Blog Blog

I've existed for a little over a week now. Nate really hasn't done much with me so far. His last few blogs have followed a consistent theme, but they are a little lack luster. I've seen other blogs and they have lots of pictures and links in the text. Nate hardly does any of that. I guess it could be worse. He hasn't made the blog all cluttered and hard to read like some other blogs. But still, the page feels a little empty. It's as if he doesn't really care what people think. I'm not even sure he is doing anything to promote me. Why do I even exist? What's the point? I'm so depressed.

Ninja Blog

(you're dead.)

Ham Sandwich Blog

I've been in the fridge for three days now. I really hope I get eaten soon because I'm growing some mold and I don't want to be thrown in the trash. Hopefully Dave doesn't look too closely when he picks me up. And now I've got competition because Dave just put some extra slices of pizza in here this morning. They have been real punks. They think Dave likes them more. But Dave made me with his own two hands. Dave and I have a history. He doesn't know anything about those pizza slices. He doesn't have anything invested in them. They were just delivered to him. I am Dave's creation.

When I first got here the Milk was real friendly. We had a lot of good talks about life and relationships. But since I got here the Milk has gone bad. I guess that's what happens when you get old.

Okay, Dave just came and took the two slices of pizza! What the hell Dave! I thought we had a connection! I thought I meant something to you. Am I just a piece of meat between two slices of wonderbread? Huh? Just for that, I'm going to grow out a long moldy fu manchu, and you can manchu on that! I hate you Dave!

Cowboy Blog

Here are my top 10 favorite things about being a cowboy.

10. My 2nd to last shoot out. (Every shoot out I win is my 2nd to last shoot out.)
9. Floosies.
8. The sound of my spurs as I enter a saloon.
7. Sunsets.
6. Punching the mustache off a bad guy.
5. Drowning my fears in a bottle of Whiskey.
4. Falling through the rail of a saloon balcony.
3. Being dragged behind a runaway horse carriage.
2. The sound of my revolver as the cylinder spins and locks into place.
1. Roxanne, my horse.

Dog Blog

Another monday at the house. My master is off to work again. We had a pretty fun weekend. He took me out to the park and let me chase small children around. That was fun. Man they really scream. Especially if you work up a good slobbery foam around your mouth. I don't know what "rabies" is, but it's hilarious when they yell it.

But now the weekend is over. Master is gone all day. Time to take care of my daily chores. Let's see, I already humped the couch leg, and moved all the couch pillows into the kitchen, and barked at the neighbors kids until they were too scared to play in their yard. What else...? I feel like I am forgetting something. OH YEAH!! Poop and Seek! My master and I have this really fun on going game that we play. Each day that my master goes to work, I find a new place to go poop in the house. Then when he comes home he tries to find it. Sometimes he'll pretend like he didn't see it and step right in it with his favorite Christmas socks. Then he acts like he is mad at me and yells real loud and wags his finger at me. It's hilarious. I'll never get tired of that game. Okay, well I'm gonna go. I think I have thought of the perfect spot this time. I just haven't quite figured out how I'm going to get it into his sock drawer. Wish me luck!

Pirate Blog

Arrr!!! It be 8 days since me last blog entry. The seas have been rough and me WiFi could not connect. But alas it is now calm and I have 4 bars. The last 8 days have been eventful ones. First we was attacked by those scurvy dogs run by the so-called Captain Pink Beard. He be the toughest man I've ever seen with a pink beard. Our ship be badly wrecked after that scourge and me Captain was in a vengeful mood. So we set anchor at the next small settlement we could find and plundered our measely guts out. That poor shire never saw it coming. Har har harrrr. That was some good pillaging if I might say so me self. We repaired our ship and loaded it up with plenty of gun powder. Now we be back on the seas on the hunt for Captain Pink Beard's ship. When we find him we are going to cut off that beard and sew it into a nice sweater. Arrr!!!

Clark's Blind Hunter

I was reading about Lewis & Clark today (a little research for a possible upcoming project) and I read something that was just beautiful. Apparently on the way back home during their grand Lewis & Clark Expedition, Lewis and Clark split up, each taking their own team a different route. They met up again later in the trip "when one of Clark's hunters, Pierre Cruzatte, blind in one eye and nearsighted in the other, mistook Lewis for an elk and fired, injuring Lewis in the thigh." CLASSIC!! First of all, the sentence "one of Clark's hunters who is blind in one eye and nearsighted in the other" is hilarious all on its own. Why was Pierre Cruzatte one of Clark's hunters? Having a blind hunter is like having a one legged runner, only a lot more dangerous. Actually I admire Clark for not putting limitations on his men. "Sir, I would like to be your official trumpet player. Sadly, I have no lips."

Having a blind hunter must have made for interesting meal time discussions.

"Pierre, what did you catch for dinner today?"

"A tree!"

Cell Phones

When will my cell phone be everything? It is currently my camera, my daily planner, my alarm clock, my instant messenger, my calculator, my game console, and…oh yeah, my phone. But that isn’t enough. When will my phone wake me up in the morning, pick out my outfit, and make me breakfast. And when will I be able to ride my cell phone to work? Why is technology moving so slowly!? When will my Cell Phone be a refreshing beverage while at the same time being an entertaining television program? When will my cell phone pay my bills while also giving me psychological therapy? When will I be able to work out on my phone, and take my phone to the basketball gym and say, “Me and my phone got next!” When!?!?!?!??!?!?!?!?

in my head

I sat down to write this blog entry and couldn't get started. Every topic I decided to explore was pre-determined to be "bad". Just like a bad improviser (which I can be at times) I am in my head too much. So what I like to do whenever I am in my head too much is to actually go into my head and explore the obstacles that are preventing the flow. As I wrote the title "in my head" I glanced over at my iPod and noticed that the song that just started is "empty spaces" by Pink Floyd. My iPod always seems to have a comment on my current situation.

Anyway, let's take a stroll through my head. Shouldn't take that long. The first thing you'll notice is there is almost no security at all. This place is totally insecure. There is one security guard but he is way too scrawny to stop anything. The second thing you'll notice is the clutter. There are just tons and tons of ideas and concepts floating around. Unfortunately they are not at all organized. Every now and then as I stroll through here I'll kick one up that I hadn't seen for a long time. There's also some information in here but almost none of it is actually useful. And any information that is useful is covered up by my ideas and concepts. So usually by the time I get to the useful information, it's too late.

Next you'll see the archives. This is where I store all my memories. They are not at all organized and I can hardly ever find the ones I am looking for. Plus there's a kid who likes to go around the archives drawing with crayon on all my old memories so that when I do find them they are totally distorted.

So that's basically what it's like in my head. Now you can see why I don't like to be in it.

Ahhh...That new week smell.

The weekend. The time when you do the things you want to do before you go back to doing the things you have to do. This weekend I did the main thing I want to do: Comedy. My group, 5 Days Shy, performed at the Milk & Honey Studio in SE Portland on Saturday night. The space was tiny but we had just the right amount of audience members to fill it out. It was our first show together and we did a great job. Below are a few highlight clips from the show. And now back to my regularly scheduled work week. sigh...

Fecoo Very Much

Blogs are stupid

What are blogs? Basically just a lazy man's website. "Oh, I want to put up all sorts of information onto the world wide web, but I don't know how! I have no knowledge of HTML programming or even simple design techniques. Oh, how much does that software cost? Oh I just want to make a website for free. I have a bunch of thoughts in my head and my mother didn't love me enough to listen to me and now I need to put my thoughts somewhere where random people can read them and love me!" Hmph. Blogs are stupid. But just in case I'm wrong, welcome to my personal blog.