Nate is a Juror

Great...I've been chosen for Jury Duty. I got a letter in the mail and was assigned a number. I checked the website the night before the case and my number was called in. Damn. I went to the court house the day of the case and my number was called again. Damn. I went into the court room with the other jury hopefuls (maybe hopelesses?) and I was asked to stay. Damn. Apparently, I'm just too normal. If only I had the logic and reasoning skills of a stray dog, I could have gotten myself excused. But no. Because I am able to put the differences between me and the defendant aside and judge the defendant based on the facts, I qualify. (By the way, I want you to notice how good I am being about not revealing actual details of the case, going so far as not even mentioning the fact that the defendant is a woman...damn it!) 

So here I am, eating a horrible ham sandwich (which is paid for so I guess the standards don't need to be that high) while I wait to be called back into the court room where I will listen to a defense lawyer who is horrible at pronouncing names (he almost botched 'Smith') and prosecuting attorney who is young and hip looking but when he speaks you realize his voice is way to low for his size (stop trying compensate for your adorable and youthful looks). Meanwhile, the judge seems to be asleep even when he is talking. Damn...

Wishbone's are legit!

I know this post is a bit late but hey, the holidays are a busy
season. I just wanted to document my experience with the age old
tradition of breaking the wishbone. My wife and I decided to break a
wishbone together. I had what I thought was the most clever idea ever.
"Let's wish for the same thing so that we can be sure it will come
true!" What an amazing scheme! I immediately began thinking of the
possibilities. Nintendo Wii...new TV...lifetime supply of Mt. Dew.
Then I remembered that if we say it out loud it won't come true. So
Ashley and I agreed to silently guess what we both wanted. So now I'm
thinking a trip to the Bahamas...a new car...the trash to magically
take itself out. So we both grabbed the wishbone and pulled and as if
to say, "You can't trick me!" the wishbone broke into 4 even parts.
Neither one of us was the winner. I used to think wishbones were a
hokey tradition. Now I totally believe in them and can't wait for next
Thanksgiving. And I guess the trash won't be taken out anytime
soon...because hell if I'm going to do it.

Tattooine

I've never wanted a tattoo. I think they're dumb. Most tattoos are funny, clever, or meaningful at first but after a few years they are just embarrassing. There are very few tattoos that stand the test of time. And even though I will never get a tattoo, I've always wanted to figure out what the perfect tattoo would be. It'd have to be something that would either be funny forever, or always useful. Here's the ideas I've come up with so far.

Chest Hair: I'm never going to have real chest hair, and I don't really want hair on my chest, but occasionally some ladies do like men with chest hair, and it wouldn't hurt to at least give off the illusion of manliness.

Back Massage Grid: One of the most annoying things about getting a massage is giving directions to the masseuse. Your left, I mean my left, go down, a little lower, that's not my back. With a back massage grid I could simply say, "C 4" and get exactly what I'm looking for.

Growth Chart: I would love to go home to my childhood house and take the growth chart from my bedroom door and have it tattooed to my side from my ankles up.

Made in China: A little tattoo right above my butt that says "Made in China," just like a Troll Doll. I guess then I'd have to grow my hair out.

Property of Ashley Smith. If found please call 503-329-9778: This would be on my chest, that way if I get lost whoever finds me can return me to my owner. Of course, this only works if my wife never changes her phone number.

Your ad here: Hey, I'm for sale.

A heart with "Your Mom" inside it: This is a new twist on an old classic. Instead of a mushy shout out to my mom on my arm, how about a shout out to your mom.

A treasure map that ends with an X on my booty: This is merely meant to be a play on words, not an invitation for any kind of sexual activities.

Milk Milk Lemonade: There's an old wise saying that goes, "Milk, milk, lemonade, around the corner is where the fudge is made." I'd like to have a diagram of this phrase on my chest/backside.

My friend went to Niagra Falls and I didn't even get a stupid t-shirt: Self explanatory.

Barack Obomba

Democratic presidential candidate Barack Obama on Tuesday called for ridding the world of nuclear weapons. Republican candidates quickly sided with Barack saying they knew of a few good places we could drop them.

Solar Powered Hotness

So apparently the new hotness is this:

Solar powered jackets that enable you to charge your mobile gadgets from the comfort of your own pockets. I know how important it is to always have power, because everything I know, I learned from Back to the Future 2. (See Video) And I have lots of gadgets that need constant charging when I am out on the town. Let's see, there's my cell phone, and my iPod, and my PSP. Plus I always carry my own electric can opener in case I get struck with the sudden desire for some canned peas. And then there's my electric wallet that opens at the push of a button. It's a real bummer when that runs out of battery. Plus my electric pen that lights up as I write so that I know that I'm actually writing. And I have a laptop. And of course I have a electric motorized rolling carrying case for my laptop. Also I have a battery powered battery charger that is always seeming to run out of battery. So with all these essential tools, it's a no brainer to have apparel that will keep them all juiced up. But I must say I'm a bit disappointed in this approach. I always knew clothing that charges our batteries would be the wave of the future. I just assumed they would go with wind power instead.

Nike Native

Nike is reportedly producing a line of shoes made soley for Native Americans. They will distributing the shoes to tribal wellness programs and tribal schools at a discount. They will be called the Air Natives. I know they have their own marketing team but I thought I'd take a shot at coming up with some slogan ideas. These may be racially insensitive.

1. Say "How" to the new Air Natives.
   
2. The Air Natives, not your chief's mocassins.
   
3. The Air Natives, $119.99 or 400 acres of reservation.
   
4. The Air Natives, because your athletic wear shouldn't be a gamble.
   
5. The Air Natives, reserve yours today.
   
6. The Air Natives, so good you'll give them as a gift and then take them back.
   
7. The Air Natives, hey sorry for that whole stealing your land thing.
   
8. The Air Natives, so comfortable the Trail of Tears is no big deal.
   
9. The Air Natives, What would you do with out the White Man?
   
10. The Air Natives, made for cheap by natives of another land. Sold for cheap to natives of this land.
    

Scissors Rule!

Okay, maybe I'm geeking out a bit, but scissors are really really awesome! Wait, hear me out. I know we've all used scissors before and yeah there's nothing new about them. But I just used a pair of scissors to cut open a bag containing a yummy snack and I have to say, I was overwhelmed with joy over what an awesome piece of technology scissors are. Actually, I think my reaction appropriately matched the awesomeness of the situation so I guess I was just whelmed. But just think about how powerful scissors are! How many items were you constantly reminded not to run with when you were a child? (if scissors and the pool teamed up they would be a powerhouse) Scissors have used fear to maintain order in elementary class rooms throughout the ages. But scissors are more than just a method for enforcing juvenile speed limits. They are also the ambassadors to new businesses. Every day a new business is opened and with out a pair of scissors to cut that impenetrable ribbon in front of the store, how would customers ever get in? Scissors are so powerful that even though they are only one item, they are referred to as a pair. So take a moment to respect the incredible invention that is Scissors.

Russia Calls the Hump

Russia set off on an expedition today to put their flag at the bottom of the Arctic Ocean in order to lay claim to the oil and gas that might lie down there. This is a crafty move on Russia's part. The Russians are comparing it to putting a flag on the moon, and if putting a flag on the moon is like calling "Shotgun" before you get into a car, then putting a flag at the bottom of the ocean is like calling the middle of the back seat. Sure, getting to sit shotgun is exciting. But what real benefits does it have? Ample leg room, I suppose. But the middle of the back seat is where it's really at! Yes, it will be cramped back there. Being at the bottom of the ocean you'll be stuck between the ocean floor and tons of liquid pressure. But, there are so many advantages to being in the middle of the back seat. For instance, you have access to both of the pockets on the back of the two front seats, and there are all sorts of exciting treasures in those pockets. So kudos to you Russia. Way to go where no man had really considered going before.

Take A Chill Pill

A new birth control pill, called Lybrel, has been released that will not only eliminate the chance of having a baby, but will also make it so women don't have to go through their period. Some women are against this idea saying that it is unnatural. I think they are just PMSing about it and in a few days they will be a little easier to talk to.