Thursday, March 29, 2007

Nature is a Log

Alright, listen up Nature. You have got to get your act together. I understand you would like to survive. That makes sense. I get it. But look, I just spent several hours in you and I have to say...BORRRRINNNGGGG!!!!! I mean, sure, you are beautiful. Gorgeous even. But c'mon! How about a little showmanship? I spent a whole day in the so-called great outdoors (or as I like to call it, the great outbores!) and NOTHING happened. It was like those frustrating scenes from Jurassic Park where the dinosaurs didn't show up, except it didn't have the thrilling conclusion where the dinosaurs finally did show up and mauled everything to death. And the only reason Jurassic Park was a big hit was because of that second part with the mauling. So, Nature, unless you bring a little mauling action to the people, we're gonna pave right over you and erect a new mall. And can you blame us? I mean, think about it. No one goes to a play just to look at the stage. "My, look at the set. Isn't it beautiful? I hope we get to see some actors. SHHH!"

All I'm saying is, you need to be a little more entertaining. After a couple hours hanging out with you, I saw like two salamanders. And it's possible it was just the same salamander twice. And all it did was kind of float around for a little while. It was practically dead, and to be quite honest that would have been a lot more interesting.

So here's a few pointers on how you can make yourself a little more exciting and in turn convince us humans not to clear cut all your trees and cement all your prairies.

Here's a beautiful picture of some wetlands.

Now here's a much more exciting version of the same picture.

Next, here's a lovely picture of a stream.

Now look at how much more intense the stream is when a little action is added to it!

Finally, check out this beautiful tree stump.

Now check it out after it's been Nate-urized!
No one cares about saving the spotted owl anymore. But I know a lot of guys who would go out of there way to save the bikinied babe.

So if you want us humans to give a crap about you, Nature, you're going to have to zazz it up a bit! Let's see a little hustle out there. Okay? Good talk.


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