Saturday, May 31, 2008
Friday, May 30, 2008
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Saturday, May 17, 2008
That's right gang! The world's greatest competition is back! No, I'm not talking about American Gladiators, but yes that is back too and it is AWESOME! I love watching semi-fit 30 somethings having knee injuries in front of a live studio audience. But the contest I'm talking about is BEST NATE SMITH EVER! Many of you are familiar with this contest, but for those of you who are not, you might want to read Parts 1 through Death, which you can find on the right side of my blog under my list of "Best Nate is a Blogs Ever!"
No, clearly he does not. He looks ridiculous. Therefore, I am going to have to rule in favor of myself today. I am the Best Nate Smith Ever!
Monday, May 12, 2008
According to this article (see here) Stephen Hawking is going on safari. He's traveling through South Africa in search of Africa's Einstein. I immediately had a flurry of ideas to write on this topic all of which seemed dead set on offending either Africans, or people in wheelchairs. So instead, here are the
Monday, May 05, 2008
Sports history was made this week at the prestigious Kentucky Derby when the runner up horse, Eight Belles, was euthanized on the track. Now a lot of people are saying this is a tragedy, but I say one horse’s big sleep is another horse’s big wake up call. Finally winning is important again. As a child I grew up with a poster on my wall that said “I play to win,” but for years now I’ve had to listen to yuppies drone on about how doing your best is all that matters. They say things like “Everyone is a winner!” and “It’s not whether you win or lose, but how you play the game.” But not the folks at the Kentucky Derby. They say, “If you’re not a winner, you’re a goner.” And I applaud that mentality. Kids need to learn that it’s a tough world out there and that doing your best doesn’t matter unless it happens to be better than everyone else’s best.
I think we should institute a “Win or Die” policy in more competitive arenas. Now I’m not proposing we kill everyone who loses, just the competitors who come in second place. This would really up the intensity of all those championship games that end up being blow outs. For example, if the Colorado Rockies knew they were going to be euthanized when they lost to the Boston Red Sox in the 2007 World Series, they would have let the Arizona Diamondbacks play them instead. Then we might have had a much more interesting World Series to watch.
And I don’t think we should single out sports with this new policy. I think we should put down the runner up in any major contest.Take the Democratic Primaries for example. Once the Democratic Nominee is elected, the runner up should be shot. Of course if Barack Obama wins, we run a strong chance of them both being shot.
What I’m trying to say is, someday I hope to have a son of my own. And I hope that, just like me, he’ll grow up with an inspirational poster on his wall. But instead of it saying, “I play to win,” it will say, “I play to not die.”
Thursday, May 01, 2008
Every now and then life hands you a moment in which the absolute perfect response is to yell "Go f@#k yourself!" But sometimes life hands you those moments while you are standing next to an impressionable child, running for public office, or devoting your life to being a monk. It is during these times that I suggest the following alternatives.
1. Go punch Yourself! Especially effective if the intended receiver is a boxer.
2. Go delete yourself! Good for online banter.
3. Go know thyself! Great for outbursts during bible study.
4. Go suck yourself! Tell that vaccuum who's boss.
5. Go explode yourself! Should be shouted from a distance.
6. Go Britney Spears yourself! Because whatever she did to herself, it’s worse than what you want them to do to themselves.
7. Go fix yourself! Either a much more productive request, or a request for them to cut off their junk.
8. Go blog yourself! That’s the hip thing these days.
9. Go puncture yourself! Good for any occasion.
10. Go tell yourself to "Go f@#k yourself!"! It doesn't keep it clean, but it messes with their head.