Monday, April 30, 2007
Sunday, April 29, 2007
So...YESSSSSSSSS!!!!!!! This is definitely a candidate for Best Thing Ever. It's called "The Avenging Unicorn," and if you go to the website that is selling it you'll see that it comes with "4 magical horns and 3 figures to impale." In the picture the impaled figure of choice is a mime.
If I had to choose between the ability to grow a nunchucks mustache and being able to summon a beautiful white unicorn to come to my aid and impale whomever I wish, I'm not sure which one I'd go with!
The only thing better than a unicorn that impales people upon my command, is a unicorn with nunchucks instead of a horn, that chucks people to death upon my command.
Saturday, April 28, 2007
Friday, April 27, 2007
Thursday, April 26, 2007
Video Game Baseball season has just begun, and it's getting real! My friends and I play a video game called MVP '06 NCAA Baseball. We take it pretty seriously and we've decided to document our digital season and are even keeping stats. It's going to get pretty tense. Here are two profile videos for two of the players. Enjoy.
Wednesday, April 25, 2007
I LOVE this picture. This is an ad that you will find at the Goodwill stores. In an age where everything gets spun by the media and perfectly sculpted models sell everything from toilet cleaners to hot pockets, it's nice to know that one company is still keepin' it real.
It is now Day 2 of my attempt to grow a mustache. Get the latest update on my progress here.
Tuesday, April 24, 2007
I'm always talking about how I can't grow a mustache. Well now it's time for me to put my money where my upper lip is. Today I started a .mac blog called "Blogstache." It'll be a daily update of my attempt to grow a mustache. It's going to be a sad sad story.
Monday, April 23, 2007
Great! Throughout my childhood I was told that if you stare at the sun you will go blind. And now, not only does NASA want me to stare at the sun, they want me to do it in 3D!!! According to CNN.com, NASA has released a series of three-dimensional images of the sun that were taken by twin spacecraft.
But that's not all. NASA is also encouraging their astronauts to run on the moon while holding scissors, and to cross through an asteroid belt without looking both ways. Thanks NASA!
Saturday, April 21, 2007
I just read on CNN.com that Pyratecon, a weekend long Pirate convention, is headed down to New Orleans. This is pretty awesome. I love pirates. But the article goes on to say that part of the convention will include going to schools hit by Katrina to give aid. Excuse me? Look, I'm all for helping out the victims of Katrina. But if you are going to spend a weekend trying to be as piratey as possible, spreading good will and helping out others is not the way to do it. Pirates are all about plundering and pillaging and taking whatever they can get for themselves. "Take what you can. Give nothing back!" What's next? Is there going to be a NAMBLA convention where people dress up like pedophiles and then go spend a day volunteering at a Senior Citizen home? Or maybe a Hooker convention where they go to schools and teach abstinence. All I'm saying is comic book geeks don't go to comic book conventions to get laid, and pirate geeks shouldn't go to pirate conventions to give aid.
Friday, April 20, 2007
So I just saw this on CNN.com. In Chicago, they are planning on building a 2000 foot, 150 story, twisting skyscraper. It will be the tallest building in the US. But that's not the best part. Look at it! It's a big Unicorn horn! It's so beautiful! I am so jealous of the 1,200 residents that will get to live inside this magical creation! I can only imagine how glorious the inside of this building will be!
10 Best Things About Living in a Unicorn Horn
1. Terrorists can't destroy this building because Unicorn horns are impervious to evil.
2. None of the residents will ever have a need for viagra.
3. You never have to tell people your address. You can just say, I live at the Unicorn horn and they know exactly what you mean.
4. You can finally put up all those paintings of unicorns without it seeming gay.
5. Free pot of gold at the end of every hallway.
6. When you go into the basement, you are in the Unicorn's brain!
7. You don't have to worry about water building up on the roof of the building.
8. Every time a doorbell rings, a Unicorn gets its horn.
9. Every wish you make comes true.
10. You're in a friggin' Unicorn horn! What more do you need!?
Thursday, April 19, 2007
CNN.com reported this headline today: Chinese Translation Error Blamed For Slur on Sofa Label. A couch that was being delivered to a black family raised quite a stir when the 7-year-old daughter saw that it was labeled "Nigger Brown." The mother complained to the furniture store who blamed the supplier. The supplier pointed out that the mistake was a result of an old Chinese translation software that translates the Chinese symbols for "dark brown" into this more offensive English translation. The supplier explained, "We're not racist. We just have a chink in our system. I'm sorry, I mean kink in our system."
So I just found an awesome website called funnyordie.com. It's produced by Will Ferrell and his peeps and basically it is a host site for funny videos. At the end of each video you can vote either "funny" or "die." If you do really well then Will Ferrell comes to your house and kisses you on the lips (that's an assumption, but I think it's a safe one to make.) If enough people vote for your video to die, it goes to the crypt. I've posted some videos up on the site. Some you have seen here. Please click on the links below and if you think they are funny vote for them by clicking on "funny" in the video player. If you don't think they are funny...simply walk away. Thanks! And make sure you go to the site!
Figures of Action
If I had Nunchucks
Reese's Quail Cups
In the blog forums at bloggeries.com I posted a challenge to other would be funny bloggers to see if they thought their blog was funnier than mine. For several days everyone cowered behind their keyboards, but finally one brave soul has stepped forward to put me in my place. He goes by BP Perry and his blog is http://ittodbtbia.wordpress.com. Now, if you are reading my blog, chances are you are biased. But go check his blog out. Read a lot of his entries. And then let us know what you think. You can email me at firstname.lastname@example.org to tell me who's blog is funnier. I won't be hurt if you say he is funnier, I'll just be inspired to work harder (but don't just say that so that I work harder).
I caught this headline on CNN.com today: Antwerp Zoo asks visitors not to stare at the chimps
One chimp in particular, named Cheetah, was raised by humans but is now integrating into the ape society and the zoo officials fear too much human bonding will delay the chimp's progress.
I've always had a problem with zoos because they are not interactive enough. Why the hell can't I jump in the lion's den and reenact my favorite story from the Bible? Why isn't there a set of vines over the alligator pit so that I can swing across like Tarzan? And if I provide my own mice, why can't I feed the boa constrictor? What good is it to have all these animals trapped in cages if we can't play with them? All we can do is look! But now we can't even do that.
The Antwerp Zoo, in Belgium, has placed a sign outside the chimp exhibit that asks visitors not to stare at the chimps. Their new motto should be, "Nature, Get a Glimpse!" What the sign actually says is, "Look away when the animal seeks to make contact with you." Does that sound familiar to anyone else? Reminds me of third grade. Little Sally Hunter would never look at me. When I wasn't facing her, I could tell she was watching me. But every time I turned around, she looked away! All I wanted was to make eye contact! But she wouldn't. So I pulled her ponytail. Of course, a chimp can't pull our ponytails. So instead, he throws poop at the glass. Pretty much the same thing.
But what if this doesn't work? What if we simply refusing to stare at the chimp doesn't deter it from bonding with humans? What's next? Maybe they'll post a sign that says, "Please piss off the chimp."
Wednesday, April 18, 2007
I feel like such a fool for not thinking of this earlier, but this is quite possibly the Best Thing Ever! Mustchucks! How powerful would I be if I could grow nunchucks right on my face! Watch out evil-doers! Puberty has hit, and it hits hard!
Tuesday, April 17, 2007
While scientists continue to pour on irrefutable evidence that Global Warming is indeed a reality and something that we as a society need to fix, Politicians and Religious leaders just don't want to give in. For every logical and rational argument that science puts out there, politics lashes back with a crazy and unfounded counter-point. But the facts are adding up and the politicians are running out of crappy excuses for the sudden rise in temperature. So I came up with a new one, that just might work.
Consider this: Perhaps Mother Earth is simply having hot flashes. Put into the perspective of the timeline of the entire Universe, Mother Earth is at about that age where she should be experiencing Menopause. Her bodies of water are going through some changes, but this is totally normal. Lots of women go through this natural change everyday. And Nature is prepared for this shift. In fact, this isn't the first time Mother Earth has experienced this sort of thing. Think back to when the ice ages ended and the polar caps all melted and flooded the Earth. That was Mother Earth getting her first period.
This excuse will work like a charm. Anytime a guy hears that a girl is going through her "lady times," he shuts up right away. No questions asked. In fact, most guys have no idea what "lady times" really entail, and are willing to assume anything that happens during those times is perfectly normal.
The problem with the politicians' current tactic is that they are using arguments that the scientists are comfortable talking about. But nothing makes a nerd more uncomfortable than a hot girl. And that's exactly what Mother Earth is right now.
These are my buds, Joe and Oyl. They can ball. And even more so they can edit. Check out their video HERE.
Sunday, April 15, 2007
I came up with a new game that I will simply call the Celebrity Name Game. The rules of the game are simple. I come up with funny combination of a word or phrase, and a celebrity name. They are fun to say out loud, although sometimes they are a bit difficult to pronounce correctly. An example is Egregious Philbin. If he hosted a game show it'd be called "Who Wants To Be A FUCKING Millionaire!"
Here are a bunch of Celebrity Name/Word combinations I came up with while sitting in church. Feel free to leave a comment with your own entries.
Fauxprah - She tells you there's a key to a brand new car under your seat, but there's no key there.
Inflammatori Amos - Trying to relaunch her career, Tori Amos takes on the hip hop scene.
Stay-Puff Daddy - "Don't touch my fuckin' belly."
Paula Abdula-Oblongata - If you don't get this one, watch Adam Sandler's Waterboy.
Condo-Leeza Rice - Tall and elegant, but you don't want to know what goes on in the boiler room.
Madonnatello - A Ninja Turtle that wears a purple cone bra.
Dr. Philabuster - This is actually an accurate representation of Dr. Phil.
Shish-Kabob Hope - This is what happened the last time he was roasted at the Friar's Club.
Tony Infludanza - This is what everybody caught when "Who's the Boss" was on, and what everyone was immune to when Tony Danza got his own talk show.
LeBrawny James - The quicker National Championship picker upper.
Quentin Tarantina Turner - He keeps hitting himself and then going back for more. And of course a ton of blood spurts out.
Fallic Baldwin - Alec is the tip, and Stephen and William are the balls.
Stephen Speilburglar - After not getting the Oscar this year, he turned to a life of crime.
Maitre' Dionne Warrick - She'll take your reservation and sing you a song while you wait.
Astrologena Davis - She used to be a star, now she just studies them.
Danish Cook - This pastry is hilarious!
LL Cool Whip - Grab a ho and apply generously.
Rubix Cuba Gooding Jr. - As soon as you solve it, you'll want to give a tear-filled acceptance speech.
Anthony Michael Halter Top - Totally fashionable in the 80's. Not so much now.
Chocolate Eclaire Danes - mmmmmmm......
Jeep Cherokeifer Sutherland - The deadliest vehicle on the road.
Wednesday, April 11, 2007
Hey, remember "Lesser of Two Evils #1"? Remember how I called it a series, implying that there'd me more? Well here it is! This second edition of "Lesser of Two Evils" is written in the form of a conversation. It's actually going to be part of a 2 man comedy show I am producing called Nate and Nathan. The other guy in the show is named Nathan. Get it? Enjoy!
Okay, Nate. I've got a Lesser of 2 Evils challenge for you.
Okay, I'm game. Bring it.
Would you rather sharpen your penis with a pencil sharpener, or drop an atomic bomb on the Special Olympics?
Well, first of all, is it an electric pencil sharpener?
No, it's an old school style sharpener, and you have to crank it yourself.
Well the worst part about that is when I have to adjust the size down. And the other option is dropping an atomic bomb on the Special Olympics?
What do you have against the Special Olympics?
Nothing. I'm not going to drop the bomb. You are.
No I'm not.
So you'd rather have your #2 pencil sharpened to a nub?
I'd have to sharpen it all the way down to a nub?
Yeah, like when you were in school and you would sharpen your pencil so much that you could barely hold it.
That might not take too long. But still, that'd be pretty painful.
And the process would probably be irreversible. I don't think they can sew dick shavings back on.
Yeah...so these Special Olympics, are they the summer or winter Special Olympics?
I think there's just the one. But I can't believe you would bomb a bunch of running retards.
Well Ashley and I want to have kids some day! And you really shouldn't use that word. It's offensive.
Hey, you're the one that is bombing them.
But you made me do it!
I didn't make you do anything. I gave you two choices. And apparently you can't help but think with your penis.
Ashley wants to have a baby!
Well, I hope your baby ends up being...special.
That is not nice.
Man, you really hate retards.
Stop calling them that!
Oh, and think about this. When you do bomb the Special Olympics, not only will you be killing thousands of innocent mentally challenged children, you'll be killing the most capable ones this planet has to offer.
Then who would serve us our McDonald's breakfast? I can't live without my Egg McMuffin. I choose the penis sharpener.
Sunday, April 08, 2007
Okay, I have to admit, I'm a little bit hung up on nunchucks right now. I think the best thing to do is to just get them out of my system. But you have to ask yourself, "What Would Jesus Chuck?"
Best Items to Turn into Nunchucks
1. Gunchucks: Good for close range and long range attacks.
2. Nun-Chucks: Actual nuns. To be used by Giants.
3. Stunchucks: Two tazers flying around can be pretty lethal. Just don't catch the wrong end.
4. Raptorchucks: Another weapon that only giants would be able to use, but man, they would be a clever girl.
5. Dungchucks: The only thing worse than getting hit by a nunchuck, is getting hit by a poopy nunchuck. "Ow that hurt! And I have poop on me!"
6. Chuck Norris' Legs-chucks: Chuck Norris' legs each have their own license to kill. If/when he dies, I hope he'll donate his body to crime fighting.
7. Handcuffchucks: If you are really strong, you can use these to grab one opponent, and then swing him around as your weapon.
8. Puppychucks: "Hey, look how cute those little puppies are-OH MY GOD THEY'RE FLYING RIGHT AT ME!"
9. Banana Cream Piechucks: The weapon of clowns.
10. Lightning Boltchucks: The weapon of gods.
Worst Items to Turn into Nunchucks
1. Hot Dog Bunchucks: These probably wouldn't last more than one hit and unfortunately they come 12 to a package while bad guys only come 8 to a package.
2. Starchucks: Two Frappuccinos chained to each other. You'll probably just end up scalding yourself.
3. Upchucks: I have a pretty weak stomach. If my nunchucks were covered in throw up, I'd be hurling all over the place. Actually, that might be pretty effective.
4. Vibratorchucks: It's not good when your weapon does more pleasure than pain. (These are also sometimes referred to as nunfucks.)
5. Pillowchucks: Only useful if you are at a cheerleader slumber party.
Friday, April 06, 2007
That's what it means, right? Gay means happy. Look it up. And now if you're gay and want to have the happiest wedding on Earth, Mickey Mouse says, "Oh boy!" Disney has officially announced that wedding ceremonies in front of Cinderella's Castle are now open to same-sex couples, granted they have a valid marriage license. Disney has finally put the fairy back in fairy tale.
And I say good for them! Finally all the closeted gay Disney characters can come out. For example: The Seven Dwarves. Only one of them wasn't gay and that was Grumpy, which explains why he was always so grumpy. He was the only one not getting any action. How about that Candlestick from Beauty and the Beast? He is literally flaming, and you know he fantasizes about having Jack be nimble but maybe not so quick. And of course there is Baloo, a large male "bear" who is constantly hanging out with a boy in his underwear.
And now these characters can finally embrace their true colors...which is a rainbow.
I am writing to you because I need some help in trend setting and you guys are clearly at the top of the trend setting game. Okay, here's what I want. I want you to start using nunchucks in your rap videos instead of guns. Nunchucks are so much cooler than guns, and the world needs to see that. You guys are the best way to bring nunchucks to the pop-culture forefront. Rappers are always making stupid things seem cool. Like Nelly wearing a band-aid for no reason. Or Snoop Dog saying phrases like "What's crack-a-lackin'?" Or pot.
But nunchucks aren't stupid! They're already really cool. So it would be even easier to convince other people that they should be carrying nunchucks around all the time. All you have to do is get some black people to start doing it, and then all the white people will copy it.
Just imagine Chingy slingin' rhymes while at the same time slingin' the 'chucks. That would make an amazing rap video. And every rapper could have his own nunchuck style. For instance, Busta would be 'chuckin' fast and furious. At the same time, Snoop Dog would barely be swinging his and would occasionally slap it against the chin of a bitch and/or ho.
And rapping about nunchucks would make for some great rhymes. Fill in this blank: "I be 'chuckin' while I be _____." I think you know what goes in that blank. The 'chucks could also create a whole slew of cool new slang terms. For instance, WTC? (What the Chuck?)
And, nunchucks are totally customizable! You can put all sorts of bling on your 'chucks. They could be covered in diamonds (I think you call that "ice"), or silver, or pure gold. You could also connect two microphones. The Three 6 Mafia could turn their Oscars in Oscarchucks! Or, if you really can't give up the idea of being "strapped" or carrying "heat," you could use a chain to connect two guns and create Gunchucks!
Look guys, it would be totally easy to get this trend started. Another great way to spread the word about nunchucks is to carry some with you into a night club. Just stick them in your pants so that they are slightly visible. The camera phones will be clickin' like crazy. "Did you see that? P Diddy is a chucker!"
Now, I know that nunchucks and rap have a bit of sordid past. The last time they were uttered in the same phrase was during the 2nd Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles movie in the Vanilla Ice Ninja Rap scene. Let's not let this hold us back. It's time to move forward. It's time to get 'chuckin'. Do you feel me?
Thursday, April 05, 2007
Spud Oregon, a rad blogger who reviews other sites, just wrote a very nice review about me. Go check out his blog at nice4rice.com. He's a real swell guy!
Wednesday, April 04, 2007
Headline from CNN.com: Virtual Feds Visit Second Life Casinos. Apparently the creators of the online game had a major virtual reality check when they realized they might be legally responsible any illegal gambling going on in their faux world. So they actually asked the Feds to investigate the casinos, where their currency of lindens are exchanged for real world dollars, in order to determine what, if any, actions need to be taken. The legality of it all isn't that interesting to me. What is interesting is the idea of FBI agents signing on to this crazy game, creating virtual identities, and walking around the world of 2nd Life in order to investigate. So many questions arise! What will they make their characters look like? Will they give themselves the chiseled physique the Bureau demands they attain? Or will they stay true to the chubby physique the Bureau has allowed them to retain? Will they don official FBI duds? Or will they get to live out their fantasies of wearing a bad ass leather jacket and carrying a shotgun strapped to their back (while secretly wearing ladies underwear underneath)?
I, by the way, have dabbled in 2nd Life.
Here is the character I created for myself.
Check out that mustache! That's a Luigi special!
So what's next? Are the Feds going to cut down on illegal betting going on at the Mario Kart Speedways? You know Wario and Donkey Kong are totally placing bets on the side. Or maybe the UN will start looking into the interrogation techniques of Halo squadrons. And don't even get me started on Grand Theft Auto.
I for one am very excited with this new development. We can expect a myriad of new TV shows!
CSI: World of Warcraft - "Get this Orc DNA to the lab right away. It's going to take a real wizard to solve this crime."
"Well you're in luck, because I am a wizard."
Law and Order: CSVU (Cyber Sexual Victims Unit) - "According to your profile you're an 18 year old cheerleader. But we both know that's not true, is it Mr. Jenkins?"
And of course there will be ESPN: Fantasy Sports Center.
Tuesday, April 03, 2007
Rumor has it that Ashton Kutcher, creator of the show Punk'd, is going to start a new show that is similar to Punk'd, but all of the pranks will involve him making the celebrities touch his balls. The show will be called Junk'd.