Tuesday, July 31, 2007

That's Not Hot

Nicole Richie is in the news again. Not to be outdone by Paris Hilton, her BFS (Best Friend Sometimes), Nicole has been sentenced to four days in jail for driving under the influence of drugs. She also announced that she is four months pregnant, so she'll be serving time for two. In an interview with Diane Sawyer (who has apparently given up on that whole journalism thing and is auditioning for a spot at E!) Nicole said, "I have a responsibility and it's something that I did wrong, and if I could personally apologize to every single person that has lost a loved one from drunk driving I would. Unfortunately I can't." Wait a minute. What do you mean you can't? What else do you have to do? (Besides serve four piddly days in jail) Do you really have that busy of a schedule? I mean, I guess you are about to have a baby and you might want to go shopping for baby clothes, but I bet most of your current clothes will fit your newborn.  But I really think you should go door to door apologizing to ever single person that has lost a loved one from drunk driving. You could even make it into a reality show. Paris can go with you. You could call it "The Complicated Life." Paris could coin a new catch phrase and at the end of every session she could say, "That's sad." Think about it, Nicole. Or at least get someone to think about it for you.

Sitcoms, so easy a Caveman can...

As you've all probably heard, ABC is making a sitcom based on the Geico "Caveman" commercials. And I know, this topic has already been covered by thousands of bloggerists and pundits and George Lopez (get over it George, you didn't get canned because you are chicano. You got canned because you're show wasn't that funny. But I'm sure you can still get a hosting gig on Telemundo's "El Precio es Correcto!"), but I'm not the type of person who likes to jump on a topic when it's hot and...topical. The early bird gets the worm, unless those birds are drinking out of a tequila bottle and in that case the last bird gets the worm.

I for one am actually pretty excited about this show. Not necessarily because I think it is going to be that good, but because it is literally (and by literally I mean figuratively) opening up pandora's box to a whole world of new sitcoms based on TV commercials. I think if the Cavemen series does well, the next show to be created from a series of commericals will be a remake of the classic sitcom The Odd Couple starring Tony Randall and Jack Klugman, only this time it is starring Mac and PC. Each episode would start like this,
 "Hello, I'm a Mac." "And I'm a PC, and we share an apartment together, and man is it hilarious!" To make the show more current, Mac and PC will eventually fall in love, and the big cliffhanger at the end of the first season will be that they have decided to adopt a child! Will it be an iPod, or a Zune!?

Thursday, July 12, 2007


This is bad folks! Real bad. I just read today on CNN.com that a pipeline in Mexico was attacked by a left-wing guerrilla group leaving several major factories shutdown for the time being. Some of the factories shutdown by this fiasco are Hershey's, Kellogg's, Honda, and Nissan. NO! These are some of our tastiest foods and the companies that are the best at delivering those tasty foods. This is mayhem! We are at risk of a major chocolate shortage! Run to your local grocer and stock up as soon as possible! Pretty soon the chocolate prices will be through the roof! And then there will be buying and selling of chocolate on the black market and people killing for Kellogg's!

That's the first problem. But we have another problem as well. How have guerrillas learned how to attack pipelines!? This is worse than when Raptors learned how to open doors. Also, how did they become left-wing guerrillas? Are these primates watching The Daily Show? Have they been listening to Al Franken and Michael Moore?

I'm scared America. I don't know about you, but I am going to the store right away and buying as much Hershey's and Kellogg's products as possible and then going home and guerrilla proofing my house. You should too!


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