10 Machines I'd like to see as Transfomers in Transformers 2

Michael Bay and his goons are already hard at work on the sequel to the first Transformers movie. The first one was great because we got to see all the characters we had grown to love as children. But for this go around, I'd like to see some new characters emerge.

10 Machines I'd like to see as Transformers in the Sequel

1. Short Bus: An Autobot named Helmet.
2. Wrecking Ball Crane: This could be Optimus Prime's wife which he would refer to as his ol' Ball & Chain.
3. Claw Vending Machine AKA the Crane Game at Wal-Mart: This Autobot would have all sorts of useful weapons inside of him, but in order to get them out, the other Autobots have to play him.
4. Blackberry: This Decepticon would be the first legitimate iPhone killer.
5. Nintendo Wii Fit: This Decepticon would take the "slowly but surely" route to killing humans by tricking children into thinking they are working out until eventually all humans are fat blobs and we have no chance to defend ourselves.
6. Treadmill: I'm pretty sure treadmills already are evil robots set out to destroy us. See this video for proof.
7. Battery Charger: This would be another Decepticon that would trick you into thinking it is charging your precious batteries, and then when you need battery power the most, you've been Decepticonned!
8. Transformer (as in the power generator): "Transformer! More than meets the name!"
9. Stupid Japanese Trumpet Playing Robot: "Oh, that robot is useless...it's just playing the trumpet. It's not even actually playing the trumpet. It's just holding a trumpet to its face and emitting trumpet sounds from its speakers. Big deal....WAIT! IT TURNED INTO A BIGGER SCARIER ROBOT! OH GOD! IT'S KILLING EVERYONE!"
10. Al Gore: He is a robot...right?

The Bourne Iterations

This Summer Matt Damon will be hitting the theaters hard with The Bourne Ultimatum, the third in the Jason Bourne series. The first two were The Bourne Identity and The Bourne Supremacy. Damon has claimed that this will be his last Bourne movie, but the studios would like to turn it into a franchise like the Bond films, using other actors to play the title role. Well the people over at Universal Pictures can rest a little easier now, because I have come up with 7 great Jason Bourne movie ideas (that way there will be 10 total films). I assume my check is in the mail.


1. The Bourne Bjorn: Jason Bourne finds out he has child and is forced to fight against his assassins with a baby strapped to his chest. In one scene he disguises the baby as a bomb and threatens his enemies by saying "I have an explosive!" In the next scene Bourne changes his baby's diaper and says "Man, I didn't realize you were that explosive." Huge laughs from the audience.
2. The Bourne Again Christian: Jason Bourne finds Jesus...and kills him.
3. The Bourne Identity Crisis: Jason Bourne thinks that before he lost his memory, he was destined to be a stand up comedian. After killing a heckler by strangling him with his microphone chord, he realizes he is an assassin after all.
4. The Bourne To Be Wild: Jason Bourne and some new found assassin friends go on a life changing road trip!
5. The Bourne Being Born: A prequel to all the Bourne movies, which shows Jason Bourne fighting his way out of his mother's womb.
6. The Bourne Illegitimacy: Jason Bourne finds out that he is an illegitimate child.
7. The Bourne Yesterday: After sustaining a brutal head wound, Jason Bourne is reduced to the mental equivalent of a 4 year old. Hilarity ensues.

Think With Your Headline

A headline on CNN.com today reads "Plane Crash May Cost Transplant Patient His Life." Shouldn't that read, "Plane Crash DID Cost Pilot His Life" ?

Believe it to Beaver

An article in CNN.com said quoted today, "During the first GOP presidential debate last month in California, three Republican candidates raised eyebrows by indicating they did not subscribe to Charles Darwin's theory of evolution, a widely accepted scientific concept about the origins of life." Here are 10 more things those republican candidates secretly (or not so secretly) don't believe in.

1. Gravity.
2. A woman's right to vote.
3. Democracy.
4. That every time a bell rings, an angel gets its wings.
5. Affirmative action.
6. If you hold your face like that for too long it will freeze that way.
7. Santa.
8. You must wait 1 full hour after eating before you go swimming.
9. Paying it forward.
10. Life after love.

Freed Willies

A headline on CNN.com today read "Whales May Have Slipped Into Ocean Before Dawn." The story goes on to say that two whales that had gotten lost and ended up near the Golden Gate Bridge may have found their way back into the Ocean on Wednesday morning. Rescuers had planned on returning them to their rightful home, but when they showed up this morning the Whales were already gone. A search for them yeilded no results and it is believed they are back in the wild. But don't be surprised if next summer there is a Free Willy 4 in a theater near you.

10 Movies I Wish Hollywood Would Make

1. Hannibal Lectern: A movie about a podium that eats people as they try to give speeches.
2. Pulp Diction: A movie about two guys with really bad vocabularies.
3. Lamp Before Time: A movie about how fire was discovered by three young dinosaurs.
4. Rakes on a Plane: While walking through the aisle of a jetliner, Samuel L. Jackson continuously steps on rakes, causing them to hit him in the face over and over until he finally yells "I'm tired of all these Mother F#%*in' rakes on this Mother F#%*in' Plane!
5. Pirates of the Carabiner: Captain Jack Sparrow climbs the 7 Deadly Trees in search of gold.
6. Schindler's Lisp: A Nazi struggles with his inability to pronounce the word "execute."
7. So I Married an Axe: A complete shot by shot re-make of Mike Meyer's "So I Married an Axe Murderer" only this time his love interest is an axe.
8. 3 Men and a Kid: A re-make of the 3 Men and a Baby movie, only instead of a baby, it's a goat!
9. Mortal Wombat: Cute and cuddly little wombats destroy each other in a martial arts tournament to the death.
10. Jurassic Pork: The Pornographic prequel to Jurassic Park which explains how the dinosaurs were really created.

Are You Healthier Than a Fifth Grader?

So I'm strolling through grocery store, and by that I mean I was fighting traffic in an extremely aggravated manner and cussing out little stay at home moms as they amble down the aisles with no real sense of direction, and what do I find? Maybe the greatest food item endorsed by a redneck comedian ever! Jeff Foxworthy "Premium Quality" Beef Jerky. YESSSSSS!!!! A quote from Jeff says that this beef jerky is so good you'll want to eat it naked. I highly doubted that. Of all the foods in the world that I would consider it a faux pas to eat while naked, jerky really takes the cake. But once I got home and opened up a bag of Jeff's Jerky, oddly enough I found myself wanting to remove articles of clothing. Don't worry, I was able to maintain control. But damn, it is good. My Wife and I seriously considered going back to the grocery store, and filling a shopping cart with it, and then having a week's worth of meals that consisted solely of Jeff Foxworthy Beef Jerky and potato chips.

Another noteworthy item is the sticker that says "10% MORE." If you look closer it goes on to say "than 3.65 oz. size!" Well, it's a 4 oz. bag. So, I would sure hope that they'd give us 10% more when the bag is 10% bigger. But I guess that is pretty exciting.

Anyway, look for this at your local grocer. It should be right next to the Jeff Foxworthy Defibrillator. "So much voltage, you'll want to defibrillate yourself naked!"

if I say so

I've come to a realization that anytime I make a declaration that I'm going to do something, I don't do it. It's not that I am not trying to do it. I fully intend to do it. But invariably, something gets in my way. Case in point: I recently declared that I was going to take a hiatus from this blog. After a couple of weeks, I missed it so damn much that I started writing it again. So then I declared that I was going to start writing this blog regularly again. And now...it's been 6 days since my last post. And let's face it, I was pretty much just phoning it in on those posts. At first I thought this was a horrible character flaw on my part. Look at me! I'm the guy who can't make good on any of his promises. But then I realized, even if I promised to be a slacker, I couldn't live "up" to that. So maybe my curse, is really my power. Maybe I can use this power for good. Maybe I can start declaring that I am NOT going to do certain things that I do want to do. For instance, I am not going to ever get my own comedy show on national TV. That's right! I said it people! NEVER! I will never do that! Also, I will never punch Dr. Phil in the throat (I would have gone for punching him in the balls, but there seems to be a layer of fat blocking access to his balls, and his throat is a much bigger target anyway). And, I am NEVER going to cheat on my wife...wait, I mean I WILL cheat on my wife!
Of course, now that I think about it, based on the theory that whatever I say will happen, the opposite happens, I guess this curse will no longer exist. Crap.

Just Nuke It!

In an article in news.sky.com scientists claim to have created a machine that can give you an 8 hour sleep in just 3 hours. Using a technique called Transcranial Magnetic Stimulation the scientists can induce slow waves like the ones your brain gives off when you are in your deepest sleep.

"The TMS device sends harmless magnetic signals through the scalp and skull and into the brain where it activates electrical impulses."

It's kind of like sticking a frozen pizza in the microwave and having a tasty treat in a matter of minutes. Only instead of a frozen pizza, it's your brain!

So is this a good idea? Or a bad idea? Let's weigh the pros and cons together.

Pro: No more sleepless nights.
Con: No more "sleepless night" excuses.

Pro: Great for making sure your buddy doesn't wake up before you finish drawing on his face.
Con: I'm usually that buddy.

Pro: More time to get stuff done.
Con: More time to feel bad about how much you haven't done.

Whenever technology like this is invented, I always like to figure out how it could be used to fight crime. For instance, if we could refine this technology and turn the TMS device into a ray gun, the police could knock out criminals in a safe manner. Or create a giant TMS turret gun that could be used for riot control. Of course, were these items to fall into the wrong hands, it could be devastating!

3-Duh

According to this article in the NY Times we will soon be able to download 3-D plans for different objects, and physically print them right in our own homes! So for example, if you lost the battery cover to your cell phone, boom! You can print a new one. Currently the going rate for one of these 3-D printers is about $15,000 but some companies hope to make them available for the low low price of $4,995 by the end of the year. And you know the price is only going to keep going down. I can't wait to get one of these bad boys. Here are first ten 3-D objects I would print.

1. Nunchucks: Duh!
2. Mustache: I would put myself in the printer like a piece of paper, and have the mustache printed right on me!
3. 2-D printer: I still don't have one of those.
4. Egg McMuffin: Mmmmmm...
5. iPhone: obviously.
6. Unicorn: They exist now!
7. Bottle of Mt. Dew: 3-D refreshment.
8. 3-D glasses: That way I can see everything I've printed.
9. Trash can: I have a feeling there's going to be a lot of mistakes.
10. Pirate Ship: The only way to travel.

Houston...We have a question.

An article on CNN.com yesterday announced that NASA was dealing with a lot of uncomfortable questions. Among these questions were if they were one a 3 year mission to Mars and an astronaut died, should they dispose of the body, and if so, how? Another question they are tossing around in their think tanks is how should astronauts handle their sexual needs during an extended space mission? (Remember, things are messier in zero gravity)


Here are 10 more awkward questions I'd like to see NASA deal with:

1. After 2 years of space travel, is it okay to tell your co-astronaut that he has been saying your name wrong since you first launched?
2. What is the best way to tell a fellow astronaut that their breath stinks? Can you ask him to wear his mask the whole time?
3. In space, if you smelled it, did you dealt it?
4. Is it still okay to refer to black holes as "black"?
5. When getting back into the space ship after walking on the moon, do standard "shotgun" rules apply?
6. Is it okay to yell "fire!" in space? Because seriously, there can't be fire in space.
7. If it's okay to cheat on your girlfriend with another woman when you are in a different zip code, is it okay to cheat on your girlfriend with a dude when you are in a different orbit?
8. We can't torture people here on earth, but if we find aliens...c'mon, can we torture them a little?
9. Due to NASA's rigorous health standards for all its astronauts, including women, is it safe to say that NASA has a "No fat chicks!" policy?
10. If they watch "Apollo 13" during their flight, can that be logged as extra training?

Blogstache Day 9

My wife hates this experiment.

Blogstache Day 7

New beginnings

BTE candidate

So...YESSSSSSSSS!!!!!!! This is definitely a candidate for Best Thing Ever. It's called "The Avenging Unicorn," and if you go to the website that is selling it you'll see that it comes with "4 magical horns and 3 figures to impale." In the picture the impaled figure of choice is a mime.

If I had to choose between the ability to grow a nunchucks mustache and being able to summon a beautiful white unicorn to come to my aid and impale whomever I wish, I'm not sure which one I'd go with!
The only thing better than a unicorn that impales people upon my command, is a unicorn with nunchucks instead of a horn, that chucks people to death upon my command.

Blogstache Day 6

I had to start over...

Blogstache Day 5

I don't think I'll ever have a real mustache...

Blogstache Day 4

How many new hairs sprouted up today?

The League!

Video Game Baseball season has just begun, and it's getting real! My friends and I play a video game called MVP '06 NCAA Baseball. We take it pretty seriously and we've decided to document our digital season and are even keeping stats. It's going to get pretty tense. Here are two profile videos for two of the players. Enjoy.

Blogstache Day 3

The saga continues...

Honesty

I LOVE this picture. This is an ad that you will find at the Goodwill stores. In an age where everything gets spun by the media and perfectly sculpted models sell everything from toilet cleaners to hot pockets, it's nice to know that one company is still keepin' it real.