Wednesday, October 04, 2006

Should I Buy a Prosthetic Limb?

Should I Buy a Prosthetic Limb?

I have a tough decision I am trying to make and I need your help. Basically I am trying to decide if I should buy a prosthetic limb. Right away I should let you know that I am not currently missing any limbs. I am completely limbful. I am at 100% limb status. That being said, I’m still considering purchasing a prosthetic limb. What do you think?

You’re probably going to say no because I do not need one. But I think you are being way too hasty and aren’t looking at the big picture. But you’ll just ignore that and try to tell me that buying a prosthetic limb when I don’t need one is immoral and an insult to those who really do need one. You’ll probably give me some sob story about little Jimmy who lost his leg in a freak Easy Bake Oven accident and needs a brand shining new leg and I might be taking the last one. Well first of all, Jimmy and I are probably not going to need the same size leg, so don’t worry. But again I tell you, you aren’t looking at the big picture. Haven’t you ever heard of supply and demand? If I buy a prosthetic limb, that will create more demand for prosthetic limbs, which in turn will force the prosthetic limb manufacturers to create a greater supply of them. The hike in supply will cause the price to go down. And then Jimmy will be able to get his tiny little fake leg for a much cheaper price. There you go Jimmy. Mobility is on me.

So now that I clearly have demolished your argument that purchasing a prosthetic limb, while still having all of my real limbs, is immoral, you will try to tell me that buying a prosthetic limb is stupid because I don’t need one. Well, you don’t need that iPod, but there it is right there in your pocket blasting “My Humps” by the Black Eyed Peas (I love that song too!). So yes, maybe I don’t need a prosthetic limb right now. But who’s to say I won’t need one in the future? You apparently were never a boy scout. Always be prepared. You don’t go on a long road trip with out a spare tire do you? Well life is one long road trip and you never know when you might lose a limb. Little Jimmy’s parents didn’t love him enough to have a spare limb on hand (so to speak) and he had to spend the whole weekend waiting for his new leg to arrive in the mail. In the meantime all of Jimmy’s friends had a blast playing on their brand new roller blades.

Even if I never lose one of my real limbs, having an extra one can still be very handy. For instance, don’t you ever get tired of only getting half the credit for winning a three-legged race? And wouldn’t it be nice to have an extra hand that your girlfriend could hold so that you can still have access to both of your other hands? Or what about at concerts when you want to hold a lighter in the air but your arm is just too tired? The possibilities are endless. Here is a short list of possible uses for an extra limb.

1. Designated “High Five” hand for people who give annoyingly strong high fives.
2. Now you can get that tattoo you always wanted without dealing with the pain.
3. You can literally have a “leg up” on the competition.
4. Decoy leg for horny dogs.
5. Portable cup holder.
6. If you get drunk, your third leg can serve as a kickstand.
7. At night, drape your third arm over your wife’s shoulder and get points for cuddling.
8. Destroy the competition when playing Twister.
9. Drive and talk on the cell phone at the same time.
10. Run 33% faster! (This may or may not be true.)

Well that settles it. Jimmy and I are off to buy some prosthetic limbs and a new Easy Bake Oven. You want one?


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