Tattooine

I've never wanted a tattoo. I think they're dumb. Most tattoos are funny, clever, or meaningful at first but after a few years they are just embarrassing. There are very few tattoos that stand the test of time. And even though I will never get a tattoo, I've always wanted to figure out what the perfect tattoo would be. It'd have to be something that would either be funny forever, or always useful. Here's the ideas I've come up with so far.

Chest Hair: I'm never going to have real chest hair, and I don't really want hair on my chest, but occasionally some ladies do like men with chest hair, and it wouldn't hurt to at least give off the illusion of manliness.

Back Massage Grid: One of the most annoying things about getting a massage is giving directions to the masseuse. Your left, I mean my left, go down, a little lower, that's not my back. With a back massage grid I could simply say, "C 4" and get exactly what I'm looking for.

Growth Chart: I would love to go home to my childhood house and take the growth chart from my bedroom door and have it tattooed to my side from my ankles up.

Made in China: A little tattoo right above my butt that says "Made in China," just like a Troll Doll. I guess then I'd have to grow my hair out.

Property of Ashley Smith. If found please call 503-329-9778: This would be on my chest, that way if I get lost whoever finds me can return me to my owner. Of course, this only works if my wife never changes her phone number.

Your ad here: Hey, I'm for sale.

A heart with "Your Mom" inside it: This is a new twist on an old classic. Instead of a mushy shout out to my mom on my arm, how about a shout out to your mom.

A treasure map that ends with an X on my booty: This is merely meant to be a play on words, not an invitation for any kind of sexual activities.

Milk Milk Lemonade: There's an old wise saying that goes, "Milk, milk, lemonade, around the corner is where the fudge is made." I'd like to have a diagram of this phrase on my chest/backside.

My friend went to Niagra Falls and I didn't even get a stupid t-shirt: Self explanatory.

Barack Obomba

Democratic presidential candidate Barack Obama on Tuesday called for ridding the world of nuclear weapons. Republican candidates quickly sided with Barack saying they knew of a few good places we could drop them.

Solar Powered Hotness

So apparently the new hotness is this:

Solar powered jackets that enable you to charge your mobile gadgets from the comfort of your own pockets. I know how important it is to always have power, because everything I know, I learned from Back to the Future 2. (See Video) And I have lots of gadgets that need constant charging when I am out on the town. Let's see, there's my cell phone, and my iPod, and my PSP. Plus I always carry my own electric can opener in case I get struck with the sudden desire for some canned peas. And then there's my electric wallet that opens at the push of a button. It's a real bummer when that runs out of battery. Plus my electric pen that lights up as I write so that I know that I'm actually writing. And I have a laptop. And of course I have a electric motorized rolling carrying case for my laptop. Also I have a battery powered battery charger that is always seeming to run out of battery. So with all these essential tools, it's a no brainer to have apparel that will keep them all juiced up. But I must say I'm a bit disappointed in this approach. I always knew clothing that charges our batteries would be the wave of the future. I just assumed they would go with wind power instead.

Nike Native

Nike is reportedly producing a line of shoes made soley for Native Americans. They will distributing the shoes to tribal wellness programs and tribal schools at a discount. They will be called the Air Natives. I know they have their own marketing team but I thought I'd take a shot at coming up with some slogan ideas. These may be racially insensitive.

1. Say "How" to the new Air Natives.
   
2. The Air Natives, not your chief's mocassins.
   
3. The Air Natives, $119.99 or 400 acres of reservation.
   
4. The Air Natives, because your athletic wear shouldn't be a gamble.
   
5. The Air Natives, reserve yours today.
   
6. The Air Natives, so good you'll give them as a gift and then take them back.
   
7. The Air Natives, hey sorry for that whole stealing your land thing.
   
8. The Air Natives, so comfortable the Trail of Tears is no big deal.
   
9. The Air Natives, What would you do with out the White Man?
   
10. The Air Natives, made for cheap by natives of another land. Sold for cheap to natives of this land.
    

Scissors Rule!

Okay, maybe I'm geeking out a bit, but scissors are really really awesome! Wait, hear me out. I know we've all used scissors before and yeah there's nothing new about them. But I just used a pair of scissors to cut open a bag containing a yummy snack and I have to say, I was overwhelmed with joy over what an awesome piece of technology scissors are. Actually, I think my reaction appropriately matched the awesomeness of the situation so I guess I was just whelmed. But just think about how powerful scissors are! How many items were you constantly reminded not to run with when you were a child? (if scissors and the pool teamed up they would be a powerhouse) Scissors have used fear to maintain order in elementary class rooms throughout the ages. But scissors are more than just a method for enforcing juvenile speed limits. They are also the ambassadors to new businesses. Every day a new business is opened and with out a pair of scissors to cut that impenetrable ribbon in front of the store, how would customers ever get in? Scissors are so powerful that even though they are only one item, they are referred to as a pair. So take a moment to respect the incredible invention that is Scissors.

Russia Calls the Hump

Russia set off on an expedition today to put their flag at the bottom of the Arctic Ocean in order to lay claim to the oil and gas that might lie down there. This is a crafty move on Russia's part. The Russians are comparing it to putting a flag on the moon, and if putting a flag on the moon is like calling "Shotgun" before you get into a car, then putting a flag at the bottom of the ocean is like calling the middle of the back seat. Sure, getting to sit shotgun is exciting. But what real benefits does it have? Ample leg room, I suppose. But the middle of the back seat is where it's really at! Yes, it will be cramped back there. Being at the bottom of the ocean you'll be stuck between the ocean floor and tons of liquid pressure. But, there are so many advantages to being in the middle of the back seat. For instance, you have access to both of the pockets on the back of the two front seats, and there are all sorts of exciting treasures in those pockets. So kudos to you Russia. Way to go where no man had really considered going before.

Take A Chill Pill

A new birth control pill, called Lybrel, has been released that will not only eliminate the chance of having a baby, but will also make it so women don't have to go through their period. Some women are against this idea saying that it is unnatural. I think they are just PMSing about it and in a few days they will be a little easier to talk to.

That's Not Hot

Nicole Richie is in the news again. Not to be outdone by Paris Hilton, her BFS (Best Friend Sometimes), Nicole has been sentenced to four days in jail for driving under the influence of drugs. She also announced that she is four months pregnant, so she'll be serving time for two. In an interview with Diane Sawyer (who has apparently given up on that whole journalism thing and is auditioning for a spot at E!) Nicole said, "I have a responsibility and it's something that I did wrong, and if I could personally apologize to every single person that has lost a loved one from drunk driving I would. Unfortunately I can't." Wait a minute. What do you mean you can't? What else do you have to do? (Besides serve four piddly days in jail) Do you really have that busy of a schedule? I mean, I guess you are about to have a baby and you might want to go shopping for baby clothes, but I bet most of your current clothes will fit your newborn.  But I really think you should go door to door apologizing to ever single person that has lost a loved one from drunk driving. You could even make it into a reality show. Paris can go with you. You could call it "The Complicated Life." Paris could coin a new catch phrase and at the end of every session she could say, "That's sad." Think about it, Nicole. Or at least get someone to think about it for you.

Sitcoms, so easy a Caveman can...

As you've all probably heard, ABC is making a sitcom based on the Geico "Caveman" commercials. And I know, this topic has already been covered by thousands of bloggerists and pundits and George Lopez (get over it George, you didn't get canned because you are chicano. You got canned because you're show wasn't that funny. But I'm sure you can still get a hosting gig on Telemundo's "El Precio es Correcto!"), but I'm not the type of person who likes to jump on a topic when it's hot and...topical. The early bird gets the worm, unless those birds are drinking out of a tequila bottle and in that case the last bird gets the worm.

I for one am actually pretty excited about this show. Not necessarily because I think it is going to be that good, but because it is literally (and by literally I mean figuratively) opening up pandora's box to a whole world of new sitcoms based on TV commercials. I think if the Cavemen series does well, the next show to be created from a series of commericals will be a remake of the classic sitcom The Odd Couple starring Tony Randall and Jack Klugman, only this time it is starring Mac and PC. Each episode would start like this,

 "Hello, I'm a Mac." "And I'm a PC, and we share an apartment together, and man is it hilarious!" To make the show more current, Mac and PC will eventually fall in love, and the big cliffhanger at the end of the first season will be that they have decided to adopt a child! Will it be an iPod, or a Zune!?

NOOOO!!!!!!!

This is bad folks! Real bad. I just read today on CNN.com that a pipeline in Mexico was attacked by a left-wing guerrilla group leaving several major factories shutdown for the time being. Some of the factories shutdown by this fiasco are Hershey's, Kellogg's, Honda, and Nissan. NO! These are some of our tastiest foods and the companies that are the best at delivering those tasty foods. This is mayhem! We are at risk of a major chocolate shortage! Run to your local grocer and stock up as soon as possible! Pretty soon the chocolate prices will be through the roof! And then there will be buying and selling of chocolate on the black market and people killing for Kellogg's!

That's the first problem. But we have another problem as well. How have guerrillas learned how to attack pipelines!? This is worse than when Raptors learned how to open doors. Also, how did they become left-wing guerrillas? Are these primates watching The Daily Show? Have they been listening to Al Franken and Michael Moore?

I'm scared America. I don't know about you, but I am going to the store right away and buying as much Hershey's and Kellogg's products as possible and then going home and guerrilla proofing my house. You should too!