Saturday, September 09, 2006

An Explanation

Many people have asked me about the description to my blog : "A place where Panda Bears can ride Unicorns but Unicorns can not ride Panda Bears." They've been sending their questions to my personal e-mail, rather than posting comments on my blog. Probably because they feel like the questions are too personal to ask in public. The three main questions that I have been getting are:
"What the hell does that mean?"
"Why don't Unicorns have the same rights as Panda Bears?"
"How extremely gay are you?"

I'd like to start by answering the third question first. I am not extremely gay. I am in fact mildly straight. And I don't think hosting a blog where Panda Bears are aloud to ride Unicorns (but not vice versa) is gay at all. In fact I am kind of offended that people would associate that concept with homosexuality. Haven't homosexuals taken enough from us? They have already taken rainbows, and having sex with someone of the same gender. The buck has to stop somewhere, and I am drawing the line at Panda Bears riding Unicorns (but not vice versa).

Next I would like to address the first question (just to keep you on your toes). A lot of people are confused by what that means. It's actually a very simple concept, but I can understand why you are confused. Unfortunately we live in a day and age where the word "ride" now has a sexual connotation. In the good old days, a male school teacher could say "I've really been riding my students hard all year," and the PTA would applaud his hard work and high standards. If a teacher said that today, the PTA would have his teaching license revoked.

But what I am referring to is not at all sexual. My use of the word "ride" is a throw back to the good old days when it simply meant to sit on top of something as it moves in a certain direction. It is kind of like when people say, "that was bad, like 80's Michael Jackson bad," in which case they mean good. I am using the Michael Jackson version of "ride." Wait, scratch that. Never mind. Basically, I mean ride in the purest sense of the word.

The final question I will address is the second question in the list (because that is the only question left. Are you even paying attention?). People want to know why I am discriminating against Unicorns and not giving them the same rights as Panda Bears. But this isn't about rights or discrimination. This is about knowing your place in the world. Some things just make sense, and others things are just not right. It just makes sense for a Panda Bear riding a Unicorn. Look.

Now that looks perfectly normal, and magical I might add. That's the way things should be. The Unicorn is giving the Panda a ride to whatever magical destination it needs to get to. They work as a team. A very magical team.
Now let's see what it looks like the other way around.

Now that just doesn't look right. Am I right? The Unicorn is way to big for the Panda Bear and the Panda seems to be in pain. I love Unicorns, but if I saw a Unicorn doing this to a Panda Bear, I would have to shoot the Unicorn in order to put the Panda Bear out of its misery.

So in conclusion, as you can see, it is clearly okay for a Panda Bear to ride a Unicorn, but it is just not cool for a Unicorn to ride a Panda Bear. And that is why I take a strong stand that this blog is a place where Panda Bears can ride Unicorns but Unicorns can not ride Panda Bears.


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