Grumpy Old Man Blog

Dag-nabbit! The day I hate the most is here again! Halloween! All those greedy little kids with their grubby little hands will be ringing my doorbell all night long. Can't you see that my porch light isn't on you little bastards?! All I want to do is have a peaceful night at home watching re-runs of the Golden Girls. Them Golden Girls are so hot! When are they going to make the Golden Girls Gone Wild DVD? If I don't die before they make it, it will surely be the thing that kills me.

I tell you what, the first little mangy child that shows up to my door is getting a major whallop in the chin. It will be "Trick or..." PUNCH! And then I'll say, "What are you supposed to be little girl? Princess of Broken Nose Land?" Oh, that will be good. Maybe Halloween isn't so bad after all.

Political Attack Blog

(Best if read out loud with dramatic voice)

Nate's Left Arm is weaker than his Right Arm. His Left Arm will try to tell you that he is good at doing specialized activities like holding the phone, but isn't this just an excuse for being...noodley? His Left Hand can't even write. How specialized is that?

Take a look at Nate's Left Arm's voting record and you'll see some things you might not like. Nate's Left Arm voted YES on proposition 72 that would have allowed more vegetables to enter the body. Nate's Left Arm also voted YES on the High Five Appropriations Bill that would have authorized a reckless number of high fives to complete strangers as Nate passed them on the street. Nate's Left Arm is conservative on some issues, and liberal on others, that's a flip flop.

To make things worse, Nate's Left Arm was caught making an obscene gesture to a group of little girls. Is this the kind of Arm you want to keep in office?

Paid for by friends of Nate's Right Arm.

I'm Nate's Right Arm, and I approve this message.

My Mustache is Science Fiction

S Q T from Fantasy and Sci Fi Lovin' Blog wrote a science fiction story about my mustache. It's so funny I almost hesitate to send you there for fear of you realizing that I am a hack. But I gotta give a shout out for this amazing piece of work. Die hard fans will notice a lot of really good references. Check it out.

Where Have All the Ninjas Gone?

I just had a thought, and at first I thought I was really stupid for only thinking of this just now and not way earlier. But then I felt pretty smart because I must be the first person to have thought of this because obviously if someone else had thought of this it would already have happened. The thought I had is, "Why isn't the Army using more Ninjas?" I mean, think about it. The Army is in a war right now that was scheduled to end several years ago, and wasn't even originally billed as a war. They are apparently struggling with an insurgency. The problem is Iraqis have a different definition of "greeting as liberators" than Americans do. In their culture that means fire-bombing, flag burning, and rocket launching. This is merely a cultural difference, and one that our traditional Army may not be trained or equipped to handle.

It's not that the soldiers in Iraq are not good at what they do. In fact they are very talented men and women. I have watched quite a few documentaries on the Marines and the Navy SEALS (The Rock, The Marine, G.I. Jane) and they have a lot of similar traits to Ninjas. But the one quality that our Marines and SEALS possess that a Ninja does not, is sympathy. As the Iraqi insurgents place bombs under our soldiers' trucks, our men are taken aback by their sweet gestures. They think "Oh look, how thoughtful. He is greeting me as a liberator by killing my friends." And then instead of stopping the bomber by putting one swift bullet into his head, he merely takes him captive and tortures him. If Ninjas were in Iraq, that bomber would have been dead before he woke up that morning.

That brings up another issue that would be cleared up if the Army relied soley on Ninjas: Torture. Ninjas don't torture. Maybe they would if they had time, but unfortunately their victim was dead after the first blow. In fact, by Ninja standards, torture is when it takes two shots to kill a man.

Another benefit to using Ninjas in our Army is that the Draft would no longer be necessary. For a war like the one we are having in Iraq, you'd need like 5, maybe 6 Ninjas at most. So Cindy Sheehan could cool her jets and enjoy some much needed family time (at home).

Having Ninjas as our only soldiers would also make the Presiden't job a lot easier. If the American people demanded to know what the troops were doing, the President could hold a press conference and just be like, "I don't know what they are doing. They are Ninjas, you know? They're very secretive. Hard to keep track of." And everyone would be like, "Oh, yeah...that's a good point."

Ninjas are also very effective nation builders. One night the people of Iraq would go to sleep, and the next morning they'd wake up and look out their windows (or bomb holes) and....DEMOCRACY!

So I'm not sure what it's going to take to round up the Ninjas we are looking for. Maybe Chuck Norris has some sort of special Ninja whistle that only Ninjas can hear. I don't know. All I'm saying is let's stop wasting our time looking for alternative fuels, and see if we can't find an alternative soldier.

Blank Page Blog

Man, here I am, all alone. Completely blank. I sure wish someone would come and write something on me. Could be anything. Doesn't have to be something special, just something. Oh wait, what's this guy doing? He's writing on me! YES! He's...wait...what's he writing about? Ew, that's sick. Hey! Stop writing that! I don't want to be apart of this! That's illegal! I will not be a culprit in your sick and twisted crime. I don't want to be evidence in your court case someday. Look, you used pencil. You can erase all that writing right now and I'll be as good as new. Nobody has to know. I can't even remember what you wrote. I didn't see anything.

Look, seriously...if you don't stop this right now, I'm going to give you a paper cut. First I'll make it really hard for you to pick me up, and then when you finally do get me off the table I'm going to bend in an unexpected way and get you right underneath the fingernail. I swear I'll do it. You aren't the only cold hearted killer in the room. That's right. I'd give you a paper cut to the jugular if I could just get close enough. Don't test me.

Hey what are you doing? Stop it. Why are you crumpling me up? No don't throw me away! It was a great plan! You should definitely keep it! I really liked the part about using the knife instead of the gun so that no one would hear it. You've got something good going here. Don't toss it! Please don't throw me in the trash can with the post-it-notes and the used tissues!

AAAAAAHHHHHH!!!!!

Oh hey guys...um...no offense.

10 Easy Halloween Costumes

Hey kids! Halloween is right around the corner. Most of you probably have not figured out your costume yet because you're incredibly lazy, and even though you'll think about it 10 or 12 more times between now and the big night, you still won't get your act together. Slacker. But don't worry. Here are 10 easy costume ideas that are still scary and fun.

1. Hooker: Instead of saying "Trick or Treat!" you can just say "Trick!"
2. Nudist Zombie: Just be sure to keep your candy bag at waist level.
3. Salmonella Man: Take mom's chicken out of the freezer, let it thaw for an afternoon. Then if the little old lady doesn't give you some candy, give her a salmonella slap.
4. Clumsy Clyde: Nothing scares a homeowner like a lawsuit because someone got injured on their property. Run around their yard and pretend to get injured. They'll give you all the candy they have if you just get off their property.
5. Sexual Offender: They're scary, but they look just like everyone else.
6. Ghost of a Ku Klux Klan Member: You'll need one big white sheet, and one small white sheet.
7. Homeless Guy: Make a cardboard sign that says "Will Trick for Treat."
8. Child Actor in Horror Film: Are you 12? Are you pale? According to Hollywood you are terrifying.
9. Mel Gibson with Tourettes: All you need is a good Australian accent and a list of anti-Semitic words.
10. A Public Service Announcement: Go to each door and say "I'm the product of too much alcohol and unprotected sex." Now that's scary.

Like these costume ideas? Send me a picture of them in action and I'll give you a treat.

FAQ 2

It's time to clean out the mailbox and answer some Frequently Asked Questions.

Q: What is your greatest fear?
A: My greatest fear is that I will forget what my greatest fear is and then I will have the opportunity to face my fear but completely miss it because I will have forgotten what it is.

Q: What is your best personal trait?
A: My humility. I am extremely humble. And I am really proud of that because I think humility is the best possible quality a human could possess. And I have a lot of it. In fact, I'm going to go on record as saying I am the most humble person ever, therefore making me the best person ever.

Q: If you were evil, what would be your evil plan?
A: I would hire (or hypnotize if need be) Wolverine to work for me. Then he would be the world's most ruthless and unstoppable suicide bomber. I haven't worked the rest out yet.

Q: Are you a good dancer?
A: Yes. Check it out here

Please send your questions to nateisablog@gmail.com

Best Nate Smith Ever! part 3

It is time for the third match in my running competition called Best Nate Smith Ever! I have a bad feeling about this one, much like when I was in elementary school and I knew I was about to have my lunch money taken from me. The Nate Smith I am challenging today is owner of the web domain www.nate-smith.com. Already, that is cooler than me.

This Nate Smith is a musician currently living in New York. In contrast I am a comedian currently living in Portland. While being a comedian is cool, being a musician is cooler. Musicians always get the chicks. You don't see a lot of underwear getting thrown onto the stage during a comedy show. Well, there was that one time, but that was because I forgot my underwear and my mom ran up to the stage to give them to me.

As a comedian I'd probably be much better off living in New York like he is. New York is home to Saturday Night Live, The Daily Show, The Late Show with David Letterman, and a host of famous stand up and improv comedy clubs. At the same time, as a musician, this Nate Smith would probably be better off living in Portland. This area is home to great bands like Nirvana and the Shins. Maybe we should start a Nate Smith Exchange program.

Now, I couldn't get a hold of Nate Smith. The e-mail address listed on his site is defunct, and he has yet to answer my message I sent to his myspace page. He loses some major points there because a good Nate Smith always answers his e-mails promptly. You can test this by e-mailing me at nateisablog@gmail.com. Since I could not get a hold of Nate, I decided to interview him and use his bio from his website as his answers.

Q: Nate, where were you born?
A: Nate Smith, born in Missoula, MT.

Q: Have you always talked like a caveman?
A: My earliest influences were Stewart Copeland and Steve Gadd.

Q: And what are your influences now?
A: The New York Voices.

Q: I see...and how long have you been hearing voices?
A: Two summers.

Q: Sounds like someone might have experimented with a little drug use.
A: While in college.

Q: Where did you get these drugs?
A: From the drug chair.

Q: Okay...are you high right now?
A: Extensively.

I cut the interview short because you as you can see, he was high as a kite. And that is too bad for Nate, because as we learned during our childhood, Users are Losers. It rhymes so it must be true. Nate Smith, I am a better Nate Smith than you.

Wow, I didn't think I was going to win that one. If you are a Nate Smith or you know a Nate Smith and think he is better than me, bring it on. E-mail me at nateisablog@gmail.com and prove to me that you are The Best Nate Smith Ever!




The Best Nate Smith Ever! World Rankings
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Go to Best Nate Smith Ever! Part 4

Toucan Sam Blog

Man, I am so pissed! So, here I am just minding my own business, following my nose where ever it may go, and what happens? I find out that Cheerios has totally started to copy me. What the hell? I already have to fend off cheap imitators like "Fruit-O's", "Loops-O-Fruit" and "Fruit of the Loom". But now I have to deal with this? Cheerios is stabbing me in the back! Forget following my nose. Try following my foot as I shove it your ass, Cheerios.

Does Cheerios even have a mascot? I don't think they do. I imagine if they do it's some British pansy running around saying "Cheerio!" Either that, or a drooling baby. But what's the difference? That wouldn't even be a fair fight. I just wouldn't feel good about myself for beating up on a poor defenseless British guy. I'll have to retaliate in some other way.

Cheerios, be warned: It is on! I am going to unleash an army of new cereal products that may or may not be similar to your products. In the future keep an eye out for Frootless Loops, Honey Nut Loops without Froot, and Frosted Loops of the unfrooted variety. And if you don't like it, you can go cry to your Queen.

And Fruit of the Loom, be on the alert, we will soon be releasing an edible underwear called Fruit of the Loops. We're watching you.

Bitch Move

Pardon my french, but Cheerios has made the biggest bitch move in the history of cereal competition. Cheerios has released a new version of their beloved breakfast item.
Fruity Cheerios. Man, that looks really familiar. What does that remind me of?
Oh yeah. Fricking Froot Loops!Are you kidding me Cheerios? I mean, really? C'mon. Who are you trying to fool?




But I have noticed a trend in what seems to be blatant conceptual theft. Right after the Fruity Cheerios ad I saw on TV, there was an ad for a new TV show starring Taye Diggs. The concept is that Taye Diggs keeps living the same violent day over and over, and each day his girlfriend is killed until he finally puts all the clues together and solves the crime and saves the day. Sound familiar? What's the title for this show? 6 Feet In the Groundhogs Day ?

Well I hope Froot Loops strikes back and releases a retaliation breakfast item. I'd like to see Frootless Loops. Or maybe Froot Loops could be trend setters in the Cereal arena and move on from fruit. Maybe Froot Loops could bring together the sugary fun of a breakfast in a bowl, and the hearty goodness of a home-cooked breakfast with Meat Loops! MMMMMMMMMM.....

Goofy Headline

This headline and picture was on the front of CNN.com yesterday.

Social Worker Beaten to Death, Baby Missing

Now, is it me, or does this headline make it sound like the Baby is the suspect? "Social Worker Beaten to Death, Baby at Large!" But maybe the Baby did beat this woman to death. You can clearly see from the picture that this baby is not comfortable being held by this lady. Maybe the baby lashed out in a fit of rage and grabbed a nearby frying pan or rolling pin and went to town on the her.

Now let's look at the lady. I have reason to believe that this baby had a twin and was merely acting in self defense in order to avoid being eaten, because this lady looks hungry.

I think it is time that we search every dollhouse, playhouse, treehouse, show called House, and Speaker of the House, until we find this killer baby and bring it to justice!

Letter of Recommendation

Before letting me go, my boss told me I could write my own letter of recommendation for future employers and she would sign it. Here's what I submitted.

To Whom It May Concern:

Nate Smith worked for me for 2 years as my assistant. I am writing this letter of recommendation to confirm that his recent lay off from our company was not in any way related to his performance, and to highly recommend him as an employee for your organization.

Nate is a hard worker who gets tasks done accurately and on time. Nate has strong computer skills and is maybe the fastest typer I have ever seen. Nate also has incredible people skills. Also, Nate is a quick learner who takes direction well.

Furthermore, Nate smells good. I mean really good. I don't know what it is. I don't think it is a cologne of any sort, I think it is just his natural smell. Nate is also probably the strongest man in our company. You wouldn't know it just by looking at him, but I have seen him lift boxes that were way too heavy for him. He's like an ant!

I'm also pretty sure that Nate is a ninja master. I haven't seen him demonstrate any actual ninja skills, but I can't just tell by the way that he walks that he has some sort of martial arts skills. Also, one time a pen rolled off his desk and he caught it before it hit the ground. If that's not ninjastical, then I don't know what is.

I would also like to comment on Nate's good fashion sense. It can best be described by musician and poet, Jewel, who says he is "fashionably sensitive, but too cool to care." I would often ask him how long it took him to pick out his stunning outfits, and he would usually say, "Oh this, I didn't even realized it matched."

Finally, I would like to say that Nate is the best human being ever. There never has been, and there never will be a better person. EVER. That includes Jesus and Chuck Norris. Because essentially he is Jesus and Chuck Norris combined. He is Chuck Christ. So unless you are insecure and only hire people who are lesser than you, this is a no brainer. Hire Nate Smith or reap the whirlwind.

10 Reasons I'm Glad I Got Laid Off

I got laid off from my job on Thursday. Here are 10 reasons I'm glad it happened.

1. The chair in front of my computer at home is a lot more comfortable than the chair in front of my computer at work.
2. Better hours.
3. Better commute.
4. Saying "I got laid off" is the closest I've ever come to saying "I got laid."
5. More time to practice my nunchuck skills.
6. Everyday is a casual Friday.
7. I don't have to sign someone's birthday card every other day.
8. Better conversations around the water cooler.
9. I can finally start that Boy Band I've always dreamt about.
10. More time to Blog.

The Adventures Of Nunchuck Nate

Nunchuck Nate is a super hero armed only with nunchucks and a fierce sense of justice. In this installment of The Adventures of Nunchuck Nate, our hero is pitted against the Evil Genius Nevins Manafe.

Nunchuck Nate VS The Evil Genius Nevins Manafe...

Nunchuck Nate was diligently working on his Nunchucking skills in the basement of his Parents' house when suddenly his beeper went off.

"The chuck signal!" Nate said as he lunged to the beeper. It was the Commissioner. He quickly sprinted up the stairs to call him back. His mom was on the phone.

"Mom, get off the phone, I have to save the world!" he yelled.

"Nate, I'm on the phone with Grandma," his mom replied.

"UGGH!" Nate exclaimed as he ran out the door to look for a payphone.

"Nate, you're not wearing any pants!!!" his mother yelled. Nate had no time for pants. Justice was expecting his call. As he ran down to the corner of the street, he came across a payphone. He reached into his pocket for some change, and then realized he didn't have any pockets because he wasn't wearing pants.

"Drat!" he exclaimed. Behind him was an elderly homeless man who had a cup full of spare change. Nate asked him for a quarter to make his call, but the old man refused.

"This is all the money I have in the world. I need it so I can buy some food tonight," whined the old man. Without hesitating, Nate nunchucked the old man in the head rendering him unconsious.

"Sorry old man, it's for justice." Nate grabbed a quarter and made his call. The Commissioner answered. "Commissioner, how may my nunchucks best serve the cause of justice today?"

"Nunchuck Nate, the Evil Genius Nevins Manafe has unleashed a fiendish plot to sieze control of the city by placing subliminal messages all over the signs and billboards in the city! You must stop him!"

"I'm on it. To the Chuck Bus!" Nate then ran around the corner to where the bus stop was and patiently waited for the bus to arrive. Before it got there, Nate realized he had no money for bus fare, and went back to the homeless man's cup and stole some more change for justice. The bus arrived and Nate asked the driver to take him to the Evil Genius Nevins Manafe's Secret Lair. The driver had no idea what Nate was talking about but told him he could not deviate from his normal route. Luckily for Nate, the secret lair was located only a few blocks from one of the bus stops. Nate jumped off the bus and headed towards the lair.

Once inside the lair Nate easily snuck past Nevins Manafe's henchman and made it to Nevins' main control room. There sat Nevins Manafe, one of the most brilliant evil minds of our time, in his giant swivel chair.

"Hello Nevins," Nate said boldly. Nevins spun around to face him.

"Ah, Nunchuck Nate. I've been expecting you. But I was expecting you to wear pants."

"Justice doesn't wait for pants, Nevins. And it doesn't put up with the likes of you. Let's go."

Nevins laughed maniacally. "What makes you think I will go that easily?" he asked.

"Because I have nunchucks. I guess you're not so smart after all," Nate said with a sneer.

"Nunchucks, eh? Well I have Monkeys with Katana Swords," Nevins retorted. "Release the Katana Monkeys!" A dutiful henchman opened the monkey cage and got out of the way. The 4 monkeys started to run at Nunchuck Nate and he took his defensive stance and started swinging his nunchucks. Before the monkeys got half way there 2 of them killed themselves with their own swords, one started humping the leg of a henchman, and one took a dump in the corner.

"We hadn't really completed their training process," Nevins said with regret. "That's a shame." Then Nevins darted out of the room and down the hall. Nate chased after him. Two henchmen tried to stop Nate and he easily nunchucked their heads off (literally). Down the hall Nevins ducked into a room and closed the door behind him. Nate caught up and tried to open the door but it was locked. Nate swiftly nunchucked the door knob off and kicked in the door. Inside, the room was full of children playing with toys. Nevins stood at the other end of the room.

"What is this? A daycare?" asked Nate.

"Yes. Most of my henchmen are single fathers who can't afford a nanny. I think it's important that we take care of our children. Afterall, they are our future."

"Wow, maybe you're not so evil after all," said Nate. But just then Nevins picked up a baby and threw it at Nate. Nate nunchucked the baby out of the way and charged at Nevins. But Nevins had already slipped out through another door. Down the hallway Nate chased Nevins. It was too late, Nevins had already entered his escape pod. As the pod began to take off Nevins let out another maniacal laugh.

"Until we meet again Nunchuck Nancy!"

"It's Nunchuck Nate!" he yelled as the Pod flew away.

While the Evil Genius Nevins Manafe had slipped his grips, justice had prevailed. Now that Nevins had fled to a secret hideaway, the city was able to restore all their signs and billboards. Nunchuck Nate's job was done. Justice had been served. And now he could put his pants on.

To learn more about Nevins Manafe go to his blog . Nevins is not evil, but he is a genius. He makes things like banners for people and trades them for odd things like this story. Here is what he made for me.

The Dictator Wears Prada

Never in America’s history could anyone have imagined that our greatest threat would be a man named Kim. But that time has come. Kim Jong III has the bomb and says it is “to die for.” It is the perfect way to accessorize your dictatorial government.

Now, Kim Jong has never been a fan of America. I think it’s mainly because he envies our shoes. We used to laugh at him. “Oh Kimee, you’re so adorable when you’re angry.” But now he has the Bomb, and it’s just not cute anymore. We need to take action. Military action would of course be the most logical option. Unfortunately, our military is busy doing something else right now. Here are several alternative options for handling this situation.

1. Give him a starring role in a movie: He's always wanted to be in a Hollywood film, and if he's bombing in a movie, he won't feel the need to bomb America.
2. Drop loads of oversized sunglasses all over North Korea: The man loves his oversized sunglasses, and if he's busy running around picking these shaded treasures up, he won't have time to push the button (Or pull the lever).
3. Start a new Reality TV Show called "America's Next Toppled Regime": We don't have the means to fight real war with North Korea, but if Tyra Banks tells him he's out, what else can he do?
4. Double Dog Dare him not to bomb us: That always works.
5. We could all move to another country and not leave a forwarding address: I'm sorry, the country you have bombed is no longer occupied. Please hang up and try again.
6. Hide his house Keys: I don't know about you, but I can't get anything done if I know my keys are missing.
7. Download the Garden State Soundtrack onto his iPod: How can you launch a nuclear weapon while listening to the smooth stylings of Paul Simon?
   

11 Books

I've been tagged. Now Blake, Jen, and Skippy are it.

1. ONE BOOK THAT CHANGED YOUR LIFE?
Santa is Dead by Friedrich Nietzsche
I read this when I was 7 years old, and was never the same again.

2. ONE BOOK YOU HAVE READ MORE THAN ONCE?
How to Keep an Idiot in Suspense
The first page of this book says that the last page of the book will tell you how to keep an idiot in suspense. When you get to the last page, it says that the answer is on the first page.

3. ONE BOOK YOU WOULD WANT ON A DESERT ISLAND?
Eat This Book by Abbie Hoffman
A very tasty sequel from the author of Steal This Book

4. ONE BOOK THAT MADE YOU LAUGH?
This is Not a Book by Nate Smith
A collection of my best blog entries from over the year(s). This book will be released sometime in the future. (If you think this is a good idea, and would be a book worth reading/buying, let me know.)

5. ONE BOOK THAT MADE YOU CRY?
Snakes on a Plane
So much better than the movie! In the end, when Samuel L. and the Queen Snake finally kiss...It doesn't get any more romantic than that.

6. ONE BOOK YOU WISH YOU HAD WRITTEN?
The Bible by God
Man, talk about a sacrificial cash cow.

7. ONE BOOK YOU WISH HAD NEVER BEEN WRITTEN?
The Bible by God
I love it, and I read it, but there'd be a lot less war without it.

8. ONE BOOK YOU ARE CURRENTLY READING?
End-It-Yourself: A Suicidal Do-It-Yourself Book

9. ONE BOOK YOU HAVE BEEN MEANING TO READ?
Procrastination: Why You Do It, What to Do About It by Jane B. Burka

10. ONE BOOK YOU'RE GLAD YOU OWN?
Everyone Poops by Amanda Mayer Stinchecum
For a while I thought it was just me. I feel so much better now.

11. ONE BOOK THAT MUST BE READ ALOUD?
A Picture Book of Lewis and Clark by David A. Adler

"Published"

An earlier post of mine, Portlanders Protest Protesting, has been published at Demockeracy.com. It's an edited version, only 100 words, but you should check out the rest of the site. It's got some funny stuff.

Emotional Baggage Claim

As I stood at the Emotional Baggage Claim carousel waiting for my baggage to arrive, I couldn't help but make some observations. I realized everyone's emotional baggage looks almost exactly the same. I was waiting for my suitcase of anger, and each time I thought I saw mine, it was actually someone else's. Each bag looked almost identical but they all belonged to different people. I thought to myself, "Man, I thought I was the only person carrying around this much anger." Turns out, we are all dealing with pretty similar problems.

I also noticed that there was no impatience or frustration coming out of the carousel. People tend to take that in their carry-on bags. It's a good thing I had my frustration with me, because it was taking a long time for my baggage to come out.

Finally the carousel stopped. The man running the emotional baggage claim said, "That's it. If your bags didn't come out please come see me." About 20 people rushed over to him. I was third in line. The lady at the front was furious. Only one of her bags had arrived. Needless to say it was her anger.

"I'm sorry Ma'am, but your sadness about the death of your son seems to have been lost along the way. I'm not sure if we are going to be able to find it."

"What!? But that was mine! How can you have just lost it! I need it!" She exclaimed. I couldn't understand it. Why would she want that baggage? There was nothing in there that was useful. It's just a bunch of stuff that will clutter her space. She filled out the form the man gave her and scuttled off in a huff.

When it was my turn the man said, "I'm sorry sir, but your resentment for your sister's ex-boyfriends who treated her badly has been misplaced. Where would you like us to send it once we find it?"

"You know what? Just toss it out. I don't need it anymore."

Back Blog

I'm back. I want to thank you guys for your nice comments while I was away. I will get back into the groove sometime today once I catch up with my real work.

Away Message Blog

You have reached the Blog of Nate Smith. Nate can't come to the blog right now, but if you leave your name, blog address, and a brief message, Nate will get back to you as soon as he can. Nate will be out of town until Monday the 9th.

Should I Buy a Prosthetic Limb?

Should I Buy a Prosthetic Limb?

I have a tough decision I am trying to make and I need your help. Basically I am trying to decide if I should buy a prosthetic limb. Right away I should let you know that I am not currently missing any limbs. I am completely limbful. I am at 100% limb status. That being said, I’m still considering purchasing a prosthetic limb. What do you think?

You’re probably going to say no because I do not need one. But I think you are being way too hasty and aren’t looking at the big picture. But you’ll just ignore that and try to tell me that buying a prosthetic limb when I don’t need one is immoral and an insult to those who really do need one. You’ll probably give me some sob story about little Jimmy who lost his leg in a freak Easy Bake Oven accident and needs a brand shining new leg and I might be taking the last one. Well first of all, Jimmy and I are probably not going to need the same size leg, so don’t worry. But again I tell you, you aren’t looking at the big picture. Haven’t you ever heard of supply and demand? If I buy a prosthetic limb, that will create more demand for prosthetic limbs, which in turn will force the prosthetic limb manufacturers to create a greater supply of them. The hike in supply will cause the price to go down. And then Jimmy will be able to get his tiny little fake leg for a much cheaper price. There you go Jimmy. Mobility is on me.

So now that I clearly have demolished your argument that purchasing a prosthetic limb, while still having all of my real limbs, is immoral, you will try to tell me that buying a prosthetic limb is stupid because I don’t need one. Well, you don’t need that iPod, but there it is right there in your pocket blasting “My Humps” by the Black Eyed Peas (I love that song too!). So yes, maybe I don’t need a prosthetic limb right now. But who’s to say I won’t need one in the future? You apparently were never a boy scout. Always be prepared. You don’t go on a long road trip with out a spare tire do you? Well life is one long road trip and you never know when you might lose a limb. Little Jimmy’s parents didn’t love him enough to have a spare limb on hand (so to speak) and he had to spend the whole weekend waiting for his new leg to arrive in the mail. In the meantime all of Jimmy’s friends had a blast playing on their brand new roller blades.

Even if I never lose one of my real limbs, having an extra one can still be very handy. For instance, don’t you ever get tired of only getting half the credit for winning a three-legged race? And wouldn’t it be nice to have an extra hand that your girlfriend could hold so that you can still have access to both of your other hands? Or what about at concerts when you want to hold a lighter in the air but your arm is just too tired? The possibilities are endless. Here is a short list of possible uses for an extra limb.

1. Designated “High Five” hand for people who give annoyingly strong high fives.
2. Now you can get that tattoo you always wanted without dealing with the pain.
3. You can literally have a “leg up” on the competition.
4. Decoy leg for horny dogs.
5. Portable cup holder.
6. If you get drunk, your third leg can serve as a kickstand.
7. At night, drape your third arm over your wife’s shoulder and get points for cuddling.
8. Destroy the competition when playing Twister.
9. Drive and talk on the cell phone at the same time.
10. Run 33% faster! (This may or may not be true.)

Well that settles it. Jimmy and I are off to buy some prosthetic limbs and a new Easy Bake Oven. You want one?

Portlanders Protest Protesting

PORTLANDERS PROTEST PROTESTING

Portland, Oregon (Nate Smith) -- Protesting has been a longstanding tradition for Oregonians. Portlanders have been protesting ever since Oregon was founded. The first protest in Oregon occurred along the end of the Oregon trail when the very first PETA members were outraged at the excessive hunting of buffalo along the way. The very first protest sign in Oregon said "You have killed 268 pounds of buffalo. You can only carry 100 back to your wagon."

Protesting in Portland has long been a time honored tradition, but now the honor is gone. Protesters have become unruly and a disturbance to the city. Portlanders are sick and tired of protesters interrupting their weekends and clogging their traffic. And now they are ready to get rid of these pesky protesters, using the only method they know--Protesting.

This weekend Portlanders took to the streets to spread their message. The message is, "We don't want people taking to the streets to spread their messages anymore." Anti-Protest Protester Mark Watterson explained his position.

"I'm just sick and tired of these people with their opinions coming out here with their signs and thinking they are going to make a change that way. If you have an opinion, put it on a bumper sticker, where opinions belong. That's how you make change."

Mark went on to say that he is tired of being woken up on Saturday mornings by "shouting nut jobs with nothing better to do." That's why this Saturday he was on the street at 7am to put a stop to it.

The group caused quite a scene as they chanted "1, 2, 3, 4! We don't want to hear you anymore! 5, 6, 7, 8! Stop yelling outside our gate!" They started off small, but then their numbers grew as other Portlanders joined along.

"I'm not sure what their cause is, I just love to protest things," said Carol Berkley, a Portland resident and protesting enthusiast.

Along with loud chants, the angry mob was also equipped with clever signs. One sign read, "I DE-Test your PRO-Test!" Another said, "LA LA LA! We're not listening!" And yet another said, "Make Love not War!" But that one may have snuck in from another protest down the street.

At the end of the day, Mark Watterson feels like they made their point loud and clear. Portlanders aren't going to put up with protesting anymore, and they won't stop protesting until it stops.