CONCLUSION OF A PANDA BEAR

Using Google Analytics I can see what search terms people have used to find my blog via Google. I'm pretty sure my blog was not what they were looking for, but I hope they enjoyed it anyway. So far my favorite search term that has brought an unsuspecting visitor to my domain is 'CONCLUSION OF A PANDA BEAR.' Just like that all in upper case letters. It lead me to wonder what this googler was really looking for. I couldn't find anything that seemed to match this search term in a satisfactory manner. So here is my own version of...
CONCLUSION OF A PANDA BEAR
by Nate Smith

LuLu the Panda Bear had lived a long and full life. Growing up in the forests of Tibet, LuLu had successfully avoided being poached by vicious and greedy hunters. She had many friends and many fun hobbies to keep her entertained. But one thing LuLu had never experienced was true love. She still waited patiently for her first kiss. But none of the male Panda Bears were interested. They all just wanted to be friends. Deciding to take a little bit of initiative, LuLu signed up for an online dating service called "Bear Naked." She was a little embarrassed by the title of the website, but still she filled out her profile, and then placed an ad on the site.

"SW&BF seeking SW&BM for good times and true love. Must have a good sense of humor and love astrophysics."

After a week of waiting, only one Panda Bear responded to her ad. Most Panda Bears would look at that as a bad thing. But not LuLu. She was such a positive thinker. She figured that this Panda Bear must be her one and only soul mate. She answered the response and set up a date with this Panda Bear. His name was Marky Mark (Not the rapper/actor/producer).

LuLu met Marky Mark at a Starbucks deep in the forests of Tibet. He was everything she had hoped for! He was gorgeous, had a great sense of humor, and loved astrophysics! LuLu thought this must be too good to be true. But they spent 2 hours at the Starbucks sipping the same Chai Tea through two bamboo straws. After the date, Marky Mark walked LuLu home. At her doorstep, he stopped and said, "I had a really good time LuLu. We should do this again sometime." LuLu agreed. Then he looked her right in the eyes and leaned in to kiss her.

Could it be? Was he really going to kiss her? Was LuLu the kind of bear that kissed on the first date? She didn't care. This was everything she had ever wanted. She had waited her whole life for this. And now it was finally here. She felt like a princess. She closed her eyes and leaned in for her first kiss...

BLAM! A bullet went through the right side of LuLu's head. A Poacher emerged from the brush and handed Marky Mark $200 as he left. The Poacher sold LuLu's fur for $30,000,000. And that was the
CONCLUSION OF A PANDA BEAR

"If I Had Nunchucks" the video!

Here is the video version of a previous post called "If I had Nunchucks"

Movie Titles on a Blog

Most people agree that "Snakes on a Plane" is a pretty blunt movie title, but for some reason it is still really compelling. The Hollywood production companies are now trying to cash in on this type of marketing scheme with similar movie titles. Here are 10 possible movies that might come out next summer.

1. Snakes on a Baby.
   
2. Ants in a Pants.
   
3. Kittens on a Ferry.
   
4. Pandas on a Unicorn.
   
5. Days in a Week.
   
6. Ladies on a Diet.
   
7. Jews in a Mel Gibson film.
   
8. Sharks on a Train.
   
9. Toppings on a Pizza.
   
10. Idiots on a Reality TV Show.
    

For an added bonus, imagine Samuel L. Jackson saying "I'm tired of these mother f###ing (blanks) on this mother f###ing (blank)!

Best Nate Smith Ever! part 2

Welcome to the another Best Nate Smith Ever! competition. In the last match I was completely blown out of the water by Fire Pirate Nate Smith. This week, I have decided to take on someone a little more my size. I found this Nate Smith while surfing through Myspace.com and right off the bat I was pretty sure I am better than this Nate Smith.
He looks awesome enough. Cool hat. Real facial hair. 2 instruments at the same time. Hangs out on railroad tracks. And he has a really tall friend to take pictures of him. But then I took a closer look at his Myspace page. He only has 16 friends! I have 408! DOMINATED! Then I went to see how many comments his friends had posted about him. A measely 6. I have 66! DESTROYED! Now, he does have 4 really rockin' banjo songs on his profile. But I have 10 really hilarious videos on mine. DECIMATED! Then I checked out how many people had viewed his profile. A whopping 151. Man, I think he has me beat there, because I only have....1,692, oh wait, that's way friggin' more! DELINEATED! The final straw is that I sent him a message about this contest last week, and he has yet to respond. I respond to e-mails and Myspace messages right away! WHY? Because it is the right thing to do.


So in conclusion, simply based on the comparison of our Myspace pages, I am clearly a better Nate Smith than this guy. See the evidence for yourself.
My Myspace profile
Nate Smith's Myspace profile

So now that puts me in 2nd place out of the 3 Nate Smiths that have taken part in this contest. If your name is Nate Smith, or you know a Nate Smith, and think you/he is way cooler than me, then bring it! And when I say "bring it" I mean e-mail me at natesmithsemail@gmail.com



The Best Nate Smith Ever! World Rankings
1.

2.

3.

Go to Best Nate Smith Ever! Part 3

serious blog

I know that I have written a lot of silly and nearly funny posts on this blog, but today I would like to take a moment to get serious. I want to talk about a problem that is plaguing our society right now. But I think if we work together we can put an end to it. I am talking about postmoviepreviewcommentitis. Those who are inflicted with this disease are forced to make a comment about every single movie preview they see. They will often lash out saying something like "Oh I can't wait to see that!" or "Pssh, you can bet I'm not going to that one!"

Now, there is some debate as to whether postmoviepreviewcommentitis, or PMPC, is a disease or a choice. Some people believe they are born that way, while others say they choose to make a comment after every preview. Whether or not you choose this movie-going style, it is something that needs to be controlled. If you want to make a comment about a preview to your loved one, that's your business. But don't do it in such a way that everyone else has to hear it too.

That leads me to another element of the postmoviepreviewcommentitis problem, which is the issue of second hand commentary. A lot of PMPC-ers will try to rationalize the problem by saying, "Hey it's my life, and my movie-going experience, I'm not harming anyone else." And that would be perfectly fine if you only made comments when watching movie previews at home. But when you are in a crowded movie theater and you light up a few comments about the new Tom Cruise movie and how you just don't think he's trying anymore, everyone has to deal with that and you are directly affecting their movie-going experience.

Chances are you know someone suffering from postmoviewpreviewcommentitis. You are probably wondering how you can help them. Most PMPC-ers honestly believe that you and the people around them want to hear what they have to say about the preview just shown. The best thing you can do for them is to make it perfectly clear that you don't care if they think it is ridiculous that Samuel L Jackson made a movie solely because he liked the title. It might not be easy but you'll have to explain to them that the joke they made about the Brokeback Mountain trailer has already been made 1000 times before.

Please do your part to put an end to this national crisis. And if you are currently suffering from postmoviepreviewcommentitis, help is on the way.

Blog Blog

Well I have to say, I really underestimated Nate. I thought for sure Nate would have given up on me by now. But he has been faithfully making entries on a daily basis. I'm still not quite sure what my purpose is. I mean, is this stuff supposed to be funny? It's certainly not informational.

Not only has Nate been posting, he's also been making friends. He's added a lot of links to other blogs that he finds interesting and funny. Most of them are much better than me. They have all sorts of pictures (Nate's still really lacking in that area) and links and cool widgets and stuff.

One such blog that really has its stuff together is "Critique My Blog". This blog, written by Billy Mac, will critique any blog that asks it to. Usually Billy Mac is dead on. But yesterday I got critiqued, and I have to say I think Billy was a little drunk when he wrote the analysis. Check it out:

Holy Cow...what a way to end a long hard day at work. I don't usually laugh out loud at something I'm reading, but this blog by comic Nate Smith is off the charts. If he delivers his comedy on stage the way he writes it then he better be standing by for the call from Last Comic Standing. Very impressed with this one. My advice would be two things. Add a site meter so you can see how many fans you have...and then add a feature like Feedblitz to keep your fans updated as you continue to post your material. This is definitely worth a look. Very cleverly written, I love the lists about George and Dick...The cell phone skit...the Nature's calling...You've won a fan here tonight. Nice job and keep it coming.

I dunno, maybe I just don't get it. But at least Nate took the advice Billy Mac gave and added a Feedblitz and a site meter. The Feedblitz link is so you can subscribe to this blog and receive the posts directly in your e-mail rather than having to come all the way here. The site meter is so I can see how many people have come to me. I guess they kind of work against each other. It'll be like a cage match!

Anyway, you should definitely check out "Critique My Blog" as well as all the other links over there. Who knows how long they'll be up there because I'm sure Nate is going to get bored of me and give up on me soon. If I don't ever see you again...I love you...

Ten Reasons I Might Start Smoking

Yesterday I gave you my ten reasons for not smoking. Today I thought I'd share with you ten reasons that might make me start smoking.

1. I decide that I want my own personal and portable fog machine.
2. If I ever have sex.
   
3. They start making Mt. Dew flavored cigarettes.
4. A Glade Plug-In Factory explodes near my house and I need something to balance out the smell.
5. If I need a really passive agressive way to get my out of my marriage.
6. I get a job as a private detective.
   
7. If the Pope starts smoking.
   
8. If I turn 50 and my voice still sounds like a 12 year old.
   
9. If I'm going to kill someone by dousing them in gasoline and then lighting them on fire and I need a really cool and dramatic way to light the fire.
   
10. If people start saying, "It's what all the dorky kids are doing."
    

Ten Reasons I Don't Smoke

People who smoke are often asking me why I don't smoke. I'm not sure why it is so important to them, but they always want to know. So here ten reasons why I don't smoke. (In no particular order)

1. I already have emphysema.
   
2. People are constantly splashing me with gasoline.
   
3. It's against my religion.
4. It would interfere with my crack addiction.
5. I have very little control of my lower lip.
6. My Grandmother died in a chimney accident.
7. I've never had sex.
8. Those PSA's on TV just speak to me.
9. Smoking is just a trend. It'll pass.
10. It's what the cool kids are doing, and they asked me to stop.
    

Writing Impediment Blog

(For optimal humor value, read this out loud.)

Hi, my name ith THteven, and I have a writing impediment. Actually, it'th a lithp. I uthed to have a thpeech impediment. And I worked really hard to get rid of it. I thpent yearth with a thpeech therapitht. And finally I wath able to thay my eth'th perfectly. And then thomething crazy happened. All of a thudden, I could no longer write my eth'th! What the hell!? And I know what you are thinking. "Uh, dude, there ith an eth key right there. Jutht preth it." Believe me, if I could, I would! I don't know what happened! I jutht can't hit the eth key any more!

What really thuckth, ith that I worked tho hard to be able to thpeak normally, and now every thing we do ith textht bathed. I wath tho exthited when I got my firtht thell phone and I wath going to call my friendth. And they were like, "Jutht textht me." Why!? Why can't we thpeak to each other on the phone the way thell phoneth were meant to be uthed!? Thith ith tho fruthtrating!

And thith problem hath made it really difficult to get a job. Everyone wantth to thee your rethume. I went into an interview for a job ath a telemarketer. All I would have to do ith talk on the phone all day. But they athked me for my rethume. I thaid, "Can't I jutht tell you about the other jobth I've had?" But they inthithted that I give them my rethume. Ath thoon ath they thaw it they thought I wath an imbethile.

Not only can I not find a job, but I can't get any puththy! I've been trying to do the online dating thing, but it ith really hard to write a thexy perthonal ad when you can't type eth'th! Here'th an exthample. "THingle white male looking for a thexy theductrethth with a good thenthe of humor. Mutht love to have fun in the thun. "

Thith thuckth.

While I was sleeping...Nature Called

Last night, while I was deep in slumber, Nature was desperately trying to get a hold of me. I was so fast asleep that I did not hear my phone ring. Nature left me several messages.

BEEP!
Nature: Hey Nate, it's me. Look I don't know where you are right now or why you aren't answering, but man you really gotta go. I've got a surprise for you, and I know you weren't expecting it, especially because we just talked a couple of hours ago, but this is really urgent. So, call me back when you get this and we'll get this over with. Thanks.

BEEP!
Nature: Nate, it's me again. I guess you're asleep, and I'm really sorry to wake you up like this, but I can't hold onto this anymore. If you don't get up and take care of this, I don't know what's going to happen. Things could get messy, that's all I'm saying. Call me back.

BEEP!-
Nature: Nate! I know you're there! Pick up! This is ridiculous! Don't make me do something I don't want to do. You'll regret it in the morning! ........ Okay that's it, I'm coming over there!

BEEP!-
Nature: Okay Nate, I'm right outside your door. This is your last chance. Either we can take care of this together right now, or I am just going to leave this with you to deal with on your own in the morning. What's it going to be Nate? Oh, you want to play like that, huh? Okay FINE! See how you like it!
CLICK!!-

The next morning I woke up in a wet bed. I hate Nature.

God Blog

Thought about ending it all today. The truth is, I'm just bored with this one. These people just bore me to tears! At first it was a lot of fun. I enjoyed watching them figure things out, like the fact that they had no clothes on, or that the whole "tree of knowledge" thing was just a test. And then things got real interesting as their little civilizations grew and expanded. And the best part has been listening to their half baked explanations as to why they were created and who I am. I got to hand it to them, if nothing else, they are creative.

And then they started fighting over me! That was interesting. At first it felt kind of cool. Plus it made things easier for me because it was getting crowded in their anyway and I didn't want to have to wipe everyone out again. So they were steadily keeping their own population in check, which was nice. But then it just got so ridiculous. And then both sides started saying that I made promises to them, which I totally did not do. I don't know where they are getting all of this from, but they are totally off base!

But things have been going back and forth like that for so long now, it just doesn't seem like there is going to be anymore progress on this one. I think it's probably time to start a new one. What do you think? Please leave your comments.

Sidenote: I am one Paris Hilton reality TV show away from flooding it all again.

FAQ

I get a lot of questions here at the blog, so I thought I'd take a moment to answer them. I get a lot of different questions, but the ones below are some of the questions I get asked the most. Here they are in a segment I simply call "Frequently Asked Questions."

Q: Where do babies come from?
A: Okay, I get this one a lot, and I'm not sure why. I've been avoiding it for a while, but I'm finally going to answer it once and for all. And kiddies, I'm not going to hold any punches, so hold on. So here's what happens: There is a special wonderful land called baby land. In this land lives a special magical breed of storks. I'm not talking about the storks on the pickle jars. Those are the cousins of these storks, and they are much less magical than these storks. Anyway, when a Mommy is ready to have a baby, a magical stork from baby land flies to your house, and then impregnates your Mommy while your Daddy watches with a disgusted look on his face. But your Mommy loves it. Then 9 months later a baby pops out of her vagina.

Q: What is more magical, a Dragon or a Unicorn?
A: This is a very good question, and I am honored that you think I can even answer this. The truth is, Dragons are not actually as magical as most people give them credit for. Rather, Dragons are legendary. Unicorns on the other hand are the most magical creature to ever exist. A big distinction between the two creatures is that many a dragon has been slayed, while Unicorns are so magical that no one would ever even want to slay a Unicorn. A Unicorn could spear you straight through the chest and spin you around on his horn, and while you were spinning around with your blood and life gushing out of you, you would still say, "Isn't this Unicorn beautiful!" If Unicorns wanted to, they could take over the world, but they are so magical that they don't need to take over the world. But then again, maybe they have taken over the world and this is exactly how they want the world to be. GOD I LOVE UNICORNS!!!

Q: Are you gay?
A: No. Why do people keep asking me that?

Q: If a Pirate and a Ninja mated, what would be the result?
A: Okay, first of all I will assume that one of them would be a female. Otherwise the result wouldn't be very interesting, it would just be a little painful and kind of gross. In order for this to work, the ninja would have to be the female, because as soon as they were done mating the ninja would kill the pirate. Unfortunately for the pirate, he wouldn't have even known that anything had happened until it was too late and he was dead with an erection. But then the child of these two parents would be the greatest and most deadliest being of all time. It would have the ultimate cunning. It would learn to steer its pirate ship through the waters completely undetected. No one would live long enough to know its name and so it would only be known as Death. Okay now I'm scared. Let's never let a Pirate and a Ninja mate.

If you have any questions you would like to ask, please send them to natesmithsemail@gmail.com

Dick Cheney's To Do List

Dick Cheney's Daily To Do List

1. Growl at the press.
   
2. Cheat death.
3. Shoot campaign contributor in face.
4. Destroy one person's dream.
5. Kick a third world country in the balls.
6. Bake a pie.
7. Cover up a scandal.
8. Start a new scandal.
9. Eat a puppy.
10. Make America safe.
    

George Bush's To Do List

George Bush's Daily To Do List

1. Make absolutely no sense.
2. Space out for 30 minutes every half hour.
3. Mess up 5 hard words and 10 easy words.
4. Spread Democracy.
5. Spread panic.
6. Make one on-camera blunder.
7. Contradict one statement made in a previous speech.
8. Write a haiku.
9. Reference 9/11
10. Laugh after every complete sentence.
    

Does That Make Me Laaaaaazy?

Here is my version of the Gnarls Barkley song "Crazy." This is called "Lazy." For best results, listen to the actual song while reading this. And if you are a musician, I would love to hear your version of this song, so please record it and send it to me. I have a copyright on the lyrics.

I remember when, I remember, I remember the other night
I was lying in my bed so fast asleep.
Something urgent woke me from my slumber
I had to pee.

And I just lied there
Without care,
Yeah, I just played it dead
And I didn't get up and go to the bathroom
I just wet the bed

Does that make me laaaaaaaaaaazy?
Does that make me laaaaaaaaaaazy?
Does that make me laaaaaaaaaaazy?
Possibly

All the plants in my apartment, they have gone and died
And my dog, is as dead as a log

Come on now, what do you, what do you, what do you, what do you want to watch?
Ha ha ha bless your soul
We can not find the remote control

Well, I'm just that laaaaaaaaaazy
I'm just that laaaaaaaaazy
I'm just that laaaaaaaaazy
I don't care

My heroes never put on pants or get a shave and trim
And all I remember is thinking, I want to be like them
Ever since I was little, ever since I was little it looked like fun
And it's no coincidence I've come
And I can die when I'm done

Maybe I'm laaaaaaaaaazy
Maybe I'm laaaaaaaaaazy
Maybe I'm laaaaaaaaaazy
Definitely

Lyrics copyrighted by Nate Smith, September 13, 2006.

Best Nate Smith Ever! part 1

I am pretty aware that Nate Smith is a very common name. I've met several Nate Smiths in my day and heard of many more. I was sitting around the other day being extremely vain when I began to wonder where I ranked amongst all the other Nate Smiths in the world. I went to school with a Nate Smith and he was a total tool. So I know I got him beat. But how many other Nate Smiths am I better than? How many of them are better than me? I've decided to find out in a segment I call "Best Nate Smith Ever!"

The first Nate Smith that I will do battle with is definitely a formidable opponent. In fact I already know that I'm going to lose this one. First of all, he is the very first name that comes up when you search for "Nate Smith" on google. I don't show up until halfway down page 8 of that search.

So I clicked on his link and it takes me to his personal site, Fire-Arts.com . Right on the front page is a picture of a giant ball of fire! This man makes art out of fiery explosions! One of the links says "Fire Vortex" and if you click on it you can see pictures of him creating these giant swirly pillars of fire. Meanwhile my fireplace has an on/off switch!

Then, if you go to his bio you will see a picture of Nate Smith. Right off the bat I can see two areas where he has me beat.
First of all, he has a goatee. He can grow real facial hair! I have to photoshop my mustache on. But secondly, he looks totally bad ass in a bandana. He looks like a pirate! A fire pirate! When I wear a bandana, I look like a chemo patient, and not the cool kind of chemo patient.


So this Nate Smith is clearly cooler than me. But as if that wasn't enough, I contacted him about this contest and here is his reply:

You certainly can give yourself points for being a bit weird. Nate, this
life isn't a competition. Be true to yourself Nate. Then there won't be
any reason to compare one Nate Smith with another. You are the best Nate
Smith that is just like you. Remember this always. You are really
incredible actually. Stick to developing yourself and your self expression
and someday you may beat me out of the google match. But at that time,
you won't care about being on top because your reward will be being
yourself.

Good luck with your life Nate Smith, I hope someday to google myself and
have you appear.

You're welcome to include me in your blog. If you still have the desire
to compare.

Kind regards,
Nate

Not only is he cooler than me, he's a lot less shallow than me, and he's so wise! Unfortunately, I can't take his advice. Not because it isn't good advice, but because I never take good advice when it is given to me. I guess in a way I am being true to myself by not taking his advice and am therefore actually taking his advice, which in turn means I am no longer being true to myself. Okay a vein in my head just popped.

The point is, Fire Pirate Nate Smith wins. My first match was a failure and I'll have to put this one in the loss column. Good game, both Nate Smiths played hard.

If your name is Nate Smith and you think you are the "Best Nate Smith Ever!" send me an e-mail at natesmithsemail@gmail.com .

Go to Best Nate Smith Ever! Part 2

Nature called during my lunch break

I sat down to start my lunch break today and suddenly I got an unexpected call. This is the conversation that followed:

Me: Hello?
Nature: Hey, it's me. Look, you gotta go, and you gotta go NOW.
Me: What? I just sat down to eat.
Nature: That doesn't matter. It's time.
Me: But I just heated up my pizza and it's all hot and ready for consumption.
Nature: You'll have to come back to it.
Me: But then it will get cold.
Nature: You can re-heat it.
Me: It's already a microwaved pizza. Re-heating a microwavable pizza is like getting sloppy seconds on a cheap hooker. You weren't proud of it in the first place, but now it's just gross.
Nature: Look, we don't really have time to argue about this. One way or another this is going to happen. The only question you have to answer is your place or mine?
Me: Can't you hold it off? I'll finish eating, and then you'll have more to work with.
Nature: That's the point, you can't take anymore. You've reached the limit.
Me: Well, can't I get an extension? I just need a little more time.
Nature: Who do you think I am? Think I'm new at this? When it's time, it is time!
Me: I could have used a little more warning. It would have been nice to have taken care of this before lunch.
Nature: I've been leaving you messages all morning, but you've been ignoring me.
Me: I've been busy.
Nature: I don't care how busy you are. When I call, you answer!
Me: How do I know this isn't another one of your prank calls? I answered your call the other day and was on the line for 10 minutes and NOTHING happened!
Nature: Oh yeah, that was pretty funny. You just kept waiting.
Me: Glad you thought it was so hilarious. My legs almost went completely numb.
Nature: Well, I'm sorry about that, but this time it's real. And it's now.
Me: Fine!
-Click-

I hate it when Nature calls.

An Explanation

Many people have asked me about the description to my blog : "A place where Panda Bears can ride Unicorns but Unicorns can not ride Panda Bears." They've been sending their questions to my personal e-mail, rather than posting comments on my blog. Probably because they feel like the questions are too personal to ask in public. The three main questions that I have been getting are:
"What the hell does that mean?"
"Why don't Unicorns have the same rights as Panda Bears?"
and
"How extremely gay are you?"

I'd like to start by answering the third question first. I am not extremely gay. I am in fact mildly straight. And I don't think hosting a blog where Panda Bears are aloud to ride Unicorns (but not vice versa) is gay at all. In fact I am kind of offended that people would associate that concept with homosexuality. Haven't homosexuals taken enough from us? They have already taken rainbows, and having sex with someone of the same gender. The buck has to stop somewhere, and I am drawing the line at Panda Bears riding Unicorns (but not vice versa).

Next I would like to address the first question (just to keep you on your toes). A lot of people are confused by what that means. It's actually a very simple concept, but I can understand why you are confused. Unfortunately we live in a day and age where the word "ride" now has a sexual connotation. In the good old days, a male school teacher could say "I've really been riding my students hard all year," and the PTA would applaud his hard work and high standards. If a teacher said that today, the PTA would have his teaching license revoked.

But what I am referring to is not at all sexual. My use of the word "ride" is a throw back to the good old days when it simply meant to sit on top of something as it moves in a certain direction. It is kind of like when people say, "that was bad, like 80's Michael Jackson bad," in which case they mean good. I am using the Michael Jackson version of "ride." Wait, scratch that. Never mind. Basically, I mean ride in the purest sense of the word.

The final question I will address is the second question in the list (because that is the only question left. Are you even paying attention?). People want to know why I am discriminating against Unicorns and not giving them the same rights as Panda Bears. But this isn't about rights or discrimination. This is about knowing your place in the world. Some things just make sense, and others things are just not right. It just makes sense for a Panda Bear riding a Unicorn. Look.















Now that looks perfectly normal, and magical I might add. That's the way things should be. The Unicorn is giving the Panda a ride to whatever magical destination it needs to get to. They work as a team. A very magical team.
Now let's see what it looks like the other way around.

Now that just doesn't look right. Am I right? The Unicorn is way to big for the Panda Bear and the Panda seems to be in pain. I love Unicorns, but if I saw a Unicorn doing this to a Panda Bear, I would have to shoot the Unicorn in order to put the Panda Bear out of its misery.

So in conclusion, as you can see, it is clearly okay for a Panda Bear to ride a Unicorn, but it is just not cool for a Unicorn to ride a Panda Bear. And that is why I take a strong stand that this blog is a place where Panda Bears can ride Unicorns but Unicorns can not ride Panda Bears.

Body Blog

Oh my God. I am aching so bad today. I don't know what Nate's problem is. We used to be in really good shape. We would play sports every day and work out all the time. But since college Nate has barely done any kind of physical activity. Playing Dance Dance Revolution really doesn't count. But every now and then, like last night, he'll decide to go with his buddies to 24 hour fitness and play 4 hours of full court basketball. Just out of the blue he straps on his b-ball shoes hits the court as if he had never missed a day of practice. Except he's missed about 3 years of practice! And I'm the one who has to pick up for his slack. The lungs just weren't ready that. Neither were the legs. And apparently neither were the hands because he dropped about 6 passes. It's a lot harder than just pushing the x button, isn't it Nate!

The hard part is, I try to tell the brain that we need to slow down, but Nate has ordered the brain to over power me. We're supposed to be working together, but this is one of the first times in a long time that Nate has given the brain any control so it was on a total power trip. "RUN FASTER!" "MIND OVER MATTER!!!" What a prick.

The worst part is, after 3 years of doing nothing, then 4 hours of grueling basketball, Nate just stops cold. No warm down. No stretching. Nothing. He just walks out to his car in the parking lot without putting his warm up pants back on, and drives home. Then, after all my muscles have cooled down, he gets in a hot shower, heats them up, then hops out into the cold so they freeze up again, and goes to bed. What a friggin' idiot. Where were you on that one brain!

I'm going to try and get so fat that he'll never play basketball again.

Brain Blog

Man I am so bored. Nate hasn't used me in days! Who am I kidding, he hasn't used me for years. Ever since he got married, I have been pretty much obsolete. Anytime he has a chance to think for himself, he gets his wife to do it instead. I mean I don't blame him for deferring to her. Her brain is far superior. But it'd be nice to get a little exercise every now and then. I mean, it's not my fault that I keep making mistakes. I haven't had any practice lately. It's like asking a Doctor who hasn't done a surgery in 2 years to suddenly get back in the game and do a double bypass surgery. Sure, he'll do okay for the most part, but he's gonna make a few wrong cuts here and there. And now Nate and I are having trust issues because anytime someone asks him a question he doesn't trust that I will have the answer for him. Most of the time if he has to remember something, he won't even use me. He'll just put it in his stupid little notepad. So when he does put some information in me, what's the point of keeping it for him? How do I even know he'll end up using it? He'll probably just ask his wife for the information like he always does.

Look, I'll admit that I've gotten a little lazy over the years. I mean, I haven't really had to do much ever since Nate got married, and to be quite honest I wasn't doing that much before he got married either. But I don't think this is totally my fault. If you have a nice car, but you let it sit for a few years, it's not going to start up right away. You have to keep it finely tuned. You have to run it every now and then. So the fact that Nate has been neglecting me is ultimately the reason why I've been having so many problems. And I'm not the only one that Nate has done this to. Just ask his body.

How many times do we have to say hello?

Walking through my offices today I passed the same co-worker several times. The first time she gave me a very pleasant hello, and I returned the salutation. Then about 5 minutes later our paths crossed again, and as if it was the first time she had seen me today she said hello again. No big deal. But then we went passed each other again, and again she said hello. Yeah! Hi! I acknowledge your presence in the building. You're here and I am here. Let's move on!

Non-Offensive Terms for Poop

Here are some of my favorite non-offensive terms for poop.

Icky Pickles
Compost
Fertilizer
Twosie
Duece
Logs
Nugget
Baby Ruth
Cosby Kids
Touching Cotton
Pinching a Loaf
Prairie Doggin'
Taking the Browns to the Super Bowl (contributed by Mandie)
Fudge
Miscarried Corn (contributed by Garrett Palm)
bopkes (contributed by Bazza)

Feel free to leave a comment and add your own to the list. If I like it I'll put it up.

Wolverine Blog

This has been the most depressing week ever. And I didn't think it could get any worse! For about a month now I have been clinically depressed. With Dr. Xavier dead, and Jean Grey acting like a crazy bird and trying to fry my flesh off, I've really hit rock bottom. Finally, last week I just couldn't take it anymore and I decided to kill myself. Easier said than done. The first thing I tried was slitting my wrist. It's the most classic way to do it, and I thought it would give me time to reminisce over all the good times in my life before things went down the drain. Unfortunately my skin on my wrist just kept re-generating which would stop the bleeding. This was extremely frustrating. I began just furiously slashing at my wrists over and over but it wasn't helping at all.

Then I decided to shoot myself. I started off with a simple revolver. I guess that was kind of dumb. So I tried bigger and bigger guns. Each time, the hole in my head just sealed back up and I was completely fine. Finally I got a bazooka. Do you have any idea how hard it is to shoot yourself in the head with a bazooka? Kurt Cobain ain't got nothing on me. But unfortunately, not even that worked. My face completely re-generated. But my hair still doesn't look right.

The next thing I tried was jumping off of buildings. Each time I hit the ground I just got right back up. I kept looking for taller and taller buildings but nothing worked. I think I startled some window shoppers as I fell off a skyscraper, splatted right next to them, and then got up yelling "Dammit! Why can't I die!?!?!"

So anyway, I don't know what to do. Maybe I should start reading some of those self help books I saw in Cyclops' room. If you have any ideas on how I can effectively end my life, please post a comment.

If I Had Nunchucks...

If I had nunchucks, the first thing I would do is stop combing* my hair. And then if anyone commented on my hair in a negative way, like "woah, someone's having a bad hair day." BLAM!!! Nunchuck to the nose. Then I'd say "Woah, someone's having a bad nose day."

There's a lot of things that would change in my life. For instance, "beware of dog" signs would never apply to me. In fact, I would insist that the dog owners put up a sign for their dog that says "Beware of man with nunchucks."

Also, there'd be no waiting in line. I'm not saying that I would attack the people in line. I'm just saying that whereever I go I will be swinging my nunchucks, and you're probably going to want to move.

There are some cons to having nunchucks, I will admit that. For example, my monthly light bulb cost will go way up because instead of simply turning off a lamp, I will nunchuck it off. I will also probably get knocked out a lot, because honestly, I have no idea how to use nunchucks.

But the pros outweigh the cons by far. One nice thing about owning nunchucks is that you are apart of an elite club. And much like bikers who pass each other on the road and wave, when two nunchuckers pass each other on a crowded sidewalk while swinging their nunchucks, they give a little nod as if to say "If ninjas attacked right now you would be safe, and I would be safe, but the rest of these suckers would be toast."

Yeah...if only I had nunchucks...


*I don't actually use a comb, but I am not comfortable using the phrase "styling my hair."