Nate is a Father

Wondering where Nate went? He's at improvisingfatherhood.com. You should be too!

Stay Tuned

For all you loyal reader...s out there, please stay tuned. Nate is a Blog is going to have a new blog site with a new name. As soon as it's up and ready I'll let you know more about it. Thanks for being patient.

10 Machines I'd like to see as Transfomers in Transformers 2

Michael Bay and his goons are already hard at work on the sequel to the first Transformers movie. The first one was great because we got to see all the characters we had grown to love as children. But for this go around, I'd like to see some new characters emerge.

10 Machines I'd like to see as Transformers in the Sequel

1. Short Bus: An Autobot named Helmet.
2. Wrecking Ball Crane: This could be Optimus Prime's wife which he would refer to as his ol' Ball & Chain.
3. Claw Vending Machine AKA the Crane Game at Wal-Mart: This Autobot would have all sorts of useful weapons inside of him, but in order to get them out, the other Autobots have to play him.
4. Blackberry: This Decepticon would be the first legitimate iPhone killer.
5. Nintendo Wii Fit: This Decepticon would take the "slowly but surely" route to killing humans by tricking children into thinking they are working out until eventually all humans are fat blobs and we have no chance to defend ourselves.
6. Treadmill: I'm pretty sure treadmills already are evil robots set out to destroy us. See this video for proof.
7. Battery Charger: This would be another Decepticon that would trick you into thinking it is charging your precious batteries, and then when you need battery power the most, you've been Decepticonned!
8. Transformer (as in the power generator): "Transformer! More than meets the name!"
9. Stupid Japanese Trumpet Playing Robot: "Oh, that robot is useless...it's just playing the trumpet. It's not even actually playing the trumpet. It's just holding a trumpet to its face and emitting trumpet sounds from its speakers. Big deal....WAIT! IT TURNED INTO A BIGGER SCARIER ROBOT! OH GOD! IT'S KILLING EVERYONE!"
10. Al Gore: He is a robot...right?

Obama's Picks for VP

So according to this article at CNN.com Barack Obama and his crack squad of strategirizers are discussing their top 20 possible choices for Obama's Vice President. Barack is keeping the list to himself which, if you ask me, is pretty elitist. Everyone is expecting an elite list (there he goes again!) of politicians. But I'd like to see Obama get a little more creative with his choice for VP. Here are my ideas.


10 People I Hope Barack Obama Chooses as Vice President

1. Bill Clinton: I'd like to see Barack's vindictive side come out by forcing the former first lady to now be the second lady.
2. Stephen Colbert: I put him on this list just hoping to get the "Colbert Bump."
3. Oprah: Let's spread the "everyone gets a car!" love around a little more.
4. Michael Jackson: Then people will stop saying Barack isn't black enough.
5. John McCain: It's hard to run for President when you're also running for Vice President against yourself.
6. Donald Trump: If Barack wants to shake up Washington, he's going to need someone on his side who knows how to say, "You're Fired!"
7. Osama Bin Laden: Maybe if they are standing next to each other West Virginians will finally realize they are not the same guy.
8. Christopher Walken: I'd just really love to hear him talk about taxes.
9. Amy Poehler as Hillary Clinton: Hillary Clinton as VP would be annoying, but Amy Poehler as Hillary Clinton as VP would be hillarious!
10. Dick Cheney: Sometimes you just need a guy who is willing to shoot people in the face.

X-Rayted Security

I just read an article on USATODAY.com that says 10 airports have installed new body scanner machines that are capable of seeing through people's clothing...for security reasons. This has raised a lot of questions, but my only question is where do I apply? For years the job of airport security has been considered one of the worst jobs ever. You sit in a dingy crowded airport regulating the traffic of angry rushing passengers for low pay. Not a lot of fun...until now! Leave your quarters at home because you get paid to watch this peep show. And don't be sheepish. You need to really scrutinize those body parts to make sure there isn't something dangerous in there.

I have a feeling the airport security's terrorist profile is going to change from middle eastern men to cheerleaders.

Are Wii Fit or are Wii Fat?

Video games have always given the children of America the chance to live out their fantasies in a digital reality. Whether they dreamt of being an italian plumber who could break bricks with his fist, a frog trying to cross a busy street, or simply a floating stick, video games made it happen. And now the makers of the Nintendo Wii are giving American children the chance to live out their wildest dream yet, the dream of being fit.

It's ironic really. Back in the days before video games, in order to live out their fantasies, kids had to play games outside. They would run around playing cops & robbers, or pretend to be captains of spaceships. Or they would play sports and make believe they were their favorite sports heroes. Back then kids were in shape.

Then video games came along. Suddenly kids could be whoever they wanted to be right in the comfort of their home with a plate of cookies within reach. It was video games that made the kids of America fat. And now that their biggest dream is to get fit, what's the solution?

Video games.

I sure hope Nintendo comes out with Wii Work* so these newly fit kids can get a job someday.

*Wii Work (copyright 2008 Nate Smith)

Twitterize your life

I recently jumped on the Twitter bandwagon. Now I am constantly telling my friends, and some strangers, what I am doing at all times. For those of you who don't know, twitter.com is a social site where people can keep in quick constant contact with others by simply answering one question, "What are you doing?" It's kind of like when you are using an instant messenger program, or facebook or myspace, and it has that status message that tells everyone what you are up to...except...it's just the status message and nothing else. It's complicated, I know.

Anyway, I've been keeping people updated on what I'm doing at all times, except there are some times when I don't want people to know what I am doing. For instance, when I'm throwing a fit because they put vegetables on my cheeseburger even though I expressly requested no vegetables on my cheeseburger, I don't tell people about that. So I realized I am selectively telling people what I am doing. I am giving people a false sense of who I really am, because I am only telling them about the good things I am doing. Then I realized I could take this one step further. Not only could I make people think I am a better person than I really am by not telling them about bad things I do, but I could make people think I am a really good person by telling them I'm doing really good things that I'm not actually doing. Because how would they know? It's twitter! There's no accountability here.

To follow my every fake action, go to twitter.com/natesmithlive

The In-Blank-ble Hulk

So Universal Pictures has basically decided to shake the etcha-sketch on their original Incredible Hulk movie, which they released in 2003, and start all over this time with Edward Norton as the big green hero. Now most people will agree the first one wasn't that great and could really use a makeover. But I say, why stop at changing the writers, actors, and director? Let's change the character too! That whole "You won't like me when I'm angry," thing is so over done. So instead of a new Incredible Hulk movie, let's see a movie about a different kind of Hulk.

10 Hulk Movies I'd rather see. (In no particular order!)

1. The Infallible Hulk : Instead of Edward Norton as the Hulk, how about the Pope?

2. The Inedible Hulk: I will not eat Green Eggs and Hulk.

3. The Indisputable Hulk: The Hulk enters himself into the Mr. Universe body building contest, and is losing, until he gets very angry and becomes the clear winner.

4. The Insatiable Hulk: The Hulk cruises through the red light district in a desperate attempt to satisfy his inner urges.

5. The Intangible Hulk: This is a sequel to the Hulk movies, where he comes back as a ghost.

6. The Inconceivable Hulk: I really can't imagine what this would be.

7. The Indescribable Hulk: In this movie, the Hulk would be this kind of...well, he would be a big...you know...it's hard to put it into words. You'll just have to see it.

8. The Interchangeable Hulk: So at first Eric Bana would be the Hulk, and then it would be Edward Norton....

9. The Indecipherable Hulk: The Hulk is a college professor with a speech impediment. Frustrated by his students' inability to understand him, all Hulk breaks loose. (I am copyrighting that brilliant tag line!)

10. The Inadmissible Hulk: Roger Clemens' lawyer attempts to admit the Hulk as evidence in his steroids trial, but the judge won't allow it.

Nate is a part time Blog

If this site makes you laugh, and you wish it was updated more frequently, please donate to the Best Nate Smith Ever! using one of the options below.

"But Nate, why should I give you any money?"

Well, respected reader, I'd like to spend 40 hours a week working on this blog so that every time you visit you have something new to laugh at. But until I can make as much money from this as I do from my job, I can't convince my wife to let me quit my day job. So you can either donate a few bucks, or break up my marriage...but I really like my marriage.

To make a payment via check, money order, cash, or gold bars, please use the following mailing address:

Best Nate Smith Ever!

PO Box 426

West Linn, OR, 97068

Please make your checks payable to Nate Smith.

Don't have any money? Here are a list of 10 things I will take as donations instead of money.

1. Nunchucks

2. Any other ninja weapons

3. really cool notebooks

4. a job writing for a late night talk show.

5. high fives. (Please deliver this one in person)

6. Mike & Ikes

7. Mt. Dew

8. The name and contact information of a Nate Smith that you think I should challenge in the Best Nate Smith Ever! contest.

9. A real live Unicorn (no fakes will be accepted)

10. Something that I could easily sell for money.

Best Nate Smith Ever! Part 6 - Revenge of the Smith

That's right gang! The world's greatest competition is back! No, I'm not talking about American Gladiators, but yes that is back too and it is AWESOME! I love watching semi-fit 30 somethings having knee injuries in front of a live studio audience. But the contest I'm talking about is BEST NATE SMITH EVER! Many of you are familiar with this contest, but for those of you who are not, you might want to read Parts 1 through Death, which you can find on the right side of my blog under my list of "Best Nate is a Blogs Ever!"

It has been a long time since the last BNSE! contest. The reason for that is simple. Ninja Nate Smith. My life was threatened, and in order to prove that my life as a Nate Smith is better than other Nate Smiths, I have to actually have a life. But I have been called out. This Nate Smith here has contacted me via email. Before I go on, I want to say that while email is still a valid way to contact me, I'd really prefer to be contacted via my very own Nate Signal.

Now...let the brutality begin! When this Nate Smith first contacted me, he started off by telling me that he writes for a newspaper, which was pretty exciting. But things are not always as exciting as they seem. In his email he said "I write for the Washington Times" and I was like, "Woah!" But I continued reading that sentence and realized it said, "I write for the Washington Times-Herald" and I was like, "Oh...but that's still cool. I wonder where it's located." So I continued reading. "I write for the Washington Times-Herald in Washington" and I was like, "Jackpot!" But then I finished the sentence. "I write for the Washington Times-Herald in Washington Indiana." WTF!?!?! Saying that you write for the Washington Times-Herald in Washington Indiana, is like saying you went to the University of Miami in Ohio, which in turn is like saying you are serving Chicken of the Sea Tuna. There's no chicken in the sea, there's no Miami in Ohio, and there's no Washington in Indiana. And sure, you can get technical and say that all of these things actually do exist, but don't try to pass them off like they are a big deal. You know what, I actually write for a pretty big news organization as well. That's right. I am a writer for CNN.com...in their blogs section...as a freelance commenter.  

And the deception continues. Big Shot Nate Smith goes on to say, "I have won one award." Ooh! Fancy! Wait, let's read the whole sentence. "I have won one award, a third place..." No, Big Shot Nate Smith, you did not win an award. You won a concession. He then goes on to say "I won a second place award..." Wait a minute! Which is it? Did you win one award or two awards? I guess this is the kind of journalistic integrity you can expect from a staff writer for an Indiana newspaper that tries to pretend it is the Washington Times.

That being said, I checked out Big Shot Nate Smith's newspaper at washtimesherald.com and it turns out they are pretty legit. The paper itself has a circulation of about 9,100 people on a daily basis, and just recently won first place for deadline news reporting for Division 4 Newspapers. Big Shot Nate Smith himself, won two more 2nd place awards for his writing this year. I on the other hand have this blog, which has a circulation of about 14 people on a weekly basis and has won no legitimate awards. When you look at it from that stand point, Big Shot Nate Smith seems like the clear choice for Best Nate Smith Ever! But...let's look at it from another stand point. Does he look as awesome as I do with a mustache?

No, clearly he does not. He looks ridiculous. Therefore, I am going to have to rule in favor of myself today. I am the Best Nate Smith Ever!

Now I realize there are about 9,100 in Indiana who might disagree with me. If you want to defend Big Shot Nate Smith's honor, I am willing to listen. Post a comment and state your case. There are two things you must do to catapult Big Shot Nate Smith to victory. One is present a picture of BSNS with a mustache that looks more awesome than I do. The other is for 1,000 Washington Times-Herald readers to visit this site.If you do both of these things, I will claim Big Shot Nate Smith as the Best Nate Smith Ever! Good luck!

For the 14 of you who are my regular readers, you can check out Big Shot Nate Smith's writing at this link here.

Best Nate Smith Ever! World Rankings

1. Ninja Nate Smith

2. Nate Smith Comedy

3. Big Shot Nate Smith

4. Banjo Nate Smith

5. High Nate Smith

X. Fire Pirate Nate Smith (Murdered by Ninja)

X. Crooked Hat Nate Smith (stabbed by Ninja in extremely large neck)

Lions, Tigers and Squares, Oh My!

According to this article (see here) Stephen Hawking is going on safari. He's traveling through South Africa in search of Africa's Einstein. I immediately had a flurry of ideas to write on this topic all of which seemed dead set on offending either Africans, or people in wheelchairs. So instead, here are the

Top 10 posts about Stephen Hawking going to Africa that I won't write.

1. Hawking does Circles of Life in his wheelchair.

2. Hawking receives standing ovation, the ultimate insult.

3. Genius gets sunburn. 

4. Hawking visits Africa, cures AIDS in 2 days.

5. Hawking has mosquito net installed on wheelchair.

6. Hawking changes theory to "African Holes."

7. Hawking studies Big Bang in Africa, returns with Jungle Fever.

8. Super Genius in wheelchair visits Africa, locals were hoping for Superman in wheelchair.

9. Hawking goes to Africa, wheelchair overheats.

10. Hawking searches for African Einstein...or Don King.

2nd Place, A Major Put Down

Sports history was made this week at the prestigious Kentucky Derby when the runner up horse, Eight Belles, was euthanized on the track. Now a lot of people are saying this is a tragedy, but I say one horse’s big sleep is another horse’s big wake up call. Finally winning is important again. As a child I grew up with a poster on my wall that said “I play to win,” but for years now I’ve had to listen to yuppies drone on about how doing your best is all that matters. They say things like “Everyone is a winner!” and “It’s not whether you win or lose, but how you play the game.” But not the folks at the Kentucky Derby. They say, “If you’re not a winner, you’re a goner.” And I applaud that mentality. Kids need to learn that it’s a tough world out there and that doing your best doesn’t matter unless it happens to be better than everyone else’s best.
I think we should institute a “Win or Die” policy in more competitive arenas. Now I’m not proposing we kill everyone who loses, just the competitors who come in second place. This would really up the intensity of all those championship games that end up being blow outs. For example, if the Colorado Rockies knew they were going to be euthanized when they lost to the Boston Red Sox in the 2007 World Series, they would have let the Arizona Diamondbacks play them instead. Then we might have had a much more interesting World Series to watch.
And I don’t think we should single out sports with this new policy. I think we should put down the runner up in any major contest.Take the Democratic Primaries for example. Once the Democratic Nominee is elected, the runner up should be shot. Of course if Barack Obama wins, we run a strong chance of them both being shot.
What I’m trying to say is, someday I hope to have a son of my own. And I hope that, just like me, he’ll grow up with an inspirational poster on his wall. But instead of it saying, “I play to win,” it will say, “I play to not die.”

Go BLANK Yourself!

Every now and then life hands you a moment in which the absolute perfect response is to yell "Go f@#k yourself!" But sometimes life hands you those moments while you are standing next to an impressionable child, running for public office, or devoting your life to being a monk. It is during these times that I suggest the following alternatives.

Top 10 non-foul-mouthed ways to fill in the blank for the phrase "Go BLANK yourself!"

1. Go punch Yourself! Especially effective if the intended receiver is a boxer.
2. Go delete yourself! Good for online banter.
3. Go know thyself! Great for outbursts during bible study.
4. Go suck yourself! Tell that vaccuum who's boss.
5. Go explode yourself! Should be shouted from a distance.
6. Go Britney Spears yourself! Because whatever she did to herself, it’s worse than what you want them to do to themselves.
7. Go fix yourself! Either a much more productive request, or a request for them to cut off their junk.
8. Go blog yourself! That’s the hip thing these days.
9. Go puncture yourself! Good for any occasion.
10. Go tell yourself to "Go f@#k yourself!"! It doesn't keep it clean, but it messes with their head.

iBGTD

Several weeks ago, I wrote about how I am in need of a new PDA (see iDGTD). The problem is, I am a bit of a slacker and need someone to keep me on task so that I can get things done. After doing quite a bit of research, I think I have finally found the perfect person to be my Personal Data Assistant. Dick Cheney. He just spent 8 years being the President’s PDA, and seeing as how he’s going to be out of a job soon I thought he’d like to do some work in the private sector for a while. And with Cheney as my PDA, my motto would be iBGTD, as in, “I Better Get Things Done...or Dick Cheney will shoot me in the face.” (I just wanted to get the quail hunting joke out of the way early)

Here are 10 reasons Dick Cheney would be the perfect Personal Data Assistant.

1.He doesn’t give in to peer pressure. And by peer pressure I mean 80% of the nation.
2.Every time he asks you to do something, you can assume it is probably his last dying wish.
3.If you don’t do what Dick Cheney says, the terrorists win.
4.Look at that picture. Do you have the balls to tell him no?
5.When he makes threats like, “if you don’t take out the trash I will eat your baby!” you know he means it.
6.You don’t want to mess with him because he probably still has access to a few nukes.
7.He’s proven that he can accomplish his goals no matter how many forms of government try to stop him.
8.When trying to get out of doing something, you can’t appeal to his good side, because he doesn’t have one.
9.He’ll do your dirty work for you.
10. If you don’t do what he says, he’ll shoot you in the face. (Okay, I ran out of reasons)

I Have Financial Aids

So my wife and I decided (okay, just my wife decided) that we should meet with a financial advisor to make sure we were on the right track fiscally. We’ve got a mortgage, and a car payment, and my undying addiction to Mt. Dew to deal with, and we want to invest our money wisely so that some day we can stop living paycheck to paycheck. So we signed up to meet a financial advisor. Now, in our relationship, Ashley is the brains of the operation. I am...well really I am the ass of the operation. I’m not that smart, I sit around a lot, and I kind of smell bad. So Ashley controls all of our finances and she knows what’s up. That being said, she is not a monetary master, and the last time she met with a financial advisor, he made her feel like an idiot. The worst part is, at the end of the meeting he asked her, “Now, will your husband be joining us next time?” As if to assume I would have a better grasp of the situation. This really offends me. Do I look like the kind of guy who would know a lot about money?So today I am going with Ashley to meet this guy, and it is my goal to make it abundantly clear that I am not in any way helpful when having a financial conversation.

Here are 10 questions I plan on asking during my Financial advisory meeting.

1. Can you give me advice on how to get my face on the dollar bill?
   
2. I’ve been told I should put my money in a CD, but don’t you think music is going to be completely digital soon?
   
3. Should I buy Boardwalk?
   
4. If have more money than I can hold in my wallet, what’s another good place to keep my money?
   
5. I’ve been told that the Lottery is for entertainment purposes only and should not be used for investment, but it seems like a pretty good investment to me.
   
6. My Grandpa knew how to pull quarters out of my ear. Can you do that?
   
7. Should I be taking more advantage of that whole “Give a penny take a penny” thing?
   
8. People often say, “You have to spend money to make money.” I’ve been spending money like crazy. When does the making money part happen?
   
9. If I had a vault of coins like Scrooge McDuck, would I really be able to swim through it?
   
10. How much should I pay someone to give me financial advice?
    

Hobophobia

I have a confession to make. I am hobophobic. Now, before you get all up in arms and start having parades all up and down my neighborhood, look closely. I didn’t say I’m homophobic, I said I am HOBOphobic. I have an intense fear of Hobos. And I’m not talking about homeless people. I’ve got no beef with them, nor do I fear them. I’m talking specifically about Hobos. Train riding, pie stealing, no-teeth having, Hobos.
Now, a lot of people might be thinking, “what’s wrong with Hobos? They’re harmless.” But that is a damn lie. When you think of Hobos what is the first thing you picture? A sack tied to the end of a stick, right? But have you ever wondered what they really carry in those sacks? Have you ever noticed the size of those sacks? They are the size of a human head! And that is exactly what those so-called harmless Hobos are carrying around all the time. The head of their most recent victim. Why else would they choose to live the lifestyle that they do? If you had lopped off someone’s head and were carrying it around in a sack tied to a stick, would you stay in one town for very long? No, you’d hop on the nearest train you could and ride it to the next town where you could find your next victim.

That’s why every time I hear the train near my house, I take my pies off the window sill and immediately lock up all the doors and windows. And if you don’t want to end up with your head in a sack, you should too.

He Was a Hanger of Cliffs

It might be a little late for me to be reviewing the movie Cliffhanger, starring Sylvester Stallone, but I watched it for the very first time today. Cliffhanger was just one of those movies that I didn’t get a chance to see in the theaters. So when I saw that I could watch it for free on my Comcast On Demand service, I took a leap of faith (hell yes that pun was intended).
Now, I’m not sure if this movie was good when it originally played in theaters, but it sure didn’t stand the test of time. You know how sometimes you don’t see a movie for a long time, and then you finally rent it and it was so good that you are like, “Man, I can’t believe I didn’t see that sooner. I’m an idiot!” Or other times you are like, “Man, that movie was horrible. No wonder I didn’t watch that in the first place. I’m an idiot!” I guess what I’m trying to say is that I’m always an idiot, but this time I was the second kind.
For a movie titled Cliffhanger you’d think there’d be a lot of moments where you are like, “I wonder what’s going to happen next!” That really wasn’t the case, although there were a lot of times where I was like, “I wonder how bad it is going to get next!” And I have to say, I was consistently surprised at how bad it got at each turn.I guess now I know why this movie was one of the free options in On Demand. But maybe, in order to make the service a little more accurate, they should shorten the name and just simply call it On.

iDGTD

Staying on task has always been a bit of a problem for me. It’s not that I don’t want to get things done, it’s just that my brain doesn’t necessarily...work. You could say my mind is like a steel trap, except the hinge is completely broken. So really my mind is a big heavy sharp paper weight.
So when it comes to getting things done, or as the cyber community calls it, GTD, unless I have a really good system in place, I DGTD (don’t get things done). I’ve tried all the usual task management techniques and none of them seem to work for me. That’s why I’ve decided to get a Personal Data Assistant. No, I’m not getting a Palm Pilot or some other fancy schmancy electronic device. I am literally going to hire an assistant who’s sole job will be to manage all of my personal data. This of course won’t be an easy job by any means. Let’s just say I have a lot of personal data.

So how will I find the perfect PDA? What are my options? For starters, there’s my wife. I have to admit, having someone keep me organized and remind me of all those important dates that I can never seem to remember (like anniversaries) is a major part of why I got married in the first place. And my wife is amazing at remembering important information. If my mind is a paper weight, hers is a super computer. She can hold seemingly an infinite amount of information in her brain, and she remembers EVERYTHING! (Especially things involving me being wrong.) Unfortunately, while her mind is like a computer, I apparently don’t have administrative privileges. Rather than keeping me on task with all the things I want to get done, she seems to only be able to keep me on task with the things SHE wants me to get done. Things like doing the dishes, taking out the trash, and paying attention to her.

So maybe my wife isn’t the perfect PDA. I guess I’ll have to hold a series of official try outs to find the best Personal Data Assistant. Check back later to see the results.

I'm Not Leaving...On a Jet Plane!

Recently hundreds of thousands of Americans have been stranded in Airports as their flights have been cancelled. This is a serious problem and if it is not solved soon, the end result could be 300,000 Americans turning into Tom Hanks’ character from “The Terminal.”

The reason this crisis has occurred, according to airline officials, is that a majority of their planes have failed the Federal Aviation Administration safety inspections. BORING! If my flight is going to be delayed and I have to sit in an airport and eventually become a Hangar Hobo (I just coined that) then I want a better excuse than, “Sorry, we just don’t think our planes are very safe.” Give me an excuse with a little more...zazz!

Here are are 10 excuses I’d rather hear for why my flight has been cancelled.

1. “Literally there are snakes on the plane.”
   
2. “Sorry, your flight has been cancelled due to explosion.”
   
3. “Your plane is currently under attack by ninjas.”
   
4. “Turns out your plane was a decepticon, and it has murdered the pilot.”
   
5. “Your pilot is afraid of heights.”
   
6. “We are almost ready. We just had to make a minor repair to the plane but we ran out of duct tape.”
   
7. “We are just waiting for your pilot’s suicide medication to take effect.”
   
8. “We lost your plane.”
   
9. “Everything is ready to go, we just need a little more time to root through your luggage.”
   
10. “Global warming?”
    

Nate is a Juror

Great...I've been chosen for Jury Duty. I got a letter in the mail and was assigned a number. I checked the website the night before the case and my number was called in. Damn. I went to the court house the day of the case and my number was called again. Damn. I went into the court room with the other jury hopefuls (maybe hopelesses?) and I was asked to stay. Damn. Apparently, I'm just too normal. If only I had the logic and reasoning skills of a stray dog, I could have gotten myself excused. But no. Because I am able to put the differences between me and the defendant aside and judge the defendant based on the facts, I qualify. (By the way, I want you to notice how good I am being about not revealing actual details of the case, going so far as not even mentioning the fact that the defendant is a woman...damn it!) 

So here I am, eating a horrible ham sandwich (which is paid for so I guess the standards don't need to be that high) while I wait to be called back into the court room where I will listen to a defense lawyer who is horrible at pronouncing names (he almost botched 'Smith') and prosecuting attorney who is young and hip looking but when he speaks you realize his voice is way to low for his size (stop trying compensate for your adorable and youthful looks). Meanwhile, the judge seems to be asleep even when he is talking. Damn...