After decades of one of the most epic cat & mouse games in history, America finally caught Saddam Hussein. After batting this sinister mouse around in an international court case, the big cat decided it was tired of playing games and sent Saddam to the noose. After all this time and energy has been spent to bring this man to justice, my question is: A hanging? Really? Kind of anti-climatic, don’t you think? In this day and age, it is not very often that the whole world (mostly) will rally around the use of the death penalty. But Saddam was just the guy to bring us all together. So now we have the chance to participate in a good old-fashioned public killing, and all we can come up with is a hanging? Is that all we got? We live in the age of ridiculous inventions like Gogurt, battery powered tape measures, and toaster ovens made specifically for hotdogs. If we can put our brainpower to use to create these amazing unnecessities (I just coined that term) then I think we can find a more entertaining way to off one of the world’s worst villains since Hitler. I say we’re just not trying hard enough. Here are a few ideas on how I would have killed Saddam Hussein.
1. Take him into outer space, and videotape someone shoving him out of the space ship without a space suit on. I’ve always wanted to see what it would look like if somebody imploded.
2. Two Words: Gallagher Show.
3. Hang him by bungee chord over a pool of man-eating Piranhas. If one way doesn’t work, the other will.
4. Russian Roulette…with bazookas.
5. Fox’s new Reality TV show “Who Wants to Assassinate a Dictator?”
6. Show him the true meaning of chemical warfare and send him to a “Bath & Body Works” outlet center.
7. Lock him in a room with Tom Cruise and tell Tom that Saddam uses psychiatry and painkillers.
8. Samuel L Jackson’s next movie-Saddams on a Plane. “I’m tired of these Motherf-ing Dictators, on this Motherf-ing plane!”
9. Send him hunting with Dick Cheney.
10. Put him in a room with a gun, one bullet, and a recording of Simon Cowell criticizing him playing on a loop.
I just want to express my gratitude to Saddam Hussein for all he has done in order to make it possible for me to write this sort of article without any kind of moral dilemma. It’s not often that a comedian can be so callous about this sort of thing without being considered edgy or offensive. But thanks to Saddam and all his unspeakable acts of inhumanity I could write an article about how I think a man should have been killed just days after he was put to death. Thank you Saddam.