Wednesday, June 13, 2007

Dear Michael Bay

Dear Michael Bay,

  First of all, I'd like to say that I am very excited for your latest film, Transfomers! I was a big fan of Transformers as a child. I know you are probably done filming and editing the movie, but I have a couple requests. First, I'd love to see a scene where one of the Transformers struggles to change from vehicle to robot. He gets almost all the way changed, and then gets stuck on one crucial piece. This is how it always went when I was playing with the toys, and I'd love for the movie to reflect that.

Second, I'd really like to see a scene where a human is sitting in a car, and is brutally killed when the Transformer changes from car to robot. The person would just be obliterated! That would be so gruesome! Maybe you could get Quentin Tarantino to guest direct that scene. Think about it.



Wednesday, June 06, 2007

The Bourne Iterations

This Summer Matt Damon will be hitting the theaters hard with The Bourne Ultimatum, the third in the Jason Bourne series. The first two were The Bourne Identity and The Bourne Supremacy. Damon has claimed that this will be his last Bourne movie, but the studios would like to turn it into a franchise like the Bond films, using other actors to play the title role. Well the people over at Universal Pictures can rest a little easier now, because I have come up with 7 great Jason Bourne movie ideas (that way there will be 10 total films). I assume my check is in the mail.

1. The Bourne Bjorn:
Jason Bourne finds out he has child and is forced to fight against his assassins with a baby strapped to his chest. In one scene he disguises the baby as a bomb and threatens his enemies by saying "I have an explosive!" In the next scene Bourne changes his baby's diaper and says "Man, I didn't realize you were that explosive." Huge laughs from the audience.
2. The Bourne Again Christian: Jason Bourne finds Jesus...and kills him.
3. The Bourne Identity Crisis: Jason Bourne thinks that before he lost his memory, he was destined to be a stand up comedian. After killing a heckler by strangling him with his microphone chord, he realizes he is an assassin after all.
4. The Bourne To Be Wild: Jason Bourne and some new found assassin friends go on a life changing road trip!
5. The Bourne Being Born: A prequel to all the Bourne movies, which shows Jason Bourne fighting his way out of his mother's womb.
6. The Bourne Illegitimacy: Jason Bourne finds out that he is an illegitimate child.
7. The Bourne Yesterday: After sustaining a brutal head wound, Jason Bourne is reduced to the mental equivalent of a 4 year old. Hilarity ensues.

Think With Your Headline

A headline on today reads "Plane Crash May Cost Transplant Patient His Life." Shouldn't that read, "Plane Crash DID Cost Pilot His Life" ?

Tuesday, June 05, 2007

Believe it to Beaver

An article in said quoted today, "During the first GOP presidential debate last month in California, three Republican candidates raised eyebrows by indicating they did not subscribe to Charles Darwin's theory of evolution, a widely accepted scientific concept about the origins of life." Here are 10 more things those republican candidates secretly (or not so secretly) don't believe in.

1. Gravity.
2. A woman's right to vote.
3. Democracy.
4. That every time a bell rings, an angel gets its wings.
5. Affirmative action.
6. If you hold your face like that for too long it will freeze that way.
7. Santa.
8. You must wait 1 full hour after eating before you go swimming.
9. Paying it forward.
10. Life after love.


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