Thursday, January 18, 2007

I may already be dead

It's quite possible that as I write these words I am on my way out of this mortal existence. Why? Because Ninja Nate Smith emailed me today!!! My wife said she heard something in the house last night while we were sleeping, but I didn't believe her. I checked my body and as far as I can see there are no puncture wounds. But maybe NNS poisoned me, or touched some pressure point that only Ninjas know about and in 32 hours I'll be dead. Anyway, here is what he said.

"Nate Smith,

This is ninja Nate Smith, and I must inform you that revealing my secret identity to the world is one of the seven deadly sins of the ninja world, so I suggest you learn to sleep with one eye open. I may, however, grant you a reprieve since I did rank higher than you. I will have to kill number one and number two, however, ninjas come third to no one. As for my name, I was put into the ninja protection program as an infant and brought to this country to live with an unsuspecting American family, last name Smith, where I continued to develop my ninja skills in secret. I am currently raising a ninja son, so even your future children won’t be safe from my wrath. As for real estate, the market has just started to pick up again and now is an excellent time to buy or sell, I’d love to send you some information on houses in your area."

Nate Smith

Century 21 Jeffries Lydon

(530)899-5912 direct

(530)321-1558 cell

(ninja simulation)

You may now poop your pants. Okay, now go change. I'll wait....

Welcome back. Nice pants.

So this has become quite the eventful day. First of all everyone on the Best Nate Smith Ever! World Rankings moves up two notches. And unfortunately, Fire Pirate Nate Smith, and Crooked Hat Nate Smith are dead. I don't have confirmation of this, but a ninja just sent me an email saying he was going to kill them, so it's as good as done.

A few things NNS said confused me. For instance, he suggested that I sleep with one eye open. Why? So that can be the eye that he runs his katana through? I don't think so! How about instead of sleeping with one eye open, I sleep encased in a granite tomb. It'll be much harder for him to get in, and if he does, well, at least I'm already in a tomb.

The other thing I discovered as I read the email over and over looking for secret messages about how the Ninja will dole out my demise, is that the government has a Ninja Protection Program. Now this just ticks me off. This is just another example of the government wasting the tax payer's money. Protecting a ninja is like praying for the Pope. It's completely unnecessary. While we're at it why don't we ask Santa what he wants for Christmas, and then teach a sex education class to Pamela Anderson. The NPP is a sham!

Regardless of my political beliefs on the topic of Ninja protection, I have revised the Best Nate Smith Ever! World Rankings.

The Best Nate Smith Ever! World Rankings

1. Supreme Ruler of all Nate Smiths

2. Distant second



X. Murdered by Ninja

X. Murdered by Ninja (most likely stabbed in his extremely large neck.)


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