If I Was A Robot

If I was a robot, what kind of robot would I be?

First of all I have to decide if I would have legs, or tank style treads like Johnny Five. Actually, you know what, I don't have to decide. Because I will just have both. I will have legs, and on the bottom of my feet have treads, kind of like those shoes that all the kids wear these days. But no, I will not just wear those shoes...that's ridiculous. The reason I would have legs is so that I can sneak into the NBA. It would be pretty obvious that I was a robot if I didn't have legs.

My torso would have a computer/Nintendo Wii game console built right in. My belly button would project the screen onto walls. Built into my left wrist would be a universal remote. On my right wrist would be a cool watch.

For my hands, I have to decide if I want to go with the old fashioned two pronged crane hands, or the newfangled 5 fingered hand. I'm partial to the crane hand, so I'm going to go with that, but I will have 5 fingered attachments that I can slip on over the cranes for when I need to be more dexterous (and also for when I am sneaking into the NBA).

My left eye would be a camera that would record everything that I see. The recordings would be uploaded to an internet server via my internal WiFi system and would always be accessible. I would also have an internal Google system that would allow me to search for any and all information that is picked up by my sensors.

My right eye would be a laser pointer. That way when people ask me what I am looking at I can turn it on and say "That."

My most important feature would be my retractable mustache. Little tiny holes just below my aroma sensor would allow illustrious black hairs to protrude and form a glorious mustache. The mustache can then be retracted when making out or attempting to look youthful.

10 New Game Show Ideas

With the huge success of the hit game show Deal or No Deal, NBC executives have rushed to cash in on the popularity of its format. Here are 10 new game show ideas being pitched at NBC.

1. Feel or No Feel: A pedophile picks through 26 briefcases containing pictures of little boys to see if he can win a date with a very special child.

2. Heal or No Heal: A terminally ill patient tests his luck to see if he can pick the briefcase with the right anecdote.

3. Reel or No Reel: A group of movie goers pick 1 of 26 different movie theaters and see if they get to watch a movie, or sit in uncomfortable silence for 2 hours.

4. Kneel or No Kneel: A possible Groom to be blindly picks from 26 girls and then is forced to decide if he will propose or not.

5. Squeal or No Squeal: A cross between Fear Factor and Deal or No Deal, contestants choose a briefcase to put their hand into. If the contents of the briefcase make them squeal, they have to eat it.

6. Peel or No Peel: 26 fruits are displayed. The contestant must decide if he would like to peel them or not.

7. Biel or No Biel: A nerd tries his luck to see if he can win a date with Jessica Biel.

8. Teal or No Teal: Bridesmaids watch nervously as the Bride picks out their dresses.

9. Meal or No Meal: Homeless people get the chance to win anything from a half eaten bologne sandwich to a full 10 course meal.

10. Appeal or No Appeal: A mix between Deal or No Deal and Judge Judy, contestants can possibly plea bargain their way out of jail time, but if they aren't careful they could end up with multiple life sentences.

Beef of Fish?

I was recently filling out a questionnaire and the essay prompt was "Beef of fish?" I think they meant "Beef or Fish?" But I took their question quite literally, and here is my answer.

"Beef of fish?"
What is the beef of fish? There are many different kinds of fish and other water dwelling creatures, but which one deserves the title "Beef of fish?" One might foolishly jump to the conclusion that the Manatee must be the beef of fish. After all, it is known as the Sea Cow. But first of all, the Manatee is not actually a fish, it is a mammal. So it is immediately disqualified. Besides, it takes a lot more than just being called a cow to be the beef of something. Cows are the beef of mammals, but if it weren't for the fact that they render a meat that is so tasty, as well as versatile in its culinary uses, we would strip that title from them and give it to Chicken.

So what fish deserves this audacious title? The Tuna Fish has certainly made a name for itself as being a versatile food item available in a vast array of entrees and dishes. Unfortunately, that name is "Chicken of the Sea," which is a close second to "Beef of fish." Halibut is definitely a tasty fish enjoyed by many, but there are not too many different ways one can serve Halibut. So it too does not qualify. But then there is Salmon. Now Salmon is a tasty treat that comes in a variety of forms. You can get it sliced up and cooked right in front of you at Benihanas, you can get it in hot dog form at Safeway, you can have a nice salmonwich, and I've even had Salmon Jerky. Therefore, I nominate Salmon as the "Beef of fish."

Lesser of Two Evils #1

Welcome to a new series on Nate is a Blog called "Lesser of Two Evils." In this series I will contemplate two evil activities and then decide which I would rather do. Enjoy.

Evil #1: Kill the last living koala bear with a cheese grater.

Evil #2: Give birth to a child that I know for a fact will successfully grow up to become the next Hitler and committ mass genocide.

Okay, let's get started. First we should talk about exactly how one goes about killing a koala bear with a cheese grater. You simply hold the furry little fellow down and run the cheese grater along his head until you have grated enough of his brains away to kill him. That's pretty awful. I'm not sure I could bring myself to pull the trigger of a rifle and kill an animal from 100 yards away, let alone do it point blank with a kitchen instrument.

So I guess I'll just have to condemn millions of innocent people to death. No one ever blames Hitler's parents for what he did. Then again, they didn't know Hitler was going to grow up to be...Hitler. If only I could have the evil baby and then kill it immediately! Or maybe I could have an abortion. Damn! I don't believe in abortion! I couldn't live with myself if I was responsible for the next Holocaust!

But, man! Those little Koala bears are so damned cute! They have those huge adorable eyes, and fluffy ears! And I am horrible with a cheese grater. The last time I tried using one, it took me almost two hours to grate a 2 inch block of cheese. Imagine how hard it would be to grate a living, struggling, extremely huggable creature. Not to mention it is the last of its kind! There might be a way to save the species! I can't let Koala's go down like that.

But then again, I would personally have to give birth to the Hitler baby. Just like Arnold Schwarzenegger in Junior, or like sea horses (maybe that's a plus!), I would have to shove this little demonic child out of my butt. That sounds really painful! On the other hand, if I kill a Koala bear, PETA will be all over me. They'll hound me and send me mean messages and send their topless celebrities after me...and...Okay, that's it. I know my answer. Koala bears are cute and all, but I am not giving birth to the 4th Reich.

If you would like to suggest a choice of two evil things for me to choose, please send your choices to nateisablog@gmail.com .

Away Message Blog

Nate will be away from his blog for the next few days. If you would like to leave a message, please wait for the beep.


BEEEP!!!!!!!

Native American Blog

The White Man invited us all to a big dinner. I'm really not that excited about it. Every time those guys give us something, they take it back right away. I can just picture what it would be like. "Hey can you pass the salt?" "Sure, here you go. Oh actually I want to use it. Sorry." Stupid Whitie Givers.

I have a feeling this is going to be a pretty stressful gathering. My Uncle, Chief Running for President, just found out that my cousin, Dances with Muskrats, is actually Dances with Boys. This did not go over well. Things are going to be pretty tense.

Pilgrim Blog

Things have not been going so well. We got to this awesome land, and were really excited about starting our new nation here. But we started looking around our new property and apparently there are some other people here. They like to squat a lot, and they are on OUR property without permission, so I've been calling them squatters. Everyone else is calling them Indians but um...I really don't think that's what they are. But whatever they are called, they are annoying. First of all, it seems like they don't know how to do anything because everytime we see them the first thing they say is "How?" And it's pretty obvious that they don't know how to do much because they are living in tents. Ever heard of making a house? But "how" is pretty much the only English word they have learned. Which makes for some pretty awkward situations. Like there was that time when we asked them if we could take their horses and their land. They just laughed and nodded at us so we assumed that meant it was okay. But then when we started riding away with their horses, they shot arrows at us. Awkward. Kind of annoying if you think about it. They said we could have their horses and land, and then they took them back. Everyone else is calling it "Indian Giving." But I really don't agree with that term. They aren't Indians. I call it "Squatter Giving."

Anyway, we're trying to put all of those troubles behind us for now. It's getting really frickin cold here and we need some food. So we've decided to have a joint feast with Squatters. The one thing they do know how to do is have a party. They're going to bring the corn, the bread, the cornbread, the entertainment, and the peace pipe. We're going to bring a turkey. That seems pretty fair. I just hope they are grateful.

Nate is a Shop

Tired of having extra money? Wish you could give it to someone who isn't really all that needy but would still benefit from a little extra cash? Well now you can solve both of those problems in one daft move. Check out my new cafepress.com shop called Nate is a Shop. Right now it only has a few items, featuring my new clothing line "No Juan." You can tell the world that you "Fear No Juan" or that "No Juan Cares." In time there will be more items. But I need your help. If there is anything from any of my previous posts that you would like to see featured on a t-shirt or button or mug or some other type of product that cafepress sales; let me know. I'll do my best to accomodate. But know this: If you make a request, and I spend time making the graphics for that item, I expect you to purchase that item. For now, each item will only be marked up $2 from the production cost, so I will only be making $2 off each sale (I'm good at math).

New Catch Phrases

I decided today that I need a new catch phrase. Help me pick out the best one.

1. Sweet Balls
2. Holy Hummus
3. Go Punch Yourself
4. I'm full of Tacos
5. Crap on a biscuit and call it a muffin
6. I'm the Tornado of Justice
7. Here comes a big plate of crazy
8. Pilates Power
9. Show me the bunny
10. I have shiny pants

Best Nate Smith Ever! Part 4

Welcome to the 4th installment of The Best Nate Smith Ever! Today's contender is a fierce competitor who is sure to give me a run for my money.

Nate Smith is a Sophomore for the USC Trojans Baseball team. At first glance I thought I could beat this guy easily, because I am much better at wearing baseball hats. But then I looked at his stats and realized it was going to be an uphill battle.

First of all, he is 6'2" and 230 pounds. Yikes. I am 5'10" and 160 pounds (that's a generous estimate). This guy could eat me.

His senior year of high school he batted .397 and had 6 homeruns. I haven't hit 6 homeruns my whole life!

Last but not least, his favorite movie is Scarface, which is much cooler than my favorite movie; Legally Blonde 2: Red, White & Blonde.

So unfortunately, this Nate Smith is clearly a better Nate Smith than me. I concede to you Mr. Trojan. Ah! This is so frustrating! Look how badly he is wearing his hat! How could someone who is so much better than me, be so bad at wearing hats? Whatever, I'm over it.

If you are a Nate Smith or you know a Nate Smith and think he is better than me, bring it on. E-mail me at nateisablog@gmail.com and prove to me that you are The Best Nate Smith Ever!

The Best Nate Smith Ever! World Rankings
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Go to Best Nate Smith Ever! Part 5

10 Ways I Am Like James Bond

1. James Bond has a license to kill. I have a learner's permit to kill.
2. James Bond's watch shoots a laser. My laser shoots a watch.
3. James Bond takes orders from the Queen of England. I used to take orders at Dairy Queen.
4. James Bond likes his Martinis shaken, not stirred. I like my babies shaken, not stirred.
5. James Bond has had sex with many exotic women. I've had sex.
6. James Bond can get himself out of any situation. I can get myself into any situation.
7. James Bond is an expert marksman. I am an expert groomsman.
8. James Bond gets all the ladies. I get all the maladies.
9. James Bond fears no one. I fear no Juan.
10. There is an on going dispute as to which James Bond is the best. There is an on going dispute as to which Nate Smith is the best ever.

Couple Making Out in the Grocery Store Blog

I'm not sure what the big deal is. Here we are in the middle of the grocery store looking for a good deal on deli meats, and we decided to express our love for each other by locking lips for 45 seconds. What's wrong with that? Do you have something against hearing our lips flap against each other as our saliva swaps back and forth? Are you trying to say this is an inappropriate spot to make out? We just found a great deal on lunch meats and wanted to share our excitement right here and now. Don't you kiss when you find a bargain on meat? Oh I suppose you only kiss when you are alone and in private. Are you ashamed of your love? Well we're not ashamed and we're going to show it. First here in the meat section, and then we're going to head over to the dairy section and gnaw on each other's faces for a while. And then to top it all off we are going ride the cashier's conveyor belt together. Shopping is fun!

Death Blog

Today I had to confront one of my greatest fears. I had to bring Jack Palance to the afterlife. I've been putting this off for about 20 years. He is one scary dude! I actually tried taking him about 15 years ago. I thought he was ready go after hearing him breathe. I approached him and told him it was his time to go. He just sneered at me, and then started doing one handed push ups. I've never been confronted like that. It really freaked me out and I just kind of slinked away.

But now, 15 years later, I finally manned up and finished the job. It wasn't easy. He was still freakishly strong and had a death stare that could melt butter. But I'm friggin' Death Baby! When I want someone dead I make them dead! And I don't take no shit from no one!

Okay, to be honest, I had to make a deal with him. He made me promise that when Billy Crystal dies, he gets to be the one to take him. At first I said no, because I've never let anyone else do my job. But then he took out a wooden match, struck it on his face, lit up a cigarrette, and then just stared at me. That scared the crap out of me. So I gave in. But I'm still going to consider this a victory. In your face Jack!

Damn it! I'm it!

Okay, I've been tagged. I will answer these questions. But I am not going to tag anyone else. I don't play tag. I'm a Kick the Can man.

Four Jobs I Have Had:
1. International Man of Mystery: I'm not sure what I was doing, but it was overseas.
2. Headless Chicken Chaser: After the chickens have their heads chopped off, someone has to chase them down.
3. Oprah: I used to be Oprah...but I got tired of that.
4. Gun Slinger: I could throw a gun a good 10 to 15 feet.

Four TV Shows I Love to Watch:
1. The Bronze Girls: It's a tanner version of the Golden Girls and it is hot!
2. CSI Caribbean: Jack Sparrow inspecting pirate bones with a flash light. Brilliant!
3. 3,576,829,578's Company: 1 guy roommate, 3,576,829,577 girl roommates, and a goofy land lord.
4. Gyros: A group of greek sandwiches discover they have super powers.

Four of My Favorite Foods:
1. Meat
2. Vegetables
3. Dairy
4. Grains

Four Movies That I Could Watch Over and Over:
1. Memento: As soon as I get it, I'll stop watching it.
2. Ocean's 22: It hasn't come out yet, but I can already tell it's going to be good.
3. The Gaytrix: I can never get enough of the line "I know Fung Shui."
4. Burger King Safety Procedures Instructional Video #2: Saftey First.

Four Places I Have Lived:
1. In my mother's womb: It was a studio apartment.
2. In my father's shadow: It's cold and bitter.
3. In my wife's dog house: It's cold and bitter.
4. Wisconsin: It's cold and bitter.

Four Places I Would Rather Be Right Now:
1. In my mother's womb: I have issues.
2. In my wife's arms: My wife wrote that one.
3. On the LOST island...in Sawyer's arms: Damn you Kate!
4. In the studio of my own daily comedy TV show: That's not a joke.

"Ending it all"

As I was vainly checking up on who was checking up on me, and how they were checking up on me, I noticed in the list of google search terms used to find my website, someone entered the term "Ending it all." OH NO! Well whoever this person was I am glad they found my blog rather than "DeathyMcDeatherton'sGuidetoMakingYourselfNotAlive.blogspot.com". I hope that the sheer hilarity of my blog was enough to make this googler feel like life was worth living. But just in case frivolous jokes about Panda Bears and Ninjas (or maybe Ninja Bears!!! coming soon) isn't enough to keep this person from throwing in the towel, here is a message to them.

Dear awesome person deserving of living a long life and only dying of natural causes,
I noticed you are interested in gathering information on "ending it all." Please do not end it all. In fact please do not end more than 50% of it. You have so much to live for! Just think about all the awesome things out there. There are things like handlebar mustaches, Pinatas that look like Weird Al Yankovich, one legged puppies named Pogo, Lunchables, Dinnerables, and Brunchables. There are monkeys that know how to do Kung Fu, Rock bands that dance on treadmills, and men that preach about the sins of same sex marriage and then get caught paying for a male prostitute.
This is just a short list. I could go on and on. The point is, there are too many good things around to end it all. So instead of ending it all, why don't you try starting some of it.

Presidential Blog

It's a sad day here in the White House. Oh, who am I kidding, I'm not in the White House, I'm at my ranch. I'm here so often, I think I will give the ranch a name similar to Michael Jackson's Ranch. He calls his the Never Never Land Ranch. I'm gonna call mine the Never Never Work Ranch.

The reason I'm sad is, my good buddy Donny Rumsy is steppin' down. I sure am going to miss that old hoot. But the worst part is now I have to think of somebody to take his place. I hate thinkin'. Here are some of the options I am considering for the new Secretary of the Fence.

1. Saddam Hussein: You gotta admit, he's pretty good.
2. Ben Wallace: I hear he's good at defense.
3. Jack Bauer: Once we get him back from the Chinese, he'll probably want a desk job.
4. Mark Foley: He knows a lot about being on the defensive, and he's got his finger on the pulse of America's youth.
5. Bob Saget: I just like that guy.
6. Raul: He is in charge of the fence at my ranch. He does a fine job.
7. Walker Texas Ranger: Walker American Secretary of the Fence. (For him I could have it changed to Administrative Assistant of the Fence)

Mad Props Disease

Mad Props to Nevins Manafe who not only designed the banner at the top of the page, he showed me how to implant it into my html. He might do the same for you. Go check out his site.

Sea Horse Blog

Okay, I've been getting a little bitter lately and it's really been building up so I need to get this off my chest. There was a time when I was respected and widely regarded as one of the most magical creatures in the world. But these days, I am just not feeling the love. Sure, the Unicorn is pretty damned magical, so magical no one has ever even seen one. I concede. I mean, one might say that Unicorns don't actually exist. I'm not saying that. I'm just saying, it'd help their case a lot if they showed up once in a while. Nevertheless, Unicorns are the most magical creature ever. Fine. But lately some other animals have been getting some mention and it just doesn't make any sense. PANDA BEARS? Who in the hell decided that Panda Bears are magical? They're just bears! What's their magic power? Eating Bamboo sticks? Congratufrickinlations! You're a living wood chipper.

You want magic? I'll give you some magic. Did you know that male Sea Horses are the ones that get pregnant? That's right. Sea Horses are the Arnold Schwarzenegger of the animal world. What do I gotta do to get a little respect around here? Run for Governor? Do I need to grow a horn in the middle of my head and become Sea Unicorn? Is that what it's going to take to get you guys to give me a little magical respect? C'mon people! I'm a friggin' horse, in the friggin' sea! And if you can't appreciate that, well then maybe I need to pull my own little Unicorn stunt and disappear for a while. Maybe then you'll learn to have a little gratitude for the whimsical nature that I possess.

Nate's Guide to Joe Blogs Guide to America #1

Joe Blogs is a British bloke who is writing a guide to America. Upon his request, I have responded to his blog.

"There are 51 states, the 51st being the movie featuring Samuel L. Jackson, and Robert Carlyle."
Actually the 51st state is Canada. Sorry Puerto Rico, I know we said you were next, but uh...maybe next time.

"The President is George W. Bush. The USA is still a bit like the old west, Bush wants Bin Laden, Dead or Alive. I believe Clint Eastwood is on his trail for a fistful of dollars."
Actually, The US is much more like the future...say 2029 when the Terminator is now a state Governor.

"Celebrities are treated like British royalty. Brad Pitt and Anjolina Jolie are practically King and Queen. Well they do fly Monarch Airlines at least. The family are the Pitts though. And then you have Prince..."
Hmmm...I'm not comfortable claiming Prince as our own. We might treat our celebrities like British Royalty, but Prince acts like British Royalty. He's from Minnesota, but I'm going to assume he snuck over the Canadian border (before it was made a US State).

"Most of Americas clothes are dirty. They are X rated. XXXL that is."
America: More Cushion for the Pushin'.

"The cops love donuts. The teenagers love doing donuts in cop cars."
Guilty as charged.

"The Baseball World Series is held only in America, with American teams."
The Majority of the Major League Baseball Players were not born in America.

"US TV series are shown all around the world. So if this is an indication of the culture, it consists of, Friends, Desperate Housewives, Wife Swap, American Idols, and Sex In The City, and that's just on a Thursday night."
Sounds like somebody is jealous. If you don't like it you can get LOST, or head down to 24 to work out, or go hang out with some of those SCRUBS you call friends.

Go check out Joe Blogs.
The facts above may not be entirely true and are most likely completely false.

Jesus Blog

Man, I sure am bored. I really want to get back down there. Dad says I have to wait. It's not time yet. But I don't know, it sure seems like they need me. There's a lot of bad stuff going on down there, and what's worse is a lot of it is being done in my name. I didn't authorize any of that crap.

But when I go back, before I do any work, I'm going to have a little fun. I didn't take the time to enjoy myself last time. This time, I'm going to have a little me time. I think first, I'll find a really self righteous and greedy winery owner who has a huge vineyard and open up my own little wine stand across the street from him. I'll just have a hose connected to a fire hydrant and when the water comes out it'll be wine. I'll call it Jesus Juice, or JJ for short. And I'll give it away for free, and then that other guy's business will tank. I just have to make sure that if there is a fire nearby, I turn the fire hydrant wine back into water, because I think wine is flammable.

Oh, but before I do that, I have to hit a Krispy Kreme! Man those doughnuts are so good! They are to ascend for! I can't believe we don't have one up in Heaven.

And of course, the last thing I'll do before I get to work, is get myself a hooker. Because you know how I like to hang out with the prostitutes. And the best part is, I get to write it off as a business expense. "Thank you Mary, now go and sin no more."

Job Interview Blog

Boss: Welcome Nate, thank you for coming in today.

Nate: You're welcome. Thank you for having me.

Boss: Have a seat and let's just get started shall we?

Nate: Sounds great.

Boss: First off, are you awesome?

Nate: Yes. Definitely.

Boss: Can you give me an example of how you have been awesome recently?

Nate: The other day I saw a lady who I could have sworn was pregnant. And I really wanted to ask her when the baby was due. But I didn't, because I learn from my mistakes. And as it turns out, she wasn't pregnant, and I avoided a huge catastrophe. That was pretty awesome.

Boss: That is pretty awesome. Okay, what about rad? Are you rad?

Nate: Oh, indeed. I am rad to the max. My friends call me Rad Max.

Boss: Good. I don't need any examples of your radness, that response was more than enough proof. Let's see...do you rule?

Nate: Do I ever!

Boss: Can you prove it?

Nate: The other day I was playing World Series Of Poker on my Playstation 2 and I got 2nd place in a tournament of 1,377 computer generated people. I rule!

Boss: Yes, you certainly do. Okay you seem to have all the qualifications we are looking for. I'm happy to say welcome to the team, Nate.

Nate: Thank you very much! Can I go on break now?