Beef of Fish 2: Revenge of the Comments

Several people have commented that they felt the Beef of Fish? should have addressed what kind of beef Fish have, as opposed to which fish is the beef of the fish world. Since Nate is a Blog is a democracy (when I feel like it) I have decided to comply with your wishes. So here is "Beef of Fish?" for the people, by Nate Smith.

Beef of Fish?

Many people would like to believe that Fish live a stress free life under the sea, swimming around happily all day long without a worry in the world. This simply is not true. Fish are acutally very angst filled creatures. Don't let Disney fool you with its fairy tale version of life under the sea, where everything's better, down where it's wetter, take it from me. The water world is a very annoying place to be, and Fish have a lot of pet peeves. But what is the biggest Beef of Fish? Dolphins!

Fish and Dolphins have been at odds for centuries. First there was the common misconception among man that Dolphins were Fish. This really annoyed the Fish. Dolphins are not Fish, they are aquatic mammals. Basically, they are spies from the land. It's like the mammals said, "Hey, what the heck do you think those fish are doing? I don't trust them. Somebody should dress up like them and go keep tabs on them." And so Dolphins became the CIA of the mammal world. And that is pretty fitting because Dolphins are really really intelligent. So smart in fact, that men decided there is no way they could be Fish. Fish are way too dumb. These Dolphins must be some sort of different kind of animal. This pissed the Fish off even more. And of course there was Flipper, the so called "King of the Sea." What a pompous ass! And then as if that weren't enough, the Dolphins started sucking up to humans. Everyone knows that when humans come under water and try to swim with the Fish, it is a rule that the Fish have to scatter as quickly as possible making it very difficult to get good pictures. But do Dolphins do this? No! Dolphins swim WITH the humans. They let the humans touch them and hold onto them. And they swim next to their boats doing all sorts of tricks. Mammal tricks. And now other Fish are starting to follow the Dolphin example and swim with humans instead of scattering. People are starting to think that Fish are easy to find and that just anyone can swim with them. That's why the Fish had to make an example of somebody, and show the world that Fish are not just an underwater tourist attraction. So the Fish got together and chose a sacrifice. Steve Erwin. But don't blame the Fish for that. They didn't want to do it. The Dolphins pushed them to it. You did this Dolphins! Steve Erwin's death is on your bottle nosed head!

Beef of Fish?

I was recently filling out a questionnaire and the essay prompt was "Beef of fish?" I think they meant "Beef or Fish?" But I took their question quite literally, and here is my answer.

"Beef of fish?"
What is the beef of fish? There are many different kinds of fish and other water dwelling creatures, but which one deserves the title "Beef of fish?" One might foolishly jump to the conclusion that the Manatee must be the beef of fish. After all, it is known as the Sea Cow. But first of all, the Manatee is not actually a fish, it is a mammal. So it is immediately disqualified. Besides, it takes a lot more than just being called a cow to be the beef of something. Cows are the beef of mammals, but if it weren't for the fact that they render a meat that is so tasty, as well as versatile in its culinary uses, we would strip that title from them and give it to Chicken.

So what fish deserves this audacious title? The Tuna Fish has certainly made a name for itself as being a versatile food item available in a vast array of entrees and dishes. Unfortunately, that name is "Chicken of the Sea," which is a close second to "Beef of fish." Halibut is definitely a tasty fish enjoyed by many, but there are not too many different ways one can serve Halibut. So it too does not qualify. But then there is Salmon. Now Salmon is a tasty treat that comes in a variety of forms. You can get it sliced up and cooked right in front of you at Benihanas, you can get it in hot dog form at Safeway, you can have a nice salmonwich, and I've even had Salmon Jerky. Therefore, I nominate Salmon as the "Beef of fish."