The Doctor has seen you now

You might remember an entry I wrote for smartremarx.com called Just What the Dr. Ordered. In case you don't, go read it first, then come back and read this.

Welcome back. How'd you like it? Good. Yeah, I thought it was pretty funny when I was writing it. Well, guess what. Dr. Perper finally came out with his autopsy! And if you thought I was a little off base with what I said about him in that last article, check out some of these quotes.

"The chest is symmetrical and shows no evidence of injury. There were bilateral breasts with asymmetry of the left breast due to scarring."

"The flat abdomen has no injuries."

"The buttocks have inconspicuous small scars, bilaterally. There is a flat, round scar on the lower aspect of the left buttock approximately ½ inch in diameter."

"The genitalia are those of a normally developed adult woman."

"The anus is unremarkable."

I think that last one was sort of a cheap shot. Thank you Doctor, but I think the deceased might want a second opinion.

Will they Ever Catch the Predator?

I've been watching this show "To Catch a Predator" with Chris Hansen. They say it's a big success because they've caught so many sex offenders and put them behind bars. This is great and all, but when I first heard of this show, I was excited because I thought they were going to be catching THE Predator. I was expecting to see a show down between Danny Glover and a huge alien beast! But every time, it's the same thing. Some fat schlub who tricked some young girl into meeting him for sex, and then the young girl is actually Chris Hansen (not that much of a stretch) without any weapons of any kind, and the guy just gives up. The real Predator wouldn't just give up without a fight. He'd knock Chris Hansen out with one flip of his dreadlocks. Now that'd be a good show!

What's this?

My Autotape gets around

I posted my autotape vid onto a new youtube competitor site called Grouper.com. They very generously put me up on their front page. The site functions very well and is very easy to use, while at the same time looking very sharp. Check it out.

Game Name

Apparently Roller Derby is taking the nation by storm. Here in Portland we have our own league called the Rose City Rollers. The league is full of wiry women and burly broads (is it socially acceptable to call a girl burly?) who skate around a rink in crazy outfits and bash the mammaries out of each other. Each team member has an awesome nickname to accentuate their pseudo psychotic tendencies. A couple good examples are "Axl Blows," "Slaymate," and "November Pain." While these nicknames are good, I think they could come up with some even better names. Here are 10 suggestions:

1. The Menstrual Marauder
2. Lady Laceration
3. Body Bag Becky
4. The Mammary Masher
5. The Ovarian Ogre
6. Sally Struthers (that's scary enough on its own)
7. The Hot Flash
8. Vaginal Creamer
9. Lucille Brawl
10. WMD (Woman of Mass Destruction)

Superpower

People are often asked "what superpower would you have?" Usually the recipient of this question thinks for a quite a while and then says something lame like "I'd have the ability to fly!" Flying is cool, but if you could have ANY superpower you want, that's the one you would choose? Come on! I heard a friend of mine answer this question one time and he said that if he could have any superpower he would choose to be "bulletproof." BULLETPROOF!?!?!? Um, are you also Arrowproof? What about lasers and fire? I think you want to be a little wiser with your words when choosing your superpower. I no longer respect that guy. Needless to say we are not friends anymore.

When people ask me this question, like during job interviews or blind dates, I don't hesitate for a second. I know my answer. If I could have any superpower I wanted, I would have the ability to grow a mustache! But not only could I grow the mustache, I would have full control of it and could grow it as fast as I wanted. This means, that along with creating great disguises for sneaking past evil henchman (or Jessica Biel's security guards), I can also use my mustache the way Spiderman uses his webs. I can pick people up with it, catch falling airplanes in a huge mustache tarp, or use it as a big propeller so I can fly! I have this image of a huge mustache fist coming from my upper lip to punch a bad guy. It is glorious! I would be called The Mustachioed Marauder!

Job Interviews

Job Interviews

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Vulgar Vodka

Another story written for Willamette Week. This one is about a Vodka company's website being censored. Check it out.

Vulcan Butt Pinch

Check out my latest blog post at Willamette Week. It's about a Gay Klingon.

That being said...

Even though I don't have time to work on this blog, I can still post links to the writing I am doing else where. So here is a post I wrote for Willamette Week's Wwire blog. Billionaire Brawl.

Hiatus

As you may have noticed, I have been a huge slacker lately and have not posted much recently. I'm such a cliche. I've been really busy with an internship for a newspaper, as well as several comedy projects, which have all been soaking up my writing time and skills. So I thought I should officially let you know that I am taking a hiatus from Nate is a Blog. I'm not completely shutting down, and I might do something here or there, but for the most part, I won't be back for a while. My suggestion is that you sign up for my subscription service (on the left, scroll down a bit) so that you don't have to keep checking the site all the time and being disappointed. Rather, every now and then you will get a nice surprise in your email from me. This is also a good idea because if you like my writing and comedic style, then you'll want to know what I'm doing next. I have one project in particular that I am very excited about and I might be blogging at a different address for that. When that becomes official, I will post something here.

Thank you for all your kind (and even the unkind) comments you have left for me since you started. I've enjoyed writing for you.