usually that buddy.

Pro: More time to get stuff done.
Con: More time to feel bad about how much you haven't done.

Whenever technology like this is invented, I always like to figure out how it could be used to fight crime. For instance, if we could refine this technology and turn the TMS device into a ray gun, the police could knock out criminals in a safe manner. Or create a giant TMS turret gun that could be used for riot control. Of course, were these items to fall into the wrong hands, it could be devastating!


According to this article in the NY Times we will soon be able to download 3-D plans for different objects, and physically print them right in our own homes! So for example, if you lost the battery cover to your cell phone, boom! You can print a new one. Currently the going rate for one of these 3-D printers is about $15,000 but some companies hope to make them available for the low low price of $4,995 by the end of the year. And you know the price is only going to keep going down. I can't wait to get one of these bad boys. Here are first ten 3-D objects I would print.

1. Nunchucks: Duh!
2. Mustache: I would put myself in the printer like a piece of paper, and have the mustache printed right on me!
3. 2-D printer: I still don't have one of those.
4. Egg McMuffin: Mmmmmm...
5. iPhone: obviously.
6. Unicorn: They exist now!
7. Bottle of Mt. Dew: 3-D refreshment.
8. 3-D glasses: That way I can see everything I've printed.
9. Trash can: I have a feeling there's going to be a lot of mistakes.
10. Pirate Ship: The only way to travel.

Wednesday, May 02, 2007

Houston...We have a question.

An article on yesterday announced that NASA was dealing with a lot of uncomfortable questions. Among these questions were if they were one a 3 year mission to Mars and an astronaut died, should they dispose of the body, and if so, how? Another question they are tossing around in their think tanks is how should astronauts handle their sexual needs during an extended space mission? (Remember, things are messier in zero gravity)

Here are 10 more awkward questions I'd like to see NASA deal with:

1. After 2 years of space travel, is it okay to tell your co-astronaut that he has been saying your name wrong since you first launched?
2. What is the best way to tell a fellow astronaut that their breath stinks? Can you ask him to wear his mask the whole time?
3. In space, if you smelled it, did you dealt it?
4. Is it still okay to refer to black holes as "black"?
5. When getting back into the space ship after walking on the moon, do standard "shotgun" rules apply?
6. Is it okay to yell "fire!" in space? Because seriously, there can't be fire in space.
7. If it's okay to cheat on your girlfriend with another woman when you are in a different zip code, is it okay to cheat on your girlfriend with a dude when you are in a different orbit?
8. We can't torture people here on earth, but if we find aliens...c'mon, can we torture them a little?
9. Due to NASA's rigorous health standards for all its astronauts, including women, is it safe to say that NASA has a "No fat chicks!" policy?
10. If they watch "Apollo 13" during their flight, can that be logged as extra training?

Blogstache Day 9

My wife hates this experiment.


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