Nature is a Log

Alright, listen up Nature. You have got to get your act together. I understand you would like to survive. That makes sense. I get it. But look, I just spent several hours in you and I have to say...BORRRRINNNGGGG!!!!! I mean, sure, you are beautiful. Gorgeous even. But c'mon! How about a little showmanship? I spent a whole day in the so-called great outdoors (or as I like to call it, the great outbores!) and NOTHING happened. It was like those frustrating scenes from Jurassic Park where the dinosaurs didn't show up, except it didn't have the thrilling conclusion where the dinosaurs finally did show up and mauled everything to death. And the only reason Jurassic Park was a big hit was because of that second part with the mauling. So, Nature, unless you bring a little mauling action to the people, we're gonna pave right over you and erect a new mall. And can you blame us? I mean, think about it. No one goes to a play just to look at the stage. "My, look at the set. Isn't it beautiful? I hope we get to see some actors. SHHH!"

All I'm saying is, you need to be a little more entertaining. After a couple hours hanging out with you, I saw like two salamanders. And it's possible it was just the same salamander twice. And all it did was kind of float around for a little while. It was practically dead, and to be quite honest that would have been a lot more interesting.

So here's a few pointers on how you can make yourself a little more exciting and in turn convince us humans not to clear cut all your trees and cement all your prairies.

Here's a beautiful picture of some wetlands.

















Now here's a much more exciting version of the same picture.

















Next, here's a lovely picture of a stream.
























Now look at how much more intense the stream is when a little action is added to it!






















Finally, check out this beautiful tree stump.

















Now check it out after it's been Nate-urized!
No one cares about saving the spotted owl anymore. But I know a lot of guys who would go out of there way to save the bikinied babe.

So if you want us humans to give a crap about you, Nature, you're going to have to zazz it up a bit! Let's see a little hustle out there. Okay? Good talk.

High Five, Me!

I have a new favorite thing! I have long been a big fan of high fives. They're the perfect way to express a sense of happiness/satisfaction/team togetherness/accomplishment or for two one-armed dudes to clap as a team. And high fives are way better than low fives (this is because I was always too slow). Also, high fives are much more inclusive than high threes. Those can get awkward, and if done incorrectly they are painful.

I look for opportunities to give and get high fives whenever possible. Hey! Our team won the Superbowl! High Five!.....Nice cat. High Five!......I finally grew a mustache! High Five! (I can dream)....I finished another blog entry....HIGH FIVE! Needless to say, I'm a big fan of The Todd on Scrubs.

But recently it's been a lot harder to get people to join me in a good high five. A lot of people are really cynical these days and don't like expressing their enthusiasm in a physical manner, let alone one that involves making contact with another human. And the people who do enjoy expressing joy in that way, have developed this new brand of joint human physical contact enthusiasm called the pound. This involves punching each other's fists. Unlike a high five, the goal is not to do it as hard as you can in order to make a loud enthusiastic sound. I wish someone had told me this before I tried it.

Also, people who are willing to dish out a good old fashioned high five are usually really out of practice. For instance, my Wife. Sorry honey, but you suck at high fives. If you ever gave me a good high five, we'd have to high five again in order to celebrate it, and you'd probably ruin the second one, and then that would negate the whole thing.

Nevertheless, I have found the answer to all my high fiving woes. I found it at a site called Glumbert.com which has a funny video explaining the differences of how men and women take showers. At one point in the video, the man gives himself a high five in the mirror! Brilliant! What better way to get your daily affirmation off to the right start than with a high five to yourself!? And you can be sure that you'll get good square high five. In fact, if you miss the high five, you might want to get a new mirror. Also, make sure you don't do it too hard. Otherwise, you will HAVE to get a new mirror.

The Doctor has seen you now

You might remember an entry I wrote for smartremarx.com called Just What the Dr. Ordered. In case you don't, go read it first, then come back and read this.

Welcome back. How'd you like it? Good. Yeah, I thought it was pretty funny when I was writing it. Well, guess what. Dr. Perper finally came out with his autopsy! And if you thought I was a little off base with what I said about him in that last article, check out some of these quotes.

"The chest is symmetrical and shows no evidence of injury. There were bilateral breasts with asymmetry of the left breast due to scarring."

"The flat abdomen has no injuries."

"The buttocks have inconspicuous small scars, bilaterally. There is a flat, round scar on the lower aspect of the left buttock approximately ½ inch in diameter."

"The genitalia are those of a normally developed adult woman."

"The anus is unremarkable."

I think that last one was sort of a cheap shot. Thank you Doctor, but I think the deceased might want a second opinion.

Will they Ever Catch the Predator?

I've been watching this show "To Catch a Predator" with Chris Hansen. They say it's a big success because they've caught so many sex offenders and put them behind bars. This is great and all, but when I first heard of this show, I was excited because I thought they were going to be catching THE Predator. I was expecting to see a show down between Danny Glover and a huge alien beast! But every time, it's the same thing. Some fat schlub who tricked some young girl into meeting him for sex, and then the young girl is actually Chris Hansen (not that much of a stretch) without any weapons of any kind, and the guy just gives up. The real Predator wouldn't just give up without a fight. He'd knock Chris Hansen out with one flip of his dreadlocks. Now that'd be a good show!

What's this?

My Autotape gets around

I posted my autotape vid onto a new youtube competitor site called Grouper.com. They very generously put me up on their front page. The site functions very well and is very easy to use, while at the same time looking very sharp. Check it out.

Game Name

Apparently Roller Derby is taking the nation by storm. Here in Portland we have our own league called the Rose City Rollers. The league is full of wiry women and burly broads (is it socially acceptable to call a girl burly?) who skate around a rink in crazy outfits and bash the mammaries out of each other. Each team member has an awesome nickname to accentuate their pseudo psychotic tendencies. A couple good examples are "Axl Blows," "Slaymate," and "November Pain." While these nicknames are good, I think they could come up with some even better names. Here are 10 suggestions:

1. The Menstrual Marauder
2. Lady Laceration
3. Body Bag Becky
4. The Mammary Masher
5. The Ovarian Ogre
6. Sally Struthers (that's scary enough on its own)
7. The Hot Flash
8. Vaginal Creamer
9. Lucille Brawl
10. WMD (Woman of Mass Destruction)

Superpower

People are often asked "what superpower would you have?" Usually the recipient of this question thinks for a quite a while and then says something lame like "I'd have the ability to fly!" Flying is cool, but if you could have ANY superpower you want, that's the one you would choose? Come on! I heard a friend of mine answer this question one time and he said that if he could have any superpower he would choose to be "bulletproof." BULLETPROOF!?!?!? Um, are you also Arrowproof? What about lasers and fire? I think you want to be a little wiser with your words when choosing your superpower. I no longer respect that guy. Needless to say we are not friends anymore.

When people ask me this question, like during job interviews or blind dates, I don't hesitate for a second. I know my answer. If I could have any superpower I wanted, I would have the ability to grow a mustache! But not only could I grow the mustache, I would have full control of it and could grow it as fast as I wanted. This means, that along with creating great disguises for sneaking past evil henchman (or Jessica Biel's security guards), I can also use my mustache the way Spiderman uses his webs. I can pick people up with it, catch falling airplanes in a huge mustache tarp, or use it as a big propeller so I can fly! I have this image of a huge mustache fist coming from my upper lip to punch a bad guy. It is glorious! I would be called The Mustachioed Marauder!