Grumpy Old Man Blog

Dag-nabbit! The day I hate the most is here again! Halloween! All those greedy little kids with their grubby little hands will be ringing my doorbell all night long. Can't you see that my porch light isn't on you little bastards?! All I want to do is have a peaceful night at home watching re-runs of the Golden Girls. Them Golden Girls are so hot! When are they going to make the Golden Girls Gone Wild DVD? If I don't die before they make it, it will surely be the thing that kills me.

I tell you what, the first little mangy child that shows up to my door is getting a major whallop in the chin. It will be "Trick or..." PUNCH! And then I'll say, "What are you supposed to be little girl? Princess of Broken Nose Land?" Oh, that will be good. Maybe Halloween isn't so bad after all.

Political Attack Blog

(Best if read out loud with dramatic voice)

Nate's Left Arm is weaker than his Right Arm. His Left Arm will try to tell you that he is good at doing specialized activities like holding the phone, but isn't this just an excuse for being...noodley? His Left Hand can't even write. How specialized is that?

Take a look at Nate's Left Arm's voting record and you'll see some things you might not like. Nate's Left Arm voted YES on proposition 72 that would have allowed more vegetables to enter the body. Nate's Left Arm also voted YES on the High Five Appropriations Bill that would have authorized a reckless number of high fives to complete strangers as Nate passed them on the street. Nate's Left Arm is conservative on some issues, and liberal on others, that's a flip flop.

To make things worse, Nate's Left Arm was caught making an obscene gesture to a group of little girls. Is this the kind of Arm you want to keep in office?

Paid for by friends of Nate's Right Arm.

I'm Nate's Right Arm, and I approve this message.

My Mustache is Science Fiction

S Q T from Fantasy and Sci Fi Lovin' Blog wrote a science fiction story about my mustache. It's so funny I almost hesitate to send you there for fear of you realizing that I am a hack. But I gotta give a shout out for this amazing piece of work. Die hard fans will notice a lot of really good references. Check it out.

Where Have All the Ninjas Gone?

I just had a thought, and at first I thought I was really stupid for only thinking of this just now and not way earlier. But then I felt pretty smart because I must be the first person to have thought of this because obviously if someone else had thought of this it would already have happened. The thought I had is, "Why isn't the Army using more Ninjas?" I mean, think about it. The Army is in a war right now that was scheduled to end several years ago, and wasn't even originally billed as a war. They are apparently struggling with an insurgency. The problem is Iraqis have a different definition of "greeting as liberators" than Americans do. In their culture that means fire-bombing, flag burning, and rocket launching. This is merely a cultural difference, and one that our traditional Army may not be trained or equipped to handle.

It's not that the soldiers in Iraq are not good at what they do. In fact they are very talented men and women. I have watched quite a few documentaries on the Marines and the Navy SEALS (The Rock, The Marine, G.I. Jane) and they have a lot of similar traits to Ninjas. But the one quality that our Marines and SEALS possess that a Ninja does not, is sympathy. As the Iraqi insurgents place bombs under our soldiers' trucks, our men are taken aback by their sweet gestures. They think "Oh look, how thoughtful. He is greeting me as a liberator by killing my friends." And then instead of stopping the bomber by putting one swift bullet into his head, he merely takes him captive and tortures him. If Ninjas were in Iraq, that bomber would have been dead before he woke up that morning.

That brings up another issue that would be cleared up if the Army relied soley on Ninjas: Torture. Ninjas don't torture. Maybe they would if they had time, but unfortunately their victim was dead after the first blow. In fact, by Ninja standards, torture is when it takes two shots to kill a man.

Another benefit to using Ninjas in our Army is that the Draft would no longer be necessary. For a war like the one we are having in Iraq, you'd need like 5, maybe 6 Ninjas at most. So Cindy Sheehan could cool her jets and enjoy some much needed family time (at home).

Having Ninjas as our only soldiers would also make the Presiden't job a lot easier. If the American people demanded to know what the troops were doing, the President could hold a press conference and just be like, "I don't know what they are doing. They are Ninjas, you know? They're very secretive. Hard to keep track of." And everyone would be like, "Oh, yeah...that's a good point."

Ninjas are also very effective nation builders. One night the people of Iraq would go to sleep, and the next morning they'd wake up and look out their windows (or bomb holes) and....DEMOCRACY!

So I'm not sure what it's going to take to round up the Ninjas we are looking for. Maybe Chuck Norris has some sort of special Ninja whistle that only Ninjas can hear. I don't know. All I'm saying is let's stop wasting our time looking for alternative fuels, and see if we can't find an alternative soldier.

Blank Page Blog

Man, here I am, all alone. Completely blank. I sure wish someone would come and write something on me. Could be anything. Doesn't have to be something special, just something. Oh wait, what's this guy doing? He's writing on me! YES! He's...wait...what's he writing about? Ew, that's sick. Hey! Stop writing that! I don't want to be apart of this! That's illegal! I will not be a culprit in your sick and twisted crime. I don't want to be evidence in your court case someday. Look, you used pencil. You can erase all that writing right now and I'll be as good as new. Nobody has to know. I can't even remember what you wrote. I didn't see anything.

Look, seriously...if you don't stop this right now, I'm going to give you a paper cut. First I'll make it really hard for you to pick me up, and then when you finally do get me off the table I'm going to bend in an unexpected way and get you right underneath the fingernail. I swear I'll do it. You aren't the only cold hearted killer in the room. That's right. I'd give you a paper cut to the jugular if I could just get close enough. Don't test me.

Hey what are you doing? Stop it. Why are you crumpling me up? No don't throw me away! It was a great plan! You should definitely keep it! I really liked the part about using the knife instead of the gun so that no one would hear it. You've got something good going here. Don't toss it! Please don't throw me in the trash can with the post-it-notes and the used tissues!

AAAAAAHHHHHH!!!!!

Oh hey guys...um...no offense.

10 Easy Halloween Costumes

Hey kids! Halloween is right around the corner. Most of you probably have not figured out your costume yet because you're incredibly lazy, and even though you'll think about it 10 or 12 more times between now and the big night, you still won't get your act together. Slacker. But don't worry. Here are 10 easy costume ideas that are still scary and fun.

1. Hooker: Instead of saying "Trick or Treat!" you can just say "Trick!"
2. Nudist Zombie: Just be sure to keep your candy bag at waist level.
3. Salmonella Man: Take mom's chicken out of the freezer, let it thaw for an afternoon. Then if the little old lady doesn't give you some candy, give her a salmonella slap.
4. Clumsy Clyde: Nothing scares a homeowner like a lawsuit because someone got injured on their property. Run around their yard and pretend to get injured. They'll give you all the candy they have if you just get off their property.
5. Sexual Offender: They're scary, but they look just like everyone else.
6. Ghost of a Ku Klux Klan Member: You'll need one big white sheet, and one small white sheet.
7. Homeless Guy: Make a cardboard sign that says "Will Trick for Treat."
8. Child Actor in Horror Film: Are you 12? Are you pale? According to Hollywood you are terrifying.
9. Mel Gibson with Tourettes: All you need is a good Australian accent and a list of anti-Semitic words.
10. A Public Service Announcement: Go to each door and say "I'm the product of too much alcohol and unprotected sex." Now that's scary.

Like these costume ideas? Send me a picture of them in action and I'll give you a treat.

FAQ 2

It's time to clean out the mailbox and answer some Frequently Asked Questions.

Q: What is your greatest fear?
A: My greatest fear is that I will forget what my greatest fear is and then I will have the opportunity to face my fear but completely miss it because I will have forgotten what it is.

Q: What is your best personal trait?
A: My humility. I am extremely humble. And I am really proud of that because I think humility is the best possible quality a human could possess. And I have a lot of it. In fact, I'm going to go on record as saying I am the most humble person ever, therefore making me the best person ever.

Q: If you were evil, what would be your evil plan?
A: I would hire (or hypnotize if need be) Wolverine to work for me. Then he would be the world's most ruthless and unstoppable suicide bomber. I haven't worked the rest out yet.

Q: Are you a good dancer?
A: Yes. Check it out here

Please send your questions to nateisablog@gmail.com

Best Nate Smith Ever! part 3

It is time for the third match in my running competition called Best Nate Smith Ever! I have a bad feeling about this one, much like when I was in elementary school and I knew I was about to have my lunch money taken from me. The Nate Smith I am challenging today is owner of the web domain www.nate-smith.com. Already, that is cooler than me.

This Nate Smith is a musician currently living in New York. In contrast I am a comedian currently living in Portland. While being a comedian is cool, being a musician is cooler. Musicians always get the chicks. You don't see a lot of underwear getting thrown onto the stage during a comedy show. Well, there was that one time, but that was because I forgot my underwear and my mom ran up to the stage to give them to me.

As a comedian I'd probably be much better off living in New York like he is. New York is home to Saturday Night Live, The Daily Show, The Late Show with David Letterman, and a host of famous stand up and improv comedy clubs. At the same time, as a musician, this Nate Smith would probably be better off living in Portland. This area is home to great bands like Nirvana and the Shins. Maybe we should start a Nate Smith Exchange program.

Now, I couldn't get a hold of Nate Smith. The e-mail address listed on his site is defunct, and he has yet to answer my message I sent to his myspace page. He loses some major points there because a good Nate Smith always answers his e-mails promptly. You can test this by e-mailing me at nateisablog@gmail.com. Since I could not get a hold of Nate, I decided to interview him and use his bio from his website as his answers.

Q: Nate, where were you born?
A: Nate Smith, born in Missoula, MT.

Q: Have you always talked like a caveman?
A: My earliest influences were Stewart Copeland and Steve Gadd.

Q: And what are your influences now?
A: The New York Voices.

Q: I see...and how long have you been hearing voices?
A: Two summers.

Q: Sounds like someone might have experimented with a little drug use.
A: While in college.

Q: Where did you get these drugs?
A: From the drug chair.

Q: Okay...are you high right now?
A: Extensively.

I cut the interview short because you as you can see, he was high as a kite. And that is too bad for Nate, because as we learned during our childhood, Users are Losers. It rhymes so it must be true. Nate Smith, I am a better Nate Smith than you.

Wow, I didn't think I was going to win that one. If you are a Nate Smith or you know a Nate Smith and think he is better than me, bring it on. E-mail me at nateisablog@gmail.com and prove to me that you are The Best Nate Smith Ever!




The Best Nate Smith Ever! World Rankings
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Go to Best Nate Smith Ever! Part 4

Toucan Sam Blog

Man, I am so pissed! So, here I am just minding my own business, following my nose where ever it may go, and what happens? I find out that Cheerios has totally started to copy me. What the hell? I already have to fend off cheap imitators like "Fruit-O's", "Loops-O-Fruit" and "Fruit of the Loom". But now I have to deal with this? Cheerios is stabbing me in the back! Forget following my nose. Try following my foot as I shove it your ass, Cheerios.

Does Cheerios even have a mascot? I don't think they do. I imagine if they do it's some British pansy running around saying "Cheerio!" Either that, or a drooling baby. But what's the difference? That wouldn't even be a fair fight. I just wouldn't feel good about myself for beating up on a poor defenseless British guy. I'll have to retaliate in some other way.

Cheerios, be warned: It is on! I am going to unleash an army of new cereal products that may or may not be similar to your products. In the future keep an eye out for Frootless Loops, Honey Nut Loops without Froot, and Frosted Loops of the unfrooted variety. And if you don't like it, you can go cry to your Queen.

And Fruit of the Loom, be on the alert, we will soon be releasing an edible underwear called Fruit of the Loops. We're watching you.

Bitch Move

Pardon my french, but Cheerios has made the biggest bitch move in the history of cereal competition. Cheerios has released a new version of their beloved breakfast item.
Fruity Cheerios. Man, that looks really familiar. What does that remind me of?
Oh yeah. Fricking Froot Loops!Are you kidding me Cheerios? I mean, really? C'mon. Who are you trying to fool?




But I have noticed a trend in what seems to be blatant conceptual theft. Right after the Fruity Cheerios ad I saw on TV, there was an ad for a new TV show starring Taye Diggs. The concept is that Taye Diggs keeps living the same violent day over and over, and each day his girlfriend is killed until he finally puts all the clues together and solves the crime and saves the day. Sound familiar? What's the title for this show? 6 Feet In the Groundhogs Day ?

Well I hope Froot Loops strikes back and releases a retaliation breakfast item. I'd like to see Frootless Loops. Or maybe Froot Loops could be trend setters in the Cereal arena and move on from fruit. Maybe Froot Loops could bring together the sugary fun of a breakfast in a bowl, and the hearty goodness of a home-cooked breakfast with Meat Loops! MMMMMMMMMM.....