Friday, January 12, 2007

Financial Fodder

Christmas is over and all the post holiday sales are long gone. It's the new year and you have resolved to start saving your money. But how? Your first idea was to go out and buy some financial organizational software like Quicken. Then you found out that costs almost 200 bucks. That's kind of the opposite of what you are trying to do. Here are some great ways to save your money this year.

credit cards : The key here is "this" year. Use as many credit cards as you can. Then use other credit cards to pay off your original credit cards. Eventually this is going to be a huge financial mess for you, that could get you in some serious trouble. But if you play your cards right (you bet your ass that pun was intended) then you can hold off that financial fiasco until next year, and you will have achieved your goal of saving money "this" year.

secured loans : Take out a loan from the bank, or maybe the local convenience store, or even your mom's purse. The best way to make sure your loan is "secured" is to take out the loan without them knowing. This way you can be secure in the fact that you won't have to pay them back. To really make sure the loan is secured, shoot all witnesses.

mortgages : Remember Monopoly? Remember when your really annoying friend did that super confusing thing involving mortgages, while you were still just trying to get a hotel on your Baltic Ave, and then he won? Well whatever it was that he was doing, do that.

current accounts
: To save money now, avoid using your current accounts. Go to the bank and ask your bank officer if you can open up a future account. Then tell them you'd like to deposit a lot of future money, because you know you are going to be the next American Idol and land a huge recording deal and make millions of dollars. Your potential is as good as gold. So start spending the future now.

home insurance
: This one is going to sound counter-intuitive and illegal. But just go with me on this. First buy a lot of home insurance. I know, it's pricey, but remember to use one of your future accounts. Then, burn down your house. Again, I know that sounds like you are wasting a lot of money because you just bought all that wonderful new furniture from Ikea. But remember, you paid for it with your credit cards, so you aren't losing that money this year (next year is a different story). Also, insurance fraud is extremely illegal. So you are going to need to make it look like an accident, and one that wasn't your fault. Your best bet is to pay a mute homeless guy to run through your house while on fire. That way if he survives, he can't tell anybody, and you know he'll totally do it because man, it's cold outside.

Well there you go. There's my advice on how you can save money. And it was free! See, you're saving money already!


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