Nate is a Blog

Nate is a Father

2008-08-04T03:44:00.001-07:00

Wondering where Nate went? He's at improvisingfatherhood.com. You should be too!

Stay Tuned

2008-07-06T23:46:00.000-07:00

For all you loyal reader...s out there, please stay tuned. Nate is a Blog is going to have a new blog site with a new name. As soon as it's up and ready I'll let you know more about it. Thanks for being patient.

10 Machines I'd like to see as Transfomers in Transformers 2

2008-06-16T02:33:00.000-07:00

Michael Bay and his goons are already hard at work on the sequel to the first Transformers movie. The first one was great because we got to see all the characters we had grown to love as children. But for this go around, I'd like to see some new characters emerge.

10 Machines I'd like to see as Transformers in the Sequel

1. Short Bus: An Autobot named Helmet.
2. Wrecking Ball Crane: This could be Optimus Prime's wife which he would refer to as his ol' Ball & Chain.
3. Claw Vending Machine AKA the Crane Game at Wal-Mart: This Autobot would have all sorts of useful weapons inside of him, but in order to get them out, the other Autobots have to play him.
4. Blackberry: This Decepticon would be the first legitimate iPhone killer.
5. Nintendo Wii Fit: This Decepticon would take the "slowly but surely" route to killing humans by tricking children into thinking they are working out until eventually all humans are fat blobs and we have no chance to defend ourselves.
6. Treadmill: I'm pretty sure treadmills already are evil robots set out to destroy us. See this video for proof.
7. Battery Charger: This would be another Decepticon that would trick you into thinking it is charging your precious batteries, and then when you need battery power the most, you've been Decepticonned!
8. Transformer (as in the power generator): "Transformer! More than meets the name!"
9. Stupid Japanese Trumpet Playing Robot: "Oh, that robot is useless...it's just playing the trumpet. It's not even actually playing the trumpet. It's just holding a trumpet to its face and emitting trumpet sounds from its speakers. Big deal....WAIT! IT TURNED INTO A BIGGER SCARIER ROBOT! OH GOD! IT'S KILLING EVERYONE!"
10. Al Gore: He is a robot...right?

Obama's Picks for VP

2008-06-10T20:02:00.000-07:00

So according to this article at CNN.com Barack Obama and his crack squad of strategirizers are discussing their top 20 possible choices for Obama's Vice President. Barack is keeping the list to himself which, if you ask me, is pretty elitist. Everyone is expecting an elite list (there he goes again!) of politicians. But I'd like to see Obama get a little more creative with his choice for VP. Here are my ideas.

10 People I Hope Barack Obama Chooses as Vice President

1. Bill Clinton: I'd like to see Barack's vindictive side come out by forcing the former first lady to now be the second lady.
2. Stephen Colbert: I put him on this list just hoping to get the "Colbert Bump."
3. Oprah: Let's spread the "everyone gets a car!" love around a little more.
4. Michael Jackson: Then people will stop saying Barack isn't black enough.
5. John McCain: It's hard to run for President when you're also running for Vice President against yourself.
6. Donald Trump: If Barack wants to shake up Washington, he's going to need someone on his side who knows how to say, "You're Fired!"
7. Osama Bin Laden: Maybe if they are standing next to each other West Virginians will finally realize they are not the same guy.
8. Christopher Walken: I'd just really love to hear him talk about taxes.
9. Amy Poehler as Hillary Clinton: Hillary Clinton as VP would be annoying, but Amy Poehler as Hillary Clinton as VP would be hillarious!
10. Dick Cheney: Sometimes you just need a guy who is willing to shoot people in the face.

X-Rayted Security

2008-06-07T11:11:00.000-07:00

I just read an article on USATODAY.com that says 10 airports have installed new body scanner machines that are capable of seeing through people's clothing...for security reasons. This has raised a lot of questions, but my only question is where do I apply? For years the job of airport security has been considered one of the worst jobs ever. You sit in a dingy crowded airport regulating the traffic of angry rushing passengers for low pay. Not a lot of fun...until now! Leave your quarters at home because you get paid to watch this peep show. And don't be sheepish. You need to really scrutinize those body parts to make sure there isn't something dangerous in there.

I have a feeling the airport security's terrorist profile is going to change from middle eastern men to cheerleaders.

Are Wii Fit or are Wii Fat?

2008-06-05T22:16:00.000-07:00

Video games have always given the children of America the chance to live out their fantasies in a digital reality. Whether they dreamt of being an italian plumber who could break bricks with his fist, a frog trying to cross a busy street, or simply a floating stick, video games made it happen. And now the makers of the Nintendo Wii are giving American children the chance to live out their wildest dream yet, the dream of being fit.

It's ironic really. Back in the days before video games, in order to live out their fantasies, kids had to play games outside. They would run around playing cops & robbers, or pretend to be captains of spaceships. Or they would play sports and make believe they were their favorite sports heroes. Back then kids were in shape.

Then video games came along. Suddenly kids could be whoever they wanted to be right in the comfort of their home with a plate of cookies within reach. It was video games that made the kids of America fat. And now that their biggest dream is to get fit, what's the solution?

Video games.

I sure hope Nintendo comes out with Wii Work* so these newly fit kids can get a job someday.

Twitterize your life

2008-06-05T00:08:00.000-07:00

I recently jumped on the Twitter bandwagon. Now I am constantly telling my friends, and some strangers, what I am doing at all times. For those of you who don't know, twitter.com is a social site where people can keep in quick constant contact with others by simply answering one question, "What are you doing?" It's kind of like when you are using an instant messenger program, or facebook or myspace, and it has that status message that tells everyone what you are up to...except...it's just the status message and nothing else. It's complicated, I know.

Anyway, I've been keeping people updated on what I'm doing at all times, except there are some times when I don't want people to know what I am doing. For instance, when I'm throwing a fit because they put vegetables on my cheeseburger even though I expressly requested no vegetables on my cheeseburger, I don't tell people about that. So I realized I am selectively telling people what I am doing. I am giving people a false sense of who I really am, because I am only telling them about the good things I am doing. Then I realized I could take this one step further. Not only could I make people think I am a better person than I really am by not telling them about bad things I do, but I could make people think I am a really good person by telling them I'm doing really good things that I'm not actually doing. Because how would they know? It's twitter! There's no accountability here.

To follow my every fake action, go to twitter.com/natesmithlive

The In-Blank-ble Hulk

2008-05-31T14:23:00.000-07:00

So Universal Pictures has basically decided to shake the etcha-sketch on their original Incredible Hulk movie, which they released in 2003, and start all over this time with Edward Norton as the big green hero. Now most people will agree the first one wasn't that great and could really use a makeover. But I say, why stop at changing the writers, actors, and director? Let's change the character too! That whole "You won't like me when I'm angry," thing is so over done. So instead of a new Incredible Hulk movie, let's see a movie about a different kind of Hulk.

10 Hulk Movies I'd rather see. (In no particular order!)

1. The Infallible Hulk : Instead of Edward Norton as the Hulk, how about the Pope?

2. The Inedible Hulk: I will not eat Green Eggs and Hulk.

3. The Indisputable Hulk: The Hulk enters himself into the Mr. Universe body building contest, and is losing, until he gets very angry and becomes the clear winner.

4. The Insatiable Hulk: The Hulk cruises through the red light district in a desperate attempt to satisfy his inner urges.

5. The Intangible Hulk: This is a sequel to the Hulk movies, where he comes back as a ghost.

6. The Inconceivable Hulk: I really can't imagine what this would be.

7. The Indescribable Hulk: In this movie, the Hulk would be this kind of...well, he would be a big...you know...it's hard to put it into words. You'll just have to see it.

8. The Interchangeable Hulk: So at first Eric Bana would be the Hulk, and then it would be Edward Norton....

9. The Indecipherable Hulk: The Hulk is a college professor with a speech impediment. Frustrated by his students' inability to understand him, all Hulk breaks loose. (I am copyrighting that brilliant tag line!)

10. The Inadmissible Hulk: Roger Clemens' lawyer attempts to admit the Hulk as evidence in his steroids trial, but the judge won't allow it.

Nate is a part time Blog

2008-05-30T23:56:00.000-07:00

If this site makes you laugh, and you wish it was updated more frequently, please donate to the Best Nate Smith Ever! using one of the options below.

"But Nate, why should I give you any money?"

Well, respected reader, I'd like to spend 40 hours a week working on this blog so that every time you visit you have something new to laugh at. But until I can make as much money from this as I do from my job, I can't convince my wife to let me quit my day job. So you can either donate a few bucks, or break up my marriage...but I really like my marriage.

To make a payment via check, money order, cash, or gold bars, please use the following mailing address:

Best Nate Smith Ever!

PO Box 426

West Linn, OR, 97068

Please make your checks payable to Nate Smith.

Don't have any money? Here are a list of 10 things I will take as donations instead of money.

1. Nunchucks

2. Any other ninja weapons

3. really cool notebooks

4. a job writing for a late night talk show.

5. high fives. (Please deliver this one in person)

6. Mike & Ikes

7. Mt. Dew

8. The name and contact information of a Nate Smith that you think I should challenge in the Best Nate Smith Ever! contest.

9. A real live Unicorn (no fakes will be accepted)

10. Something that I could easily sell for money.

Best Nate Smith Ever! Part 6 - Revenge of the Smith

2008-05-17T15:56:00.000-07:00

That's right gang! The world's greatest competition is back! No, I'm not talking about American Gladiators, but yes that is back too and it is AWESOME! I love watching semi-fit 30 somethings having knee injuries in front of a live studio audience. But the contest I'm talking about is BEST NATE SMITH EVER! Many of you are familiar with this contest, but for those of you who are not, you might want to read Parts 1 through Death, which you can find on the right side of my blog under my list of "Best Nate is a Blogs Ever!"

It has been a long time since the last BNSE! contest. The reason for that is simple. Ninja Nate Smith. My life was threatened, and in order to prove that my life as a Nate Smith is better than other Nate Smiths, I have to actually have a life. But I have been called out. This Nate Smith here has contacted me via email. Before I go on, I want to say that while email is still a valid way to contact me, I'd really prefer to be contacted via my very own Nate Signal.

Now...let the brutality begin! When this Nate Smith first contacted me, he started off by telling me that he writes for a newspaper, which was pretty exciting. But things are not always as exciting as they seem. In his email he said "I write for the Washington Times" and I was like, "Woah!" But I continued reading that sentence and realized it said, "I write for the Washington Times-Herald" and I was like, "Oh...but that's still cool. I wonder where it's located." So I continued reading. "I write for the Washington Times-Herald in Washington" and I was like, "Jackpot!" But then I finished the sentence. "I write for the Washington Times-Herald in Washington Indiana." WTF!?!?! Saying that you write for the Washington Times-Herald in Washington Indiana, is like saying you went to the University of Miami in Ohio, which in turn is like saying you are serving Chicken of the Sea Tuna. There's no chicken in the sea, there's no Miami in Ohio, and there's no Washington in Indiana. And sure, you can get technical and say that all of these things actually do exist, but don't try to pass them off like they are a big deal. You know what, I actually write for a pretty big news organization as well. That's right. I am a writer for CNN.com...in their blogs section...as a freelance commenter.

And the deception continues. Big Shot Nate Smith goes on to say, "I have won one award." Ooh! Fancy! Wait, let's read the whole sentence. "I have won one award, a third place..." No, Big Shot Nate Smith, you did not win an award. You won a concession. He then goes on to say "I won a second place award..." Wait a minute! Which is it? Did you win one award or two awards? I guess this is the kind of journalistic integrity you can expect from a staff writer for an Indiana newspaper that tries to pretend it is the Washington Times.

That being said, I checked out Big Shot Nate Smith's newspaper at washtimesherald.com and it turns out they are pretty legit. The paper itself has a circulation of about 9,100 people on a daily basis, and just recently won first place for deadline news reporting for Division 4 Newspapers. Big Shot Nate Smith himself, won two more 2nd place awards for his writing this year. I on the other hand have this blog, which has a circulation of about 14 people on a weekly basis and has won no legitimate awards. When you look at it from that stand point, Big Shot Nate Smith seems like the clear choice for Best Nate Smith Ever! But...let's look at it from another stand point. Does he look as awesome as I do with a mustache?

No, clearly he does not. He looks ridiculous. Therefore, I am going to have to rule in favor of myself today. I am the Best Nate Smith Ever!

Now I realize there are about 9,100 in Indiana who might disagree with me. If you want to defend Big Shot Nate Smith's honor, I am willing to listen. Post a comment and state your case. There are two things you must do to catapult Big Shot Nate Smith to victory. One is present a picture of BSNS with a mustache that looks more awesome than I do. The other is for 1,000 Washington Times-Herald readers to visit this site.If you do both of these things, I will claim Big Shot Nate Smith as the Best Nate Smith Ever! Good luck!

For the 14 of you who are my regular readers, you can check out Big Shot Nate Smith's writing at this link here.

Best Nate Smith Ever! World Rankings

1. Ninja Nate Smith

2. Nate Smith Comedy

3. Big Shot Nate Smith

4. Banjo Nate Smith

5. High Nate Smith

X. Fire Pirate Nate Smith (Murdered by Ninja)

X. Crooked Hat Nate Smith (stabbed by Ninja in extremely large neck)

Lions, Tigers and Squares, Oh My!

2008-05-12T20:06:00.000-07:00

According to this article (see here) Stephen Hawking is going on safari. He's traveling through South Africa in search of Africa's Einstein. I immediately had a flurry of ideas to write on this topic all of which seemed dead set on offending either Africans, or people in wheelchairs. So instead, here are the

Top 10 posts about Stephen Hawking going to Africa that I won't write.

1. Hawking does Circles of Life in his wheelchair.

2. Hawking receives standing ovation, the ultimate insult.

3. Genius gets sunburn.

4. Hawking visits Africa, cures AIDS in 2 days.

5. Hawking has mosquito net installed on wheelchair.

6. Hawking changes theory to "African Holes."

7. Hawking studies Big Bang in Africa, returns with Jungle Fever.

8. Super Genius in wheelchair visits Africa, locals were hoping for Superman in wheelchair.

9. Hawking goes to Africa, wheelchair overheats.

10. Hawking searches for African Einstein...or Don King.

2nd Place, A Major Put Down

2008-05-05T00:13:00.001-07:00

Sports history was made this week at the prestigious Kentucky Derby when the runner up horse, Eight Belles, was euthanized on the track. Now a lot of people are saying this is a tragedy, but I say one horse’s big sleep is another horse’s big wake up call. Finally winning is important again. As a child I grew up with a poster on my wall that said “I play to win,” but for years now I’ve had to listen to yuppies drone on about how doing your best is all that matters. They say things like “Everyone is a winner!” and “It’s not whether you win or lose, but how you play the game.” But not the folks at the Kentucky Derby. They say, “If you’re not a winner, you’re a goner.” And I applaud that mentality. Kids need to learn that it’s a tough world out there and that doing your best doesn’t matter unless it happens to be better than everyone else’s best.
I think we should institute a “Win or Die” policy in more competitive arenas. Now I’m not proposing we kill everyone who loses, just the competitors who come in second place. This would really up the intensity of all those championship games that end up being blow outs. For example, if the Colorado Rockies knew they were going to be euthanized when they lost to the Boston Red Sox in the 2007 World Series, they would have let the Arizona Diamondbacks play them instead. Then we might have had a much more interesting World Series to watch.
And I don’t think we should single out sports with this new policy. I think we should put down the runner up in any major contest.Take the Democratic Primaries for example. Once the Democratic Nominee is elected, the runner up should be shot. Of course if Barack Obama wins, we run a strong chance of them both being shot.
What I’m trying to say is, someday I hope to have a son of my own. And I hope that, just like me, he’ll grow up with an inspirational poster on his wall. But instead of it saying, “I play to win,” it will say, “I play to not die.”

Go BLANK Yourself!

2008-05-01T00:10:00.000-07:00

Every now and then life hands you a moment in which the absolute perfect response is to yell "Go f@#k yourself!" But sometimes life hands you those moments while you are standing next to an impressionable child, running for public office, or devoting your life to being a monk. It is during these times that I suggest the following alternatives.

Top 10 non-foul-mouthed ways to fill in the blank for the phrase "Go BLANK yourself!"

1. Go punch Yourself! Especially effective if the intended receiver is a boxer.
2. Go delete yourself! Good for online banter.
3. Go know thyself! Great for outbursts during bible study.
4. Go suck yourself! Tell that vaccuum who's boss.
5. Go explode yourself! Should be shouted from a distance.
6. Go Britney Spears yourself! Because whatever she did to herself, it’s worse than what you want them to do to themselves.
7. Go fix yourself! Either a much more productive request, or a request for them to cut off their junk.
8. Go blog yourself! That’s the hip thing these days.
9. Go puncture yourself! Good for any occasion.
10. Go tell yourself to "Go f@#k yourself!"! It doesn't keep it clean, but it messes with their head.

iBGTD

2008-04-29T00:06:00.000-07:00

Several weeks ago, I wrote about how I am in need of a new PDA (see iDGTD). The problem is, I am a bit of a slacker and need someone to keep me on task so that I can get things done. After doing quite a bit of research, I think I have finally found the perfect person to be my Personal Data Assistant. Dick Cheney. He just spent 8 years being the President’s PDA, and seeing as how he’s going to be out of a job soon I thought he’d like to do some work in the private sector for a while. And with Cheney as my PDA, my motto would be iBGTD, as in, “I Better Get Things Done...or Dick Cheney will shoot me in the face.” (I just wanted to get the quail hunting joke out of the way early)

Here are 10 reasons Dick Cheney would be the perfect Personal Data Assistant.

1.He doesn’t give in to peer pressure. And by peer pressure I mean 80% of the nation.
2.Every time he asks you to do something, you can assume it is probably his last dying wish.
3.If you don’t do what Dick Cheney says, the terrorists win.
4.Look at that picture. Do you have the balls to tell him no?
5.When he makes threats like, “if you don’t take out the trash I will eat your baby!” you know he means it.
6.You don’t want to mess with him because he probably still has access to a few nukes.
7.He’s proven that he can accomplish his goals no matter how many forms of government try to stop him.
8.When trying to get out of doing something, you can’t appeal to his good side, because he doesn’t have one.
9.He’ll do your dirty work for you.
10. If you don’t do what he says, he’ll shoot you in the face. (Okay, I ran out of reasons)

I Have Financial Aids

2008-04-22T23:50:00.000-07:00

So my wife and I decided (okay, just my wife decided) that we should meet with a financial advisor to make sure we were on the right track fiscally. We’ve got a mortgage, and a car payment, and my undying addiction to Mt. Dew to deal with, and we want to invest our money wisely so that some day we can stop living paycheck to paycheck. So we signed up to meet a financial advisor. Now, in our relationship, Ashley is the brains of the operation. I am...well really I am the ass of the operation. I’m not that smart, I sit around a lot, and I kind of smell bad. So Ashley controls all of our finances and she knows what’s up. That being said, she is not a monetary master, and the last time she met with a financial advisor, he made her feel like an idiot. The worst part is, at the end of the meeting he asked her, “Now, will your husband be joining us next time?” As if to assume I would have a better grasp of the situation. This really offends me. Do I look like the kind of guy who would know a lot about money?So today I am going with Ashley to meet this guy, and it is my goal to make it abundantly clear that I am not in any way helpful when having a financial conversation.

Here are 10 questions I plan on asking during my Financial advisory meeting.

Can you give me advice on how to get my face on the dollar bill?
I’ve been told I should put my money in a CD, but don’t you think music is going to be completely digital soon?
Should I buy Boardwalk?
If have more money than I can hold in my wallet, what’s another good place to keep my money?
I’ve been told that the Lottery is for entertainment purposes only and should not be used for investment, but it seems like a pretty good investment to me.
My Grandpa knew how to pull quarters out of my ear. Can you do that?
Should I be taking more advantage of that whole “Give a penny take a penny” thing?
People often say, “You have to spend money to make money.” I’ve been spending money like crazy. When does the making money part happen?
If I had a vault of coins like Scrooge McDuck, would I really be able to swim through it?
How much should I pay someone to give me financial advice?

Hobophobia

2008-04-22T15:57:00.000-07:00

I have a confession to make. I am hobophobic. Now, before you get all up in arms and start having parades all up and down my neighborhood, look closely. I didn’t say I’m homophobic, I said I am HOBOphobic. I have an intense fear of Hobos. And I’m not talking about homeless people. I’ve got no beef with them, nor do I fear them. I’m talking specifically about Hobos. Train riding, pie stealing, no-teeth having, Hobos.
Now, a lot of people might be thinking, “what’s wrong with Hobos? They’re harmless.” But that is a damn lie. When you think of Hobos what is the first thing you picture? A sack tied to the end of a stick, right? But have you ever wondered what they really carry in those sacks? Have you ever noticed the size of those sacks? They are the size of a human head! And that is exactly what those so-called harmless Hobos are carrying around all the time. The head of their most recent victim. Why else would they choose to live the lifestyle that they do? If you had lopped off someone’s head and were carrying it around in a sack tied to a stick, would you stay in one town for very long? No, you’d hop on the nearest train you could and ride it to the next town where you could find your next victim.

That’s why every time I hear the train near my house, I take my pies off the window sill and immediately lock up all the doors and windows. And if you don’t want to end up with your head in a sack, you should too.

He Was a Hanger of Cliffs

2008-04-16T13:52:00.000-07:00

It might be a little late for me to be reviewing the movie Cliffhanger, starring Sylvester Stallone, but I watched it for the very first time today. Cliffhanger was just one of those movies that I didn’t get a chance to see in the theaters. So when I saw that I could watch it for free on my Comcast On Demand service, I took a leap of faith (hell yes that pun was intended).
Now, I’m not sure if this movie was good when it originally played in theaters, but it sure didn’t stand the test of time. You know how sometimes you don’t see a movie for a long time, and then you finally rent it and it was so good that you are like, “Man, I can’t believe I didn’t see that sooner. I’m an idiot!” Or other times you are like, “Man, that movie was horrible. No wonder I didn’t watch that in the first place. I’m an idiot!” I guess what I’m trying to say is that I’m always an idiot, but this time I was the second kind.
For a movie titled Cliffhanger you’d think there’d be a lot of moments where you are like, “I wonder what’s going to happen next!” That really wasn’t the case, although there were a lot of times where I was like, “I wonder how bad it is going to get next!” And I have to say, I was consistently surprised at how bad it got at each turn.I guess now I know why this movie was one of the free options in On Demand. But maybe, in order to make the service a little more accurate, they should shorten the name and just simply call it On.

iDGTD

2008-04-13T13:38:00.000-07:00

Staying on task has always been a bit of a problem for me. It’s not that I don’t want to get things done, it’s just that my brain doesn’t necessarily...work. You could say my mind is like a steel trap, except the hinge is completely broken. So really my mind is a big heavy sharp paper weight.
So when it comes to getting things done, or as the cyber community calls it, GTD, unless I have a really good system in place, I DGTD (don’t get things done). I’ve tried all the usual task management techniques and none of them seem to work for me. That’s why I’ve decided to get a Personal Data Assistant. No, I’m not getting a Palm Pilot or some other fancy schmancy electronic device. I am literally going to hire an assistant who’s sole job will be to manage all of my personal data. This of course won’t be an easy job by any means. Let’s just say I have a lot of personal data.

So how will I find the perfect PDA? What are my options? For starters, there’s my wife. I have to admit, having someone keep me organized and remind me of all those important dates that I can never seem to remember (like anniversaries) is a major part of why I got married in the first place. And my wife is amazing at remembering important information. If my mind is a paper weight, hers is a super computer. She can hold seemingly an infinite amount of information in her brain, and she remembers EVERYTHING! (Especially things involving me being wrong.) Unfortunately, while her mind is like a computer, I apparently don’t have administrative privileges. Rather than keeping me on task with all the things I want to get done, she seems to only be able to keep me on task with the things SHE wants me to get done. Things like doing the dishes, taking out the trash, and paying attention to her.

So maybe my wife isn’t the perfect PDA. I guess I’ll have to hold a series of official try outs to find the best Personal Data Assistant. Check back later to see the results.

I'm Not Leaving...On a Jet Plane!

2008-04-11T13:18:00.000-07:00

Recently hundreds of thousands of Americans have been stranded in Airports as their flights have been cancelled. This is a serious problem and if it is not solved soon, the end result could be 300,000 Americans turning into Tom Hanks’ character from “The Terminal.”

The reason this crisis has occurred, according to airline officials, is that a majority of their planes have failed the Federal Aviation Administration safety inspections. BORING! If my flight is going to be delayed and I have to sit in an airport and eventually become a Hangar Hobo (I just coined that) then I want a better excuse than, “Sorry, we just don’t think our planes are very safe.” Give me an excuse with a little more...zazz!

Here are are 10 excuses I’d rather hear for why my flight has been cancelled.

“Literally there are snakes on the plane.”
“Sorry, your flight has been cancelled due to explosion.”
“Your plane is currently under attack by ninjas.”
“Turns out your plane was a decepticon, and it has murdered the pilot.”
“Your pilot is afraid of heights.”
“We are almost ready. We just had to make a minor repair to the plane but we ran out of duct tape.”
“We are just waiting for your pilot’s suicide medication to take effect.”
“We lost your plane.”
“Everything is ready to go, we just need a little more time to root through your luggage.”
“Global warming?”

Nate is a Juror

2008-01-24T12:48:00.000-08:00

Great...I've been chosen for Jury Duty. I got a letter in the mail and was assigned a number. I checked the website the night before the case and my number was called in. Damn. I went to the court house the day of the case and my number was called again. Damn. I went into the court room with the other jury hopefuls (maybe hopelesses?) and I was asked to stay. Damn. Apparently, I'm just too normal. If only I had the logic and reasoning skills of a stray dog, I could have gotten myself excused. But no. Because I am able to put the differences between me and the defendant aside and judge the defendant based on the facts, I qualify. (By the way, I want you to notice how good I am being about not revealing actual details of the case, going so far as not even mentioning the fact that the defendant is a woman...damn it!)

So here I am, eating a horrible ham sandwich (which is paid for so I guess the standards don't need to be that high) while I wait to be called back into the court room where I will listen to a defense lawyer who is horrible at pronouncing names (he almost botched 'Smith') and prosecuting attorney who is young and hip looking but when he speaks you realize his voice is way to low for his size (stop trying compensate for your adorable and youthful looks). Meanwhile, the judge seems to be asleep even when he is talking. Damn...

Wishbone's are legit!

2007-12-05T21:34:00.001-08:00

I know this post is a bit late but hey, the holidays are a busy
season. I just wanted to document my experience with the age old
tradition of breaking the wishbone. My wife and I decided to break a
wishbone together. I had what I thought was the most clever idea ever.
"Let's wish for the same thing so that we can be sure it will come
true!" What an amazing scheme! I immediately began thinking of the
possibilities. Nintendo Wii...new TV...lifetime supply of Mt. Dew.
Then I remembered that if we say it out loud it won't come true. So
Ashley and I agreed to silently guess what we both wanted. So now I'm
thinking a trip to the Bahamas...a new car...the trash to magically
take itself out. So we both grabbed the wishbone and pulled and as if
to say, "You can't trick me!" the wishbone broke into 4 even parts.
Neither one of us was the winner. I used to think wishbones were a
hokey tradition. Now I totally believe in them and can't wait for next
Thanksgiving. And I guess the trash won't be taken out anytime
soon...because hell if I'm going to do it.

2007-12-05T20:45:00.001-08:00

Tattooine

2007-10-07T13:25:00.000-07:00

I've never wanted a tattoo. I think they're dumb. Most tattoos are funny, clever, or meaningful at first but after a few years they are just embarrassing. There are very few tattoos that stand the test of time. And even though I will never get a tattoo, I've always wanted to figure out what the perfect tattoo would be. It'd have to be something that would either be funny forever, or always useful. Here's the ideas I've come up with so far.

Chest Hair: I'm never going to have real chest hair, and I don't really want hair on my chest, but occasionally some ladies do like men with chest hair, and it wouldn't hurt to at least give off the illusion of manliness.

Back Massage Grid: One of the most annoying things about getting a massage is giving directions to the masseuse. Your left, I mean my left, go down, a little lower, that's not my back. With a back massage grid I could simply say, "C 4" and get exactly what I'm looking for.

Growth Chart: I would love to go home to my childhood house and take the growth chart from my bedroom door and have it tattooed to my side from my ankles up.

Made in China: A little tattoo right above my butt that says "Made in China," just like a Troll Doll. I guess then I'd have to grow my hair out.

Property of Ashley Smith. If found please call 503-329-9778: This would be on my chest, that way if I get lost whoever finds me can return me to my owner. Of course, this only works if my wife never changes her phone number.

Your ad here: Hey, I'm for sale.

A heart with "Your Mom" inside it: This is a new twist on an old classic. Instead of a mushy shout out to my mom on my arm, how about a shout out to your mom.

A treasure map that ends with an X on my booty: This is merely meant to be a play on words, not an invitation for any kind of sexual activities.

Milk Milk Lemonade: There's an old wise saying that goes, "Milk, milk, lemonade, around the corner is where the fudge is made." I'd like to have a diagram of this phrase on my chest/backside.

My friend went to Niagra Falls and I didn't even get a stupid t-shirt: Self explanatory.

Barack Obomba

2007-10-02T10:40:00.000-07:00

Democratic presidential candidate Barack Obama on Tuesday called for ridding the world of nuclear weapons. Republican candidates quickly sided with Barack saying they knew of a few good places we could drop them.

Solar Powered Hotness

2007-10-01T13:40:00.000-07:00

So apparently the new hotness is this:

Solar powered jackets that enable you to charge your mobile gadgets from the comfort of your own pockets. I know how important it is to always have power, because everything I know, I learned from Back to the Future 2. (See Video) And I have lots of gadgets that need constant charging when I am out on the town. Let's see, there's my cell phone, and my iPod, and my PSP. Plus I always carry my own electric can opener in case I get struck with the sudden desire for some canned peas. And then there's my electric wallet that opens at the push of a button. It's a real bummer when that runs out of battery. Plus my electric pen that lights up as I write so that I know that I'm actually writing. And I have a laptop. And of course I have a electric motorized rolling carrying case for my laptop. Also I have a battery powered battery charger that is always seeming to run out of battery. So with all these essential tools, it's a no brainer to have apparel that will keep them all juiced up. But I must say I'm a bit disappointed in this approach. I always knew clothing that charges our batteries would be the wave of the future. I just assumed they would go with wind power instead.

Nike Native

2007-09-27T08:44:00.001-07:00

Nike is reportedly producing a line of shoes made soley for Native Americans. They will distributing the shoes to tribal wellness programs and tribal schools at a discount. They will be called the Air Natives. I know they have their own marketing team but I thought I'd take a shot at coming up with some slogan ideas. These may be racially insensitive.

Say "How" to the new Air Natives.
The Air Natives, not your chief's mocassins.
The Air Natives, $119.99 or 400 acres of reservation.
The Air Natives, because your athletic wear shouldn't be a gamble.
The Air Natives, reserve yours today.
The Air Natives, so good you'll give them as a gift and then take them back.
The Air Natives, hey sorry for that whole stealing your land thing.
The Air Natives, so comfortable the Trail of Tears is no big deal.
The Air Natives, What would you do with out the White Man?
The Air Natives, made for cheap by natives of another land. Sold for cheap to natives of this land.

Scissors Rule!

2007-09-24T09:24:00.000-07:00

Okay, maybe I'm geeking out a bit, but scissors are really really awesome! Wait, hear me out. I know we've all used scissors before and yeah there's nothing new about them. But I just used a pair of scissors to cut open a bag containing a yummy snack and I have to say, I was overwhelmed with joy over what an awesome piece of technology scissors are. Actually, I think my reaction appropriately matched the awesomeness of the situation so I guess I was just whelmed. But just think about how powerful scissors are! How many items were you constantly reminded not to run with when you were a child? (if scissors and the pool teamed up they would be a powerhouse) Scissors have used fear to maintain order in elementary class rooms throughout the ages. But scissors are more than just a method for enforcing juvenile speed limits. They are also the ambassadors to new businesses. Every day a new business is opened and with out a pair of scissors to cut that impenetrable ribbon in front of the store, how would customers ever get in? Scissors are so powerful that even though they are only one item, they are referred to as a pair. So take a moment to respect the incredible invention that is Scissors.

Russia Calls the Hump

2007-08-01T15:34:00.001-07:00

Russia set off on an expedition today to put their flag at the bottom of the Arctic Ocean in order to lay claim to the oil and gas that might lie down there. This is a crafty move on Russia's part. The Russians are comparing it to putting a flag on the moon, and if putting a flag on the moon is like calling "Shotgun" before you get into a car, then putting a flag at the bottom of the ocean is like calling the middle of the back seat. Sure, getting to sit shotgun is exciting. But what real benefits does it have? Ample leg room, I suppose. But the middle of the back seat is where it's really at! Yes, it will be cramped back there. Being at the bottom of the ocean you'll be stuck between the ocean floor and tons of liquid pressure. But, there are so many advantages to being in the middle of the back seat. For instance, you have access to both of the pockets on the back of the two front seats, and there are all sorts of exciting treasures in those pockets. So kudos to you Russia. Way to go where no man had really considered going before.

Take A Chill Pill

2007-08-01T11:36:00.000-07:00

A new birth control pill, called Lybrel, has been released that will not only eliminate the chance of having a baby, but will also make it so women don't have to go through their period. Some women are against this idea saying that it is unnatural. I think they are just PMSing about it and in a few days they will be a little easier to talk to.

That's Not Hot

2007-07-31T21:51:00.000-07:00

Nicole Richie is in the news again. Not to be outdone by Paris Hilton, her BFS (Best Friend Sometimes), Nicole has been sentenced to four days in jail for driving under the influence of drugs. She also announced that she is four months pregnant, so she'll be serving time for two. In an interview with Diane Sawyer (who has apparently given up on that whole journalism thing and is auditioning for a spot at E!) Nicole said, "I have a responsibility and it's something that I did wrong, and if I could personally apologize to every single person that has lost a loved one from drunk driving I would. Unfortunately I can't." Wait a minute. What do you mean you can't? What else do you have to do? (Besides serve four piddly days in jail) Do you really have that busy of a schedule? I mean, I guess you are about to have a baby and you might want to go shopping for baby clothes, but I bet most of your current clothes will fit your newborn. But I really think you should go door to door apologizing to ever single person that has lost a loved one from drunk driving. You could even make it into a reality show. Paris can go with you. You could call it "The Complicated Life." Paris could coin a new catch phrase and at the end of every session she could say, "That's sad." Think about it, Nicole. Or at least get someone to think about it for you.

Sitcoms, so easy a Caveman can...

2007-07-31T14:51:00.000-07:00

As you've all probably heard, ABC is making a sitcom based on the Geico "Caveman" commercials. And I know, this topic has already been covered by thousands of bloggerists and pundits and George Lopez (get over it George, you didn't get canned because you are chicano. You got canned because you're show wasn't that funny. But I'm sure you can still get a hosting gig on Telemundo's "El Precio es Correcto!"), but I'm not the type of person who likes to jump on a topic when it's hot and...topical. The early bird gets the worm, unless those birds are drinking out of a tequila bottle and in that case the last bird gets the worm.

I for one am actually pretty excited about this show. Not necessarily because I think it is going to be that good, but because it is literally (and by literally I mean figuratively) opening up pandora's box to a whole world of new sitcoms based on TV commercials. I think if the Cavemen series does well, the next show to be created from a series of commericals will be a remake of the classic sitcom The Odd Couple starring Tony Randall and Jack Klugman, only this time it is starring Mac and PC. Each episode would start like this,

"Hello, I'm a Mac." "And I'm a PC, and we share an apartment together, and man is it hilarious!" To make the show more current, Mac and PC will eventually fall in love, and the big cliffhanger at the end of the first season will be that they have decided to adopt a child! Will it be an iPod, or a Zune!?

NOOOO!!!!!!!

2007-07-12T10:52:00.000-07:00

This is bad folks! Real bad. I just read today on CNN.com that a pipeline in Mexico was attacked by a left-wing guerrilla group leaving several major factories shutdown for the time being. Some of the factories shutdown by this fiasco are Hershey's, Kellogg's, Honda, and Nissan. NO! These are some of our tastiest foods and the companies that are the best at delivering those tasty foods. This is mayhem! We are at risk of a major chocolate shortage! Run to your local grocer and stock up as soon as possible! Pretty soon the chocolate prices will be through the roof! And then there will be buying and selling of chocolate on the black market and people killing for Kellogg's!

That's the first problem. But we have another problem as well. How have guerrillas learned how to attack pipelines!? This is worse than when Raptors learned how to open doors. Also, how did they become left-wing guerrillas? Are these primates watching The Daily Show? Have they been listening to Al Franken and Michael Moore?

I'm scared America. I don't know about you, but I am going to the store right away and buying as much Hershey's and Kellogg's products as possible and then going home and guerrilla proofing my house. You should too!

Dear Michael Bay

2007-06-13T21:21:00.000-07:00

Dear Michael Bay,

First of all, I'd like to say that I am very excited for your latest film, Transfomers! I was a big fan of Transformers as a child. I know you are probably done filming and editing the movie, but I have a couple requests. First, I'd love to see a scene where one of the Transformers struggles to change from vehicle to robot. He gets almost all the way changed, and then gets stuck on one crucial piece. This is how it always went when I was playing with the toys, and I'd love for the movie to reflect that.

Second, I'd really like to see a scene where a human is sitting in a car, and is brutally killed when the Transformer changes from car to robot. The person would just be obliterated! That would be so gruesome! Maybe you could get Quentin Tarantino to guest direct that scene. Think about it.

Thanks,

Nate

The Bourne Iterations

2007-06-06T12:16:00.000-07:00

This Summer Matt Damon will be hitting the theaters hard with The Bourne Ultimatum, the third in the Jason Bourne series. The first two were The Bourne Identity and The Bourne Supremacy. Damon has claimed that this will be his last Bourne movie, but the studios would like to turn it into a franchise like the Bond films, using other actors to play the title role. Well the people over at Universal Pictures can rest a little easier now, because I have come up with 7 great Jason Bourne movie ideas (that way there will be 10 total films). I assume my check is in the mail.

1. The Bourne Bjorn: Jason Bourne finds out he has child and is forced to fight against his assassins with a baby strapped to his chest. In one scene he disguises the baby as a bomb and threatens his enemies by saying "I have an explosive!" In the next scene Bourne changes his baby's diaper and says "Man, I didn't realize you were that explosive." Huge laughs from the audience.
2. The Bourne Again Christian: Jason Bourne finds Jesus...and kills him.
3. The Bourne Identity Crisis: Jason Bourne thinks that before he lost his memory, he was destined to be a stand up comedian. After killing a heckler by strangling him with his microphone chord, he realizes he is an assassin after all.
4. The Bourne To Be Wild: Jason Bourne and some new found assassin friends go on a life changing road trip!
5. The Bourne Being Born: A prequel to all the Bourne movies, which shows Jason Bourne fighting his way out of his mother's womb.
6. The Bourne Illegitimacy: Jason Bourne finds out that he is an illegitimate child.
7. The Bourne Yesterday: After sustaining a brutal head wound, Jason Bourne is reduced to the mental equivalent of a 4 year old. Hilarity ensues.

Think With Your Headline

2007-06-06T10:03:00.000-07:00

A headline on CNN.com today reads "Plane Crash May Cost Transplant Patient His Life." Shouldn't that read, "Plane Crash DID Cost Pilot His Life" ?

Believe it to Beaver

2007-06-05T22:56:00.000-07:00

An article in CNN.com said quoted today, "During the first GOP presidential debate last month in California, three Republican candidates raised eyebrows by indicating they did not subscribe to Charles Darwin's theory of evolution, a widely accepted scientific concept about the origins of life." Here are 10 more things those republican candidates secretly (or not so secretly) don't believe in.

1. Gravity.
2. A woman's right to vote.
3. Democracy.
4. That every time a bell rings, an angel gets its wings.
5. Affirmative action.
6. If you hold your face like that for too long it will freeze that way.
7. Santa.
8. You must wait 1 full hour after eating before you go swimming.
9. Paying it forward.
10. Life after love.

Freed Willies

2007-05-30T14:24:00.000-07:00

A headline on CNN.com today read "Whales May Have Slipped Into Ocean Before Dawn." The story goes on to say that two whales that had gotten lost and ended up near the Golden Gate Bridge may have found their way back into the Ocean on Wednesday morning. Rescuers had planned on returning them to their rightful home, but when they showed up this morning the Whales were already gone. A search for them yeilded no results and it is believed they are back in the wild. But don't be surprised if next summer there is a Free Willy 4 in a theater near you.

10 Movies I Wish Hollywood Would Make

2007-05-28T20:45:00.000-07:00

1. Hannibal Lectern: A movie about a podium that eats people as they try to give speeches.
2. Pulp Diction: A movie about two guys with really bad vocabularies.
3. Lamp Before Time: A movie about how fire was discovered by three young dinosaurs.
4. Rakes on a Plane: While walking through the aisle of a jetliner, Samuel L. Jackson continuously steps on rakes, causing them to hit him in the face over and over until he finally yells "I'm tired of all these Mother F#%*in' rakes on this Mother F#%*in' Plane!
5. Pirates of the Carabiner: Captain Jack Sparrow climbs the 7 Deadly Trees in search of gold.
6. Schindler's Lisp: A Nazi struggles with his inability to pronounce the word "execute."
7. So I Married an Axe: A complete shot by shot re-make of Mike Meyer's "So I Married an Axe Murderer" only this time his love interest is an axe.
8. 3 Men and a Kid: A re-make of the 3 Men and a Baby movie, only instead of a baby, it's a goat!
9. Mortal Wombat: Cute and cuddly little wombats destroy each other in a martial arts tournament to the death.
10. Jurassic Pork: The Pornographic prequel to Jurassic Park which explains how the dinosaurs were really created.

Are You Healthier Than a Fifth Grader?

2007-05-23T18:46:00.000-07:00

So I'm strolling through grocery store, and by that I mean I was fighting traffic in an extremely aggravated manner and cussing out little stay at home moms as they amble down the aisles with no real sense of direction, and what do I find? Maybe the greatest food item endorsed by a redneck comedian ever! Jeff Foxworthy "Premium Quality" Beef Jerky. YESSSSSS!!!! A quote from Jeff says that this beef jerky is so good you'll want to eat it naked. I highly doubted that. Of all the foods in the world that I would consider it a faux pas to eat while naked, jerky really takes the cake. But once I got home and opened up a bag of Jeff's Jerky, oddly enough I found myself wanting to remove articles of clothing. Don't worry, I was able to maintain control. But damn, it is good. My Wife and I seriously considered going back to the grocery store, and filling a shopping cart with it, and then having a week's worth of meals that consisted solely of Jeff Foxworthy Beef Jerky and potato chips.

Another noteworthy item is the sticker that says "10% MORE." If you look closer it goes on to say "than 3.65 oz. size!" Well, it's a 4 oz. bag. So, I would sure hope that they'd give us 10% more when the bag is 10% bigger. But I guess that is pretty exciting.

Anyway, look for this at your local grocer. It should be right next to the Jeff Foxworthy Defibrillator. "So much voltage, you'll want to defibrillate yourself naked!"

Ode to the Helicopter Hangy Thingy

2007-05-16T20:57:00.000-07:00

Okay, so officially they're called skids, but I want to pay tribute to those landing bars that are on the bottom of Helicopters that are always being hung onto by action heroes. Can you imagine what our world would be like if we didn't have those? Well, I guess first of all, there would be 100% more helicopter crashes because without those there is no way you can land a chopper safely. But besides that, just think of all the time a villain would have gotten away because the hero didn't have anything to grab onto and then climb up and kill the bad guys. Those hangy thingies are the unsung hero of the crime fighting world.

When I originally set out to write this post, I had grand visions of posting a bunch of pics from classic action flicks where a hero is hanging from the skid of a helicopter. But I spent approximately 3 hours scouring google images and could not find one satisfactory pic. This makes this famous helicopter part even more majestic. Now, like Unicorns, we know that they exist and that they are glorious, but we can't seem to proof of their existence. I mean, sure, I can find plenty of pictures of the actual part, just like I can find plenty of pictures of a real horse. But just try finding a picture of a person hanging from one. You'll find it just as impossible as finding a real picture of a horse with a single horn on its head. But yet, we know both of those things exist.

Glorious.

if I say so

2007-05-13T22:59:00.000-07:00

I've come to a realization that anytime I make a declaration that I'm going to do something, I don't do it. It's not that I am not trying to do it. I fully intend to do it. But invariably, something gets in my way. Case in point: I recently declared that I was going to take a hiatus from this blog. After a couple of weeks, I missed it so damn much that I started writing it again. So then I declared that I was going to start writing this blog regularly again. And now...it's been 6 days since my last post. And let's face it, I was pretty much just phoning it in on those posts. At first I thought this was a horrible character flaw on my part. Look at me! I'm the guy who can't make good on any of his promises. But then I realized, even if I promised to be a slacker, I couldn't live "up" to that. So maybe my curse, is really my power. Maybe I can use this power for good. Maybe I can start declaring that I am NOT going to do certain things that I do want to do. For instance, I am not going to ever get my own comedy show on national TV. That's right! I said it people! NEVER! I will never do that! Also, I will never punch Dr. Phil in the throat (I would have gone for punching him in the balls, but there seems to be a layer of fat blocking access to his balls, and his throat is a much bigger target anyway). And, I am NEVER going to cheat on my wife...wait, I mean I WILL cheat on my wife!
Of course, now that I think about it, based on the theory that whatever I say will happen, the opposite happens, I guess this curse will no longer exist. Crap.

Just Nuke It!

2007-05-07T10:36:00.000-07:00

In an article in news.sky.com scientists claim to have created a machine that can give you an 8 hour sleep in just 3 hours. Using a technique called Transcranial Magnetic Stimulation the scientists can induce slow waves like the ones your brain gives off when you are in your deepest sleep.

"The TMS device sends harmless magnetic signals through the scalp and skull and into the brain where it activates electrical impulses."

It's kind of like sticking a frozen pizza in the microwave and having a tasty treat in a matter of minutes. Only instead of a frozen pizza, it's your brain!

So is this a good idea? Or a bad idea? Let's weigh the pros and cons together.

Pro: No more sleepless nights.
Con: No more "sleepless night" excuses.

Pro: Great for making sure your buddy doesn't wake up before you finish drawing on his face.
Con: I'm usually that buddy.

Pro: More time to get stuff done.
Con: More time to feel bad about how much you haven't done.

Whenever technology like this is invented, I always like to figure out how it could be used to fight crime. For instance, if we could refine this technology and turn the TMS device into a ray gun, the police could knock out criminals in a safe manner. Or create a giant TMS turret gun that could be used for riot control. Of course, were these items to fall into the wrong hands, it could be devastating!

3-Duh

2007-05-07T09:27:00.000-07:00

According to this article in the NY Times we will soon be able to download 3-D plans for different objects, and physically print them right in our own homes! So for example, if you lost the battery cover to your cell phone, boom! You can print a new one. Currently the going rate for one of these 3-D printers is about $15,000 but some companies hope to make them available for the low low price of $4,995 by the end of the year. And you know the price is only going to keep going down. I can't wait to get one of these bad boys. Here are first ten 3-D objects I would print.

1. Nunchucks: Duh!
2. Mustache: I would put myself in the printer like a piece of paper, and have the mustache printed right on me!
3. 2-D printer: I still don't have one of those.
4. Egg McMuffin: Mmmmmm...
5. iPhone: obviously.
6. Unicorn: They exist now!
7. Bottle of Mt. Dew: 3-D refreshment.
8. 3-D glasses: That way I can see everything I've printed.
9. Trash can: I have a feeling there's going to be a lot of mistakes.
10. Pirate Ship: The only way to travel.

Houston...We have a question.

2007-05-02T21:04:00.000-07:00

An article on CNN.com yesterday announced that NASA was dealing with a lot of uncomfortable questions. Among these questions were if they were one a 3 year mission to Mars and an astronaut died, should they dispose of the body, and if so, how? Another question they are tossing around in their think tanks is how should astronauts handle their sexual needs during an extended space mission? (Remember, things are messier in zero gravity)

Here are 10 more awkward questions I'd like to see NASA deal with:

1. After 2 years of space travel, is it okay to tell your co-astronaut that he has been saying your name wrong since you first launched?
2. What is the best way to tell a fellow astronaut that their breath stinks? Can you ask him to wear his mask the whole time?
3. In space, if you smelled it, did you dealt it?
4. Is it still okay to refer to black holes as "black"?
5. When getting back into the space ship after walking on the moon, do standard "shotgun" rules apply?
6. Is it okay to yell "fire!" in space? Because seriously, there can't be fire in space.
7. If it's okay to cheat on your girlfriend with another woman when you are in a different zip code, is it okay to cheat on your girlfriend with a dude when you are in a different orbit?
8. We can't torture people here on earth, but if we find aliens...c'mon, can we torture them a little?
9. Due to NASA's rigorous health standards for all its astronauts, including women, is it safe to say that NASA has a "No fat chicks!" policy?
10. If they watch "Apollo 13" during their flight, can that be logged as extra training?

Blogstache Day 9

2007-05-02T20:52:00.000-07:00

My wife hates this experiment.

Blogstache Day 7

2007-04-30T13:04:00.000-07:00

New beginnings

BTE candidate

2007-04-29T14:04:00.000-07:00

So...YESSSSSSSSS!!!!!!! This is definitely a candidate for Best Thing Ever. It's called "The Avenging Unicorn," and if you go to the website that is selling it you'll see that it comes with "4 magical horns and 3 figures to impale." In the picture the impaled figure of choice is a mime.

If I had to choose between the ability to grow a nunchucks mustache and being able to summon a beautiful white unicorn to come to my aid and impale whomever I wish, I'm not sure which one I'd go with!
The only thing better than a unicorn that impales people upon my command, is a unicorn with nunchucks instead of a horn, that chucks people to death upon my command.

Blogstache Day 6

2007-04-29T13:59:00.000-07:00

I had to start over...

Blogstache Day 5

2007-04-28T11:53:00.000-07:00

I don't think I'll ever have a real mustache...

Blogstache Day 4

2007-04-27T10:18:00.000-07:00

How many new hairs sprouted up today?

The League!

2007-04-26T14:19:00.000-07:00

Video Game Baseball season has just begun, and it's getting real! My friends and I play a video game called MVP '06 NCAA Baseball. We take it pretty seriously and we've decided to document our digital season and are even keeping stats. It's going to get pretty tense. Here are two profile videos for two of the players. Enjoy.

Blogstache Day 3

2007-04-26T09:01:00.000-07:00

The saga continues...

Honesty

2007-04-25T17:48:00.000-07:00

I LOVE this picture. This is an ad that you will find at the Goodwill stores. In an age where everything gets spun by the media and perfectly sculpted models sell everything from toilet cleaners to hot pockets, it's nice to know that one company is still keepin' it real.

Blogstache Day 2

2007-04-25T09:06:00.000-07:00

It is now Day 2 of my attempt to grow a mustache. Get the latest update on my progress here.

Hat Head

2007-04-24T21:51:00.000-07:00

It must be cool to be able to wear a hat and not worry if it is going to mess up your hair. But I bet it sucks to be bald and always feel like you need to wear a hat.

Blogstache

2007-04-24T18:50:00.000-07:00

I'm always talking about how I can't grow a mustache. Well now it's time for me to put my money where my upper lip is. Today I started a .mac blog called "Blogstache." It'll be a daily update of my attempt to grow a mustache. It's going to be a sad sad story.

You'll Go Blind

2007-04-23T15:06:00.000-07:00

Great! Throughout my childhood I was told that if you stare at the sun you will go blind. And now, not only does NASA want me to stare at the sun, they want me to do it in 3D!!! According to CNN.com, NASA has released a series of three-dimensional images of the sun that were taken by twin spacecraft.

But that's not all. NASA is also encouraging their astronauts to run on the moon while holding scissors, and to cross through an asteroid belt without looking both ways. Thanks NASA!

What kind of Pirates ARRR you?

2007-04-21T11:14:00.000-07:00

I just read on CNN.com that Pyratecon, a weekend long Pirate convention, is headed down to New Orleans. This is pretty awesome. I love pirates. But the article goes on to say that part of the convention will include going to schools hit by Katrina to give aid. Excuse me? Look, I'm all for helping out the victims of Katrina. But if you are going to spend a weekend trying to be as piratey as possible, spreading good will and helping out others is not the way to do it. Pirates are all about plundering and pillaging and taking whatever they can get for themselves. "Take what you can. Give nothing back!" What's next? Is there going to be a NAMBLA convention where people dress up like pedophiles and then go spend a day volunteering at a Senior Citizen home? Or maybe a Hooker convention where they go to schools and teach abstinence. All I'm saying is comic book geeks don't go to comic book conventions to get laid, and pirate geeks shouldn't go to pirate conventions to give aid.

My Dreams Come True!

2007-04-20T14:21:00.000-07:00

So I just saw this on CNN.com. In Chicago, they are planning on building a 2000 foot, 150 story, twisting skyscraper. It will be the tallest building in the US. But that's not the best part. Look at it! It's a big Unicorn horn! It's so beautiful! I am so jealous of the 1,200 residents that will get to live inside this magical creation! I can only imagine how glorious the inside of this building will be!

10 Best Things About Living in a Unicorn Horn
1. Terrorists can't destroy this building because Unicorn horns are impervious to evil.
2. None of the residents will ever have a need for viagra.
3. You never have to tell people your address. You can just say, I live at the Unicorn horn and they know exactly what you mean.
4. You can finally put up all those paintings of unicorns without it seeming gay.
5. Free pot of gold at the end of every hallway.
6. When you go into the basement, you are in the Unicorn's brain!
7. You don't have to worry about water building up on the roof of the building.
8. Every time a doorbell rings, a Unicorn gets its horn.
9. Every wish you make comes true.
10. You're in a friggin' Unicorn horn! What more do you need!?

Colored Couch

2007-04-19T23:24:00.000-07:00

CNN.com reported this headline today: Chinese Translation Error Blamed For Slur on Sofa Label. A couch that was being delivered to a black family raised quite a stir when the 7-year-old daughter saw that it was labeled "Nigger Brown." The mother complained to the furniture store who blamed the supplier. The supplier pointed out that the mistake was a result of an old Chinese translation software that translates the Chinese symbols for "dark brown" into this more offensive English translation. The supplier explained, "We're not racist. We just have a chink in our system. I'm sorry, I mean kink in our system."

Don't let me die!

2007-04-19T19:34:00.000-07:00

So I just found an awesome website called funnyordie.com. It's produced by Will Ferrell and his peeps and basically it is a host site for funny videos. At the end of each video you can vote either "funny" or "die." If you do really well then Will Ferrell comes to your house and kisses you on the lips (that's an assumption, but I think it's a safe one to make.) If enough people vote for your video to die, it goes to the crypt. I've posted some videos up on the site. Some you have seen here. Please click on the links below and if you think they are funny vote for them by clicking on "funny" in the video player. If you don't think they are funny...simply walk away. Thanks! And make sure you go to the site!

Splash Mountain

Autotape

Get Rhythm

Figures of Action

If I had Nunchucks

Telling Jokes

Reese's Quail Cups

Battle!

2007-04-19T15:57:00.000-07:00

In the blog forums at bloggeries.com I posted a challenge to other would be funny bloggers to see if they thought their blog was funnier than mine. For several days everyone cowered behind their keyboards, but finally one brave soul has stepped forward to put me in my place. He goes by BP Perry and his blog is http://ittodbtbia.wordpress.com. Now, if you are reading my blog, chances are you are biased. But go check his blog out. Read a lot of his entries. And then let us know what you think. You can email me at nateisablog@gmail.com to tell me who's blog is funnier. I won't be hurt if you say he is funnier, I'll just be inspired to work harder (but don't just say that so that I work harder).

"Please, Play Hard To Get"

2007-04-19T12:30:00.000-07:00

I caught this headline on CNN.com today: Antwerp Zoo asks visitors not to stare at the chimps

One chimp in particular, named Cheetah, was raised by humans but is now integrating into the ape society and the zoo officials fear too much human bonding will delay the chimp's progress.

I've always had a problem with zoos because they are not interactive enough. Why the hell can't I jump in the lion's den and reenact my favorite story from the Bible? Why isn't there a set of vines over the alligator pit so that I can swing across like Tarzan? And if I provide my own mice, why can't I feed the boa constrictor? What good is it to have all these animals trapped in cages if we can't play with them? All we can do is look! But now we can't even do that.

The Antwerp Zoo, in Belgium, has placed a sign outside the chimp exhibit that asks visitors not to stare at the chimps. Their new motto should be, "Nature, Get a Glimpse!" What the sign actually says is, "Look away when the animal seeks to make contact with you." Does that sound familiar to anyone else? Reminds me of third grade. Little Sally Hunter would never look at me. When I wasn't facing her, I could tell she was watching me. But every time I turned around, she looked away! All I wanted was to make eye contact! But she wouldn't. So I pulled her ponytail. Of course, a chimp can't pull our ponytails. So instead, he throws poop at the glass. Pretty much the same thing.

But what if this doesn't work? What if we simply refusing to stare at the chimp doesn't deter it from bonding with humans? What's next? Maybe they'll post a sign that says, "Please piss off the chimp."

BTE!

2007-04-18T09:36:00.000-07:00

I feel like such a fool for not thinking of this earlier, but this is quite possibly the Best Thing Ever! Mustchucks! How powerful would I be if I could grow nunchucks right on my face! Watch out evil-doers! Puberty has hit, and it hits hard!

Global Warming: Another Perspective

2007-04-17T23:08:00.000-07:00

While scientists continue to pour on irrefutable evidence that Global Warming is indeed a reality and something that we as a society need to fix, Politicians and Religious leaders just don't want to give in. For every logical and rational argument that science puts out there, politics lashes back with a crazy and unfounded counter-point. But the facts are adding up and the politicians are running out of crappy excuses for the sudden rise in temperature. So I came up with a new one, that just might work.

Consider this: Perhaps Mother Earth is simply having hot flashes. Put into the perspective of the timeline of the entire Universe, Mother Earth is at about that age where she should be experiencing Menopause. Her bodies of water are going through some changes, but this is totally normal. Lots of women go through this natural change everyday. And Nature is prepared for this shift. In fact, this isn't the first time Mother Earth has experienced this sort of thing. Think back to when the ice ages ended and the polar caps all melted and flooded the Earth. That was Mother Earth getting her first period.

This excuse will work like a charm. Anytime a guy hears that a girl is going through her "lady times," he shuts up right away. No questions asked. In fact, most guys have no idea what "lady times" really entail, and are willing to assume anything that happens during those times is perfectly normal.

The problem with the politicians' current tactic is that they are using arguments that the scientists are comfortable talking about. But nothing makes a nerd more uncomfortable than a hot girl. And that's exactly what Mother Earth is right now.

White Men Can Edit

2007-04-17T22:52:00.000-07:00

These are my buds, Joe and Oyl. They can ball. And even more so they can edit. Check out their video HERE.

Celebrity Name Game

2007-04-15T23:22:00.001-07:00

I came up with a new game that I will simply call the Celebrity Name Game. The rules of the game are simple. I come up with funny combination of a word or phrase, and a celebrity name. They are fun to say out loud, although sometimes they are a bit difficult to pronounce correctly. An example is Egregious Philbin. If he hosted a game show it'd be called "Who Wants To Be A FUCKING Millionaire!"

Here are a bunch of Celebrity Name/Word combinations I came up with while sitting in church. Feel free to leave a comment with your own entries.

Fauxprah - She tells you there's a key to a brand new car under your seat, but there's no key there.
Inflammatori Amos - Trying to relaunch her career, Tori Amos takes on the hip hop scene.
Stay-Puff Daddy - "Don't touch my fuckin' belly."
Paula Abdula-Oblongata - If you don't get this one, watch Adam Sandler's Waterboy.
Condo-Leeza Rice - Tall and elegant, but you don't want to know what goes on in the boiler room.
Madonnatello - A Ninja Turtle that wears a purple cone bra.
Dr. Philabuster - This is actually an accurate representation of Dr. Phil.
Shish-Kabob Hope - This is what happened the last time he was roasted at the Friar's Club.
Tony Infludanza - This is what everybody caught when "Who's the Boss" was on, and what everyone was immune to when Tony Danza got his own talk show.
LeBrawny James - The quicker National Championship picker upper.
Quentin Tarantina Turner - He keeps hitting himself and then going back for more. And of course a ton of blood spurts out.
Fallic Baldwin - Alec is the tip, and Stephen and William are the balls.
Stephen Speilburglar - After not getting the Oscar this year, he turned to a life of crime.
Maitre' Dionne Warrick - She'll take your reservation and sing you a song while you wait.
Astrologena Davis - She used to be a star, now she just studies them.
Danish Cook - This pastry is hilarious!
LL Cool Whip - Grab a ho and apply generously.
Rubix Cuba Gooding Jr. - As soon as you solve it, you'll want to give a tear-filled acceptance speech.
Anthony Michael Halter Top - Totally fashionable in the 80's. Not so much now.
Chocolate Eclaire Danes - mmmmmmm......
Jeep Cherokeifer Sutherland - The deadliest vehicle on the road.

Lesser of Two Evils #2

2007-04-11T12:47:00.000-07:00

Hey, remember "Lesser of Two Evils #1"? Remember how I called it a series, implying that there'd me more? Well here it is! This second edition of "Lesser of Two Evils" is written in the form of a conversation. It's actually going to be part of a 2 man comedy show I am producing called Nate and Nathan. The other guy in the show is named Nathan. Get it? Enjoy!

Nathan
Okay, Nate. I've got a Lesser of 2 Evils challenge for you.

Nate
Okay, I'm game. Bring it.

Nathan
Would you rather sharpen your penis with a pencil sharpener, or drop an atomic bomb on the Special Olympics?

Nate
Well, first of all, is it an electric pencil sharpener?

Nathan
No, it's an old school style sharpener, and you have to crank it yourself.

Nate
Well the worst part about that is when I have to adjust the size down. And the other option is dropping an atomic bomb on the Special Olympics?

Nathan
Yep.

Nate
What do you have against the Special Olympics?

Nathan
Nothing. I'm not going to drop the bomb. You are.

Nate
No I'm not.

Nathan
So you'd rather have your #2 pencil sharpened to a nub?

Nate
I'd have to sharpen it all the way down to a nub?

Nathan
Yeah, like when you were in school and you would sharpen your pencil so much that you could barely hold it.

Nate
That might not take too long. But still, that'd be pretty painful.

Nathan
And the process would probably be irreversible. I don't think they can sew dick shavings back on.

Nate
Yeah...so these Special Olympics, are they the summer or winter Special Olympics?

Nathan
I think there's just the one. But I can't believe you would bomb a bunch of running retards.

Nate
Well Ashley and I want to have kids some day! And you really shouldn't use that word. It's offensive.

Nathan
Hey, you're the one that is bombing them.

Nate
But you made me do it!

Nathan
I didn't make you do anything. I gave you two choices. And apparently you can't help but think with your penis.

Nate
Ashley wants to have a baby!

Nathan
Well, I hope your baby ends up being...special.

Nate
That is not nice.

Nathan
Man, you really hate retards.

Nate
Stop calling them that!

Nathan
Oh, and think about this. When you do bomb the Special Olympics, not only will you be killing thousands of innocent mentally challenged children, you'll be killing the most capable ones this planet has to offer.

Nate
Then who would serve us our McDonald's breakfast? I can't live without my Egg McMuffin. I choose the penis sharpener.

Blog Directory

WWJC?

2007-04-08T20:48:00.000-07:00

Okay, I have to admit, I'm a little bit hung up on nunchucks right now. I think the best thing to do is to just get them out of my system. But you have to ask yourself, "What Would Jesus Chuck?"
Best Items to Turn into Nunchucks
1. Gunchucks: Good for close range and long range attacks.
2. Nun-Chucks: Actual nuns. To be used by Giants.
3. Stunchucks: Two tazers flying around can be pretty lethal. Just don't catch the wrong end.
4. Raptorchucks: Another weapon that only giants would be able to use, but man, they would be a clever girl.
5. Dungchucks: The only thing worse than getting hit by a nunchuck, is getting hit by a poopy nunchuck. "Ow that hurt! And I have poop on me!"
6. Chuck Norris' Legs-chucks: Chuck Norris' legs each have their own license to kill. If/when he dies, I hope he'll donate his body to crime fighting.
7. Handcuffchucks: If you are really strong, you can use these to grab one opponent, and then swing him around as your weapon.
8. Puppychucks: "Hey, look how cute those little puppies are-OH MY GOD THEY'RE FLYING RIGHT AT ME!"
9. Banana Cream Piechucks: The weapon of clowns.
10. Lightning Boltchucks: The weapon of gods.

Worst Items to Turn into Nunchucks
1. Hot Dog Bunchucks: These probably wouldn't last more than one hit and unfortunately they come 12 to a package while bad guys only come 8 to a package.
2. Starchucks: Two Frappuccinos chained to each other. You'll probably just end up scalding yourself.
3. Upchucks: I have a pretty weak stomach. If my nunchucks were covered in throw up, I'd be hurling all over the place. Actually, that might be pretty effective.
4. Vibratorchucks: It's not good when your weapon does more pleasure than pain. (These are also sometimes referred to as nunfucks.)
5. Pillowchucks: Only useful if you are at a cheerleader slumber party.

Blog Directory

Disney: The Gayest Place on Earth

2007-04-06T16:01:00.000-07:00

That's what it means, right? Gay means happy. Look it up. And now if you're gay and want to have the happiest wedding on Earth, Mickey Mouse says, "Oh boy!" Disney has officially announced that wedding ceremonies in front of Cinderella's Castle are now open to same-sex couples, granted they have a valid marriage license. Disney has finally put the fairy back in fairy tale.

And I say good for them! Finally all the closeted gay Disney characters can come out. For example: The Seven Dwarves. Only one of them wasn't gay and that was Grumpy, which explains why he was always so grumpy. He was the only one not getting any action. How about that Candlestick from Beauty and the Beast? He is literally flaming, and you know he fantasizes about having Jack be nimble but maybe not so quick. And of course there is Baloo, a large male "bear" who is constantly hanging out with a boy in his underwear.

And now these characters can finally embrace their true colors...which is a rainbow.

Yo Yo Yo

2007-04-06T09:09:00.000-07:00

Dear Rappers,
I am writing to you because I need some help in trend setting and you guys are clearly at the top of the trend setting game. Okay, here's what I want. I want you to start using nunchucks in your rap videos instead of guns. Nunchucks are so much cooler than guns, and the world needs to see that. You guys are the best way to bring nunchucks to the pop-culture forefront. Rappers are always making stupid things seem cool. Like Nelly wearing a band-aid for no reason. Or Snoop Dog saying phrases like "What's crack-a-lackin'?" Or pot.

But nunchucks aren't stupid! They're already really cool. So it would be even easier to convince other people that they should be carrying nunchucks around all the time. All you have to do is get some black people to start doing it, and then all the white people will copy it.

Just imagine Chingy slingin' rhymes while at the same time slingin' the 'chucks. That would make an amazing rap video. And every rapper could have his own nunchuck style. For instance, Busta would be 'chuckin' fast and furious. At the same time, Snoop Dog would barely be swinging his and would occasionally slap it against the chin of a bitch and/or ho.

And rapping about nunchucks would make for some great rhymes. Fill in this blank: "I be 'chuckin' while I be _____." I think you know what goes in that blank. The 'chucks could also create a whole slew of cool new slang terms. For instance, WTC? (What the Chuck?)

And, nunchucks are totally customizable! You can put all sorts of bling on your 'chucks. They could be covered in diamonds (I think you call that "ice"), or silver, or pure gold. You could also connect two microphones. The Three 6 Mafia could turn their Oscars in Oscarchucks! Or, if you really can't give up the idea of being "strapped" or carrying "heat," you could use a chain to connect two guns and create Gunchucks!

Look guys, it would be totally easy to get this trend started. Another great way to spread the word about nunchucks is to carry some with you into a night club. Just stick them in your pants so that they are slightly visible. The camera phones will be clickin' like crazy. "Did you see that? P Diddy is a chucker!"

Now, I know that nunchucks and rap have a bit of sordid past. The last time they were uttered in the same phrase was during the 2nd Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles movie in the Vanilla Ice Ninja Rap scene. Let's not let this hold us back. It's time to move forward. It's time to get 'chuckin'. Do you feel me?

Sincerely,
White Guy

Rice is Nice

2007-04-05T22:57:00.000-07:00

Spud Oregon, a rad blogger who reviews other sites, just wrote a very nice review about me. Go check out his blog at nice4rice.com. He's a real swell guy!

2nd Fife

2007-04-04T15:31:00.000-07:00

Headline from CNN.com: Virtual Feds Visit Second Life Casinos. Apparently the creators of the online game had a major virtual reality check when they realized they might be legally responsible any illegal gambling going on in their faux world. So they actually asked the Feds to investigate the casinos, where their currency of lindens are exchanged for real world dollars, in order to determine what, if any, actions need to be taken. The legality of it all isn't that interesting to me. What is interesting is the idea of FBI agents signing on to this crazy game, creating virtual identities, and walking around the world of 2nd Life in order to investigate. So many questions arise! What will they make their characters look like? Will they give themselves the chiseled physique the Bureau demands they attain? Or will they stay true to the chubby physique the Bureau has allowed them to retain? Will they don official FBI duds? Or will they get to live out their fantasies of wearing a bad ass leather jacket and carrying a shotgun strapped to their back (while secretly wearing ladies underwear underneath)?

I, by the way, have dabbled in 2nd Life.
Here is the character I created for myself.
Check out that mustache! That's a Luigi special!

So what's next? Are the Feds going to cut down on illegal betting going on at the Mario Kart Speedways? You know Wario and Donkey Kong are totally placing bets on the side. Or maybe the UN will start looking into the interrogation techniques of Halo squadrons. And don't even get me started on Grand Theft Auto.

I for one am very excited with this new development. We can expect a myriad of new TV shows!

CSI: World of Warcraft - "Get this Orc DNA to the lab right away. It's going to take a real wizard to solve this crime."
"Well you're in luck, because I am a wizard."
Law and Order: CSVU (Cyber Sexual Victims Unit) - "According to your profile you're an 18 year old cheerleader. But we both know that's not true, is it Mr. Jenkins?"
And of course there will be ESPN: Fantasy Sports Center.

Yeehaw Allah

2007-04-03T18:16:00.000-07:00

Have you ever noticed that Rednecks and Iraqis, two groups that are complete opposites of each other, celebrate in the exact same way?

Punk'd 2.0

2007-04-03T08:30:00.000-07:00

Rumor has it that Ashton Kutcher, creator of the show Punk'd, is going to start a new show that is similar to Punk'd, but all of the pranks will involve him making the celebrities touch his balls. The show will be called Junk'd.

Nature is a Log

2007-03-29T23:13:00.000-07:00

Alright, listen up Nature. You have got to get your act together. I understand you would like to survive. That makes sense. I get it. But look, I just spent several hours in you and I have to say...BORRRRINNNGGGG!!!!! I mean, sure, you are beautiful. Gorgeous even. But c'mon! How about a little showmanship? I spent a whole day in the so-called great outdoors (or as I like to call it, the great outbores!) and NOTHING happened. It was like those frustrating scenes from Jurassic Park where the dinosaurs didn't show up, except it didn't have the thrilling conclusion where the dinosaurs finally did show up and mauled everything to death. And the only reason Jurassic Park was a big hit was because of that second part with the mauling. So, Nature, unless you bring a little mauling action to the people, we're gonna pave right over you and erect a new mall. And can you blame us? I mean, think about it. No one goes to a play just to look at the stage. "My, look at the set. Isn't it beautiful? I hope we get to see some actors. SHHH!"

All I'm saying is, you need to be a little more entertaining. After a couple hours hanging out with you, I saw like two salamanders. And it's possible it was just the same salamander twice. And all it did was kind of float around for a little while. It was practically dead, and to be quite honest that would have been a lot more interesting.

So here's a few pointers on how you can make yourself a little more exciting and in turn convince us humans not to clear cut all your trees and cement all your prairies.

Here's a beautiful picture of some wetlands.

Now here's a much more exciting version of the same picture.

Next, here's a lovely picture of a stream.

Now look at how much more intense the stream is when a little action is added to it!

Finally, check out this beautiful tree stump.

Now check it out after it's been Nate-urized!
No one cares about saving the spotted owl anymore. But I know a lot of guys who would go out of there way to save the bikinied babe.

So if you want us humans to give a crap about you, Nature, you're going to have to zazz it up a bit! Let's see a little hustle out there. Okay? Good talk.

High Five, Me!

2007-03-26T23:13:00.000-07:00

I have a new favorite thing! I have long been a big fan of high fives. They're the perfect way to express a sense of happiness/satisfaction/team togetherness/accomplishment or for two one-armed dudes to clap as a team. And high fives are way better than low fives (this is because I was always too slow). Also, high fives are much more inclusive than high threes. Those can get awkward, and if done incorrectly they are painful.

I look for opportunities to give and get high fives whenever possible. Hey! Our team won the Superbowl! High Five!.....Nice cat. High Five!......I finally grew a mustache! High Five! (I can dream)....I finished another blog entry....HIGH FIVE! Needless to say, I'm a big fan of The Todd on Scrubs.

But recently it's been a lot harder to get people to join me in a good high five. A lot of people are really cynical these days and don't like expressing their enthusiasm in a physical manner, let alone one that involves making contact with another human. And the people who do enjoy expressing joy in that way, have developed this new brand of joint human physical contact enthusiasm called the pound. This involves punching each other's fists. Unlike a high five, the goal is not to do it as hard as you can in order to make a loud enthusiastic sound. I wish someone had told me this before I tried it.

Also, people who are willing to dish out a good old fashioned high five are usually really out of practice. For instance, my Wife. Sorry honey, but you suck at high fives. If you ever gave me a good high five, we'd have to high five again in order to celebrate it, and you'd probably ruin the second one, and then that would negate the whole thing.

Nevertheless, I have found the answer to all my high fiving woes. I found it at a site called Glumbert.com which has a funny video explaining the differences of how men and women take showers. At one point in the video, the man gives himself a high five in the mirror! Brilliant! What better way to get your daily affirmation off to the right start than with a high five to yourself!? And you can be sure that you'll get good square high five. In fact, if you miss the high five, you might want to get a new mirror. Also, make sure you don't do it too hard. Otherwise, you will HAVE to get a new mirror.

The Doctor has seen you now

2007-03-26T14:52:00.000-07:00

You might remember an entry I wrote for smartremarx.com called Just What the Dr. Ordered. In case you don't, go read it first, then come back and read this.

Welcome back. How'd you like it? Good. Yeah, I thought it was pretty funny when I was writing it. Well, guess what. Dr. Perper finally came out with his autopsy! And if you thought I was a little off base with what I said about him in that last article, check out some of these quotes.

"The chest is symmetrical and shows no evidence of injury. There were bilateral breasts with asymmetry of the left breast due to scarring."

"The flat abdomen has no injuries."

"The buttocks have inconspicuous small scars, bilaterally. There is a flat, round scar on the lower aspect of the left buttock approximately ½ inch in diameter."

"The genitalia are those of a normally developed adult woman."

"The anus is unremarkable."

I think that last one was sort of a cheap shot. Thank you Doctor, but I think the deceased might want a second opinion.

Will they Ever Catch the Predator?

2007-03-22T20:06:00.001-07:00

I've been watching this show "To Catch a Predator" with Chris Hansen. They say it's a big success because they've caught so many sex offenders and put them behind bars. This is great and all, but when I first heard of this show, I was excited because I thought they were going to be catching THE Predator. I was expecting to see a show down between Danny Glover and a huge alien beast! But every time, it's the same thing. Some fat schlub who tricked some young girl into meeting him for sex, and then the young girl is actually Chris Hansen (not that much of a stretch) without any weapons of any kind, and the guy just gives up. The real Predator wouldn't just give up without a fight. He'd knock Chris Hansen out with one flip of his dreadlocks. Now that'd be a good show!

What's this?

My Autotape gets around

2007-03-21T11:53:00.000-07:00

I posted my autotape vid onto a new youtube competitor site called Grouper.com. They very generously put me up on their front page. The site functions very well and is very easy to use, while at the same time looking very sharp. Check it out.

Game Name

2007-03-21T07:55:00.000-07:00

Apparently Roller Derby is taking the nation by storm. Here in Portland we have our own league called the Rose City Rollers. The league is full of wiry women and burly broads (is it socially acceptable to call a girl burly?) who skate around a rink in crazy outfits and bash the mammaries out of each other. Each team member has an awesome nickname to accentuate their pseudo psychotic tendencies. A couple good examples are "Axl Blows," "Slaymate," and "November Pain." While these nicknames are good, I think they could come up with some even better names. Here are 10 suggestions:

1. The Menstrual Marauder
2. Lady Laceration
3. Body Bag Becky
4. The Mammary Masher
5. The Ovarian Ogre
6. Sally Struthers (that's scary enough on its own)
7. The Hot Flash
8. Vaginal Creamer
9. Lucille Brawl
10. WMD (Woman of Mass Destruction)

Superpower

2007-03-20T08:10:00.000-07:00

People are often asked "what superpower would you have?" Usually the recipient of this question thinks for a quite a while and then says something lame like "I'd have the ability to fly!" Flying is cool, but if you could have ANY superpower you want, that's the one you would choose? Come on! I heard a friend of mine answer this question one time and he said that if he could have any superpower he would choose to be "bulletproof." BULLETPROOF!?!?!? Um, are you also Arrowproof? What about lasers and fire? I think you want to be a little wiser with your words when choosing your superpower. I no longer respect that guy. Needless to say we are not friends anymore.

When people ask me this question, like during job interviews or blind dates, I don't hesitate for a second. I know my answer. If I could have any superpower I wanted, I would have the ability to grow a mustache! But not only could I grow the mustache, I would have full control of it and could grow it as fast as I wanted. This means, that along with creating great disguises for sneaking past evil henchman (or Jessica Biel's security guards), I can also use my mustache the way Spiderman uses his webs. I can pick people up with it, catch falling airplanes in a huge mustache tarp, or use it as a big propeller so I can fly! I have this image of a huge mustache fist coming from my upper lip to punch a bad guy. It is glorious! I would be called The Mustachioed Marauder!

Job Interviews

2007-02-16T15:58:00.000-08:00

Job Interviews

Add to My Profile | More Videos

Vulgar Vodka

2007-02-13T16:30:00.000-08:00

Another story written for Willamette Week. This one is about a Vodka company's website being censored. Check it out.

Vulcan Butt Pinch

2007-02-13T16:26:00.000-08:00

Check out my latest blog post at Willamette Week. It's about a Gay Klingon.

That being said...

2007-02-06T16:51:00.000-08:00

Even though I don't have time to work on this blog, I can still post links to the writing I am doing else where. So here is a post I wrote for Willamette Week's Wwire blog. Billionaire Brawl.

Hiatus

2007-02-06T12:44:00.000-08:00

As you may have noticed, I have been a huge slacker lately and have not posted much recently. I'm such a cliche. I've been really busy with an internship for a newspaper, as well as several comedy projects, which have all been soaking up my writing time and skills. So I thought I should officially let you know that I am taking a hiatus from Nate is a Blog. I'm not completely shutting down, and I might do something here or there, but for the most part, I won't be back for a while. My suggestion is that you sign up for my subscription service (on the left, scroll down a bit) so that you don't have to keep checking the site all the time and being disappointed. Rather, every now and then you will get a nice surprise in your email from me. This is also a good idea because if you like my writing and comedic style, then you'll want to know what I'm doing next. I have one project in particular that I am very excited about and I might be blogging at a different address for that. When that becomes official, I will post something here.

Thank you for all your kind (and even the unkind) comments you have left for me since you started. I've enjoyed writing for you.

Color Me Radd

2007-01-31T09:39:00.000-08:00

Here is a post I wrote for the Willamette Week's WWire. It's all about activist coloring books. Check it out.

10 Reasons I've Been Too Busy to Blog

2007-01-28T14:20:00.000-08:00

Lately you may have noticed that I have not been keeping up with my blogging as regularly as I used to. I know what you're thinking, "Man what an A-hole!" But I promise you that I have good excuses for my recent dearth. Here are 10 reasons I've been too busy to blog...

1. Role Playing: I finally decided to check out this Second Life game that everyone has been talking about so much. I'm not really into role playing and stuff of that nature, but in this game I get to create a digital version of myself, and I get to have a mustache! If you'd like to find me in Second Life, my name is Smitty Box.

2. Willamette Week: I recently started an internship at Willamette Week, a weekly newspaper in Portland, Oregon. They are a nationally recognized paper and the 2nd biggest paper in Portland. I'm writing for them, and much like my blog, I don't get paid, but at least I don't get to choose what I write about and some guy barks commands at me all day.

3. Light Bulbs: You know that old joke, "How many BLANKS does it take to screw in a light bulb?" Well we've needed to replace some light bulbs around here, and apparently it takes more than one of me.

4. Registering: Remember that post where I showed you that picture of me and my cousin "going down" Splash Mountain? Well, apparently the authorities got a hold of that and now I have to go door to door in my neighborhood introducing myself to all of my neighbors as a sex offender.

5. Wishing: My biological clock is ticking and it is dawning on me that I may never have...a mustache. Lately I've been spending hours staring in the mirror at my upper lip, just day dreaming.

6. Hiding: Nate the Ninja is out there. I really don't have time to blog when I'm trying to find the best possible hiding place.

7. Basketball: I joined a city rec league basketball team with my buddies so I can re-live my glory years of high school. I don't remember getting whooped by guys who were 35 years older than me.

8. Expecting: My wife and I are trying to have a baby, and by that I mean we are walking around the mall looking for cute babies to steal.

9. Autotape: Remember that video of me playing with the black & decker Autotape? Well, that little guy sits right next to my computer and I have sat down to write many a blog and been completely distracted by the wonders that the Autotape beholds. In fact...

10.

Nate is a Reviewer

2007-01-26T11:51:00.000-08:00

My editor sent me out to see another bad movie. I'm not really a fan of horror movies, so I wasn't thrilled when I was asked to review The Hitcher. But it was actually better than I expected. Check out the rest of the paper at wweek.com.

The Hitcher

The Hitcher can't be a horror film, because I don't like horror films. But it has all the trappings of a scary movie. Kids going on spring break. Stuff jumping out at the screen. Shower scene. Bad acting. Oh, wait—it doesn't have bad acting. But it has horrible writing. Actually, it doesn't. What? What's going on here? What kind of movie is this? John Ryder (Sean Bean) is like the Jack Bauer of bad guys. By the end I was rooting for him and excited to see how he would off his next victim. But not because I didn't like the heroes Jim (Zachary Knighton) and Grace (Sophia Bush). They aren't your typical idiotic victims. Not once did the crowd yell, "Why the hell did you go in there?" As a guy who thinks horror films are stupid, I found myself enjoying this one. I give The Hitcher one hitchhiking thumb up. R. NATE SMITH.

I Heart Technology

2007-01-18T21:06:00.000-08:00

I was surfin' around the net looking for cool gizmos to imagine I can afford. I came across lifesize.com and their video conferencing equipment. Basically, it's video conferencing with a huge wide screen TV and mondo speakers. Awesome. Here's 10 ways I would misuse this technology.

1. Video Poker: Can't get a decent game together because all your friends have children to tend to? No worries!

2. Video Poke Her : Having trouble keeping the spark alive in your long distance relationship? No worries!

3. Tailored Suits from Home: Tired of having to leave your house in order to get sized up for a wedding tuxedo? Now you can do it from home. Warning, the camera adds 5 pounds.

4. Make Me Proud Bobby!: Are you a hard working dad who just can't make it out to your kid's little league games? Have Mom set up a screen next to her in the bleachers and show your son you almost care.

5. Congress: It's only a matter of time before all the seats in Congress are filled with these.

6. The Whole Truth, in High Def: Do you like testifying against the Mafia but hate being shot at?

7. The Whole Girl, in High Def: Do you like going to strip clubs but hate being "shot" at?

8. Stinky Friend: Now I can finally hang out with my friend with the B.O. problem.

9. Snow Day!: Enjoy the great outdoors from greater indoors.

10. Self Esteem Mirror: Girls can set it up where their mirror goes, and hire a much better looking girl to be on the other end. Then they will mimic their every move when they are in front of the mirror so that they can feel good about themselves.

I may already be dead

2007-01-18T10:41:00.000-08:00

It's quite possible that as I write these words I am on my way out of this mortal existence. Why? Because Ninja Nate Smith emailed me today!!! My wife said she heard something in the house last night while we were sleeping, but I didn't believe her. I checked my body and as far as I can see there are no puncture wounds. But maybe NNS poisoned me, or touched some pressure point that only Ninjas know about and in 32 hours I'll be dead. Anyway, here is what he said.

"Nate Smith,

This is ninja Nate Smith, and I must inform you that revealing my secret identity to the world is one of the seven deadly sins of the ninja world, so I suggest you learn to sleep with one eye open. I may, however, grant you a reprieve since I did rank higher than you. I will have to kill number one and number two, however, ninjas come third to no one. As for my name, I was put into the ninja protection program as an infant and brought to this country to live with an unsuspecting American family, last name Smith, where I continued to develop my ninja skills in secret. I am currently raising a ninja son, so even your future children won’t be safe from my wrath. As for real estate, the market has just started to pick up again and now is an excellent time to buy or sell, I’d love to send you some information on houses in your area."

Nate Smith

Century 21 Jeffries Lydon

(530)899-5912 direct

(530)321-1558 cell

www.natesellschico.com

(ninja simulation)

You may now poop your pants. Okay, now go change. I'll wait....

Welcome back. Nice pants.

So this has become quite the eventful day. First of all everyone on the Best Nate Smith Ever! World Rankings moves up two notches. And unfortunately, Fire Pirate Nate Smith, and Crooked Hat Nate Smith are dead. I don't have confirmation of this, but a ninja just sent me an email saying he was going to kill them, so it's as good as done.

A few things NNS said confused me. For instance, he suggested that I sleep with one eye open. Why? So that can be the eye that he runs his katana through? I don't think so! How about instead of sleeping with one eye open, I sleep encased in a granite tomb. It'll be much harder for him to get in, and if he does, well, at least I'm already in a tomb.

The other thing I discovered as I read the email over and over looking for secret messages about how the Ninja will dole out my demise, is that the government has a Ninja Protection Program. Now this just ticks me off. This is just another example of the government wasting the tax payer's money. Protecting a ninja is like praying for the Pope. It's completely unnecessary. While we're at it why don't we ask Santa what he wants for Christmas, and then teach a sex education class to Pamela Anderson. The NPP is a sham!

Regardless of my political beliefs on the topic of Ninja protection, I have revised the Best Nate Smith Ever! World Rankings.

The Best Nate Smith Ever! World Rankings

1. Supreme Ruler of all Nate Smiths

2. Distant second

3.

4.

X. Murdered by Ninja

X. Murdered by Ninja (most likely stabbed in his extremely large neck.)

Phoned in Blog

2007-01-16T10:06:00.000-08:00

Today's entry can be found at SmartReMarx.com. I posted it there, because they'll pay me $10 for it, which is a lot more than I pay myself. If you haven't checked this site out, you should. It's full of news stories, editorials, and humor pieces from people like me! Check it out!

SmartRemarx.com

Financial Fodder

2007-01-12T08:45:00.000-08:00

Christmas is over and all the post holiday sales are long gone. It's the new year and you have resolved to start saving your money. But how? Your first idea was to go out and buy some financial organizational software like Quicken. Then you found out that costs almost 200 bucks. That's kind of the opposite of what you are trying to do. Here are some great ways to save your money this year.

credit cards : The key here is "this" year. Use as many credit cards as you can. Then use other credit cards to pay off your original credit cards. Eventually this is going to be a huge financial mess for you, that could get you in some serious trouble. But if you play your cards right (you bet your ass that pun was intended) then you can hold off that financial fiasco until next year, and you will have achieved your goal of saving money "this" year.

secured loans : Take out a loan from the bank, or maybe the local convenience store, or even your mom's purse. The best way to make sure your loan is "secured" is to take out the loan without them knowing. This way you can be secure in the fact that you won't have to pay them back. To really make sure the loan is secured, shoot all witnesses.

mortgages : Remember Monopoly? Remember when your really annoying friend did that super confusing thing involving mortgages, while you were still just trying to get a hotel on your Baltic Ave, and then he won? Well whatever it was that he was doing, do that.

current accounts : To save money now, avoid using your current accounts. Go to the bank and ask your bank officer if you can open up a future account. Then tell them you'd like to deposit a lot of future money, because you know you are going to be the next American Idol and land a huge recording deal and make millions of dollars. Your potential is as good as gold. So start spending the future now.

home insurance : This one is going to sound counter-intuitive and illegal. But just go with me on this. First buy a lot of home insurance. I know, it's pricey, but remember to use one of your future accounts. Then, burn down your house. Again, I know that sounds like you are wasting a lot of money because you just bought all that wonderful new furniture from Ikea. But remember, you paid for it with your credit cards, so you aren't losing that money this year (next year is a different story). Also, insurance fraud is extremely illegal. So you are going to need to make it look like an accident, and one that wasn't your fault. Your best bet is to pay a mute homeless guy to run through your house while on fire. That way if he survives, he can't tell anybody, and you know he'll totally do it because man, it's cold outside.

Well there you go. There's my advice on how you can save money. And it was free! See, you're saving money already!

Autotape

2007-01-11T20:47:00.000-08:00

Autotape

Add to My Profile | More Videos

It's not what it looks like...

2007-01-09T19:13:00.000-08:00

Okay, let me explain. Every year my Grandfather treats my family to a trip to Disney World (Have I written that thank you note yet?). One of our favorite rides is Splash Mountain. For those of you who don't know, it is a ride that ends with a huge plummet into a pool of water. On the way down a camera catches unsuspecting riders' reactions to the freaky fall. But the Smith family is anything but unsuspecting. We are in fact extremely suspecting. Each year we decide on a different pose and strike it at the appropriate moment. This year we went with "The Family Road Trip" and recreated a scene from our drive down to Florida all the way from Missouri. The participants were my parents, my wife and I, my sister and her husband, and Karter, my 10 year old cousin. In the front row my father was driving and my mom was pointing. In the second row my wife was holding the map. In the third row my cousin and I were supposed to be sleeping, and in the last row my sister and her husband were making out. Here's the thing...my cousin gets a little scared on these rides and instead of striking his pose, he um...well...he ducked. And it looks...well, here take a look.

I'm going to jail...

(click on picture for a close up)

Nate the Reviewer

2007-01-07T21:13:00.000-08:00

So I just recently earned a position writing for Portland, Oregon's 2nd biggest newspaper, the Willamette Week. I am working in their Arts & Culture section writing comedy listings and movie reviews. The first review I was sent out to do was for "Code Name: The Cleaner." I think was my editor's way of hazing me. So go here for my review, WWire.

Where Panda Bears can ride Unicorns...

2007-01-07T21:01:00.000-08:00

Hussein In the Membrane

2007-01-02T07:41:00.000-08:00

After decades of one of the most epic cat & mouse games in history, America finally caught Saddam Hussein. After batting this sinister mouse around in an international court case, the big cat decided it was tired of playing games and sent Saddam to the noose. After all this time and energy has been spent to bring this man to justice, my question is: A hanging? Really? Kind of anti-climatic, don’t you think? In this day and age, it is not very often that the whole world (mostly) will rally around the use of the death penalty. But Saddam was just the guy to bring us all together. So now we have the chance to participate in a good old-fashioned public killing, and all we can come up with is a hanging? Is that all we got? We live in the age of ridiculous inventions like Gogurt, battery powered tape measures, and toaster ovens made specifically for hotdogs. If we can put our brainpower to use to create these amazing unnecessities (I just coined that term) then I think we can find a more entertaining way to off one of the world’s worst villains since Hitler. I say we’re just not trying hard enough. Here are a few ideas on how I would have killed Saddam Hussein.

If I Killed Saddam: How I Wish They Did It

1. Take him into outer space, and videotape someone shoving him out of the space ship without a space suit on. I’ve always wanted to see what it would look like if somebody imploded.
2. Two Words: Gallagher Show.
3. Hang him by bungee chord over a pool of man-eating Piranhas. If one way doesn’t work, the other will.
4. Russian Roulette…with bazookas.
5. Fox’s new Reality TV show “Who Wants to Assassinate a Dictator?”
6. Show him the true meaning of chemical warfare and send him to a “Bath & Body Works” outlet center.
7. Lock him in a room with Tom Cruise and tell Tom that Saddam uses psychiatry and painkillers.
8. Samuel L Jackson’s next movie-Saddams on a Plane. “I’m tired of these Motherf-ing Dictators, on this Motherf-ing plane!”
9. Send him hunting with Dick Cheney.
10. Put him in a room with a gun, one bullet, and a recording of Simon Cowell criticizing him playing on a loop.

I just want to express my gratitude to Saddam Hussein for all he has done in order to make it possible for me to write this sort of article without any kind of moral dilemma. It’s not often that a comedian can be so callous about this sort of thing without being considered edgy or offensive. But thanks to Saddam and all his unspeakable acts of inhumanity I could write an article about how I think a man should have been killed just days after he was put to death. Thank you Saddam.

Blog Blog

2007-01-01T16:25:00.000-08:00

Well, it is the new year. I was kind of hoping Nate would get things started off right by being more consistent with his blog entries. But no, we are 18.5 hours into the new year and he has yet to post anything. It is almost as if he is on vacation or something. It's like he is with his family participating in traditional activities. Or maybe it's like he is busy going through airport security or sitting on airplanes while traveling across the country. Either way, he is boring the heck out of me. I mean, I'm sure he hasn't given up on me. And I'm sure he cares about his readers and doesn't want them to feel like he is abandoning them. But why would he spend so much time with his family when he could be writing inane blog posts about Unicorns and Panda Bears? At the very least he could have left one of his "Away Message" blogs to let me and his readers know he was going to be out of town.

Well, here's to hoping that 2007 won't continue down this dark path of despair. And for all of you faithful readers, don't give up on Nate. He loves you very much.