Tattooine

I've never wanted a tattoo. I think they're dumb. Most tattoos are funny, clever, or meaningful at first but after a few years they are just embarrassing. There are very few tattoos that stand the test of time. And even though I will never get a tattoo, I've always wanted to figure out what the perfect tattoo would be. It'd have to be something that would either be funny forever, or always useful. Here's the ideas I've come up with so far.

Chest Hair: I'm never going to have real chest hair, and I don't really want hair on my chest, but occasionally some ladies do like men with chest hair, and it wouldn't hurt to at least give off the illusion of manliness.

Back Massage Grid: One of the most annoying things about getting a massage is giving directions to the masseuse. Your left, I mean my left, go down, a little lower, that's not my back. With a back massage grid I could simply say, "C 4" and get exactly what I'm looking for.

Growth Chart: I would love to go home to my childhood house and take the growth chart from my bedroom door and have it tattooed to my side from my ankles up.

Made in China: A little tattoo right above my butt that says "Made in China," just like a Troll Doll. I guess then I'd have to grow my hair out.

Property of Ashley Smith. If found please call 503-329-9778: This would be on my chest, that way if I get lost whoever finds me can return me to my owner. Of course, this only works if my wife never changes her phone number.

Your ad here: Hey, I'm for sale.

A heart with "Your Mom" inside it: This is a new twist on an old classic. Instead of a mushy shout out to my mom on my arm, how about a shout out to your mom.

A treasure map that ends with an X on my booty: This is merely meant to be a play on words, not an invitation for any kind of sexual activities.

Milk Milk Lemonade: There's an old wise saying that goes, "Milk, milk, lemonade, around the corner is where the fudge is made." I'd like to have a diagram of this phrase on my chest/backside.

My friend went to Niagra Falls and I didn't even get a stupid t-shirt: Self explanatory.

Barack Obomba

Democratic presidential candidate Barack Obama on Tuesday called for ridding the world of nuclear weapons. Republican candidates quickly sided with Barack saying they knew of a few good places we could drop them.

Solar Powered Hotness

So apparently the new hotness is this:

Solar powered jackets that enable you to charge your mobile gadgets from the comfort of your own pockets. I know how important it is to always have power, because everything I know, I learned from Back to the Future 2. (See Video) And I have lots of gadgets that need constant charging when I am out on the town. Let's see, there's my cell phone, and my iPod, and my PSP. Plus I always carry my own electric can opener in case I get struck with the sudden desire for some canned peas. And then there's my electric wallet that opens at the push of a button. It's a real bummer when that runs out of battery. Plus my electric pen that lights up as I write so that I know that I'm actually writing. And I have a laptop. And of course I have a electric motorized rolling carrying case for my laptop. Also I have a battery powered battery charger that is always seeming to run out of battery. So with all these essential tools, it's a no brainer to have apparel that will keep them all juiced up. But I must say I'm a bit disappointed in this approach. I always knew clothing that charges our batteries would be the wave of the future. I just assumed they would go with wind power instead.