Obama's Picks for VP

So according to this article at CNN.com Barack Obama and his crack squad of strategirizers are discussing their top 20 possible choices for Obama's Vice President. Barack is keeping the list to himself which, if you ask me, is pretty elitist. Everyone is expecting an elite list (there he goes again!) of politicians. But I'd like to see Obama get a little more creative with his choice for VP. Here are my ideas.


10 People I Hope Barack Obama Chooses as Vice President

1. Bill Clinton: I'd like to see Barack's vindictive side come out by forcing the former first lady to now be the second lady.
2. Stephen Colbert: I put him on this list just hoping to get the "Colbert Bump."
3. Oprah: Let's spread the "everyone gets a car!" love around a little more.
4. Michael Jackson: Then people will stop saying Barack isn't black enough.
5. John McCain: It's hard to run for President when you're also running for Vice President against yourself.
6. Donald Trump: If Barack wants to shake up Washington, he's going to need someone on his side who knows how to say, "You're Fired!"
7. Osama Bin Laden: Maybe if they are standing next to each other West Virginians will finally realize they are not the same guy.
8. Christopher Walken: I'd just really love to hear him talk about taxes.
9. Amy Poehler as Hillary Clinton: Hillary Clinton as VP would be annoying, but Amy Poehler as Hillary Clinton as VP would be hillarious!
10. Dick Cheney: Sometimes you just need a guy who is willing to shoot people in the face.

X-Rayted Security

I just read an article on USATODAY.com that says 10 airports have installed new body scanner machines that are capable of seeing through people's clothing...for security reasons. This has raised a lot of questions, but my only question is where do I apply? For years the job of airport security has been considered one of the worst jobs ever. You sit in a dingy crowded airport regulating the traffic of angry rushing passengers for low pay. Not a lot of fun...until now! Leave your quarters at home because you get paid to watch this peep show. And don't be sheepish. You need to really scrutinize those body parts to make sure there isn't something dangerous in there.

I have a feeling the airport security's terrorist profile is going to change from middle eastern men to cheerleaders.

Are Wii Fit or are Wii Fat?

Video games have always given the children of America the chance to live out their fantasies in a digital reality. Whether they dreamt of being an italian plumber who could break bricks with his fist, a frog trying to cross a busy street, or simply a floating stick, video games made it happen. And now the makers of the Nintendo Wii are giving American children the chance to live out their wildest dream yet, the dream of being fit.

It's ironic really. Back in the days before video games, in order to live out their fantasies, kids had to play games outside. They would run around playing cops & robbers, or pretend to be captains of spaceships. Or they would play sports and make believe they were their favorite sports heroes. Back then kids were in shape.

Then video games came along. Suddenly kids could be whoever they wanted to be right in the comfort of their home with a plate of cookies within reach. It was video games that made the kids of America fat. And now that their biggest dream is to get fit, what's the solution?

Video games.

I sure hope Nintendo comes out with Wii Work* so these newly fit kids can get a job someday.

*Wii Work (copyright 2008 Nate Smith)

Twitterize your life

I recently jumped on the Twitter bandwagon. Now I am constantly telling my friends, and some strangers, what I am doing at all times. For those of you who don't know, twitter.com is a social site where people can keep in quick constant contact with others by simply answering one question, "What are you doing?" It's kind of like when you are using an instant messenger program, or facebook or myspace, and it has that status message that tells everyone what you are up to...except...it's just the status message and nothing else. It's complicated, I know.

Anyway, I've been keeping people updated on what I'm doing at all times, except there are some times when I don't want people to know what I am doing. For instance, when I'm throwing a fit because they put vegetables on my cheeseburger even though I expressly requested no vegetables on my cheeseburger, I don't tell people about that. So I realized I am selectively telling people what I am doing. I am giving people a false sense of who I really am, because I am only telling them about the good things I am doing. Then I realized I could take this one step further. Not only could I make people think I am a better person than I really am by not telling them about bad things I do, but I could make people think I am a really good person by telling them I'm doing really good things that I'm not actually doing. Because how would they know? It's twitter! There's no accountability here.

To follow my every fake action, go to twitter.com/natesmithlive

The In-Blank-ble Hulk

So Universal Pictures has basically decided to shake the etcha-sketch on their original Incredible Hulk movie, which they released in 2003, and start all over this time with Edward Norton as the big green hero. Now most people will agree the first one wasn't that great and could really use a makeover. But I say, why stop at changing the writers, actors, and director? Let's change the character too! That whole "You won't like me when I'm angry," thing is so over done. So instead of a new Incredible Hulk movie, let's see a movie about a different kind of Hulk.

10 Hulk Movies I'd rather see. (In no particular order!)

1. The Infallible Hulk : Instead of Edward Norton as the Hulk, how about the Pope?

2. The Inedible Hulk: I will not eat Green Eggs and Hulk.

3. The Indisputable Hulk: The Hulk enters himself into the Mr. Universe body building contest, and is losing, until he gets very angry and becomes the clear winner.

4. The Insatiable Hulk: The Hulk cruises through the red light district in a desperate attempt to satisfy his inner urges.

5. The Intangible Hulk: This is a sequel to the Hulk movies, where he comes back as a ghost.

6. The Inconceivable Hulk: I really can't imagine what this would be.

7. The Indescribable Hulk: In this movie, the Hulk would be this kind of...well, he would be a big...you know...it's hard to put it into words. You'll just have to see it.

8. The Interchangeable Hulk: So at first Eric Bana would be the Hulk, and then it would be Edward Norton....

9. The Indecipherable Hulk: The Hulk is a college professor with a speech impediment. Frustrated by his students' inability to understand him, all Hulk breaks loose. (I am copyrighting that brilliant tag line!)

10. The Inadmissible Hulk: Roger Clemens' lawyer attempts to admit the Hulk as evidence in his steroids trial, but the judge won't allow it.

Nate is a part time Blog

If this site makes you laugh, and you wish it was updated more frequently, please donate to the Best Nate Smith Ever! using one of the options below.

"But Nate, why should I give you any money?"

Well, respected reader, I'd like to spend 40 hours a week working on this blog so that every time you visit you have something new to laugh at. But until I can make as much money from this as I do from my job, I can't convince my wife to let me quit my day job. So you can either donate a few bucks, or break up my marriage...but I really like my marriage.

To make a payment via check, money order, cash, or gold bars, please use the following mailing address:

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Don't have any money? Here are a list of 10 things I will take as donations instead of money.

1. Nunchucks

2. Any other ninja weapons

3. really cool notebooks

4. a job writing for a late night talk show.

5. high fives. (Please deliver this one in person)

6. Mike & Ikes

7. Mt. Dew

8. The name and contact information of a Nate Smith that you think I should challenge in the Best Nate Smith Ever! contest.

9. A real live Unicorn (no fakes will be accepted)

10. Something that I could easily sell for money.

Best Nate Smith Ever! Part 6 - Revenge of the Smith

That's right gang! The world's greatest competition is back! No, I'm not talking about American Gladiators, but yes that is back too and it is AWESOME! I love watching semi-fit 30 somethings having knee injuries in front of a live studio audience. But the contest I'm talking about is BEST NATE SMITH EVER! Many of you are familiar with this contest, but for those of you who are not, you might want to read Parts 1 through Death, which you can find on the right side of my blog under my list of "Best Nate is a Blogs Ever!"

It has been a long time since the last BNSE! contest. The reason for that is simple. Ninja Nate Smith. My life was threatened, and in order to prove that my life as a Nate Smith is better than other Nate Smiths, I have to actually have a life. But I have been called out. This Nate Smith here has contacted me via email. Before I go on, I want to say that while email is still a valid way to contact me, I'd really prefer to be contacted via my very own Nate Signal.

Now...let the brutality begin! When this Nate Smith first contacted me, he started off by telling me that he writes for a newspaper, which was pretty exciting. But things are not always as exciting as they seem. In his email he said "I write for the Washington Times" and I was like, "Woah!" But I continued reading that sentence and realized it said, "I write for the Washington Times-Herald" and I was like, "Oh...but that's still cool. I wonder where it's located." So I continued reading. "I write for the Washington Times-Herald in Washington" and I was like, "Jackpot!" But then I finished the sentence. "I write for the Washington Times-Herald in Washington Indiana." WTF!?!?! Saying that you write for the Washington Times-Herald in Washington Indiana, is like saying you went to the University of Miami in Ohio, which in turn is like saying you are serving Chicken of the Sea Tuna. There's no chicken in the sea, there's no Miami in Ohio, and there's no Washington in Indiana. And sure, you can get technical and say that all of these things actually do exist, but don't try to pass them off like they are a big deal. You know what, I actually write for a pretty big news organization as well. That's right. I am a writer for CNN.com...in their blogs section...as a freelance commenter.  

And the deception continues. Big Shot Nate Smith goes on to say, "I have won one award." Ooh! Fancy! Wait, let's read the whole sentence. "I have won one award, a third place..." No, Big Shot Nate Smith, you did not win an award. You won a concession. He then goes on to say "I won a second place award..." Wait a minute! Which is it? Did you win one award or two awards? I guess this is the kind of journalistic integrity you can expect from a staff writer for an Indiana newspaper that tries to pretend it is the Washington Times.

That being said, I checked out Big Shot Nate Smith's newspaper at washtimesherald.com and it turns out they are pretty legit. The paper itself has a circulation of about 9,100 people on a daily basis, and just recently won first place for deadline news reporting for Division 4 Newspapers. Big Shot Nate Smith himself, won two more 2nd place awards for his writing this year. I on the other hand have this blog, which has a circulation of about 14 people on a weekly basis and has won no legitimate awards. When you look at it from that stand point, Big Shot Nate Smith seems like the clear choice for Best Nate Smith Ever! But...let's look at it from another stand point. Does he look as awesome as I do with a mustache?

No, clearly he does not. He looks ridiculous. Therefore, I am going to have to rule in favor of myself today. I am the Best Nate Smith Ever!

Now I realize there are about 9,100 in Indiana who might disagree with me. If you want to defend Big Shot Nate Smith's honor, I am willing to listen. Post a comment and state your case. There are two things you must do to catapult Big Shot Nate Smith to victory. One is present a picture of BSNS with a mustache that looks more awesome than I do. The other is for 1,000 Washington Times-Herald readers to visit this site.If you do both of these things, I will claim Big Shot Nate Smith as the Best Nate Smith Ever! Good luck!

For the 14 of you who are my regular readers, you can check out Big Shot Nate Smith's writing at this link here.

Best Nate Smith Ever! World Rankings

1. Ninja Nate Smith

2. Nate Smith Comedy

3. Big Shot Nate Smith

4. Banjo Nate Smith

5. High Nate Smith

X. Fire Pirate Nate Smith (Murdered by Ninja)

X. Crooked Hat Nate Smith (stabbed by Ninja in extremely large neck)

Lions, Tigers and Squares, Oh My!

According to this article (see here) Stephen Hawking is going on safari. He's traveling through South Africa in search of Africa's Einstein. I immediately had a flurry of ideas to write on this topic all of which seemed dead set on offending either Africans, or people in wheelchairs. So instead, here are the

Top 10 posts about Stephen Hawking going to Africa that I won't write.

1. Hawking does Circles of Life in his wheelchair.

2. Hawking receives standing ovation, the ultimate insult.

3. Genius gets sunburn. 

4. Hawking visits Africa, cures AIDS in 2 days.

5. Hawking has mosquito net installed on wheelchair.

6. Hawking changes theory to "African Holes."

7. Hawking studies Big Bang in Africa, returns with Jungle Fever.

8. Super Genius in wheelchair visits Africa, locals were hoping for Superman in wheelchair.

9. Hawking goes to Africa, wheelchair overheats.

10. Hawking searches for African Einstein...or Don King.

2nd Place, A Major Put Down

Sports history was made this week at the prestigious Kentucky Derby when the runner up horse, Eight Belles, was euthanized on the track. Now a lot of people are saying this is a tragedy, but I say one horse’s big sleep is another horse’s big wake up call. Finally winning is important again. As a child I grew up with a poster on my wall that said “I play to win,” but for years now I’ve had to listen to yuppies drone on about how doing your best is all that matters. They say things like “Everyone is a winner!” and “It’s not whether you win or lose, but how you play the game.” But not the folks at the Kentucky Derby. They say, “If you’re not a winner, you’re a goner.” And I applaud that mentality. Kids need to learn that it’s a tough world out there and that doing your best doesn’t matter unless it happens to be better than everyone else’s best.
I think we should institute a “Win or Die” policy in more competitive arenas. Now I’m not proposing we kill everyone who loses, just the competitors who come in second place. This would really up the intensity of all those championship games that end up being blow outs. For example, if the Colorado Rockies knew they were going to be euthanized when they lost to the Boston Red Sox in the 2007 World Series, they would have let the Arizona Diamondbacks play them instead. Then we might have had a much more interesting World Series to watch.
And I don’t think we should single out sports with this new policy. I think we should put down the runner up in any major contest.Take the Democratic Primaries for example. Once the Democratic Nominee is elected, the runner up should be shot. Of course if Barack Obama wins, we run a strong chance of them both being shot.
What I’m trying to say is, someday I hope to have a son of my own. And I hope that, just like me, he’ll grow up with an inspirational poster on his wall. But instead of it saying, “I play to win,” it will say, “I play to not die.”

Go BLANK Yourself!

Every now and then life hands you a moment in which the absolute perfect response is to yell "Go f@#k yourself!" But sometimes life hands you those moments while you are standing next to an impressionable child, running for public office, or devoting your life to being a monk. It is during these times that I suggest the following alternatives.

Top 10 non-foul-mouthed ways to fill in the blank for the phrase "Go BLANK yourself!"

1. Go punch Yourself! Especially effective if the intended receiver is a boxer.
2. Go delete yourself! Good for online banter.
3. Go know thyself! Great for outbursts during bible study.
4. Go suck yourself! Tell that vaccuum who's boss.
5. Go explode yourself! Should be shouted from a distance.
6. Go Britney Spears yourself! Because whatever she did to herself, it’s worse than what you want them to do to themselves.
7. Go fix yourself! Either a much more productive request, or a request for them to cut off their junk.
8. Go blog yourself! That’s the hip thing these days.
9. Go puncture yourself! Good for any occasion.
10. Go tell yourself to "Go f@#k yourself!"! It doesn't keep it clean, but it messes with their head.