Wednesday, December 05, 2007

Wishbone's are legit!

I know this post is a bit late but hey, the holidays are a busy
season. I just wanted to document my experience with the age old
tradition of breaking the wishbone. My wife and I decided to break a
wishbone together. I had what I thought was the most clever idea ever.
"Let's wish for the same thing so that we can be sure it will come
true!" What an amazing scheme! I immediately began thinking of the
possibilities. Nintendo TV...lifetime supply of Mt. Dew.
Then I remembered that if we say it out loud it won't come true. So
Ashley and I agreed to silently guess what we both wanted. So now I'm
thinking a trip to the Bahamas...a new car...the trash to magically
take itself out. So we both grabbed the wishbone and pulled and as if
to say, "You can't trick me!" the wishbone broke into 4 even parts.
Neither one of us was the winner. I used to think wishbones were a
hokey tradition. Now I totally believe in them and can't wait for next
Thanksgiving. And I guess the trash won't be taken out anytime
soon...because hell if I'm going to do it.

Sunday, October 07, 2007


I've never wanted a tattoo. I think they're dumb. Most tattoos are funny, clever, or meaningful at first but after a few years they are just embarrassing. There are very few tattoos that stand the test of time. And even though I will never get a tattoo, I've always wanted to figure out what the perfect tattoo would be. It'd have to be something that would either be funny forever, or always useful. Here's the ideas I've come up with so far.

Chest Hair: I'm never going to have real chest hair, and I don't really want hair on my chest, but occasionally some ladies do like men with chest hair, and it wouldn't hurt to at least give off the illusion of manliness.
Back Massage Grid: One of the most annoying things about getting a massage is giving directions to the masseuse. Your left, I mean my left, go down, a little lower, that's not my back. With a back massage grid I could simply say, "C 4" and get exactly what I'm looking for.
Growth Chart: I would love to go home to my childhood house and take the growth chart from my bedroom door and have it tattooed to my side from my ankles up.
Made in China: A little tattoo right above my butt that says "Made in China," just like a Troll Doll. I guess then I'd have to grow my hair out.
Property of Ashley Smith. If found please call 503-329-9778: This would be on my chest, that way if I get lost whoever finds me can return me to my owner. Of course, this only works if my wife never changes her phone number.
Your ad here: Hey, I'm for sale.
A heart with "Your Mom" inside it: This is a new twist on an old classic. Instead of a mushy shout out to my mom on my arm, how about a shout out to your mom.
A treasure map that ends with an X on my booty: This is merely meant to be a play on words, not an invitation for any kind of sexual activities.
Milk Milk Lemonade: There's an old wise saying that goes, "Milk, milk, lemonade, around the corner is where the fudge is made." I'd like to have a diagram of this phrase on my chest/backside.
My friend went to Niagra Falls and I didn't even get a stupid t-shirt: Self explanatory.

Tuesday, October 02, 2007

Barack Obomba

Democratic presidential candidate Barack Obama on Tuesday called for ridding the world of nuclear weapons. Republican candidates quickly sided with Barack saying they knew of a few good places we could drop them.

Monday, October 01, 2007

Solar Powered Hotness

So apparently the new hotness is this:

Solar powered jackets that enable you to charge your mobile gadgets from the comfort of your own pockets. I know how important it is to always have power, because everything I know, I learned from Back to the Future 2. (See Video) And I have lots of gadgets that need constant charging when I am out on the town. Let's see, there's my cell phone, and my iPod, and my PSP. Plus I always carry my own electric can opener in case I get struck with the sudden desire for some canned peas. And then there's my electric wallet that opens at the push of a button. It's a real bummer when that runs out of battery. Plus my electric pen that lights up as I write so that I know that I'm actually writing. And I have a laptop. And of course I have a electric motorized rolling carrying case for my laptop. Also I have a battery powered battery charger that is always seeming to run out of battery. So with all these essential tools, it's a no brainer to have apparel that will keep them all juiced up. But I must say I'm a bit disappointed in this approach. I always knew clothing that charges our batteries would be the wave of the future. I just assumed they would go with wind power instead.

Thursday, September 27, 2007

Nike Native

Nike is reportedly producing a line of shoes made soley for Native Americans. They will distributing the shoes to tribal wellness programs and tribal schools at a discount. They will be called the Air Natives. I know they have their own marketing team but I thought I'd take a shot at coming up with some slogan ideas. These may be racially insensitive.

  1. Say "How" to the new Air Natives.
  2. The Air Natives, not your chief's mocassins.
  3. The Air Natives, $119.99 or 400 acres of reservation.
  4. The Air Natives, because your athletic wear shouldn't be a gamble.
  5. The Air Natives, reserve yours today.
  6. The Air Natives, so good you'll give them as a gift and then take them back.
  7. The Air Natives, hey sorry for that whole stealing your land thing.
  8. The Air Natives, so comfortable the Trail of Tears is no big deal.
  9. The Air Natives, What would you do with out the White Man?
  10. The Air Natives, made for cheap by natives of another land. Sold for cheap to natives of this land.

Monday, September 24, 2007

Scissors Rule!

Okay, maybe I'm geeking out a bit, but scissors are really really awesome! Wait, hear me out. I know we've all used scissors before and yeah there's nothing new about them. But I just used a pair of scissors to cut open a bag containing a yummy snack and I have to say, I was overwhelmed with joy over what an awesome piece of technology scissors are. Actually, I think my reaction appropriately matched the awesomeness of the situation so I guess I was just whelmed. But just think about how powerful scissors are! How many items were you constantly reminded not to run with when you were a child? (if scissors and the pool teamed up they would be a powerhouse) Scissors have used fear to maintain order in elementary class rooms throughout the ages. But scissors are more than just a method for enforcing juvenile speed limits. They are also the ambassadors to new businesses. Every day a new business is opened and with out a pair of scissors to cut that impenetrable ribbon in front of the store, how would customers ever get in? Scissors are so powerful that even though they are only one item, they are referred to as a pair. So take a moment to respect the incredible invention that is Scissors.

Wednesday, August 01, 2007

Russia Calls the Hump

Russia set off on an expedition today to put their flag at the bottom of the Arctic Ocean in order to lay claim to the oil and gas that might lie down there. This is a crafty move on Russia's part. The Russians are comparing it to putting a flag on the moon, and if putting a flag on the moon is like calling "Shotgun" before you get into a car, then putting a flag at the bottom of the ocean is like calling the middle of the back seat. Sure, getting to sit shotgun is exciting. But what real benefits does it have? Ample leg room, I suppose. But the middle of the back seat is where it's really at! Yes, it will be cramped back there. Being at the bottom of the ocean you'll be stuck between the ocean floor and tons of liquid pressure. But, there are so many advantages to being in the middle of the back seat. For instance, you have access to both of the pockets on the back of the two front seats, and there are all sorts of exciting treasures in those pockets. So kudos to you Russia. Way to go where no man had really considered going before.

Take A Chill Pill

A new birth control pill, called Lybrel, has been released that will not only eliminate the chance of having a baby, but will also make it so women don't have to go through their period. Some women are against this idea saying that it is unnatural. I think they are just PMSing about it and in a few days they will be a little easier to talk to.

Tuesday, July 31, 2007

That's Not Hot

Nicole Richie is in the news again. Not to be outdone by Paris Hilton, her BFS (Best Friend Sometimes), Nicole has been sentenced to four days in jail for driving under the influence of drugs. She also announced that she is four months pregnant, so she'll be serving time for two. In an interview with Diane Sawyer (who has apparently given up on that whole journalism thing and is auditioning for a spot at E!) Nicole said, "I have a responsibility and it's something that I did wrong, and if I could personally apologize to every single person that has lost a loved one from drunk driving I would. Unfortunately I can't." Wait a minute. What do you mean you can't? What else do you have to do? (Besides serve four piddly days in jail) Do you really have that busy of a schedule? I mean, I guess you are about to have a baby and you might want to go shopping for baby clothes, but I bet most of your current clothes will fit your newborn.  But I really think you should go door to door apologizing to ever single person that has lost a loved one from drunk driving. You could even make it into a reality show. Paris can go with you. You could call it "The Complicated Life." Paris could coin a new catch phrase and at the end of every session she could say, "That's sad." Think about it, Nicole. Or at least get someone to think about it for you.

Sitcoms, so easy a Caveman can...

As you've all probably heard, ABC is making a sitcom based on the Geico "Caveman" commercials. And I know, this topic has already been covered by thousands of bloggerists and pundits and George Lopez (get over it George, you didn't get canned because you are chicano. You got canned because you're show wasn't that funny. But I'm sure you can still get a hosting gig on Telemundo's "El Precio es Correcto!"), but I'm not the type of person who likes to jump on a topic when it's hot and...topical. The early bird gets the worm, unless those birds are drinking out of a tequila bottle and in that case the last bird gets the worm.

I for one am actually pretty excited about this show. Not necessarily because I think it is going to be that good, but because it is literally (and by literally I mean figuratively) opening up pandora's box to a whole world of new sitcoms based on TV commercials. I think if the Cavemen series does well, the next show to be created from a series of commericals will be a remake of the classic sitcom The Odd Couple starring Tony Randall and Jack Klugman, only this time it is starring Mac and PC. Each episode would start like this,
 "Hello, I'm a Mac." "And I'm a PC, and we share an apartment together, and man is it hilarious!" To make the show more current, Mac and PC will eventually fall in love, and the big cliffhanger at the end of the first season will be that they have decided to adopt a child! Will it be an iPod, or a Zune!?

Thursday, July 12, 2007


This is bad folks! Real bad. I just read today on that a pipeline in Mexico was attacked by a left-wing guerrilla group leaving several major factories shutdown for the time being. Some of the factories shutdown by this fiasco are Hershey's, Kellogg's, Honda, and Nissan. NO! These are some of our tastiest foods and the companies that are the best at delivering those tasty foods. This is mayhem! We are at risk of a major chocolate shortage! Run to your local grocer and stock up as soon as possible! Pretty soon the chocolate prices will be through the roof! And then there will be buying and selling of chocolate on the black market and people killing for Kellogg's!

That's the first problem. But we have another problem as well. How have guerrillas learned how to attack pipelines!? This is worse than when Raptors learned how to open doors. Also, how did they become left-wing guerrillas? Are these primates watching The Daily Show? Have they been listening to Al Franken and Michael Moore?

I'm scared America. I don't know about you, but I am going to the store right away and buying as much Hershey's and Kellogg's products as possible and then going home and guerrilla proofing my house. You should too!

Wednesday, June 13, 2007

Dear Michael Bay

Dear Michael Bay,

  First of all, I'd like to say that I am very excited for your latest film, Transfomers! I was a big fan of Transformers as a child. I know you are probably done filming and editing the movie, but I have a couple requests. First, I'd love to see a scene where one of the Transformers struggles to change from vehicle to robot. He gets almost all the way changed, and then gets stuck on one crucial piece. This is how it always went when I was playing with the toys, and I'd love for the movie to reflect that.

Second, I'd really like to see a scene where a human is sitting in a car, and is brutally killed when the Transformer changes from car to robot. The person would just be obliterated! That would be so gruesome! Maybe you could get Quentin Tarantino to guest direct that scene. Think about it.



Wednesday, June 06, 2007

The Bourne Iterations

This Summer Matt Damon will be hitting the theaters hard with The Bourne Ultimatum, the third in the Jason Bourne series. The first two were The Bourne Identity and The Bourne Supremacy. Damon has claimed that this will be his last Bourne movie, but the studios would like to turn it into a franchise like the Bond films, using other actors to play the title role. Well the people over at Universal Pictures can rest a little easier now, because I have come up with 7 great Jason Bourne movie ideas (that way there will be 10 total films). I assume my check is in the mail.

1. The Bourne Bjorn:
Jason Bourne finds out he has child and is forced to fight against his assassins with a baby strapped to his chest. In one scene he disguises the baby as a bomb and threatens his enemies by saying "I have an explosive!" In the next scene Bourne changes his baby's diaper and says "Man, I didn't realize you were that explosive." Huge laughs from the audience.
2. The Bourne Again Christian: Jason Bourne finds Jesus...and kills him.
3. The Bourne Identity Crisis: Jason Bourne thinks that before he lost his memory, he was destined to be a stand up comedian. After killing a heckler by strangling him with his microphone chord, he realizes he is an assassin after all.
4. The Bourne To Be Wild: Jason Bourne and some new found assassin friends go on a life changing road trip!
5. The Bourne Being Born: A prequel to all the Bourne movies, which shows Jason Bourne fighting his way out of his mother's womb.
6. The Bourne Illegitimacy: Jason Bourne finds out that he is an illegitimate child.
7. The Bourne Yesterday: After sustaining a brutal head wound, Jason Bourne is reduced to the mental equivalent of a 4 year old. Hilarity ensues.

Think With Your Headline

A headline on today reads "Plane Crash May Cost Transplant Patient His Life." Shouldn't that read, "Plane Crash DID Cost Pilot His Life" ?

Tuesday, June 05, 2007

Believe it to Beaver

An article in said quoted today, "During the first GOP presidential debate last month in California, three Republican candidates raised eyebrows by indicating they did not subscribe to Charles Darwin's theory of evolution, a widely accepted scientific concept about the origins of life." Here are 10 more things those republican candidates secretly (or not so secretly) don't believe in.

1. Gravity.
2. A woman's right to vote.
3. Democracy.
4. That every time a bell rings, an angel gets its wings.
5. Affirmative action.
6. If you hold your face like that for too long it will freeze that way.
7. Santa.
8. You must wait 1 full hour after eating before you go swimming.
9. Paying it forward.
10. Life after love.

Wednesday, May 30, 2007

Freed Willies

A headline on today read "Whales May Have Slipped Into Ocean Before Dawn." The story goes on to say that two whales that had gotten lost and ended up near the Golden Gate Bridge may have found their way back into the Ocean on Wednesday morning. Rescuers had planned on returning them to their rightful home, but when they showed up this morning the Whales were already gone. A search for them yeilded no results and it is believed they are back in the wild. But don't be surprised if next summer there is a Free Willy 4 in a theater near you.

Monday, May 28, 2007

10 Movies I Wish Hollywood Would Make

1. Hannibal Lectern: A movie about a podium that eats people as they try to give speeches.
2. Pulp Diction: A movie about two guys with really bad vocabularies.
3. Lamp Before Time: A movie about how fire was discovered by three young dinosaurs.
4. Rakes on a Plane: While walking through the aisle of a jetliner, Samuel L. Jackson continuously steps on rakes, causing them to hit him in the face over and over until he finally yells "I'm tired of all these Mother F#%*in' rakes on this Mother F#%*in' Plane!
5. Pirates of the Carabiner: Captain Jack Sparrow climbs the 7 Deadly Trees in search of gold.
6. Schindler's Lisp: A Nazi struggles with his inability to pronounce the word "execute."
7. So I Married an Axe: A complete shot by shot re-make of Mike Meyer's "So I Married an Axe Murderer" only this time his love interest is an axe.
8. 3 Men and a Kid: A re-make of the 3 Men and a Baby movie, only instead of a baby, it's a goat!
9. Mortal Wombat: Cute and cuddly little wombats destroy each other in a martial arts tournament to the death.
10. Jurassic Pork: The Pornographic prequel to Jurassic Park which explains how the dinosaurs were really created.

Wednesday, May 23, 2007

Are You Healthier Than a Fifth Grader?

So I'm strolling through grocery store, and by that I mean I was fighting traffic in an extremely aggravated manner and cussing out little stay at home moms as they amble down the aisles with no real sense of direction, and what do I find? Maybe the greatest food item endorsed by a redneck comedian ever! Jeff Foxworthy "Premium Quality" Beef Jerky. YESSSSSS!!!! A quote from Jeff says that this beef jerky is so good you'll want to eat it naked. I highly doubted that. Of all the foods in the world that I would consider it a faux pas to eat while naked, jerky really takes the cake. But once I got home and opened up a bag of Jeff's Jerky, oddly enough I found myself wanting to remove articles of clothing. Don't worry, I was able to maintain control. But damn, it is good. My Wife and I seriously considered going back to the grocery store, and filling a shopping cart with it, and then having a week's worth of meals that consisted solely of Jeff Foxworthy Beef Jerky and potato chips.

Another noteworthy item is the sticker that says "10% MORE." If you look closer it goes on to say "than 3.65 oz. size!" Well, it's a 4 oz. bag. So, I would sure hope that they'd give us 10% more when the bag is 10% bigger. But I guess that is pretty exciting.

Anyway, look for this at your local grocer. It should be right next to the Jeff Foxworthy Defibrillator. "So much voltage, you'll want to defibrillate yourself naked!"

Wednesday, May 16, 2007

Ode to the Helicopter Hangy Thingy

Okay, so officially they're called skids, but I want to pay tribute to those landing bars that are on the bottom of Helicopters that are always being hung onto by action heroes. Can you imagine what our world would be like if we didn't have those? Well, I guess first of all, there would be 100% more helicopter crashes because without those there is no way you can land a chopper safely. But besides that, just think of all the time a villain would have gotten away because the hero didn't have anything to grab onto and then climb up and kill the bad guys. Those hangy thingies are the unsung hero of the crime fighting world.

When I originally set out to write this post, I had grand visions of posting a bunch of pics from classic action flicks where a hero is hanging from the skid of a helicopter. But I spent approximately 3 hours scouring google images and could not find one satisfactory pic. This makes this famous helicopter part even more majestic. Now, like Unicorns, we know that they exist and that they are glorious, but we can't seem to proof of their existence. I mean, sure, I can find plenty of pictures of the actual part, just like I can find plenty of pictures of a real horse. But just try finding a picture of a person hanging from one. You'll find it just as impossible as finding a real picture of a horse with a single horn on its head. But yet, we know both of those things exist.


Sunday, May 13, 2007

if I say so

I've come to a realization that anytime I make a declaration that I'm going to do something, I don't do it. It's not that I am not trying to do it. I fully intend to do it. But invariably, something gets in my way. Case in point: I recently declared that I was going to take a hiatus from this blog. After a couple of weeks, I missed it so damn much that I started writing it again. So then I declared that I was going to start writing this blog regularly again. And's been 6 days since my last post. And let's face it, I was pretty much just phoning it in on those posts. At first I thought this was a horrible character flaw on my part. Look at me! I'm the guy who can't make good on any of his promises. But then I realized, even if I promised to be a slacker, I couldn't live "up" to that. So maybe my curse, is really my power. Maybe I can use this power for good. Maybe I can start declaring that I am NOT going to do certain things that I do want to do. For instance, I am not going to ever get my own comedy show on national TV. That's right! I said it people! NEVER! I will never do that! Also, I will never punch Dr. Phil in the throat (I would have gone for punching him in the balls, but there seems to be a layer of fat blocking access to his balls, and his throat is a much bigger target anyway). And, I am NEVER going to cheat on my wife...wait, I mean I WILL cheat on my wife!
Of course, now that I think about it, based on the theory that whatever I say will happen, the opposite happens, I guess this curse will no longer exist. Crap.

Monday, May 07, 2007

Just Nuke It!

In an article in scientists claim to have created a machine that can give you an 8 hour sleep in just 3 hours. Using a technique called Transcranial Magnetic Stimulation the scientists can induce slow waves like the ones your brain gives off when you are in your deepest sleep.

"The TMS device sends harmless magnetic signals through the scalp and skull and into the brain where it activates electrical impulses."
It's kind of like sticking a frozen pizza in the microwave and having a tasty treat in a matter of minutes. Only instead of a frozen pizza, it's your brain!

So is this a good idea? Or a bad idea? Let's weigh the pros and cons together.

Pro: No more sleepless nights.
Con: No more "sleepless night" excuses.

Pro: Great for making sure your buddy doesn't wake up before you finish drawing on his face.
Con: I'm usually that buddy.

Pro: More time to get stuff done.
Con: More time to feel bad about how much you haven't done.

Whenever technology like this is invented, I always like to figure out how it could be used to fight crime. For instance, if we could refine this technology and turn the TMS device into a ray gun, the police could knock out criminals in a safe manner. Or create a giant TMS turret gun that could be used for riot control. Of course, were these items to fall into the wrong hands, it could be devastating!


According to this article in the NY Times we will soon be able to download 3-D plans for different objects, and physically print them right in our own homes! So for example, if you lost the battery cover to your cell phone, boom! You can print a new one. Currently the going rate for one of these 3-D printers is about $15,000 but some companies hope to make them available for the low low price of $4,995 by the end of the year. And you know the price is only going to keep going down. I can't wait to get one of these bad boys. Here are first ten 3-D objects I would print.

1. Nunchucks: Duh!
2. Mustache: I would put myself in the printer like a piece of paper, and have the mustache printed right on me!
3. 2-D printer: I still don't have one of those.
4. Egg McMuffin: Mmmmmm...
5. iPhone: obviously.
6. Unicorn: They exist now!
7. Bottle of Mt. Dew: 3-D refreshment.
8. 3-D glasses: That way I can see everything I've printed.
9. Trash can: I have a feeling there's going to be a lot of mistakes.
10. Pirate Ship: The only way to travel.

Wednesday, May 02, 2007

Houston...We have a question.

An article on yesterday announced that NASA was dealing with a lot of uncomfortable questions. Among these questions were if they were one a 3 year mission to Mars and an astronaut died, should they dispose of the body, and if so, how? Another question they are tossing around in their think tanks is how should astronauts handle their sexual needs during an extended space mission? (Remember, things are messier in zero gravity)

Here are 10 more awkward questions I'd like to see NASA deal with:

1. After 2 years of space travel, is it okay to tell your co-astronaut that he has been saying your name wrong since you first launched?
2. What is the best way to tell a fellow astronaut that their breath stinks? Can you ask him to wear his mask the whole time?
3. In space, if you smelled it, did you dealt it?
4. Is it still okay to refer to black holes as "black"?
5. When getting back into the space ship after walking on the moon, do standard "shotgun" rules apply?
6. Is it okay to yell "fire!" in space? Because seriously, there can't be fire in space.
7. If it's okay to cheat on your girlfriend with another woman when you are in a different zip code, is it okay to cheat on your girlfriend with a dude when you are in a different orbit?
8. We can't torture people here on earth, but if we find aliens...c'mon, can we torture them a little?
9. Due to NASA's rigorous health standards for all its astronauts, including women, is it safe to say that NASA has a "No fat chicks!" policy?
10. If they watch "Apollo 13" during their flight, can that be logged as extra training?

Blogstache Day 9

My wife hates this experiment.

Monday, April 30, 2007

Blogstache Day 7

New beginnings

Sunday, April 29, 2007

BTE candidate

So...YESSSSSSSSS!!!!!!! This is definitely a candidate for Best Thing Ever. It's called "The Avenging Unicorn," and if you go to the website that is selling it you'll see that it comes with "4 magical horns and 3 figures to impale." In the picture the impaled figure of choice is a mime.

If I had to choose between the ability to grow a nunchucks mustache and being able to summon a beautiful white unicorn to come to my aid and impale whomever I wish, I'm not sure which one I'd go with!
The only thing better than a unicorn that impales people upon my command, is a unicorn with nunchucks instead of a horn, that chucks people to death upon my command.

Blogstache Day 6

I had to start over...

Saturday, April 28, 2007

Blogstache Day 5

I don't think I'll ever have a real mustache...

Friday, April 27, 2007

Blogstache Day 4

How many new hairs sprouted up today?

Thursday, April 26, 2007

The League!

Video Game Baseball season has just begun, and it's getting real! My friends and I play a video game called MVP '06 NCAA Baseball. We take it pretty seriously and we've decided to document our digital season and are even keeping stats. It's going to get pretty tense. Here are two profile videos for two of the players. Enjoy.

Blogstache Day 3

The saga continues...

Wednesday, April 25, 2007


I LOVE this picture. This is an ad that you will find at the Goodwill stores. In an age where everything gets spun by the media and perfectly sculpted models sell everything from toilet cleaners to hot pockets, it's nice to know that one company is still keepin' it real.

Blogstache Day 2

It is now Day 2 of my attempt to grow a mustache. Get the latest update on my progress here.

Tuesday, April 24, 2007

Hat Head

It must be cool to be able to wear a hat and not worry if it is going to mess up your hair. But I bet it sucks to be bald and always feel like you need to wear a hat.


I'm always talking about how I can't grow a mustache. Well now it's time for me to put my money where my upper lip is. Today I started a .mac blog called "Blogstache." It'll be a daily update of my attempt to grow a mustache. It's going to be a sad sad story.

Monday, April 23, 2007

You'll Go Blind

Great! Throughout my childhood I was told that if you stare at the sun you will go blind. And now, not only does NASA want me to stare at the sun, they want me to do it in 3D!!! According to, NASA has released a series of three-dimensional images of the sun that were taken by twin spacecraft.

But that's not all. NASA is also encouraging their astronauts to run on the moon while holding scissors, and to cross through an asteroid belt without looking both ways. Thanks NASA!

Saturday, April 21, 2007

What kind of Pirates ARRR you?

I just read on that Pyratecon, a weekend long Pirate convention, is headed down to New Orleans. This is pretty awesome. I love pirates. But the article goes on to say that part of the convention will include going to schools hit by Katrina to give aid. Excuse me? Look, I'm all for helping out the victims of Katrina. But if you are going to spend a weekend trying to be as piratey as possible, spreading good will and helping out others is not the way to do it. Pirates are all about plundering and pillaging and taking whatever they can get for themselves. "Take what you can. Give nothing back!" What's next? Is there going to be a NAMBLA convention where people dress up like pedophiles and then go spend a day volunteering at a Senior Citizen home? Or maybe a Hooker convention where they go to schools and teach abstinence. All I'm saying is comic book geeks don't go to comic book conventions to get laid, and pirate geeks shouldn't go to pirate conventions to give aid.

Friday, April 20, 2007

My Dreams Come True!

So I just saw this on In Chicago, they are planning on building a 2000 foot, 150 story, twisting skyscraper. It will be the tallest building in the US. But that's not the best part. Look at it! It's a big Unicorn horn! It's so beautiful! I am so jealous of the 1,200 residents that will get to live inside this magical creation! I can only imagine how glorious the inside of this building will be!

10 Best Things About Living in a Unicorn Horn
Terrorists can't destroy this building because Unicorn horns are impervious to evil.
2. None of the residents will ever have a need for viagra.
3. You never have to tell people your address. You can just say, I live at the Unicorn horn and they know exactly what you mean.
4. You can finally put up all those paintings of unicorns without it seeming gay.
5. Free pot of gold at the end of every hallway.
6. When you go into the basement, you are in the Unicorn's brain!
7. You don't have to worry about water building up on the roof of the building.
8. Every time a doorbell rings, a Unicorn gets its horn.
9. Every wish you make comes true.
10. You're in a friggin' Unicorn horn! What more do you need!?

Thursday, April 19, 2007

Colored Couch reported this headline today: Chinese Translation Error Blamed For Slur on Sofa Label. A couch that was being delivered to a black family raised quite a stir when the 7-year-old daughter saw that it was labeled "Nigger Brown." The mother complained to the furniture store who blamed the supplier. The supplier pointed out that the mistake was a result of an old Chinese translation software that translates the Chinese symbols for "dark brown" into this more offensive English translation. The supplier explained, "We're not racist. We just have a chink in our system. I'm sorry, I mean kink in our system."

Don't let me die!

So I just found an awesome website called It's produced by Will Ferrell and his peeps and basically it is a host site for funny videos. At the end of each video you can vote either "funny" or "die." If you do really well then Will Ferrell comes to your house and kisses you on the lips (that's an assumption, but I think it's a safe one to make.) If enough people vote for your video to die, it goes to the crypt. I've posted some videos up on the site. Some you have seen here. Please click on the links below and if you think they are funny vote for them by clicking on "funny" in the video player. If you don't think they are funny...simply walk away. Thanks! And make sure you go to the site!

Splash Mountain


Get Rhythm

Figures of Action

If I had Nunchucks

Telling Jokes

Reese's Quail Cups


In the blog forums at I posted a challenge to other would be funny bloggers to see if they thought their blog was funnier than mine. For several days everyone cowered behind their keyboards, but finally one brave soul has stepped forward to put me in my place. He goes by BP Perry and his blog is Now, if you are reading my blog, chances are you are biased. But go check his blog out. Read a lot of his entries. And then let us know what you think. You can email me at to tell me who's blog is funnier. I won't be hurt if you say he is funnier, I'll just be inspired to work harder (but don't just say that so that I work harder).

"Please, Play Hard To Get"

I caught this headline on today: Antwerp Zoo asks visitors not to stare at the chimps

One chimp in particular, named Cheetah, was raised by humans but is now integrating into the ape society and the zoo officials fear too much human bonding will delay the chimp's progress.

I've always had a problem with zoos because they are not interactive enough. Why the hell can't I jump in the lion's den and reenact my favorite story from the Bible? Why isn't there a set of vines over the alligator pit so that I can swing across like Tarzan? And if I provide my own mice, why can't I feed the boa constrictor? What good is it to have all these animals trapped in cages if we can't play with them? All we can do is look! But now we can't even do that.

The Antwerp Zoo, in Belgium, has placed a sign outside the chimp exhibit that asks visitors not to stare at the chimps. Their new motto should be, "Nature, Get a Glimpse!" What the sign actually says is, "Look away when the animal seeks to make contact with you." Does that sound familiar to anyone else? Reminds me of third grade. Little Sally Hunter would never look at me. When I wasn't facing her, I could tell she was watching me. But every time I turned around, she looked away! All I wanted was to make eye contact! But she wouldn't. So I pulled her ponytail. Of course, a chimp can't pull our ponytails. So instead, he throws poop at the glass. Pretty much the same thing.

But what if this doesn't work? What if we simply refusing to stare at the chimp doesn't deter it from bonding with humans? What's next? Maybe they'll post a sign that says, "Please piss off the chimp."

Wednesday, April 18, 2007


I feel like such a fool for not thinking of this earlier, but this is quite possibly the Best Thing Ever! Mustchucks! How powerful would I be if I could grow nunchucks right on my face! Watch out evil-doers! Puberty has hit, and it hits hard!

Tuesday, April 17, 2007

Global Warming: Another Perspective

While scientists continue to pour on irrefutable evidence that Global Warming is indeed a reality and something that we as a society need to fix, Politicians and Religious leaders just don't want to give in. For every logical and rational argument that science puts out there, politics lashes back with a crazy and unfounded counter-point. But the facts are adding up and the politicians are running out of crappy excuses for the sudden rise in temperature. So I came up with a new one, that just might work.

Consider this: Perhaps Mother Earth is simply having hot flashes. Put into the perspective of the timeline of the entire Universe, Mother Earth is at about that age where she should be experiencing Menopause. Her bodies of water are going through some changes, but this is totally normal. Lots of women go through this natural change everyday. And Nature is prepared for this shift. In fact, this isn't the first time Mother Earth has experienced this sort of thing. Think back to when the ice ages ended and the polar caps all melted and flooded the Earth. That was Mother Earth getting her first period.

This excuse will work like a charm. Anytime a guy hears that a girl is going through her "lady times," he shuts up right away. No questions asked. In fact, most guys have no idea what "lady times" really entail, and are willing to assume anything that happens during those times is perfectly normal.

The problem with the politicians' current tactic is that they are using arguments that the scientists are comfortable talking about. But nothing makes a nerd more uncomfortable than a hot girl. And that's exactly what Mother Earth is right now.

White Men Can Edit

These are my buds, Joe and Oyl. They can ball. And even more so they can edit. Check out their video HERE.

Sunday, April 15, 2007

Celebrity Name Game

I came up with a new game that I will simply call the Celebrity Name Game. The rules of the game are simple. I come up with funny combination of a word or phrase, and a celebrity name. They are fun to say out loud, although sometimes they are a bit difficult to pronounce correctly. An example is Egregious Philbin. If he hosted a game show it'd be called "Who Wants To Be A FUCKING Millionaire!"

Here are a bunch of Celebrity Name/Word combinations I came up with while sitting in church. Feel free to leave a comment with your own entries.

Fauxprah - She tells you there's a key to a brand new car under your seat, but there's no key there.
Inflammatori Amos - Trying to relaunch her career, Tori Amos takes on the hip hop scene.
Stay-Puff Daddy - "Don't touch my fuckin' belly."
Paula Abdula-Oblongata - If you don't get this one, watch Adam Sandler's Waterboy.
Condo-Leeza Rice - Tall and elegant, but you don't want to know what goes on in the boiler room.
Madonnatello - A Ninja Turtle that wears a purple cone bra.
Dr. Philabuster - This is actually an accurate representation of Dr. Phil.
Shish-Kabob Hope - This is what happened the last time he was roasted at the Friar's Club.
Tony Infludanza - This is what everybody caught when "Who's the Boss" was on, and what everyone was immune to when Tony Danza got his own talk show.
LeBrawny James - The quicker National Championship picker upper.
Quentin Tarantina Turner - He keeps hitting himself and then going back for more. And of course a ton of blood spurts out.
Fallic Baldwin - Alec is the tip, and Stephen and William are the balls.
Stephen Speilburglar - After not getting the Oscar this year, he turned to a life of crime.
Maitre' Dionne Warrick - She'll take your reservation and sing you a song while you wait.
Astrologena Davis - She used to be a star, now she just studies them.
Danish Cook - This pastry is hilarious!
LL Cool Whip - Grab a ho and apply generously.
Rubix Cuba Gooding Jr. - As soon as you solve it, you'll want to give a tear-filled acceptance speech.
Anthony Michael Halter Top - Totally fashionable in the 80's. Not so much now.
Chocolate Eclaire Danes - mmmmmmm......
Jeep Cherokeifer Sutherland - The deadliest vehicle on the road.

Wednesday, April 11, 2007

Lesser of Two Evils #2

Hey, remember "Lesser of Two Evils #1"? Remember how I called it a series, implying that there'd me more? Well here it is! This second edition of "Lesser of Two Evils" is written in the form of a conversation. It's actually going to be part of a 2 man comedy show I am producing called Nate and Nathan. The other guy in the show is named Nathan. Get it? Enjoy!

Okay, Nate. I've got a Lesser of 2 Evils challenge for you.

Okay, I'm game. Bring it.

Would you rather sharpen your penis with a pencil sharpener, or drop an atomic bomb on the Special Olympics?

Well, first of all, is it an electric pencil sharpener?

No, it's an old school style sharpener, and you have to crank it yourself.

Well the worst part about that is when I have to adjust the size down. And the other option is dropping an atomic bomb on the Special Olympics?


What do you have against the Special Olympics?

Nothing. I'm not going to drop the bomb. You are.

No I'm not.

So you'd rather have your #2 pencil sharpened to a nub?

I'd have to sharpen it all the way down to a nub?

Yeah, like when you were in school and you would sharpen your pencil so much that you could barely hold it.

That might not take too long. But still, that'd be pretty painful.

And the process would probably be irreversible. I don't think they can sew dick shavings back on.

Nate these Special Olympics, are they the summer or winter Special Olympics?

I think there's just the one. But I can't believe you would bomb a bunch of running retards.

Well Ashley and I want to have kids some day! And you really shouldn't use that word. It's offensive.

Hey, you're the one that is bombing them.

But you made me do it!

I didn't make you do anything. I gave you two choices. And apparently you can't help but think with your penis.

Ashley wants to have a baby!

Well, I hope your baby ends up being...special.

That is not nice.

Man, you really hate retards.

Stop calling them that!

Oh, and think about this. When you do bomb the Special Olympics, not only will you be killing thousands of innocent mentally challenged children, you'll be killing the most capable ones this planet has to offer.

Then who would serve us our McDonald's breakfast? I can't live without my Egg McMuffin. I choose the penis sharpener.

Blog Directory

Sunday, April 08, 2007


Okay, I have to admit, I'm a little bit hung up on nunchucks right now. I think the best thing to do is to just get them out of my system. But you have to ask yourself, "What Would Jesus Chuck?"
Best Items to Turn into Nunchucks
1. Gunchucks: Good for close range and long range attacks.
2. Nun-Chucks: Actual nuns. To be used by Giants.
3. Stunchucks: Two tazers flying around can be pretty lethal. Just don't catch the wrong end.
4. Raptorchucks: Another weapon that only giants would be able to use, but man, they would be a clever girl.
5. Dungchucks: The only thing worse than getting hit by a nunchuck, is getting hit by a poopy nunchuck. "Ow that hurt! And I have poop on me!"
6. Chuck Norris' Legs-chucks: Chuck Norris' legs each have their own license to kill. If/when he dies, I hope he'll donate his body to crime fighting.
7. Handcuffchucks: If you are really strong, you can use these to grab one opponent, and then swing him around as your weapon.
8. Puppychucks: "Hey, look how cute those little puppies are-OH MY GOD THEY'RE FLYING RIGHT AT ME!"
9. Banana Cream Piechucks: The weapon of clowns.
10. Lightning Boltchucks: The weapon of gods.

Worst Items to Turn into Nunchucks
1. Hot Dog Bunchucks: These probably wouldn't last more than one hit and unfortunately they come 12 to a package while bad guys only come 8 to a package.
2. Starchucks: Two Frappuccinos chained to each other. You'll probably just end up scalding yourself.
3. Upchucks: I have a pretty weak stomach. If my nunchucks were covered in throw up, I'd be hurling all over the place. Actually, that might be pretty effective.
4. Vibratorchucks: It's not good when your weapon does more pleasure than pain. (These are also sometimes referred to as nunfucks.)
5. Pillowchucks: Only useful if you are at a cheerleader slumber party.

Blog Directory

Friday, April 06, 2007

Disney: The Gayest Place on Earth

That's what it means, right? Gay means happy. Look it up. And now if you're gay and want to have the happiest wedding on Earth, Mickey Mouse says, "Oh boy!" Disney has officially announced that wedding ceremonies in front of Cinderella's Castle are now open to same-sex couples, granted they have a valid marriage license. Disney has finally put the fairy back in fairy tale.

And I say good for them! Finally all the closeted gay Disney characters can come out. For example: The Seven Dwarves. Only one of them wasn't gay and that was Grumpy, which explains why he was always so grumpy. He was the only one not getting any action. How about that Candlestick from Beauty and the Beast? He is literally flaming, and you know he fantasizes about having Jack be nimble but maybe not so quick. And of course there is Baloo, a large male "bear" who is constantly hanging out with a boy in his underwear.

And now these characters can finally embrace their true colors...which is a rainbow.

Yo Yo Yo

Dear Rappers,
I am writing to you because I need some help in trend setting and you guys are clearly at the top of the trend setting game. Okay, here's what I want. I want you to start using nunchucks in your rap videos instead of guns. Nunchucks are so much cooler than guns, and the world needs to see that. You guys are the best way to bring nunchucks to the pop-culture forefront. Rappers are always making stupid things seem cool. Like Nelly wearing a band-aid for no reason. Or Snoop Dog saying phrases like "What's crack-a-lackin'?" Or pot.

But nunchucks aren't stupid! They're already really cool. So it would be even easier to convince other people that they should be carrying nunchucks around all the time. All you have to do is get some black people to start doing it, and then all the white people will copy it.

Just imagine Chingy slingin' rhymes while at the same time slingin' the 'chucks. That would make an amazing rap video. And every rapper could have his own nunchuck style. For instance, Busta would be 'chuckin' fast and furious. At the same time, Snoop Dog would barely be swinging his and would occasionally slap it against the chin of a bitch and/or ho.

And rapping about nunchucks would make for some great rhymes. Fill in this blank: "I be 'chuckin' while I be _____." I think you know what goes in that blank. The 'chucks could also create a whole slew of cool new slang terms. For instance, WTC? (What the Chuck?)

And, nunchucks are totally customizable! You can put all sorts of bling on your 'chucks. They could be covered in diamonds (I think you call that "ice"), or silver, or pure gold. You could also connect two microphones. The Three 6 Mafia could turn their Oscars in Oscarchucks! Or, if you really can't give up the idea of being "strapped" or carrying "heat," you could use a chain to connect two guns and create Gunchucks!

Look guys, it would be totally easy to get this trend started. Another great way to spread the word about nunchucks is to carry some with you into a night club. Just stick them in your pants so that they are slightly visible. The camera phones will be clickin' like crazy. "Did you see that? P Diddy is a chucker!"

Now, I know that nunchucks and rap have a bit of sordid past. The last time they were uttered in the same phrase was during the 2nd Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles movie in the Vanilla Ice Ninja Rap scene. Let's not let this hold us back. It's time to move forward. It's time to get 'chuckin'. Do you feel me?

White Guy

Thursday, April 05, 2007

Rice is Nice

Spud Oregon, a rad blogger who reviews other sites, just wrote a very nice review about me. Go check out his blog at He's a real swell guy!

Wednesday, April 04, 2007

2nd Fife

Headline from Virtual Feds Visit Second Life Casinos. Apparently the creators of the online game had a major virtual reality check when they realized they might be legally responsible any illegal gambling going on in their faux world. So they actually asked the Feds to investigate the casinos, where their currency of lindens are exchanged for real world dollars, in order to determine what, if any, actions need to be taken. The legality of it all isn't that interesting to me. What is interesting is the idea of FBI agents signing on to this crazy game, creating virtual identities, and walking around the world of 2nd Life in order to investigate. So many questions arise! What will they make their characters look like? Will they give themselves the chiseled physique the Bureau demands they attain? Or will they stay true to the chubby physique the Bureau has allowed them to retain? Will they don official FBI duds? Or will they get to live out their fantasies of wearing a bad ass leather jacket and carrying a shotgun strapped to their back (while secretly wearing ladies underwear underneath)?

I, by the way, have dabbled in 2nd Life.
Here is the character I created for myself.
Check out that mustache! That's a Luigi special!

So what's next? Are the Feds going to cut down on illegal betting going on at the Mario Kart Speedways? You know Wario and Donkey Kong are totally placing bets on the side. Or maybe the UN will start looking into the interrogation techniques of Halo squadrons. And don't even get me started on Grand Theft Auto.

I for one am very excited with this new development. We can expect a myriad of new TV shows!

CSI: World of Warcraft - "Get this Orc DNA to the lab right away. It's going to take a real wizard to solve this crime."
"Well you're in luck, because I am a wizard."
Law and Order: CSVU (Cyber Sexual Victims Unit) - "According to your profile you're an 18 year old cheerleader. But we both know that's not true, is it Mr. Jenkins?"
And of course there will be ESPN: Fantasy Sports Center.

Tuesday, April 03, 2007

Yeehaw Allah

Have you ever noticed that Rednecks and Iraqis, two groups that are complete opposites of each other, celebrate in the exact same way?

Punk'd 2.0

Rumor has it that Ashton Kutcher, creator of the show Punk'd, is going to start a new show that is similar to Punk'd, but all of the pranks will involve him making the celebrities touch his balls. The show will be called Junk'd.


Nate is a Blog has found a new home at where Nate promises to give you all of the same great content of this site, but just a whole lot more of it. Check it out!